Worth it Wednesday #2

I shared this video on my Saturday Six post - and hopefully you've seen it. Very powerful message of how we see ourselves vs. how others see us. I've been thinking about it all week.

Too bad we don't all have a forensic artist friend, huh? In the absence of such a friend in my life, I created a similar activity - which ended up being pretty interesting!

First I asked myself...if I had to describe myself to someone, as the women in the video did, what would I say? Here's my list. On any typical given day, this is how I see myself. These are the things that stick out most to me. The neon signs that say "Here comes Bekah!!"

* Attitudinal hair - sometimes curly-ish, sometimes straight-ish, brown with gray roots too much of the time - a little past my shoulders.
* Big forehead with a widow's peak.
* Hazel eyes.
* Big nose.
* Scar across left cheek.
* Almost straight teeth.
* Tiny fingernails.
* Not flat stomach. {We won't talk about the stomach.} {Except I almost always talk about the stomach.}

Those are the things I see first/most when I look at myself. Now...let me say this. When I blogged last week for Worth it Wednesday, I said this lack of physical self-esteem was something Ryan couldn't fix for me. This is something I have to do for myself. My very wise friend, Kari, said this to me: "You are correct in saying that Ryan can't help you with this but his stability is an awesome resource for you."

SO. TRUE. People can't fix this for us, but people sure can encourage us. People sure can give us perspective. So this week I did a thing that felt silly and kind of embarrassing - but I did it anyway. I emailed 3 people plus Ryan {not that Ryan isn't a people...but he's in a different category because he's my husband} and I asked them how THEY would describe me. Here's some of what they said:

* Her skin is smooth.
* Her cheek bones are well defined.
* Her nose is straight and in good proportion to the size and shape of her face.
* Her eyes are so expressive and she can speak through them.
* Her mouth speaks without saying anything.
* When her hair is curly, she's tired. When it's straight, she's feeling pretty good.
* Her smile and laugh are contagious. The laugh's my favorite.
* She covers her stomach when she gets her pictures taken
* Her eyes are compassionate and tuned in when she looks at others but hurting and insecure when she talks about herself.
* Her nails are always perfectly manicured
* Her hair is always freshly colored
* Her eye makeup is great
* Her clothes are trendy, yet classic
* Her jewelry is always slammin'
* Overall: One beautiful girl!
* Her eyes are bright and expressive
* She has a wide smile
* Real eyebrows {as opposed to the complete lack of them}
* Cute dimples

Those comments were all from the girls. Now, for what my husband said:

When I look at Bekah, one thing that sticks out right away is her huge, beautiful smile. It will light up a room right away and let others know they are welcome....she does her hair in several different styles that always look good and oh-so-cute. No matter the situation, she can make you laugh by her little quirks or wittiness. She always speaks to me with words of encouragement and strength, making sure I know how much I am loved. And I see her do the same with others who share her same struggles. Then there are her eyes: so big, so kind, so loving, so beautiful, never judgmental. She is such an amazing woman whom I love more every day, and who shows me a love without limits. I thank God for her daily, as I can't imagine life without her. I still can't believe this is my life, and my wife is Bekah - complete Awesome Sauce.

{Awesome Sauce is his nickname for me.}

Things I learned from this experiment are as follows:

* While I see my hair as attitudinal, frizzy, temperamental, and going rapidly gray, others see my hair as fun and versatile - and interestingly enough, freshly colored. {Tip: don't try a scented marker in a pinch. It will fail you. Not that I know this.}
* Not one of them, even my husband, who knows me the best and sees me in the closest possible way, mentioned a widow's peak or the scar on my cheek. They don't see that.
* Not only did the big nose go unmentioned...one said my nose is in correct proportion to my face. And I don't think she meant I had a big face. :)
* The only one who mentioned my stomach only did so in the context of saying she noticed I wasn't comfortable with it.

And this was THE most interesting thing of all:

All of them mentioned my eyes/smile/laugh first and foremost. And every one of them mentioned it not just as a physical feature, but as a deeper feature. Not one of them mentioned the color, but all of them mentioned my eyes were expressive...kind....compassionate...something along those lines. And when they see my smile, they don't see "almost straight teeth" - but they see something joyful and expressive.

My mind is tumbling...and I fear if I keep processing out loud to you right now...this post will become book-length. So I think I'm going to continue to ponder for another week and bring some of my conclusions and lessons learned to you next week.

But in the meantime, I encourage you who struggle with your physical image {and let's face it...who out there doesn't struggle with SOMETHING about yourself?} to be brave and ask a handful of friends to be your "forensic artist." It will feel awkward, but seriously - try it. Make a list of how you see yourself and THEN - after you've made the list - ask four friends to describe you. Then put all the lists side by side and see how others see you in comparison to the way you see yourself.

And as you do this, read with an open mind. Ask God to saturate your heart with His truths about the person He knit together in your mother's womb. {Psalm 139:13-16)

Start the Celebration Early!

