A God Day

I've had people ask me how I hear God. How I know it's His Voice. I know they ask because they want to know how to be certain they're hearing it too, so I always feel bad when my answer is I just know.

It's a hard thing to explain because it's something my heart has learned through experience.

I do like to tell this story, though, when people ask that question. During the desert, there was a morning when I awakened after a less-than-desirable night of sleep, and as I drifted in and out, I prayed about the ache of my heart, and God said to me I am sovereign. I told Mom about it later and she asked me how I knew it was God. Without hesitating, I replied, "I never would have thought of the word sovereign on my own before 7 in the morning - especially without coffee." I think that's one of the reasons I always hear God best as I either first awaken or am about to drift off to sleep. My own thoughts are silent and His Voice can be the loudest - even if He's whispering.

This past Saturday, I didn't have any concrete plans except my weekly phone Bible study with Olivia, and that was in the afternoon, so I was free to take it easy. I skipped the alarm entirely and slept until I stretched awake (with some help from the house under Saturday morning construction across the street...) and much to my delight, I saw sunlight crowding through the cracks in the blinds.

I scooted around in bed and began to pull forth the words to my morning prayer: What do You want from me today? How can I love You today? How can I live to the fullest today?

The answer? Spend the day with Me.

I peeked one eye open. What?

Spend the day with me. Get up...get your coffee...have your devotions...go to the bank (yes, you have to get up and go to the bank), get ready, talk with Olivia, and then write. Research. Be here with me. Go to the grocery store, cook some dinner...scrapbook if you want...but just spend the day with Me.

Can I tell you the absolute joy of being invited to spend the day with God? To know that while there were chores to do...laundry and dishes and grocery shopping and such...they could be done as part of a day spent with the Lord?

When I was in my first relationship, years ago, we didn't really do a lot of things. We rarely planned events to attend. In fact, I can probably count on one hand the number of "dates" we had. But we spent hundreds of hours together at home. Now granted, in some ways that relationship was its own brand of not-quite-right and we should have done more to cultivate it, but I learned from it that I really loved just spending life-time with someone. It was okay if we were home cleaning and changing the oil (okay that part was all him, but I sat on the curb while he did it!) and putting together furniture and watching TV and cooking dinner. I liked just being together even if we didn't have an agenda.

And that was my Saturday. Lazy by some standards. Nothing "special." Nothing grand. But a day spent alone living life with Abba. And that was beautiful.

It's the Weekly Recap!

* Last Sunday I was forced to do the last minute cleaning before the house showing on Monday. (There comes a point when you run out of time to even procrastinate!) The house looks amazing, but I hope I find all my hiding places for paperwork and other nonsense I didn't have time to properly deal with! I won't tell you what I hid - or where; you'll think less of me.

* Monday morning I drove to work IN DAYLIGHT!! Seriously when did that happen? Last week it wasn't light until I was almost to work! I was panicked that I was late, but no - it was really just brilliant outside!

After work, I went to the Y again to try to get the membership thing figured out. I did...and halfway through my walk/run I heard my name being paged! Talk about being freaked out! Turns out they'd typed my name in the system incorrectly and needed my card to fix it. LOL!!

* Tuesday was, of course, Valentine's Day, and I have to say, in the grand scale of Valentine's Days gone by, this was one of my least cried-over. That day always hurts (because I have never once been in a relationship on Valentine's Day, so it has always been lost to me) but God was very gracious. I tried to soak up the joy of sharing with others, and my dear, wonderful Lynne brought me flowers. (I had been bracing myself for days leading up to this to NOT have flowers and to make myself be okay with that, and then...surprise!!!)
* Wednesday night I went to the gym, and then...oh, be still my beating heart: Hobby Lobby. I needed to pick up a few things...and I thought, you know, as long as I was there...I should probably just wander (every) aisle to make sure everything was in order. It was. Then I made my St. Joseph Statue purchase...but you already read about that.
* Thursday evening, Bekah's B&B was open for business! The lovely Julie Crandall came for dinner (where she willingly agreed to be my guinea pig for my first ever Parmesan chicken attempt) and then we sat around catching up on life and eating almost caramel surprise brownies. With whipped cream. :) And since she's having a baby in a few weeks, I figured it wasn't nice to make her sleep on the air mattress, so I gave her my bed and I got to do one of my favorite things: living room slumber party!!!

