One Week of Attack...Done

I woke up Sunday morning, completely dreading the day. I’d been under intense spiritual attack for a full week and had no idea how to go on for another day. I don't know if you've ever experienced anything like this before or not, but I'm quite serious when I say I wasn't sure I had the strength to get out of bed...and I knew it would be hours and hours before I could get back in the bed to sleep. I pretty much lived from sleep to sleep at this point. (Although I slept about as well as I ate, so that wasn't even helpful.)

Jonathan had offered for me to come to the lake to get away, but I didn't think I had the ability to make the drive to the lake. I wasn't sure I could be with people. I was lost.

Help me. I am tired, I am weak, I am worn. Oh my precious Jesus. I fall on my face before You begging for strength. I miss my sweet Isaac and feel I can’t even bear another moment of the separation. Why doesn’t he want to call? Why doesn’t he want me? And yet over and over Your Voice whispers to trust the process of the wilderness. We are both in training for trials ahead in ministry. Oh my sweet Father.

Find me faithful. Don’t let me falter. Don’t let me give up. Keep me strong in this journey.

(Side note - "Find me faithful" was a line I would utter over and over to get myself through the day. When I thought I couldn't handle another minute of Satan's oppression, I would call out to be found faithful. It was all that mattered to me. When this was done, I wanted anyone who happened to have seen me walk the path to be able to say "she was faithful.")

When I got home from church, the pressure weighing in on me from Satan was frightening at a level I’d never experienced. So I did what I knew I shouldn’t do – and I texted Isaac. I had to ask for prayer. He did answer me right away and when I told him I was being hounded by Satan and needed prayer, he said he would pray for me.

Then I wrote in my journal, I have been a dismal failure today and the day still has many hours left. Oh Jesus. I don’t want to be disrespectful to Your perfect plan or to Your choice of me to take this journey, but I am disappointed. I know I should be grateful…unquestioning, even, perhaps. But I am angry and disappointed. How could You bring such a great blessing to me and then rip him away again?

I don’t know HOW to trust You. I don’t know HOW to do this journey.

Finally, in pure frustration, I went for a walk. It was the hottest possible day and it was right at the heat of the day but I didn’t care. I had to get out of the house and get away. I headed out for a certain walking path because that particular road seemed to bring me a level of comfort I couldn't quite explain. When I got there, an old creeper guy was driving around. He approached me and tried to get me to get in his car with him. I was far too tired to be as scared as I should have been, but I was alert enough to realize I was not in the greatest situation. Fearing I was about to become the inspiration for a Sunday afternoon Lifetime movie, I got away as quickly as possible, but I wondered…would Isaac even notice if I did get stolen?

When I got home, I could barely breathe from the oppression settling over my heart, so I called my brother-in-law. Woke him up from his nap and didn't even care. (Sorry, Jeff!) We were deep in conversation when my call waiting beeped. It was Isaac. I took the call, and we talked for a bit. It was strained, awkward, and we both sounded horrible. It broke my heart. We were better than this!

When that call ended, I wrote, I am a spoiled child who got her own way; he called me. It was so sweet to hear his voice, his gentle laughter…even the strains of pain, though I hate it that he feels pain. And yet I know my flailing grieved Your heart. I want to be sorry, but I’m not sure I feel repentant…am I just the awfulest person EVER?

Thank You for Jeff’s words today – the reminder that the right person at the wrong time is just as bad as the wrong person. Jesus, conform Isaac and me into the right people at the right time. Jesus, I fall at Your feet on behalf of my sweet Isaac. Heal him, God. Restore his precious heart and make him whole. Carry him in the moments of pain. Oh Jesus, protect him this week as he travels. Send heart warriors his way to love him and offer him restoration.