Halloween Party Mix

I can't participate in Kelly's "Show Us Your Life" room this week because it's home-office week and as you saw in Sunday's smattering...I'm under construction. But I need a break from the desert, so...let's eat!!

This is a recipe I've only made once, and you know normally I don't post recipes on a first time basis, but this one was such a hit, I wanted to post it. Plus...it's called Halloween party mix, so we're running out of time to make it! Although I gotta tell you - this would work well just about any old time of the year!

I made this for the last game night I had with my high school cronies, and they liked it. I took the rest to a Bible study and to church for our Family Night dinner....and I had requests to bring the recipe to share. It does make quite a bit, so if you've got any big fall parties coming up, this would be a great thing to make!


The Recipe

1 package (11 ounces) pretzels
1 package (10-1/2 ounces) miniature peanut butter filled crackers
1 cup dry roasted peanuts
1 cup sugar
1/2 cup butter, cubed
1/2 cup light corn syrup
2 tablespoons vanilla extract
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 package (10 ounces) M&M's
1 package (18-1/2 ounces) candy corn

In a large bowl, combine the pretzels, crackers and peanuts. In a large saucepan, combine the sugar, butter and corn syrup. Bring to a boil over medium heat; boil for 5 minutes. Remove from the heat; stir in vanilla and baking soda (mixture will foam). Pour over pretzel mixture and stir until coated. Transfer to a greased 15-in. x 10-in. x 1-in. baking pan. Bake at 250° for 45 minutes, stirring every 10-15 minutes. Break apart while warm. Toss with M&M's and candy corn. Cool completely. Store in airtight containers.
I had some trouble finding the exact ounces of the ingredients, but I figured an extra ounce here and a missing ounce there eventually evened out. I was very sad that Aldis was out of pretzels the week I made this...so I had to go the name brand route. BUT - these little waffle designed pretzels worked really well with the coating. Good choice! I elected to get salted dry-roasted peanuts. I also used peanut M&Ms instead of plain - but you could do whatever you like in that realm.
I dumped the pretzels, peanuts, and crackers in my biggest bowl...

I used real butter and cut it into little chunks so it would melt faster with the sugar and the corn syrup.

I did not want to have to scrape burned sugar off the bottom of the pot, so I stayed right there and stirred it the whole time.

It started to boil...so when it got to look like this, I started the timer....

It came to a really good rolling boil.

And this is what it looked like when the timer went off. At this point, I added the vanilla and baking soda.

I poured it over the pretzels, crackers, and peanuts.

Won't lie...it was a bit of a challenge to stir. But I managed to get it mixed up well.

I decided to use my big roaster pan to bake it, so I poured the mixture in there and spread it out so I could get maximum baking evenness.

I stirred it every fifteen minutes. This is what it looked like at the first stirring.

And the second...

And the third! I didn't really have to do much "breaking" like the recipe said. That might have been because it was all spread out in the roaster pan and not bunched up on a cookie sheet.

I added in the candy corn (might have added some extra) and M&M's.

And here's the finished product! Very addictive. Great blend of sweet and salty.

And I have to say - it tasted even better after it sat for a few days. Very, very yummy!! Happy Halloween!!

Surviving the Weekend...One Moment at a Time

Somehow I made it through the rest of the day. At bedtime, I wrote, It’s bedtime and all I can think is what a failure I’ve been today as a desert dweller. I did not heed Your voice. I disobeyed. I flailed. How can You still possibly want to use me?

Ah, but isn't that the beauty of the Lord? So patient. So able to use the worst...

Oh my precious Savior. I am sorry. Where is my mustard seed? Did it escape entirely? I am in need of so much refining and shiver to think of what it might mean…


Streams says: “Certain songs can only be learned in the valley…They are songs remembered through personal experience, revealing their burdens through the shadows of the past, and soaring on the wings of yesterday…the sense of triumph and freedom will be born from the memory of our past bondage…Therefore, dear soul, in this life you are receiving a music lesson from your Father. You are being trained to sing in a choir you cannot see, and there will be notes too low for the angels to reach and certain notes so far above the scale that only an angel could reach them. But remember, the deepest notes belong to you and will only be reached by you. Your Father is training you for a part the angels cannot sing, and His conservatory is the school of sorrows…in the darkest night He is composing your song.”

While I was reading and journaling, I was online and Glen Mills, one of my former youth pastors, responded to an email I’d sent asking him for prayer: “The people God used mightily in Scripture were passionate, forward-moving, flawed people who really loved God at their core, yet did not allow legalism and fear to 'spoil' who God made them to be.” Oh precious Jesus, let THIS be my motto! Tomorrow is a new day…a new chance to love You and walk faithfully – both better than I did today.