* Friday morning I posted on Twitter "Lesson learned today: adding product doesn't fix bad hair. It only makes me a bigger fire hazard with bad hair." And so my day began. LOL. The day wasn't a total loss - especially when at the end of it, I got to run outside and it was GORGEOUS. And surely wearing 14 shirts to keep warm adds enough weight to count as weight training...right???

* Saturday I had a beautiful day at home. Got an entire scrapbook done! Granted it's an itty bitty one, but it's still DONE!!! Did some reading...some journaling...some napping...some grocery shopping. Loved it.

One Thousand Gifts. There were so many this week but most of my favorites had to do with weather. We had everything this week. Fog, rain, snow, ice, sun, warmth. WELCOME TO INDIANA. This was one of my favorite pictures that made it into the 1000 Gifts list: raindrops clinging to branches:
Organization confessions: FAIL FAIL FAIL on the calendar. But I did a good job (for the most part) of keeping the house clean post-showing!

Pinterest Inspiration: This week it came in the form of my Valentines! I saw this on Pinterest:

Source: familyfun.go.com via Rebekah on Pinterest

...And I altered it slightly to make my own version!

Pretty happy with it! :)

Wild Intimacy

Yeah I thought that title would get your attention!

I wasn't sure what to write about today, and God sort of nudged me and said, Seriously? You've written something like 458 pages in your journal during this 30 day journey and you have NOTHING TO SAY ON YOUR BLOG???

Duly noted.

Perhaps I should share something I've learned?

As I pray each day, one of my prayers is how can I embrace life to the fullest today? And He rarely answers that question the same way twice. One day the answer was write. One day it was enjoy the evening with your friends. One day it was rest. And sometimes, in the middle of something I didn't even know was going to happen, He whispers, Drink this up, Baby Girl. This is from me. Love it.

I read a couple of quotes this week that resonated with me where this full living is concerned.

The first one I read over on Courtney Walsh's blog: "What kind of cardboard characters would any of us be if we didn't have challenges, struggles, things to fight for?" The easy life feels appealing but oh goodness, where is the actual fun in that? Would I want to read a novel with NO suspense? NO conflict? Nothing but perfectly scripted Pleasantville sorts of days? No way! Those are the things that draw me in and keep me turning pages and cheering for characters...

...and so it is with my life.

Then this quote, which I read in Steven James (amazing, in my opinion) book Flirting With the Forbidden: "Christianity is wild. It's intimate. It's heartbreaking and soul-mending. It's the wings to rise above the everyday and the hope of a honeymoon with the God who has loved you forever."

It so is.
These days with the Lord are pure adventure. I have no idea what's coming next. I have no concept of how He'll redeem what's been broken. I don't know how He'll answer the deepest longings. I don't know the surprises He'll throw in because He loves the look of utter delight on my face. I don't know the gut-wrenching setbacks that will hurl me into His lap where He will hold me and cry with me.

It is wild intimacy.

That, in turn, reminded me of this little comedy sketch Mark Lowry did back when he was more like my age. I watched it for the first time in years and discovered I can, in fact, still quote it.

Life...more abundant.

Adventures with St. Joseph

I almost didn't write this post because I feared (even one) lecture-filled email about this adventure. So I'll start by saying please don't write me a lecture-filled email. Please understand that this was just an escapade. I PROMISE.

And if you don't believe me, hear this: I told my mother about it. If it was mom-story-worthy, you can know it really was meant all in good measure.

In this quest to sell my house, I've had several (yes, SEVERAL!) people ask me if I've buried a statue of St. Joseph in my yard. The first few who asked received blank stares. So finally, I googled the thing. Here's the full story, but the bottom line is that if you bury a statue of St. Joseph in your yard, your house is supposed to sell.

My own mother has asked me several times if I've purchased Mr. St. Joseph (are you allowed to double title?) and I always roll my eyes and offer my exasperated Mommmmmmmmmm.

This week I made a little trip over to the (sigh of joy) Hobby Lobby in Fort Wayne, to pick up some supplies for an upcoming Pinterest project, and guess what just happens to be a few doors down? A huge Christian bookstore. So I scootchy-scooed over there and found my way to the gift section to see if they had a spare Joseph for sale. They did. They had about 15 of him, actually. Must be a lotta people trying to sell houses in the greater Fort Wayne area.

So I made my way to checkout, inwardly begging the cashier not to ask if I was going to have a burial party when I got home. (She didn't.)

Here he is:

Kinda scary looking, isn't he?