Tomorrow is a very important day in Shafferland.

Someone has a birthday.

Hint: He's the one on the left.

Except today he looks a little more like this:

Tomorrow is Worth it Wednesday here on the blog, so I wanted to be sure to take today to wish my handsome husband a happy, happy birthday.

Ryan Shaffer, I love you. I love this life we are in the middle of creating together. I love the memories we've made along the way, and I love knowing there are many, many more memories to make in the days to come.

I love the way you put so much love and creativity into our life together. From planning our first date to planning our engagement to planning our wedding, you have shown me at every turn that you are invested in us - for always. And I love that about you.

I love the way you take care of me - in moments of my silly quirkiness. Regardless of what I might be worried about, afraid of, overwhelmed by...you are right there with such great understanding and you reassure me in ways that comfort me so much. {You know, for instance, when we're caught in a boat in a storm?}

I love the way you encourage me to do the things I don't think I can do - and you not only encourage me, but you also walk {or occasionally run} right beside me. I am braver because of you.

Much, much braver. How do you get me to do this stuff?

I loved beginning a life with you...in paradise...

And I love the everyday with you...

I love how you love sharing with me about your work - and you also love sharing mine right alongside me:

I love the way you comfort me when I'm down:

...treasure me...

...laugh with me...

...and did I mention challenge me?

You are the love of my life, and today...tomorrow...always...I celebrate YOU.

May I have this dance?

20 Questions

I may or may not have found this 20 question gig on Emily A. Clark's blog Saturday. I liked the questions so I'm borrowing it. :)

1. What is your essential road trip snack? Combos. It's the weirdest thing. I don't normally buy combos any other time, but I really, really love to have them on a road trip. I'll eat any, but the cheddar in crackers kind still holds my favorite spot.

2. You've been handed 2 free round-trip tickets. Where are you going and who are you taking with you? Oh man!! How to PICK?? Just kidding. Well interestingly enough, Ryan and I have been hunting for some plane tickets for a trip we're taking later (and all that's still a surprise, so I can't tell you more than that right now) - but we'd go there and that means obviously I'd take Ryan!

3. What was your high school jam? Don't laugh. Sandi Patty.

4. Would you rather have a perfect bum or a flawless face? Face!! Face!! :)

5. What shows are you ashamed to admit are on your DVR? Well the one my mother hates to hear is on there is Ellen.

6. What's your ringtone? I'm currently holding a transition phone, so whilst I wait for the new one to arrive, it's whatever was preset on the phone. But I will tell you that on my old phone, my ringtone for Ryan was J.J. Heller's song "Love Me."

7. How old were you when you had your first kiss? Was it meh or toe-curling? I was 2 months shy of being 21 years old and it was neither meh or toe-curling. It was incredibly awkward because I was so scared, but it was also incredibly wonderful because I'd waited almost 21 years for it! Though obviously we did not end up together, it's a memory I don't hate or regret.

8. Do you have any siblings, and if so, where are you in the birth order? I am the youngest by um.....15 1/2 years. :) I was a wee bit of an accident. To put it nicely. This is me with my sisters on my wedding day:

9. What was your first car, and did you name it? I did indeed! It was a gray-blue Ford Escort that our family purchased when I was a 3rd grader. I named him Lloyd {after Lynne's boyfriend on Alf.}

10. What would you request for your last supper? A buffet of all my many favorites and a giant frappe.

11. Have you ever been hospitalized, and if so, what for? Yes. I was hospitalized when I was 5 {just overnight} for a strep infection that settled in my hip and rendered me unable to walk. True story.

12. How tall are you? Do you wish you were taller or shorter, or are you just right? Until about 2 months ago, I was 5'6" which I deemed perfect. When being measured for a physical, I was informed I am 5'5 and 3/4". Too short and flat out ridiculous. I'm too young to shrink.

13. Do you prefer to DIY or hire it out? Decorations: DIY. Real work: Until 4 months ago, forced to hire it out due to lack of talent. Now: I just ask Ryan. It's one of the most lovely and unexpected treats of marriage.

14. What do you eat for breakfast? Ryan brings me coffee while I do my devotions, and then later I have a peanut butter and honey sammich. Usually eat that on the way to work.

15. What would you do for a living if you didn't need money? I would be THRILLED to be a stay-at-home wife and spend my days writing and taking care of Shafferland.

16. Finish this sentence: Every room needs...Cozy lamps or lighting of some sort. Ryan and I have been working on cozy-ing up the house. I love it.

17. How frequently do you wash your hair? Do you have any hair secrets or tricks? If I straighten my hair, I can go two days without washing - and it looks better the second day. Not as frizzy. If I curl it, which is what I usually do, it has to be washed every day because it has fire-hazard amounts of product in it. Do I LOOK like I have hair tricks? But if YOU have any, I'll take them!

18. Will you leave the house without makeup? No. I can leave without lipstick, blush, and eyeshadow, but I CANNOT leave without eyeliner or mascara or I look very ill.