I was so relieved to see Monday arrive, because it meant I only had to endure one more day before I could get back into my routine. And right then, I sorely needed routine. Woke up to a song by Kutless, called “What Faith Can Do.” The chorus says, “I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn’t ever end, even when the sky is falling. And I’ve seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That’s what faith can do.”



I clung to those words and then wrote, You told me this morning in those early stolen moments of prayer that I was chosen for this journey because I do have what it takes to do this. I have the courage to wait for my precious love. I have the faith to pray for his heart and life. I have the love to remain faithful even in the ache. Oh Jesus, I don’t know why You found me worthy, but find me faithful. Teach me to pray palms-up for his deliverance.

One Week of Attack...Done

I woke up Sunday morning, completely dreading the day. I’d been under intense spiritual attack for a full week and had no idea how to go on for another day. I don't know if you've ever experienced anything like this before or not, but I'm quite serious when I say I wasn't sure I had the strength to get out of bed...and I knew it would be hours and hours before I could get back in the bed to sleep. I pretty much lived from sleep to sleep at this point. (Although I slept about as well as I ate, so that wasn't even helpful.)

Jonathan had offered for me to come to the lake to get away, but I didn't think I had the ability to make the drive to the lake. I wasn't sure I could be with people. I was lost.

Help me. I am tired, I am weak, I am worn. Oh my precious Jesus. I fall on my face before You begging for strength. I miss my sweet Isaac and feel I can’t even bear another moment of the separation. Why doesn’t he want to call? Why doesn’t he want me? And yet over and over Your Voice whispers to trust the process of the wilderness. We are both in training for trials ahead in ministry. Oh my sweet Father.

Find me faithful. Don’t let me falter. Don’t let me give up. Keep me strong in this journey.

(Side note - "Find me faithful" was a line I would utter over and over to get myself through the day. When I thought I couldn't handle another minute of Satan's oppression, I would call out to be found faithful. It was all that mattered to me. When this was done, I wanted anyone who happened to have seen me walk the path to be able to say "she was faithful.")

When I got home from church, the pressure weighing in on me from Satan was frightening at a level I’d never experienced. So I did what I knew I shouldn’t do – and I texted Isaac. I had to ask for prayer. He did answer me right away and when I told him I was being hounded by Satan and needed prayer, he said he would pray for me.

Then I wrote in my journal, I have been a dismal failure today and the day still has many hours left. Oh Jesus. I don’t want to be disrespectful to Your perfect plan or to Your choice of me to take this journey, but I am disappointed. I know I should be grateful…unquestioning, even, perhaps. But I am angry and disappointed. How could You bring such a great blessing to me and then rip him away again?

I don’t know HOW to trust You. I don’t know HOW to do this journey.

Finally, in pure frustration, I went for a walk. It was the hottest possible day and it was right at the heat of the day but I didn’t care. I had to get out of the house and get away. I headed out for a certain walking path because that particular road seemed to bring me a level of comfort I couldn't quite explain. When I got there, an old creeper guy was driving around. He approached me and tried to get me to get in his car with him. I was far too tired to be as scared as I should have been, but I was alert enough to realize I was not in the greatest situation. Fearing I was about to become the inspiration for a Sunday afternoon Lifetime movie, I got away as quickly as possible, but I wondered…would Isaac even notice if I did get stolen?

When I got home, I could barely breathe from the oppression settling over my heart, so I called my brother-in-law. Woke him up from his nap and didn't even care. (Sorry, Jeff!) We were deep in conversation when my call waiting beeped. It was Isaac. I took the call, and we talked for a bit. It was strained, awkward, and we both sounded horrible. It broke my heart. We were better than this!

When that call ended, I wrote, I am a spoiled child who got her own way; he called me. It was so sweet to hear his voice, his gentle laughter…even the strains of pain, though I hate it that he feels pain. And yet I know my flailing grieved Your heart. I want to be sorry, but I’m not sure I feel repentant…am I just the awfulest person EVER?

Thank You for Jeff’s words today – the reminder that the right person at the wrong time is just as bad as the wrong person. Jesus, conform Isaac and me into the right people at the right time. Jesus, I fall at Your feet on behalf of my sweet Isaac. Heal him, God. Restore his precious heart and make him whole. Carry him in the moments of pain. Oh Jesus, protect him this week as he travels. Send heart warriors his way to love him and offer him restoration.

Things God Whispered

Yesterday I told you how God was faithful to me that weekend through my friends. But they weren't there every minute of the day. There were all those other moments I had to survive.

I had NO idea what I would do with a Saturday. A whole day. How would I survive it? I started by writing, I was restless in bed this morning. Prayed for Isaac and then kept sensing over and over Your voice telling me I am equal to this task. I can do this. You will bring him back and in the meantime I can do this. It’s hard to face a whole day ahead and wonder if I will cross his mind at all. Wonder what You are doing.