Anyway. So I got out the instructions and wrapped him in a baggie so he'd be all nice and clean. I headed to the garage for the garden trowel, and y'all - I can't find it. It's buried somewhere in all the boxes I have for someday-packing.

So I grabbed the huge spade, took my Joe-in-plastic into the yard (where it was both dark and raining) and started digging.

Oh my word. Am I on the set of Desperate Housewives? Just in case, I cast some furtive glances over my shoulder.

I dutifully buried him upside down, facing the house, covered the evidence and returned the spade to its rightful place.

Then I came inside and just laughed at myself. (I skipped the prayer. Jesus has heard my house prayers and I'll leave those with Him.)

For the record, here are my two favorite parts of the instructions: "For those with no yard space, use a large flowerpot." LOL - good to know provision is made.

And this: "If you are praying to Saint Joseph for matters not related to real estate, you may find another prayer better suited." - That was found under "tips and warnings." I am duly warned.

This concludes tales from Desperate Bekahland. (Insert ominous music here.)

Combining the Passions

I love to send cards.

Back in high school, when I fell in love with stamping, I started making my own cards - for everything. Christmas, birthdays, anniversaries, sympathy, thinking-of-you...all of it.

Thanks for fixing my flat tire. Thanks for giving me a loan for my car. (And don't you think for one minute I'm kidding about either one of those. I'm not.)

This past summer, shortly after putting my house on the market, I began to pack. It was a short-lived adventure: all of one weekend. I packed up my craft closet, mostly so I could clean it out, get rid of things I no longer want or use, and put all that stuff in my yard sale.

Check.

And now the craft closet sits, packed so neatly, and the house is still on the market. And you know the crazy thing? People go right on having birthdays even though I don't have the means to send them a handmade card anymore!

It's been very strange to start shopping in the card aisle again, but I do it.

And then while making my Valentine cards on Shutterfly...I discovered this!

3x5 Folded Card

View the entire collection of cards.

My stamps may be packed, but my camera is not. And you know how I love to take pictures of pretty stuff.


This is a picture I took of the ocean when I visited Lynnette and Mark out in Virginia Beach a couple of summers ago. While I was sitting on the beach that day, I pondered the words of the hymn The Love of God. This one particular verse hit me:


Could we with ink the ocean fill
And were the skies of parchment made
Were every stalk on earth a quill
And every man a scribe by trade
To write the love of God above
Would drain the ocean dry
Nor could the scroll contain the whole
Though stretched from sky to sky.


I added those words to the picture and had a 16x20 print made, which now hangs over my bed.


And since all that work was already done, I just uploaded it to Shutterfly and now I have a set of notecards that are still totally Bekah. Not stamped, but still mine!


I sense more photo cards in my future...

The Thing About Mailboxes

I cannot believe I'm actually making an entire blog post about this. Good grief.

For me, part of the house hunting adventure brings out THE most random ideas and dreams. I'll think about something for a while and then think, well that was an hour of my life I'll never get back!

But I figure I could be doing worse things with my time, so why worry about that?

So today, I tell you about the mailboxes.

When I was a kid, I lived in the country. My parents have a couple of acres and our mailbox sat across the road from our driveway.

You may or may not know that my dad has had a radio program for the last 45 years. (Apple doesn't fall far from the tree, does it?) Back in those days (and WOW is this going to make me feel old), he sent out the program on reel to reel tapes. Do you even know what those look like?

He mailed them out to the radio stations that carried his program, and after they aired them, they'd mail them back. Each mailer contained 2 reels and the boxes were about 8 inches square and 2 inches thick.

As you might imagine, we needed a BIG mailbox.

Getting the mail often fell under the jurisdiction of my chores, so I'd walk alllllllll the way down the driveway (not as long as it sounds, but remember, I was a fat kid) and pile as many of those boxes into my arms as I could. Sometimes they piled so high, I could barely peer over the top to get them back in the house. (And we lived on a fairly busy highway, so that was fun.)

And on the days it rained, I was at the mercy of one of these:I would rest it on top of my head so I could still use both hands to carry tapes - and I could still see out. Brilliant.


Needless to say, when I moved out on my own, one of my favorite things about my house was the presence of one of THESE bad boys:
I could get my mail in my bathrobe if I wanted, because the only thing involved was opening the front door and peering out about two inches. I didn't have to put on boots in the winter. I didn't have to shovel a path. I didn't have to find an umbrella in the rain. Open door, retrieve mail.