19. You just unloaded your Halloween haul. What candy do you go for first? Likely to be a toss-up between Snickers and Reeses.

20. What totally inane talent do you possess? Sadly, I can think of none. :(

The Shafferland Shuffle

* Last Sunday morning, I was the guest speaker at Calvary Chapel United Methodist Church in Avilla, Indiana. That's about an hour and 20 minutes from our house, so we had an early morning! But I loved looking out from that platform and seeing my biggest support in the front row smiling at me. I love that man!

We had such a great day together - lunch on the way home, a lonnnnnnnng nap, cookie baking, a bit of a walk, and a wonderful dinner with his parents!!

* Monday evening, Ryan and I worked on swapping out summer/winter clothes in our closets. I realize it's probably 30 kinds of pathetic that THIS was the highlight of my day, but it's true. I've been sick of wearing the same 4-5 outfits over and over again - so I was THRILLED to see all the colorful faves come out of hiding and take up a proud residence in the closet.

* Tuesday was a rainy, yucky, dreary day, so imagine my joy when I found out a listener dropped off CUPCAKES at work just for us?? Seriously - isn't this so springy and cute?

And it was every bit as yummy as it looks. {The little colored pearl looking things were chocolate on the inside. YUMMY.} Thanks, Sugar Momma's Bakery!!!

* Wednesday, I wore my Easter dress to work and every single person who saw me said either "What's the occasion?" or "Have an interview?" Apparently I need to dress up more often. :) Ryan and I sneaked in a quick walk after work and before the rains came...and while out....look what we found!! SIGNS OF LIFE!!

 

* Thursday we were under some REALLY weird weather warnings, so I ended up spending the second half of the day working at home in nasty wind and rain. Technically I was working INSIDE, so I avoided the wind and rain on my person, but I was safe from all the chance of blowing or floating off the road if things got really bad. My view:

*

 * And by Friday, our general area had seen some of its worst flooding ever. Schools were even closed because so many roads were impassable. I made it to work and that night after we both got home, we went out on an errand running date, which included one of our {truly} favorite things: house dreaming our way through Lowe's with Starbucks in hand. Don't judge us.

* Yesterday was both fun and exhausting. We spent THE entire day running errands all over the state of Indiana - including a stop at Red Robin for lunch. There was a family seated behind us that had a whole passel of unruly kids and by the time they were all done yelling at each other {parents to the kids and kids back to the parents} we were exhausted. Ryan's recovery, post lunch:

Then last night we got together with Ryan's dad's side of the family to celebrate Ryan's upcoming birthday!! VERY yummy dinner!

The Saturday Six

Okay I completely stole this idea from Emily A. Clark's blog, but she has so many interesting little factoids and tidbits and links and such that she shares on Saturdays, so I thought I'd try to see if I encountered that much interesting-ness in a week. :)

One.

 We received a silver platter for our wedding...a gift from one of our fifth grade teachers...a lovely, elegant woman with such class. Her card read that it was a traditional gift - but she felt every home should have a silver platter. Last Sunday night, Ryan's parents took us out for dinner at our favorite Mexican restaurant, and when we all came back to our house, we invited them in for coffee and homemade chocolate chip cookies, freshly baked by two of us that afternoon. I walked into our newly-nested den, silver platter of homemade cookies in hand...and I felt like the consummate hostess. Mrs. Bryan was right. Every home needs a silver platter.

Two.

                                                                             Source

I realize that as of late, you haven't heard much about David Phelps. And no doubt, this has kept you awake many a night. {Oh stop it.} Well, I was so excited when Kristin texted me to say Sandi Patty had tweeted out some pics with the Vocal Band...and look what's back!!! David's curls! Still a little short on the bottom for my liking, but three thousand points for growing that back out!

Three.

  Source

As I mentioned, Ryan and I are dreaming up some renovations for our kitchen, and our driving factor is...budget. We both like to keep it frugal. That's why I was so excited to see this post from KariAnne over at Thistlewood Farms, about her butler's pantry floor for under $100. Three things I loved about this post: 1.) She has a butler's pantry. I call my kitchen a butler's kitchen. They could be related! 2.) When you click over and see the before picture...well...prepare to be amazed. Gives me much hope for the idea of vision in renovation. 3.) Never would have thought of alternating two tile patterns like she did. {Those are peel and stick tiles, by the way.} The whole post made me giddy and ready to start a day planner printable for renovation dreams.

Four.

I'm sure most of you have seen this video by now...it's been all over Facebook and Twitter feeds this week. But if you've not paused to actually watch it...you should. Especially in light of my "Worth it Wednesdays" journey, I cannot get out of my mind what this video conveys. I'd continue to describe it, but I'd ruin it. Watch and ponder.

Five.

  You all know I love Essie polish. It's possible that while shopping for milk, bread, potatoes and mushrooms this week...this found its way into my cart. A nice, new spring inspired color - called Turquoise and Caicos. Ohhhh how tropical!!!