I’ve also sensed the call to “be ready,” so I now commit to cleaning…purging of stuff. Help me to be faithful to this task even though it seems a bit hopeless right now.
(Point of clarification...Isaac was in between jobs at this point, and I had no idea where he would end up living once God opened the door for his next assignment. I felt strongly that I needed to be ready to move - right away, if necessary - and I knew that meant I needed to start going through the house and getting rid of things that were unnecessary. I didn't really care about doing so, but I knew it would fill the day, so I started.)

Help me. Purging is harder than I thought it would be. Mostly because Satan throws at me the doubts that this will ever work. I’m cleaning for nothing, he says. Oh God. Help me know that this is where I need to be. Help me submit to the journey and trust you WITH Isaac. Oh Jesus.
Lord the words of Ephesians mean more to me each day as I pray them over Isaac…please open the eyes of both our hearts and teach us what You have for us.

Read this week’s Crazy Love chapter a couple of nights ago but didn’t journal. Convicted on a few points and questioning Your desire for me in this…

First, loved this: “These people were far from perfect, yet they had faith in a God who was able to come through in seemingly dire situations…Having faith often means doing what others see as crazy. Something is wrong when our lives make sense to unbelievers.” Wow.

“True love requires sacrifice. And our love is shown by how we live our lives.” Hmm…well my love for my sweet Isaac is certainly in a sacrificial state right now!

“Jesus was forcing His disciples to trust Him. God would have to come through for them because they had nothing else to fall back on. This place of trust isn’t a comfortable place to be; in fact, it flies in the face of everything we’ve been taught about proper planning. We like finding refuge in what we already have rather than in the hope of what God will provide. But when Christ says to count the cost of following Him, it means we must surrender everything.” Wow and ouch and thank You all at once. This is for me.

“God wants us to trust Him with abandon. He wants to show us how He works and cares for us. He wants to be our refuge. Walking in genuine intimacy and full surrender to God requires great faith.” Oh Jesus. This is what You are teaching me. This is what You require.

And finally: “But God doesn’t call us to be comfortable. He calls us to trust Him so completely that we are unafraid to put ourselves in situations where we will be in trouble if He doesn’t come through.”

Jesus, please come through for me. Please love me. Please bring my sweet Isaac back to me healed and restored and able to love me.

Faithful Friends

I alluded to this in an earlier post, but I want to mention it again. Once I got to this part of my desert, my grief was so great that I had not only no desire to spend time with friends, but I also had no fortitude to reach out to them. I actually had several friends that I either lost entirely during this time or I came precariously close to losing them.

I wanted to care.

I really did.

But my energies were expended entirely on breathing and remembering to shower and trying to force down food at some point every day and doing my best to work. I have a feeling I may never know how often my co-workers stepped in without a word to fill in when I was rendered incapable. I've thanked them...but am not sure they understand just how much it meant to know they would pitch in even when they didn't fully know what was wrong with me.

But I had some dear friends who just showed up. They pushed their way into my life and even if I resisted them, they stayed.

Bless them.

I told you in the last desert post that the Friday night before Memorial Day, our student worker, Rachel, took me to Ivanhoe's for a giant strawberry shortcake as a belated happy birthday treat. And after that, Faith showed up to talk to me for a couple of hours. Those were two blessings.

Of course during this time, the dearest friend I had was God Himself. This excerpt from Streams in the Desert from that Friday night shows the kind of love I started to share with Him.

“Jacob won the victory and the blessing not by wrestling but by clinging…We too will not win the victory in prayer until we cease our struggling. We must give up our own will and throw our arms around our Father’s neck in clinging faith…We are strong with God only to the degree that self is conquered and is dead. Blessings come not by wrestling but by clinging to Him in faith."

It reminded me of the night I'd wrestled with God on Isaac's behalf early on in the desert. There had been much struggling that night...and I knew I had to get to the place where I could give up and cling.

Saturday, God's faithfulness through friends continued. I was in the middle of a cleaning project that day anyway, so it was perfect timing that Olivia stopped by with her dad and her boyfriend, and they loaded up a huge couch and enormous desk I needed to be rid of. I was giving her both things to help her start out her own home…It felt so freeing to be rid of this furniture that was far more than I could handle right then in my tiny home, but seeing the room completely vacated made me feel like someone should be moving in. Someone like Isaac. I tried so hard to stay with the project…to keep cleaning, even though I did not want to.

Early that afternoon, Jonathan called. He was driving from the lake back to town to work at the school and he wanted to check on me. I promptly burst into tears in his ear, and he patiently listened to my cries and confusions. I know that listening to meltdowns on the phone is probably not high on his list of fun things to do, so I immensely appreciated his willingness to listen to my babbling.

