Wilderness Wednesday

Okay - I think I can talk about the desert today. (I called it "Wilderness Wednesday" because I didn't have a "D" day of the week to go with desert. Sigh.)

I've also decided to approach these posts a little differently. Hopefully this new way will make them less excruciating to write and will better allow you to see how God worked in me. The good things He did in me. Please know that this change in approach does not mean I was doing any better in real life in that time. I was still struggling to eat even the equivalent of half a meal a day. I was sleeping very little and spent most of my free time driving around town (put 1000 miles on my car one month just driving IN TOWN!), pacing my house, or pacing my exercise path. Those things didn't change. But in the pacing and driving, God spoke mightily, and these are the things I want you to see.


One night, while still under that deep spiritual attack I experienced, I chatted online with a good friend from church. She sent me the words to the John Waller song While I’m Waiting. It was a song used in the movie Fireproof.



“I’m waiting, I’m waiting on You, Lord. And I am hopeful. I’m waiting on You Lord, Though it is painful. But patiently I will wait. I will move ahead bold and confident, taking every step in obedience. While I’m waiting, I will serve You. While I’m waiting, I will worship. While I’m waiting, I will not faint. I’ll be running the race. Even while I wait. I’m waiting, I’m waiting on You, Lord. And I am peaceful. I’m waiting on You, Lord. Though it’s not easy, but faithfully I will wait. Yes, I will wait.” I begged Jesus to let that be the cry of my heart.

One thing that came to me that night which I can declare from this side of the desert to be 100% true was this thought: When this is over, I may not hear You as clearly as I do now. Like I wonder if our intimate talks are grace for this journey and will not be as deep on the other side. If that is so, then please help me to cherish this for now.

I have not lost my connection with the Lord, but those deep times of intimacy do not happen with the frequency that they did in that season. I am so thankful I had this understanding early on that my experience wasn't typical. That's why I scrambled to write down absolutely everything I heard. I wanted to store up every word to have later.

Find me faithful. Though I feel crushed, I call Your words to mind and therefore I have hope. Your Word is faithful. I choose You. I choose to believe the Word of my Jesus.

It had been several days since I'd read that verse in Lamentations about calling His Words to mind and therefore having hope, but I hadn't forgotten them. Those Scriptures were hidden in my heart and I clung to them with fervency. And again, I begged to be found faithful. It's all I wanted. And that was knew. To want to be found faithful over all other things...that was growth.