Six

 

Things that make us very happy include...an organized spice cabinet. We did this little project earlier in the week and we may or may not open the cabinet randomly to admire our good work. I feel much more settled in a home that contains such organization - even in hidden places. Please tell me this sort of thing makes you as happy as it makes us...

Just a Thought to Ponder

Lynne and I had a conversation this week...

...which led to a conversation with Ryan...

...which led to a whole lotta thinking in my head...

...which, of course, means I have to tell you. {I'm so junior high that way.}

Lynne asked me what came to mind when I heard the phrase "worship experience."

I thought about it for a minute and I concluded it was a production. A whole carefully constructed and orchestrated event with a rehearsed multi-piece-and-voice band, power point, music, speaking, note-taking...the whole nine yards.

We talked about it more and it left me wondering...

...when did worship have to become an experience?

When did it become imperative to conjure up so much feeling and emotion in a controlled setting?

The worship I remember best has taken place...kicked back in a boat with the anchor dropped in the middle of a lake...or swinging my legs off the side of a pier with my journal in hand and no one else around...or face down on a blanket in my backyard with the sun beating down on my hair...leaning against the wall of the shower while hot water pelted me and I choked through sobs...or behind the wheel of my Bekah-mobile with the radio cranked. No production. Just God, me, and whatever He was using in that moment.

Ryan and I talked about it later and I shared with him this tweet from Beth Moore, in which she quoted her daughter, Melissa:

People don't read the Bible. They just talk about it.

It's true, you know.

How many times have I curled up to read my devotions and I read everything but the Bible?

I'm convicted today. Am I depending on a constructed experience? Or am I allowing God to teach me to just worship...with whatever I have and wherever I am? Am I reading the Bible? Or just talking about it?

God...grow me.

Kitchen Dreams

I love the HGTV life. I faithfully watch all the design shows...to mentally file away great ideas for my own home. I carefully construct Pinterest board with ideas for decorating and nesting the home that has recently become a very cozy Shafferland.

Problem.

I have little talent in the land of renovation. I can paint like nobody's business. I can arrange furniture and add accessories and choose curtains. But whenever things like a screwdriver and a hammer enter the picture, I begin to sweat. I can barely handle a hammer for the purpose of hanging a picture.

That's why it's such a lovely thing that Ryan is a handyman. He can not only hang a picture without creating a fist-size hole in the wall, but he can also do things like install garbage disposals, assemble hammocks, and correctly connect electronic devices. It's unlike anything I've ever seen inside the walls of my little house.

And we have dreams, once we have our merge-n-purge-two-houses project complete, to do some actual renovation on the house. Nothing huge. No busting through walls. But some sweet little projects that might just make the house all the sweeter. {To sell.}

The kitchen is one of our projects. No idea what it will all pan out to look like in the end, as the dreaming phase is still very, very new. When I told Lynne about some of our ideas, her response was "Sounds like some good blog fodder."

Probably. :)

But wanna dream with me for a minute?

Curtains.

Really? In the world of actual renovations, I want to start by talking about curtains? I do. The kitchen doesn't have a TON of natural light and I find myself wanting to maximize every bit of it I can coax inside. I want to do something that will allow some decor...yet won't push away any sunlight. Here's an idea I found on Pinterest, which I would potentially like to try - with different fabric.

Source: google.com via Rebekah on Pinterest

Backsplash 

We don't have a backsplash right now, and we're both sort of OCD so we don't really need one for the purpose of keeping the wall clean/easy to clean, but I think the alteration to the wall would just be very pretty to look at. I found this one last night and loved it. No grout. Kinda cottage-y. Love it.

Source: sunlitspaces.com via Rebekah on Pinterest

Faucet

My faucet is relatively new...Mom and Dad helped me put in a new one when my house went on the market back in the day, but it's a standard faucet. I think getting a fun faucet {haven't picked one out yet - but something more in the style of the picture above} would be a good change for the kitchen. I especially think this because there are some things we just CAN'T change about the kitchen - so this would be one good thing to do.

Flooring

Haven't figured this one out yet entirely either. Currently, our kitchen has carpet. Old, old carpet. I am not a fan of carpet in a kitchen because it's just too hard to get clean. And this carpet is stained and ripped - and it just needs to go. Not sure if we'll go with wood laminate or tile, but either way, I think it will make a HUGE change in the kitchen.

Counter Top

Source 

We want to spruce up the counters without purchasing new ones, so we're going to try our hand at granite paint. {This would be when Lynne mentioned blog fodder....} We've seen this done at our friends' house...and it looks really nice. We looked through some of the options and found a couple we really like - so we'll see how it turns out when we do it for real!

Stove

The only appliance in the kitchen that looks kind of rough is our stove. The refrigerator, dishwasher, and microwave have all been purchased since I moved into the house, but the stove is old. {Like it belonged to my grandma.} It still has the coil burners and there's no window on the oven, which leads to misadventures like melting lids of things stored inside. There's also a giant piece gouged out of the top where I may or may not have dropped a dish on it one time. So a new stove would not only be a treat for us as we cook there, but should help be a selling point! My only request? A flat top to the stove. I think those are beautiful.