Later that afternoon, my phone rang, and I tripped over stuff I was trying to relocate to answer it. It was my friend Tim, who lives out of state but just happened to be visiting for the Indy 500. He wanted to know if I was home…turns out he was sitting in the driveway. I cleared a path to the door and collapsed into a sobbing heap in his arms the moment he walked in the door. Poor guy! He had no idea what he had just walked into! I continued hiccuping on him, and he led me over to the couch and just sat there with me for the next couple of hours, gently listening and offering words of comfort.

And I wrote, You have been so faithful today. Jonathan called this afternoon just when I was struggling most. And then a bit later, Tim came over. But even in all that, I ached to be with Isaac.

Sunday Smattering

Happy 10/10/10! A friend of mine is due with her second baby in a few weeks and she said it would be fun to go into labor early to have a 10/10/10 baby. Good luck with that, Rach! ;)

If I had to pick a theme for this past week, it would be bravery. I spent most of the week outside my comfort zone, but I'm happy to report I survived it all! Today's smattering comes to you in absolutely NO particular order.

* Last Sunday was a huge step for me. It was the first Sunday since Isaac and I broke up that I was able to stay home the entire day (well, after church, of course) by myself. Now granted, it required a complete meltdown and a three hour nap that started the very moment I got home from church, but I DID IT! I stayed home for a whole Sunday! You can roll your eyes, but I'm declaring it a significant praise.

* Before I forget, I must tell you I found a new favorite drink this week. I had it down at McConn coffee shop at work. Apple pie chai. Oh yes please. I'm a little leery about trying new drinks because I don't want to pay that much money only to find out I don't like something, but my friend Judy got one and let me have a sip. I was back at McConn before the end of the day to purchase my own - large - version. Heavenly.

* This is my second week to be a participant in Beth Moore's Living Beyond Yourself study on the fruit of the Spirit. I joined up with a ladies Bible study group for a few weeks to do this study with them, and I'm LOVING it. I'd considered doing this Bible study online this fall but ended up opting out of that plan. I was so thankful for the invitation to join the group...God obviously knew I needed these words right now!

* In the world of nail polish...you know how I'm loving this Shellac thing. Well, the company is trying to keep up with the demand for their product, my nail lady tells me, and they've not been able to create new colors for fall. They have, however, created color recipes. Base coat of one color...top coat of another color...and the result? New color! I asked her if anyone had tried any of them yet and she said no one had been brave enough since she didn't have pictures of the end result colors. I said, I'll try!! So here is my color recipe...called purple foil. The base coat is the dark brown Fedora I had a couple of times ago, and the top coat is a bright pink. I think it's a very fetching fall color, don't you?

* I'm going to put this here rather than over on the book blog...but this was a big week in planning ahead for the book as we approach Christmas! First, I'm really excited about a text I got from a good, good friend. She picked up her copy from me last week and today she said, "I read the intro and the first two days today! I'll start over in December, but so far I love it and don't want to put it down! Paragraph 3, page one - wow! So proud of my writer-friend!" I almost cried right there in my bedroom reading it.


This week I also scheduled a book signing at my old church (so excited to go visit them again!), I talked to two bookstores about the possibility of them carrying my book during this season (and didn't throw up either time...huge!!), and I had the opportunity to drop off come copies at the home of some people who went to church with me when I was a kid. I stayed at their house for over an hour talking with them and decided that's one of the best perks of this whole selling-your-own-book gig! I learned so much from them just in that hour! I'm also brainstorming some ideas to host a study or two in conjunction with the book.



* Little bit-o-construction going on in Bekahland:

Dad finally had time to come over and start building my wall-of-bookshelves in my home office. We've been planning this for several months, but he's very busy. This is half the project. He'll be back next week to build the other half and hopefully attach them to the wall so I can paint and fill them. Cannot wait!! My office is in complete disarray until this is done.



* Friday night I had the opportunity to drive up to Decatur to visit my friend Julie Crandall and drop off a few more Bible study books. (She's the one whose ladies Bible study group is serving as a test group for a study I wrote.) Got to snuggle with her little guy, Levi, who is starting to smile and have quite the personality these days! And her daughter, Esther, kept me well entertained! And of course, I always love the chance to talk to Jon and Julie!



And finally...




...just wondered if you happened to know this girl....

Yep! New look for me! It was time for a change. I was beyond nervous about chopping it all off, but Kandee does a great job! I sat in her chair for an hour with the most petrified look on my face, but she kept telling me over and over to trust her and it would be beautiful. :) I just love her! The work crowd loved the end result. I was worried I would look old and/or fat. They said I looked hip and not fat. So hopefully they're a trustworthy bunch.

Anyway, Kandee is not a new stylist, but she is trying really hard right now to build a bigger clientele. So...if you're local, check out her site and go visit her. She just started working at Hair Designs behind Subway south, and her website even has coupons! :)

His Ways...