I was in love.

So imagine my surprise when, the other day, I scoured the birds-eye-view map of a property I think I might love, and I noticed the mailbox was a good old-fashioned, by-the-road mailbox. And rather than a flood of memories of shoveling to get to the box...retrieving mail in the rain...getting dressed just to pick up the bills...I was actually excited.

Are you kidding me?

The thing is...mailboxes have come a long way since the days when the fat kid wore an umbrella on her head to pick up a pile of boxes.

They are now pieces of art waiting to happen: I can plant flowers at my mailbox!

Never mind that I have NO green thumb and flowers normally perish (painfully, I might add) under my not-so-watchful eye.

I can plant flowers at my mailbox!

So that's my new house ponderment for today. Please don't tell me I need a life. I know.

Showing Some Love

Happy Valentine's Day, my blogging buddies! Whether you love this day or can't wait for it to be over, I want you to know that I love it that you share life with me. And I hope you feel a little bit more loved when you leave here today!

Each year I approach Valentine's Day a little differently. This year I have been preoccupied with my 30 day journey and work and house stuff...so I took the easy route.

I work with some of the greatest girls. I really do. They listen to endless stories and give hugs and check on me - even off the clock. I'm pretty blessed to have such fun people to share with each day. So as a very VERY small token of my gratitude (and with the nudge of your BFF and mine, Pinterest)...

I picked these up at the store. (I paid for them, too.)
This was the "cooking" portion of the event. Stirring together the flavors. HEY. Stop judging me. It required a bowl and a spoon. Therefore it was cooking.

OOH! And a measuring cup too! I scooped the Teddy Grahams into the little Valentine bags.

(With a little bit of nourishment for the artist. But I digress.)

The little baggies of bears. (The store only had one kind of bag, so I chose it by default, and when I got home, I realized it had junior high text speak on it: URCool, etc. Grrrrrreeat.)

Perfect little portions for a snack.

I also had these cards made on Shutterfly. This is the whole card:

The message. It's still a little small in the picture, but it says "Thanks for loving me! Hope this day is filled with many hugs from God...I asked Him to send them your way! Much love to you, Bekah."

Rather than using a picture of me (because I doubt the work girls really want that) I used this picture I took in a B&B I stayed in a couple of years ago. (I happened to stay in the honeymoon suite. LOL.) I changed the picture into black and white because the colors clashed with the card.

The completed gift.

Get it? "Beary glad?"

I'm beary glad you're part of my blog....HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU!!!!

Lessons in Timing

Y'all, I wish learning the lessons God has for me burned calories. I really do. Do you have ANY idea how skinny I'd be right now?

In the meantime, allow me to share something I'm learning.

In this whole 30 day adventure of taking things one minute at a time, God and I had a conversation (well I was attempting to make it an argument, but it was a conversation) about my need to plan and know and control....and His desire for me to open my grubby fist and let Him do things His way in His time.

Gulp.

He gave me this example, which was a good one. (Hello! He's God. He's good with the examples.)

Not even a year ago, I was sitting at my desk in Financial Aid, wishing for a new place to work. And then Jamie said she was leaving her job. And I had a fleeting thought...what if I could do her job? I whispered to the Lord, If this is of You...You bring it to someone else's mind.

And in an unprecedented Bekah move, I left it at that. I wrote it down and walked forward day by day through my life, sometimes thinking over it but never once obsessing, never once worrying, never once doing a thing to manipulate the outcome. Several weeks went by and I thought it was done. Not a word had been spoken.

Then came the night when I opened my email and found the uber-long message from Jamie encouraging me to apply for this job that she felt (from the Lord's nudging) would be perfect for me. In a whirlwind one-night flurry, I updated my resume and sent it in, saying Lord, if this is of You - You make it happen. I went in for an interview and thought that was the end of it. And when I about gave up on it...I was called for a second interview.

On the way up I said, If this is of You...You make it financially possible. I walked in fully expecting I'd have to walk out without a job - and a mere ten minutes later, the job was mine and it was financially possible.

And in that three month stretch, do you know how much time I spent worrying about it? Ummmm about one evening. The night before the second interview. And that was really more nerves than worry, honestly.

God said, You did that and it worked. Why can you not live every minute of your life that way?

Good point!