So there you have it...our kitchen renovation dreams. Can't wait to share the official before and after pictures with you - and all manner of stories in between, I'm sure. {Ryan will do the hammering. I'll do the photographing. A match made in Heaven.}

Worth It Wednesday #1

Last week, I shared with you my own struggle to feel...worth it. It's a deep-rooted struggle I've wrestled with my whole life, and the truth is, no matter how wonderful Ryan is {and he is wonderful}...he can't fix this one for me. This one goes way into the core of my heart.

And I invited you to share this journey with me. To take a look within yourself...in the areas where you don't feel worth it...and make a commitment to change. So here we are, my friends. Worth It Wednesday, week one.

Remember last week when I told you that I stared at the ceiling in the bedroom and whispered into the darkness, Will I ever be better? And Ryan's answer to me was If you choose to be.

I've been stuck on that this week. If. You. Choose. To. Be.

All week, I've been working on  choosing to be worth it. Here are my thoughts, and I invite you to take these and bend them around your own feelings of unworthiness...adjust them in ways that will help you choose to be worth it...however that looks in your life.

* Embrace my weakness as a vessel for His strength. I told Ryan earlier that what I did not want this journey to become was one in which I focused on becoming strong. I do not want to look back at the end of this thing {whenever that comes} and say, "Hey look what I did! I'm great! I figured this out." NO. I want to look back at the end and say "GOD did this. It was 0% Bekah and 100% God." I've seen way too many people who took credit for being amazing, instead of crediting God's amazing grace.

2 Corinthians 12:7-10 talks about how Paul had a weakness that he begged God to take away from him...but God said no. God said "My grace is sufficient for you...my power is made perfect in weakness."

Source: likesjesus.org via Katya on Pinterest

* Choose - if even through gritted teeth. This week I struggled to feel worthy as a wife. It was nothing Ryan did or said...it was my own expectations. I felt unworthy in my own skin...seeing only ugly in the mirror. I felt unworthy in friendships...as though that picked-last-for-dodge-ball girl had resurfaced. And in those moments, I had to CHOOSE worth. I clenched my jaw and said, "I choose to believe I'm a good wife. I choose to believe I'm a good wife." I didn't believe it, but I said it out loud anyway.

In Matthew 4:1-10, Satan came after Jesus, and Jesus refuted his lies out loud. There's power in the spoken word. Whatever lie the enemy is using to torment you, counter it out loud. Choose, out loud, to be worth it.

* Document the choice. I'm a tangible sort of girl. I learn things so much better if I see them...every day...out loud...in front of me. For me, this week, it came in writing. In journaling the words so I could see them and have them as a document of the journey.

Preacher Jonathan Edwards said this: "I made a solemn dedication of myself to God, and wrote it down; giving up myself, and all that I had to God..." There's power in a tangible declaration. 

In Deuteronomy 6:1-9, God urged His children to write His commands on the doorposts of their houses and on their gates. Right out there where they could see them. No way to forget what's right there in plain sight. What if we did that too? What if we wrote down words of worth and truth?

* Let another Voice be louder. When you don't believe you are worth it...and when Satan screams...listen to truth. This song says it so perfectly:

Think about it this week...and do more than just think.

Do. It.

This is your chance. Your chance to start a journey to believing you're worth it by choosing to believe you're worth it.

I call heaven and earth to witness against you today, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and curse. Therefore choose life...

 ~ Deuteronomy 30:19 ~

Dancing

When Ryan and I were dating, we said goodbye every night by sharing a dance.

In the dimly lit living room, we'd choose a song from our playlist and move slowly around the carpet...usually with me crying into his shoulder.

Because dancing meant goodbye.

Sunday night, when I shut the door behind Ryan's mom and Allen...I turned to find Ryan standing with his hand out...offering me a dance.


I cradled my head on his shoulder and inhaled deeply. He whispered, "It's Sunday night. Time to say goodbye."

Ohhhh how I remember those days and how hard they were.

How grateful I am that now, dancing just means goodnight.

 Thanks, God. Thanks for another day to dance in his arms.

SSMT: Verse 8

It doesn't have to be a big verse to be meaningful.

And choosing to focus on a short verse isn't cheating. :)

I found this verse last week, when I was researching verses on being chosen, because let's face it...sometimes we need to remember that life isn't gym class, and God isn't going to choose us last for dodge ball. {Not that I have any haunting memories of that sort of thing happening in real life...}

But just in case I actually do have haunting memories of that...I ask you...do you know what it's like firsthand to not be chosen? For dodge ball? For a science fair project partner? For the varsity team? For the college you wanted? For the job you hoped to get? For the house you bid on? For the baby you wanted to adopt? For the husband you prayed to marry?