I hesitated about doing a desert post today because yesterday's post was so fun to share, and I have some other fun things to tell you tomorrow...but I'll go ahead and throw this one in. It's kind of heavy-hearted, so maybe it will be good to have a break from it tomorrow. You may remember that the last post started talking about Memorial Day weekend and how I wasn't sure I'd make it through each day of the weekend because of the heartache that overwhelmed me.

The worst part of work on Friday was actually a very odd thing...but I share it because I think it shows just how much Satan pays attention to detail and why it's so important to recognize these moments for what they are the very moment they hit...and turn them right over to the Lord. I'd never done that before...let the record show...but this day I did.

I was in the restroom at work, of all places, when I ran into one of the ladies from my own office suite. She stopped to ask me how things were going with Isaac. I work in a rather small office (less than 12 of us in there) but my pain was so great that I stayed holed up in my own actual office all day every day. (I spent most of the days crying and no one needed to see that.) I tried to explain vaguely and then she launched into a twenty minute (no exaggeration!) story about her own love life – and how her man was slipping away from her and it was going to be over. I began to literally, physically panic in the restroom. I had to get away from her. Satan loved having me trapped in the women’s room listening to this story of defeat. When I finally escaped, I rushed to my desk and wrote,

Help me right now. She talked to me for a long time about her relationship with that guy and I felt panicky about losing Isaac. Immediately I felt You telling me to stop listening – Satan was attacking. Remove the words from my mind. Have mercy on me. I trust You. I praise You for what You have promised me. You are on my side. I sacrifice this to You. Keep me from slipping.

After work that evening, our student worker took me out to Ivanhoes for a belated birthday treat. I was so thankful to delay coming home even by a couple of hours. Once I came inside, I collapsed at my desk and wrote:

It’s almost 7 pm and I can’t help but think if my plan had manifested, I’d be halfway to Isaac's right now…just a couple of hours away from seeing my precious love. As it stands, I’m home alone at my desk, preparing to write and aching terribly. The pain isn’t as searing as it was – perhaps not as searing as it may yet be at some point this weekend. But the ache presses deeply. How to comprehend!?!?

One of the things that helped me (may sound strange, but it's true!) in this time was the way God would speak to me through Facebook status posts. So many of my friends posted song lyrics or Bible verses at "random" and they spoke to me so greatly! That particular evening, my friend Brent Vernon posted this:

Isaiah 40:31 (from the Message). “He energizes those who get tired, gives fresh strength to dropouts. For even young people tire and drop out; young folk in their prime stumble and fall. But those who wait upon God get fresh strength. They spread their wings and soar like eagles. They run and don’t get tired, they walk and don’t lag behind.” Oh my precious Savior. How I need You now!

And even though I really was not in the mood for company, God knew I wasn't quite ready to tackle being alone just yet, so He sent Faith over to talk to me for a while. She stayed for a couple of hours and I poured out tears, anger, fear, and confusion to her, and she listened so carefully.

This weekend was honestly when I began to see those little ways in which He moved in my life. Comforting me in the women's restroom during conversational panic...verses posted online...friends who weren't specifically "coming to help" but who showed up anyway in a time when I couldn't find the strengthn within myself to reach out to them.

Show Us Your Life: My Coffee (Butler's) Kitchen

Last Christmas, my friend Marie and I went on a tour of homes. I LOVE being a house hunter and I LOVE seeing other people's Christmas decorations. One home on the tour was the IWU President's home. As we walked through the formal dining room, the hostess told us to walk through the door, through the "butler's kitchen" and into the family kitchen.

So we walked through...and it turns out that the "butler's kitchen" is the same size as my kitchen. So I now refer to my kitchen as the butler's kitchen. Sadly, I have no butler.

So this is my kitchen. It's tiny. Very tiny. A little galley kitchen. I do love my home and I even love my kitchen, but I also have to say if I could change one thing about my house....this would be the room. Since I love to cook, I spend a lot of time in this room, and I'd love to have a bigger place to make dessert!

Even so...welcome to my kitchen. It has a coffee theme. (Seriously, do you expect anything else?)

One nice thing about the kitchen is that I have room above the cabinets to decorate. A couple of years ago, one of my friends gave me these cute mugs, which absolutely matched the color scheme. And I put some coffee beans in a jar....

A birthday present from my BFF...I love it!

Of course there's a TV in there! I have to remain entertained while I cook! And this sign I couldn't resist at Hobby Lobby a couple of years ago...

I think a person's refrigerator says a lot about her. Julie Crandall gave me three PERFECT magnets...

Perfect magnet #2 - along with a clipping of the nativity I want to get this year. (So I don't forget to save up for it!)