Friday night I hunkered down to write and ended up being engrossed in the chapter until 1:15 in the morning. Right before I called it quits, I (of course!) spent "just a minute" on Pinterest. I was perusing my good friend Jodi's board of quotes and saw this one:

Source: tissosweetcandy.blogspot.com via Jodi on Pinterest

Earlier in the evening I'd been wrestling with trusting God again, so this was a good reminder.

I gathered up my things and headed for bed and as I did so, I passed the window that overlooks the backyard.

I did a double-take.

Ummm - when did the tree disappear?

Remember this? The night the neighbor's tree fell in my yard? SIX MONTHS AGO??

Dad and his friends cleaned up all of the tree guts that were in my yard but the trunk of it still rested on my fence and we've not been able to repair the few broken boards because of it. The home owner never comes to the house, so I had no idea if he even knew the tree was down. I tried not to think of the eyesore of a tree stump as I looked ahead to today when the house is being shown twice. I told God it was up to Him. Either the people coming to see it would overlook it or something....

...but sometime on Friday the owner apparently showed up and cut down the whole tree. It's in tiny pieces in his yard. All of it. He even took the pieces that were wedged into my yard. Other than the missing fence boards which yet need to be re-installed, you can't even tell I had any damage from that monstrosity of a mess.

I am grateful. I was tired of looking at it. But more than that, God said See? I know the showings are Monday. And while you don't know the outcome, I do. You've not worried about the tree. You've not made a hassle of tracking down and arguing with the owner. The time came. The tree is cleaned up.

Now can you please trust Me for the rest?

It's the Weekly Recap!

* Last Sunday was, of course, Super Bowl Sunday! In the afternoon, I made some Spiral Stuffed Rolls, a recipe I got from Diary of a Recipe Addict. I will probably make them for my own list sometime, but in the meantime, there's how you can make it yourself! You already saw the Super Bowl recap, but let me just say again I love my friends who still welcome me in even though I hardly see them anymore!
* Monday afternoon was SO gorgeous that I ran outside again. Who would have thought this would be my February life!?!? Then I hunkered down to watch The Voice...because I love that show! And my favorite thing...look what Picaboo delivered to my doorstep!! I've had this book done since last summer but I had to wait for a sale to order it. It did not disappoint.

* Tuesday morning, Lynne arrived at work and informed me we were going to have a full studio of guests. That had never happened since I started working at the station! So I learned to install the mics and we had assigned seating and I used every single slider on the board for the first time in my (granted very short) radio career. It went well but I was one nervous girl for the first half of the show!
* Wednesday morning I had one slickery commute. I'd heard rumor we might get some snow but it was nothing more than a heavy dusting...but the roads were SLICK. I was thankful to arrive in one piece! I helped Lynne host the Spots and Spotlights show (and did NOT add to my blooper reel) and that evening, spent some serious time working through some things with the Lord. Nothing bad...just much needed.

* Thursday morning I walked in the door to my office and found an iced tea awaiting me. (Just as coffee is required to make me functional prior to lunch, tea is required to keep me activated until the commute home has ended.) What a fun surprise to find on my desk! Thanks, Amy! And speaking of my desk...it got a new adornment. Gary from my parents' church read my blog post about the impossibility of finding anything personalized with Rebekah, and he made this for my desk. Thank you, Gary!

* Friday evening, I sat down to write again. This chapter I'm trying to write...well...you want to know how long I've been working on it? TWO YEARS. I couldn't get through it. I believe God was/is trying to teach ME something through it and this lesson has been taking a while to unfold...but I also believe I'm on the brink of unearthing it. Once I got going on the writing, I wrote until 1:15 in the morning and had no idea it was that late!

* Saturday morning I had a hot date with the tire store to get a full set of new tires. Oh my word. There went my retirement!!! WOWZA those suckers are expensive. While they were taking care of that for me, I went next door for some coffee with my new (as in I met her for the first time that day) friend Claire. Her mom and I have gotten to know each other through the blog and email and she came to meet me for coffee! How fun!

One Thousand Gifts - One morning this week I awakened with some unrest in my heart and before I could even become coherent enough to pray, the song Peace Be Still came on the radio. I rolled over and smiled...how good of God to bring exactly what I need while I was yet too tired to pray!