Rejection hurts. Being passed over hurts.

And that's where the lies begin. The lies that we're not good enough, not worth enough, not _________ enough.

And then this verse:

For we know, brothers loved by God, that He has chosen you.

~ 1 Thessalonians 1:4 ~

I swim in the comfort of that verse.

I may have been the fat, uncoordinated fourth-grader that no one {rightfully so, unfortunately} wanted protecting them from the stinging rubber gym balls. I might have been the introverted, timid pseudo-professional the publishing house didn't want for their editing team. I may have been the awkward one who showed up for the play audition and screamed the part in in an effort to be believable and instead of being the exciting step-mother...I was relegated to narrator. I may have been the girl who watched the man she prayed for marry another. {But WOW did I ever get a better answer!}

People may have passed me by. But He has chosen me.

Grateful. 

The Shafferland Shuffle

* Last Sunday was SO beautiful. We were able to actually REST for the first time in weeks...months...and it was wonderful. Donuts for breakfast, crock pot soup for lunch, a long nap, and a beautiful, leisurely walk and heart-to-heart talk at the end of the day. I love days like this. This is what Sunday was meant to be.

* Monday, we had an exciting day at work, as the station finally reached its fundraising goal for 2013! The whole year is now paid off, and that is so exciting! We were able to celebrate together on the air, which was great!

* Tuesday evening, we enjoyed a great night at home together. I love the nights when I get home in time to cook dinner before Ryan gets home and it's all ready for him the minute he walks in the door. Perhaps a little June Cleaverish, but it brings me such joy. We even took advantage of the freakishly warm spring evening to take a nighttime walk. {Something I've always wanted to do!!}

* Wednesday night was just YUCKY out. It rained. And rained. And rained. And rained. Ryan and I had a night at home and I had the chance to make another Dashing Dish recipe. {I talked about that website earlier this week in case you missed it.} It was so good -  wanna see a picture? This is taco meat loaf.

* Thursday, Ryan spent the day doing all sorts of errands, and in the middle of the day, I got a text from him that said, "Can't wait for you to come home" - along with a picture of these.

Oh I loved that. He makes me feel very loved. :) We worked hard on the house again - we're still sorting and finding homes for things - and sending loads of stuff to the mission. Major purging parties!

* Friday night we enjoyed a date night at home - with Chinese takeout and a movie. It was SO cold and wet out that we really had no motivation to go anywhere except tucked under a blanket on the couch. We chose from our DVR'd movies and had a great night!

 * And yesterday we worked our fool tails off, trying to do yet MORE cleaning on the house. We cleaned out the spare bedroom {which has been just shy of recruiting an intervention since we got engaged!!!} and brought over Ryan's living room furniture from his old house to make ourselves a little den. We did lots more sorting and organizing - and last night I got to curl up and work on my speaking engagement notes right here in our latest nest:

A Boost for Your Saturday

Have y'all heard of cardboard testimonies?

I love em. If I need a faith boost, I watch a cardboard testimony video. God is amazing in every work He does in a person's life. Too bad that we categorize those testimonies into "really good" down to "mediocre" and "flat out boring."

We do that, you know. We read a book of someone's story and think, Oh wow...that's a great story. Mine is nothing compared to that.

So we sit silently.

But the truth is - it does. not. matter. what God rescued you from...celebrate the fact that HE RESCUED YOU! From pride. From selfishness. From fear. From illness. From addiction. From WHATEVER!! Whatever provided your chain of bondage...it's gone because of Him and that's worth a party!

I watched a couple of these the other day and they so moved me that I wanted to share one with you today. I'll stop and let the cardboard do the talking. Seriously. Watch.

{And yes. This one has a Crowder song and I'm still using it. Hope you're sitting down.}

Goose bumps, right?

You have one too, you know.

Dashing Dish Love

Every blog has its “thing,” you know? I read some for the recipes, some for the decorating advice, some for the good stories, some for spiritual encouragement, some for great deals…you get the idea. My thing is that I have no “thing.” I just love to share the love! So if I find a great book or recipe that I think you should know about – I tell you. If I find a post that hits me – I’ll tell you about that. No endorsements. No paid advertising. Just this girl telling you about the stuff she’s fallen in love with.

You know. Like Picaboo. Or Essie Nail Polish. Or all my Pinteresting finds at the end of every month. Or, like today, Dashing Dish.

Dashing Dish was actually a Pinterest find for me. Someone pinned it to her board of blogs to read. I clicked because the blogger, the lovely Katie Farrell, was just that. Lovely. She’s so pretty and her smile so inviting that I thought I might need to be her blog friend. {Translation: I might want to read her blog while she had no idea I was on the planet.}

 Source

Then I started reading/watching her story and I wanted to cry. I wanted to cry because she’s a girl who gets what I deal with on a food level. Different details, same struggle. Katie’s story was that she bought into a bunch of lies about food and weight back when she was a teenager, and she ended up struggling with eating disorders. My story is that I was fat my whole life until I dated Isaac and lost my appetite for four months during our breakup and could only eat about ¼ of a normal meal spread over a whole day.