Perfect magnet #3 along with a picture from the E-Women conference last year. Loved that Angela Thomas!!

Found these on clearance at Hobby Lobby. They had hooks under them but I didn't need the hooks, so I tore them off.

Mom and Dad gave me the little one in the middle and I got the two bigger ones with a gift card. Perfect completion of the wall!

I normally don't do the whole printed curtain thing, but these were too perfect. Perfect color and perfect theme!

More cabinet top decor. I know. I'm not right. :)

Another present from a friend...if you can't see it, it says, "Friends don't let friends drink decaf."

The last of the decor...little basket of pastries. (Not real of course.)

So that's the kitchen! I'll let you know if I find the butler!

Praying for a Coma

When I awakened the Friday before Memorial Day, I wanted to just crawl into a coma until Tuesday morning. Please PLEASE know I don't mean that as a joke. I know comas are real things and those who have lived through waiting for a loved one to come out of one might think I'm saying these words lightly. I'm not. It's just that I was so physically sick to my stomach at the very thought of getting out of bed that a coma seemed a viable solution to getting through the weekend. So I wrote immediately:

Father, I’m still faltering this morning. Still weak. Hold me. The day has arrived when I thought I’d be getting in my car and driving to his house to meet my new family. Be held by my Isaac. Meet his world. And yet instead, I’ll be here. Immeasurably painful. Disappointing. Scary. Hurtful.

Someone (wish I could remember who) told me, when I said something about dreading facing a day when I should be there but am here instead, “If you are here, then here is where you are supposed to be.”

Father God…my precious Jesus. I offer this to You as a sacrifice. I offer you the pain and disappointment. The uncertainty and worry. Psalm 51:10 – “The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, Oh God, you will not despise.” Today that’s all I have for You. My broken, hurting, aching heart. I offer it to You and praise You in this storm.

Woke up to this song this morning, which comforted me in light of the guilt Satan has thrown at me lately. Song is called “Forgiven” and is by Sanctus Real: “Well the past is playing with my head and failure knocks me down again. I’m reminded of the wrong that I have said and done and that devil just won’t let me forget. In this life I know what I have been, but here in your arms I know what I am. I’m forgiven, I’m forgiven. And I don’t have to carry the weight of who I’ve been cause I’m forgiven. My mistakes are running through my mind and I relive my days in the middle of the night. And I struggle with my pain, wrestle with my pride. Sometimes I feel alone and I cry. When I don’t fit in and I don’t feel like I belong anywhere; when I don’t measure up to much in this life, I’m a treasure in the arms of Christ.”




Sweet Jesus. I’ve failed so much. Forgive me and help me to CHANGE.

Kristin told me about Psalm 56:8 last night and today she encouraged me to read it in the New Living Translation. Love it!

“O God, have mercy on me, for people are hounding me. My foes attack me all day long. I am constantly hounded by those who slander me, and many are boldly attacking me. But when I am afraid, I will put my trust in you. I praise God for what he has promised.

"I trust in God, so why should I be afraid? What can mere mortals do to me? They are always twisting what I say; they spend their days plotting to harm me. They come together to spy on me – watching my every step, eager to kill me. Don’t let them get away with their wickedness; in your anger, O God, bring them down.

"You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book. My enemies will retreat when I call to you for help. This I know: God is on my side! I praise God for what He has promised. I trust in God, so why should I be afraid? What can mere mortals do to me?

"I will fulfill my vows to you, O God, and will offer a sacrifice of thanks for Your help. For you have rescued me from death, you have kept my feet from slipping. So now I can walk in your presence, O God, in your life-giving light.”

I knew these words in the NIV, but something about reading the twist of the other translation gave me just enough hope to at least get me through Friday morning. And I knew that weekend was going to be all about a minute at a time. So if it got me just through half a day...I was grateful.

Breathing...or Trying, Anyway

The spiritual attack I experienced was so huge, I could barely breathe at times.

I carried my journal with me everywhere, writing in it every single moment of every single day, it felt. I had to keep my Bible not only with me, but open, so I could focus on the Words of Life, because for the first time ever, I understood that my very ability to make it to the next moment came straight from the Throne and nothing else.