Pinterest Inspiration - Well, my friends, it was a Pinterest FAIL this week. I wanted to make a cheesecake for my friend Cindy, so I found this one on Pinterest and thought it looked like a scrumptious winner:

Source: homeiswheretheholmansare.blogspot.com via Rebekah on Pinterest

When I got ready to make it, I realized the recipe was for a 10 inch pan and mine wasn't that big. Worried that it would be a disaster, I decided to use the "classic cheesecake" recipe included in the box with the pan. Then I planned to make the praline topping. So I did...and burned that bad boy to one reeking mess. So I took the classic cheesecake, sprinkled some chopped pecans on top and took it to work. So...Pinterest inspired me and from there...it had nothing to do with Pinterest.
Organization Confession: Well the house is being shown tomorrow, so I was more focused on massive cleaning than keeping up with organization. But I am still throwing stuff away at a rapid pace and am almost caught up on the calendar!

My New Challenge: Update

I told you a few days ago that God has called me to a journey for the month of February.

It's a journey that changes the way I think about each moment of each day.

And I gotta tell you - it's completely overwhelming in the most amazing of ways.

To write it all out would take far too much space, so let me give you some bullet points of how God has met me thus far in this journey.

* I'd never been a Twitter sort of girl until I started my job at WBCL. I tweet for Mid-Morning, which led me to starting my own Twitter account, just so I could get some practice. Between the people Mid-Morning follows on Twitter and the people I follow on Twitter, I pull out my journal (literally) dozens of times each day to write down a quote or a verse someone has posted that meets me...speaks to me...spurs me on...challenges me.

* One day (did you get that? One day!) after beginning this challenge, one of the guys at work, who had absolutely no clue about what God was doing in me, strolled into my office and said to me, "I'm not sure what's going on, but you seem so different today from the past several days. Your countenance is different." If you watched the itty bitty video clip in my initial blog post, you might remember that countenance was the very word I'd used...in hoping to see a change.

* One week after beginning the challenge, another guy at work, who also had no idea what was going on, came in my office, sat down, and said, "You are different, and I can tell you exactly when it happened." And he did.

* During my weekly phone Bible study with Olivia, she said to me, "Bekah, I can hear it in your voice. Your words are the same but your tone is so changed." (I was speaking of my heart hurt but I no longer spoke in despair and through tears, but rather with great and genuine hope.)

*One afternoon at work, the hurt pressed in deeply, so I set aside my work for a moment, pulled my journal out from under my desk and wrote "My heart hurts...not understanding...I offer this to You as a sacrifice...please hold my heart and help me to understand how to look no further than this moment - What do You want from me right now? How can I rest in You right now? How can I live to the fullest right now? Take me into Your lap...hold me in my hurt." I put away the journal and went back to work. Just moments later, these quotes scrolled through the Twitter feed over to my right: "The power to do whatever God has called you to do is already in you." (Jennifer Rothschild) / "My soul's horizon reports, like Elijah's servant - there's nothing. Every door of opportunity seems closed. Keep me unhurried." (Oswald Chambers) / "Anyone can offer the leftovers. Only those who love God more than anything else will serve up the very best for Him." (Joe Stowell). Hmmmm...sacrified...holding...His calling...you can't tell me He wasn't there.

* I'm not perfect at it. Just yesterday I had SUCH a struggle that I'm embarrassed to even tell you some of the conversations I had with God. It was not easy but I was determined to NOT give up even if I messed EVERYTHING up and had to start over completely.

* And I leave you with this. The morning after God issued the challenge, He brought this song to my mind. Hadn't thought of it in forever. This is some vintage Point of Grace. He's made this something of a theme for me in this season.

House and Home

Most of you know that my house has been on the market since last June. (I know...mine and everyone else's in greater North America, right?) I determined when I let the realtor put a For Sale sign in my yard that she might be the tour-giver and detail-overseer, but the real realtor is the good Lord. He knows the right buyer for this house and He (apparently ALONE) knows the right time for it to sell.

I had rather hoped to avoid long drives on icy roads, overnight stays at friends' houses and hotels, tires worn bald, and frequent dates with the gas pump. But, as my 2012 verse states, His ways are not mine...so I have driven on ice, stayed at friends' houses and in hotels, worn my tires bald, and (in my humble opinion) been the best girlfriend a gas pump could ever hope to have.

My house is being shown twice on Monday and I have absolutely no emotion about it. While it's not exactly been a high-traffic show home, I've gotten used to cleaning for a showing and then going back to life as normal. They are the periodic kick in the hiney to give the house a good polish - and then to keep it a while longer. I've prayed about the showing and know that if either of these mysterious people who walk through the front door are the right ones, it will sell. And if they are not...I'll continue to live the commuter life and wait. I'm okay with it either way.