God worked in her heart and life and taught her {and hear me on this because THIS was the key that made me love Katie’s approach to food} – how to understand the perfect place for her body to be.

That’s how she got healthy. She got in the Word and fell in love with Jesus in a new way. She was set free from all the “measurements” forced on her through clothing sizes and calorie counting and fat gram checking. {Not saying she might not still use those measuring tools but she stopped being enslaved to them.} And now she creates recipes that she calls on her blog, “healthy alternatives to the food you crave.”

I remember eagerly seeking Ryan in our house the night I first visited Dashing Dish and saying “I think this girl can help me. I think I can do THIS.”

You see, I lost somewhere in the neighborhood of 50 pounds through all the love life drama – but I did it while drinking full strength coke, sucking down frappes, and living on McChickens and French fries. (When you don’t actually finish a single one of any of those things in a day’s time, you can actually lose weight eating them.} But then my heart healed from the devastation and along with it – my appetite healed. Very, very well.

{This was my before pic.}

{And this was at the end of the drama.}

And Ryan and I really enjoy food. We enjoy cooking it, we enjoy eating it, and all the while, I had begun to tell myself I was a bad person for eating because I would undo all the weight loss.

I didn’t want to start weighing food. Or counting points. Or calories. I wanted to eat real food. And Katie makes that possible.

Know what I love? Her recipes have REAL INGREDIENTS. Real veggies, real meat, real dairy products. So far the only thing she’s called for that I didn’t have – was protein powder. Her recipes are filling, flavorful, and most refreshing: normal. Ryan and I try to make 1-2 of them each week as we learn what we love most. We still eat out. We still have strawberry shortcakes and Starbucks runs. And in all our eating out and fun date excursions, I try to make healthy choices. But I love the freedom in knowing I can still cook – and cook fun, normal food, when I cook from Katie’s site.

She has exercise programs too – for treadmills and ellipticals, and I’m excited about that too because we just got an elliptical a few weeks ago!

AND – because no, I’m not done! – she has devotionals and encouraging blog posts that help me remember the whole worth thing comes from the Lord, not from my jeans size.

AND…oh yes, there’s more! – this site is affordable. Several of her recipes and workouts are just there for you to see. Some are member-only, but a membership only costs $5 a month. And if you can’t pay that much, she lets you pay what you can afford. I think that’s amazing. And it made it safe for me to try it – and have hope that as I could have fun while keeping weight off.

We interviewed Katie on Mid-Morning last month. I was SO BUMMED that I didn’t get to talk to her. She was scheduled to chat with me but that was the day I was snowed in at home, so Lynne talked to her instead and it was a great interview. You can catch it here.

So all of this to say – I’m a big fan of Katie Farrell and Dashing Dish. I love the ministry component, I love her heart, and I love it that she’s so SWEET. I really wish she lived next door and we could drink protein shakes while working out. Okay maybe before or after the workout. And because I love her so much, I wanted to introduce her to YOU so you can love her too!

Wrong Turns and Worth

Right after Easter, I shared my latest SSMT verse and in the comments, an anonymous friend wrote, 
"Just wish I had some blueprints. Totally don't get why my life is the way it is. I feel I must have taken a wrong turn somewhere just don't know where." 

I stared at those words for a while before responding, completely unsure I had the right answer. After praying about it...I concluded these two possibilities:


* Either he/she did NOT make a wrong turn and Satan was having a full-on party casting doubt and insecurity on the situation or....

* He/she DID make a wrong turn, but praise the Lord, nothing is beyond the Lord's ability to redeem.

I don't know who Anonymous is and I don't know the situation, but I bet someone else out there feels the same way. And so have I, on more than one occasion.

* I remember wondering if I made a wrong turn when I pursued a writing major. Was I not marketable enough? Should I have chosen something else? Gone somewhere else to school? Somewhere that would have allowed me to leave debt free?

* Did I make a wrong turn when I bought this house? Could I have already been in Fort Wayne and done with commuting if I didn't have a house to sell?

* Did I make a wrong turn by self-publishing my book instead of waiting for a traditional publishing offer to come my way?

* Did I make a wrong turn by entering into a relationship with Isaac, back in the day?

My life would no doubt look completely different if I'd made a different turn at any of those junctures. But this I know:

* When I was hired for my producer job at WBCL, my writing experience was huge in making me qualified for the position. And the skills I'd learned while working in Financial Aid served me just as well - and I wouldn't have had that job if I'd not attended IWU.

* If I'd moved to Fort Wayne immediately after getting my job, I never would have dated Ryan. And I wouldn't have this wonderful husband today.

* I got my interview on Mid-Morning because I'd published a book. And because I was a guest on the show, I found out about a job opening.

* If I hadn't dated Isaac, I wouldn't be the person I am today. The brokenness led to wholeness.