Jesus, help me right now. I’m being attacked by Satan – plagued by doubts about whether or not Isaac will come back. Convinced he has moved on to someone else. Someone prettier, funnier, more together. But I know Whom I have believed and am persuaded that You are able to keep that which I’ve committed unto You against that day. My sweet Jesus – help me. Surround me right now. Help me put on my armor. Help me fight this attack. Or fight it for me – whichever You think is best. I heard Your Word. Healed, restored, and brought back. Jesus, protect me. Help me.
(** Side note ** - Tsofah, you asked yesterday in your comments what specific things I'd heard promised from the Lord. This was one of them - that I'd sensed in my heart the very day Isaac told me he was called away into a wilderness - and then I heard it over and over and over again after that. God said he would be healed, restored, and brought back. Perhaps God has worked a healing in his heart, a restoration in his life, that I don't know about. Our lack of communication in recent weeks leaves me unable to answer that. I hope it has taken place, and it's one of the things I still pray for in his life, just in case it hasn't happened yet. But I haven't made sense yet of how that healing, restoration, and returning impacts me in the way I felt God impressing me it would.)
Sometimes I'd just quote verses and recite the promises I'd heard God say to my heart. I have heard that Satan can't stand Scripture, and it made sense to me that he also wouldn't be able to stand hearing God's direct promises to me, so I figured if I stated them out loud, he would go away. So over and over...I'd say the words healed, restored, brought back. I didn't always believe them, but I hoped the mere stating of them would fight the enemy.
One evening, Olivia came over to do a workout video with me. I very nearly collapsed doing it, and I'm not exaggerating. During this particular stretch of the desert, I could NOT eat. I'd try to eat but I just couldn't. During this exact time, I believe I was honestly bordering on malnourishment. The meager bit I could eat each day amounted to probably half a meal. Doing a 30 minute shred workout made me so lightheaded, I almost fell over a few times. But I was determined to make it, and I did.
After we worked out, we sat and talked. (Translation - I cried and she listened.) But even though she's ten years younger than I am, she has wisdom and insight far beyond her years, and even beyond mine.
Thank You for Olivia, her listening, her love, her insight. She reminded me You have chosen Isaac and me for this journey. Chosen. Our hands did not go the highest, but You chose us anyway. She also reminded me that she and I have each prayed for above average marriages, so ours will come at higher costs, though they will be worth it.


I read through the entire book of Ephesians tonight – praying it over him. Jesus, infiltrate him with Your will!

I am having a hard time relinquishing the control. Letting You say the same to him that You say to me. Oh Jesus, I trust You with him. I trust You with him.

Streams says, “Do you find yourself at this very moment surrounded with needs, and nearly overwhelmed with difficulties, trials, and emergencies? Each of these is God’s way of providing vessels for the Holy Spirit to fill. If you correctly understand their meaning, you will see them as opportunities for receiving new blessings and deliverance you can receive in no other way. The Lord is saying to you, ‘Bring them here to me.’ Firmly hold the vessels before Him, in faith and in prayer. Remain still before Him, and stop your own restless working until He begins to work. Do nothing that He Himself has not commanded you to do. Allow God time to work and He surely will. Then the very trials that threatened to overcome you with discouragement and disaster will become God’s opportunity to reveal His grace and glory in your life, in ways you have never known before."

Tug of War

I've taken a few days off writing about the desert, so I could share with you about my class reunion weekend. To be honest, I wasn't sure I could come back to desert writing for a while, because in those off-topic days, I had a phone conversation with Isaac in which I had to face anew the reality that this journey has ended. In that conversation, I asked him how I am supposed to make sense of some of the very specific things I heard God say to me during the desert months, when those things unquestionably concerned him alone.

Because of that question, I wasn't sure I could come back to writing about the desert just now. But perhaps, more than ever, this is when I need to write about it. Perhaps determining to find God's hand still active in my walk is what I need to do. So I make no promises about this next batch of posts...they may be very flounder-y, but I hope I'll learn as I write.

I told you last week that back in May, I went through a time of intense spiritual battle. It was something I didn't understand at all. I'd never experienced it before, and in all my times of study, I'd also never really researched it. But it certainly felt like a tug of war. Satan would throw at me all the heartache...and God would remind me of all the promises...and I'd vacillate between the two, completely torn.

For example...this was in my journal...

This morning, You reminded me the dreams we dreamed together are not dead, but simply deferred. Keep me faithful to remember them and hope in them. And uphold my precious Isaac today. Carry him through this leg of the journey. Comfort him, teach him, open his ears to listen and discern, instill in him a love for You and a desire for me. Be big in our story. Be glorified and magnified.

I look at that prayer today and wonder how God used it. (Or perhaps is using it.) I can only assume that God did, in fact, uphold, carry, comfort, and teach Isaac in that time. And I can only continue to pray that as the current days of my own life unfold, God will be glorified and magnified through the time we shared. It's not the way I thought it would be. It's not the way I hoped it would be. But even in my disappointment and ache, I still choose to trust God to be big through the reality that we did have a story.

People, at this point, were somewhat curious about what was going on with me. They knew something wasn't right, but they didn't know what, exactly, was wrong. One day I received a message from Jody (sidebar blog link), and I sent her an email briefly summarizing my desert.
She wrote back a sweet message, including a reminder of the words of Ephesians 3:20. I looked it up and found this whole section to be yet another way I wanted to pray specifically for Isaac.