Having said that, God has been stirring my heart a bit about saying goodbye to this house. About reliving a decade's worth of memories that have come and gone within these walls. About being ready to pack the props of furniture and accessories that have adorned life here and situate them within new walls to adorn a new life.

The prospect of picking out new walls to call mine has been a huge task. I've toured more than a handful of homes and have easily imagined life in some while walking quickly out of others. The last few days I've toggled between two screens of pictures of two different homes, closing my eyes and trying to imagine if either of them is my new home.

Home.

I remember the day in March 2010 when I walked in the back door of this house, dragging a suitcase behind me, and knew it was no longer home. I'd spent the weekend visiting Isaac at his brother's home and we'd planned our life together. On a Saturday night, in a CVS parking lot, I sobbed on his shirt and said goodbye and cried all the way home, feeling as though my family had just driven away in the opposite direction.

And when I walked in this house that had been my home two days prior, it was nothing but a house. I called Ronda and said, "For the first time since I've been out on my own, I'm in my own house and it isn't home. It's not home because he's not here and home is where he is."

God has graciously (and painstakingly slowly) healed my heart from home being the place that holds Isaac. But even after that healing took place, this wasn't home. It was still a house - with memories of a time it was home - and the dream of a new place, a mysterious place still, that will be home.

So I'm ready. I've begun to say goodbye and God knows how long that process needs to take for my heart. He knows what four-walled structure out there somewhere will not only be the house that fits the blend of furniture I own, but the haven that will be a home.

268 Gifts

Last month I gave you a peek at some of the things on my list of 1000 gifts for 2012. I was up to 72 at that time. I've reached the 268 mark and thought I would let you peek at a few more.

80. One single deer in a snow-covered clearing.

89. Begrudging praise turned authentic.

102. Fat, feathery birds in the snow.

121. Days lived one breath at a time.

135. Awakening to the view of a lighted church steeple.


151. The darling dog, Silas, that visited SHARE.
170. Strength to carry heavy suitcases down two flights of stairs.

184. Snow-globe-esque showers outside my window.

206. Bonnie Gray's blog post about being "pregnant with a promise."

215. Lungs burning with cold air.

228. Dancing with Julia.

245. Hug from my former boss and dear friend, Lois.

258. Liam's one-liners.

268. Gray mornings - "the colors of the sea." (This will only mean something to you if you have watched Sarah, Plain and Tall.)

...Thankful...

Because Sometimes Life Stops

One of my good friends from church experienced a devastating loss in her family this past week. Her granddaughter died in a car accident...she was twenty-one.

I'll leave it at that, because it's not my family and not my story to tell, but I'll say that while no death is ever a good thing to hear about, this one was particularly gut-wrenching. My heart has been aching for the whole family, even though I don't know any of them (other than Pat) at all.

Sunday I sat two pews behind her, and right beside her sat her granddaughter's fiance and their seven month old daughter. She peeked over her dad's shoulder and her absolutely gorgeous eyes caught my yellow bulletin waving back and forth (because yes, I was having a heat stroke in February). She flashed a slobbery smile at me and gripped her chubby hand on his arm.

Church went on as it always does, and while we did stop to acknowledge the painful loss and to pray for the family, we sang songs and took up an offering and the microphone was passed around for members of the congregation to share announcements.

I watched the two of them as they alternated between wiping their eyes and handing puffy snacks to the baby, and I wanted to say it for them.

STOP. Just stop this service. Stop singing. Stop making announcements. Stop collecting money. Stop being normal because nothing is normal. I hurt and I need to know people hurt with me. Now. Not after church. Not at the funeral. Now.

...I remember the Sunday after sweet baby Carol died. How could they possibly sing to the beat of a drum when the heart of this baby girl ceased to beat and she hid somewhere in the ground, states away?

...I remember the Sunday after my sister's house and town blew away in a tornado and songs of praise blasted from the front. Why are we daring to enjoy the comforts of padded chairs and air conditioning when they have nothing? Nothing!

...I remember the Sunday(s) after Isaac left, when the sermons talked about trust and hope in God. Where is trust and hope in God when He let the man who said he loved me just walk away?
You ever feel that way? Life has stopped and you are offended that it would dare to go on around you? That others would be so bold as to smile and put gas in their cars and do laundry because everything just needs to STOP until you are okay again - which is likely to be never?