Wrong turns aren't beyond God's ability to redeem if surrendered to Him. And what might seem a wrong turn might actually be the perfect turn...if you wait to see.

So, dear Anonymous friend, seek the Lord. He'll be faithful to guide you in affirming you didn't make a wrong turn after all...or back onto the right path if you did.

And in slightly related news...after yesterday's blog post, I've decided to make the next few weeks a little series called "Worth it Wednesdays." You all are hurting in some of the same ways I have been - and there's no reason we shouldn't walk together. So if you are struggling with self-worth, come visit here on Wednesdays. We'll work together to learn to see ourselves the way God sees us.

So Here's What's Happening in My Heart

Y'all, I am unbelievably happy. When I think back to where I was one year ago today...I'm blown away at what God has done in my heart and my life. I love waking up to hugs and kisses. I love coffee brought to me in bed. I love having someone to cook with and/or for every night. I love dates every week. I love seeing pictures on our walls that represent our budding life together {though my mother thinks we have entirely too many pictures of ourselves in our house}. I love being a passenger in the car. I love having someone to plan for and spoil.

I love married life.

I love being loved.

I love that look in his eyes when he sees me and I know he's crazy about me.

I love finding notes in my lunch box that tell me how much he loves life with me.

I love knowing this really is forever.

And sometimes I hate myself.

I can't pass a mirror without turning sideways and surveying the damage.

Sometimes even while Ryan is whispering in my ear that he loves me, Satan is screaming in my other ear that I'm ugly and worthless.

And man, is he LOUD.

And on those days, I sit and tell myself I'm not good enough. Not for Ryan, not for my job, not for anyone or anything.

Yesterday morning, the alarm blared its annoying beeps and I smacked it before rolling over into Ryan's arms. As my eyes struggled to open and comprehend the day, I remembered the night before. The night when Satan screamed my worthlessness over...and over...and over. And I said out loud {not even sure Ryan was awake to hear}..."Will I ever be better?"

And he said, If you choose to be.

I said, "Will I ever love the girl I am?"

He said, There's nothing not to love.

There's

Nothing

Not

To

Love.

So yesterday I pondered it. And here's what I came up with. God has been too good to me, and life is too wonderful to not love it.

I choose to desire love. Not for Ryan. Loving Ryan is easy. I choose to love me.

I wonder...are you in a season of self-loathing, too? What if you came with me on this journey? What if you chose to love you?

Talking Without Talking

During our worship service a few weeks ago, Sara used the phrase "talking without talking." It's something a teacher she works with taught to her kindergartners. It's when actions speak louder than words...but we've heard that phrase until it means nothing anymore. Talking without talking strikes me.

I do most of my talking without talking from behind the wheel, though truth be told, I'm usually talking. They just can't hear me.

I've noticed lately that merging onto the interstate in the evening as I head home...is the worst moment. For some reason, it's in that moment that the drivers already sailing down the road at 70 (or more) miles an hour have not read the same driving manual I've read. Their manual doesn't say "get over to let drivers enter the roadway - if you have room to get over." Their manual says "stay put and make the entering driver slam to a crawl right before getting onto the road." Astounding, really, how many people do that. They have plenty of room to get over. No one around. They just choose not to move.

One night in particular, I was having a rough night in my heart and mind. My heart was breaking for someone I loved, and quite frankly nothing else mattered to me in that moment. As usual, I was cut off entering the roadway, causing me to {possibly} slam my hand down on the steering wheel and yell, "SERIOUSLY??????????" And not two minutes later, a car cut me off as I was changing lanes.

Bad move. Brought on some talking without talking.

A bit later, I was in the slow lane, sobbing, not because of stupid drivers, but because of the hurt in my heart. My tear-filled eyes were masked by my gigantic aviator sunglasses, and I saw "the car" begin to start around me.

While I have been known, in my day, to do the "hard stare" at an annoying driver, this time I pursed my lips into a full-on angry pout and made sure my displeasure was unmistakable on my face as I took all attention off the roadway and stared out the side window at Drivey McDriverson.

And wouldn't you know, she had a passenger. A passenger who was brightly smiling a full teeth smile at me - and I had no idea if it was meant to brighten the spirits of the "poor driver who is obviously not having a good day" or if it was meant to be her own version of "Ha ha! SUCKER!!!!!"

Either way, her talking without talking did nothing to soothe my talking without talking. I glared, she smiled, and our cars parted ways at 70 miles an hour.

I can't forget that day. I wonder about Little Miss Smiley. I wondered if she really was trying to make my day better and had no idea that her over-zealous attempt to smile-me-happy really made me cry harder or if we were both just rude in opposite ways.

But this I know. We talk without talking all the time. We send looks and glares and smiles and all these body language signals...and sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't.

And sometimes {as in the case of driving} non-verbals are all we have. But most of the time, that's not the case. Most of the time we could stop sending signals and actually use words.

What if we did that? What if we talked by talking? With much love and compassion?

What if we did?