I remember YEARS ago, You gave me Ephesians as my marriage book and now twice this week You have prompted me to pray from it. Starting in 3:16 – “I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ and to know this love that surpasses knowledge – that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of Christ. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations forever and ever! Amen!"

Precious Holy Father, I pour out those words as a prayer over my sweet Isaac. Gracious Lover of our souls….strengthen my Isaac. Rise up around him and strengthen his soul. Make a beautiful picture of grace out of the hurt and brokenness he feels. Root him deep in You and establish in him a love for me. Inundate him with You as you have been doing with me. Fill his heart full of You and strengthen him to love me.

Your plan is more than I could ever dream. Blow my mind. Work in us and restore us in a beautiful way, my precious Jesus.

God's plan is still more than I can ever dream. He can still do abundantly more than I can ask or imagine. I have absolutely no clue where He plans to take me from here. I have no idea who He has for me or if He has anyone for me. But I believe He can still blow my mind. I believe He can still work in us and restore us. If not as a couple, then as individuals. It's hard to pray this way. My heart still wants to pray for our collective restoration. But even if God never does that for us, I still love Him. I still trust Him. I still want to see what He has.

Now THIS is a Dream Come True...

Every year, IWU books a good concert for homecoming weekend. I heard rumor this summer that the concert this year was the Gaither Vocal Band. I didn't so much believe it because I also heard that it hadn't been arranged until March...and it seemed illogical to me that the official Homecoming concert would not have been scheduled by that date. But then when I read it in print...EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

I told my Mom that after the year I've had, it must be a special message of love from God Himself that David Phelps would be on the schedule at my 10 year reunion. You can choose to think otherwise if you'd like, but you're not going to change my mind. :)

I bought tickets to go with my sister and with Isaac, but my sister couldn't come and obviously after the breakup, Isaac couldn't come either, so Jenny went with me. I was so thankful she was there!

The concert was in our new chapel/auditorium. We were very fortunate to have this concert at all, because the Vocal Band doesn't go to a venue of less than 6000...but after Bill and Gloria were on campus for the World Changers convocation in March, Bill decided he wanted to do a concert here, so.....it began! Kevin Williams (the GVB guitar player) opened things up....

And then Bill came out to sing Old Friends.

Buddy Greene did a little bit on the guitar/harmonica.

And then...happiness on a stage. They opened with one of my all-time favorites: Alpha and Omega. In case you're not the diehard that I am, let me give you a little tour of the group. Left to right...David Phelps, Mark Lowry, Michael English, Wes Hampton, Bill Gaither.

Wes Hampton - doing a little Journey to the Sky - with Mark looking on.

David sang Nessun Dorma. I had previously warned the lady on the other side of me that I'm not right when it comes to David, and I don't think she believed me. I do think that scared her, though. Bless her heart. :)

I could seriously listen to him sing this song all day. I've been known to sing it over and over in my car. I know all the words. Sometimes I remember what a few of them mean.

He was on fire with that song last night!

I would like to take this moment to say that my boss ended up getting a front row seat at the last minute. I paid her a visit at intermission to let her know she may or may not have a friend in me come Monday. :) Good thing she loves me.

Okay are you tired of David pictures now? (The acceptable answer here is NO.)

My sister loves Michael English, so I tore the camera lens away from David long enough to take some of Michael for her. What do you think - 8x10 of this for her for her birthday?

These five have a great time singing, that's for sure!

On their latest project, David also does the old song He's Alive. Don Franciso's (?) song...he does a phenomenal job of it. (Of course.)

Great, great job.

I was sad that this one was blurry!

Our University Chorale sang with them on a few songs, and about 150 alumni singers came back to sing as well. It was very powerful - both to see and to hear!

They did one of my favorites - You Are My All in All. Love that song - love this arrangement!

Mark told some great stories...and did a fantastic job of singing, of course.

Toward the end of the concert, I got too hot (stupid broken body thermometer!) and felt sick so I had to go out and get some fresh air. When I came back in for the concluding songs - including Let Freedom Ring - I got some different perspective pictures. Yes, I took my camera with me. I was sick, not stupid!

That picture above shows you how far back I really was. (Didn't use zoom on it at all.) But below you can see how great my camera did with the detail! Jonathan is in Chorale and he was almost to the very back/top of the Chorale. But I found him!

We joined them to sing Greatly Blessed...Highly Favored.

All in all, a GREAT concert. GREAT. The perfect ending to a very fun weekend with friends from days gone by and friends from now, too.

This was my new concert outfit. (Thanks, Megan, for getting it all in the picture!) And of course, you know Jonathan. He wasn't from my college class, but I had to get a picture of him for the scrapbook, because he's been a great encouragement and support in these recent, difficult months.