If you're there now...well, I wish I could give you a hug. I'd fix a big pot of coffee (and it's okay if you don't drink coffee - I'll take care of your share and fix you something else instead) and STOP with you.

Because sometimes you just need someone to realize that life needs to stop. That you really can't take another step even if it's good for you. Your world is spinning and you need to stop and find something to hang onto so you can take another step.

If you know someone who is there now...stop. Just stop. Stop with the hurting one and don't do anything except STOP.

And to Pat...if you need someone to STOP with you, I will do it. I'm so sorry your world has stopped. Hugs and many prayers...

My Annual Participation in Football-Mania

It's true. I still don't understand football.

I'm a willing participant if I hang out with people who love the game...I'll watch and cheer (on a delay, because I need the prompting of the others to cheer first) with the best of them. I'll watch for hours. But I don't understand it.

Having said that, I never miss a Super Bowl. I might not know who is playing, their colors, or the name of the coaches, but where there is a group of friends and a table full of food, I'll show up! And so it was that last Sunday night, with good ole Super Bowl XLVI right here in Indiana, I put a tray of appetizers in my car and headed to Chris and Trudy's.

Liam cuddled right up next to me and asked to have his picture taken. (He really had to twist my arm on that one.)
My two favorite Liam-isms of the night were these:

1) Liam: "What's happening on the TV right now?"
Me: "A football game."
(He ponders that answer.)
Me: "If you need more information than that, you might want to ask someone else."

2) (Upon seeing the picture of David Phelps and me on my phone) he said, "Is that your husband?"


The Patriots take the field! (Yes, I was the ONLY Patriots fan at my party. I've promised to be loyal to them in honor of my friend Tim, who lives in New England.)
Savannah watching the game. (Most of the time she and her friend Anna were giggling over a game of Angry Birds.)

I might not understand football, but I understood this! (I have a not-so-secret crush on Blake Shelton. So glad The Voice is back on!)

James...riveted to the game.

Not everyone got to enjoy the game. Some had to hide in the back and finish their homework. :( Bummer.

My mentor, the lovely Lara Jones. I love this girl. She has been such a gift to me!

The pit of people....real estate was at a premium in that room!

Still riveted to the game...

So it was a tough night to be a Patriots fan, but the fellowship and food were fantastic! I was thankful to be included in the party and enjoyed some extra snuggle time with my kiddos!

Public Service Announcements

I warned you.

This blog is random.

And today is the randomest of them all. Including the use of the word randomest. Feel free to use that.

Today I feel compelled to tell you about things that you might not know you need to know. After all, a great number of them, I learned from other blogs. My blogger duty is to pay that information forward. IF this causes you to spend any money you hadn't planned to spend, please blame the original sources and remember I'm merely a messenger. Merely. (That's a fun word. Merely.)

* Did you know Picnik is going bye-bye? Back up. Do you know what Picnik is? It's a photo editing site that offers (in my opinion) an above average amount of free editing tools. You could also purchase a subscription (or membership or whatever it's called) and get even more fun stuff, but for about the last 2 years I've been an editing fool with just the freebies. And then I received an email that in April, it's going the way of all the earth. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Just the other day, I wondered how in the world I'd find a new site that gave me editing options I could figure out. (That last part is the key.) And as if by magic (or perhaps divine intervention) I stumbled upon this blog post which gives an entire host of options to try. I haven't tried them all yet, but if you're a fellow panicking Picniker, check it out! Maybe your new editing BFF is in there.
* Because walls can never have too much art...I was very excited to see this deal featured on The Mom Creative the other day. (The Mom Creative has saved me a LOT of money in the past couple of years. God bless her.) A free photo canvas. (Well, free if you pay shipping and handling. And face it, that's cheaper than moving into the canvas warehouse so you don't have to pay for shipping.) I have decided I want to do a baptism display - with some of the Jordan River water in the little jar we used to pour some over my head...and one of the rocks I handed out to everyone...maybe a framed copy of some of the song lyrics I used...and I think this canvas will complete the display. * Have you seen J.C. Penney's new philosophy on life and shopping? The other day I received this mini catalog book in the mail, so while I sat in the Fazoli's parking lot last week, waiting for Jenny to arrive for dinner, I read it. (I rarely read catalogs, so good job little Penney's marketers, for capturing my attention on that one!) Anyway, one of the month-long deals they're featuring in Feburary: these scoop neck T-shirts for five bucks each. Five bucks! None of my t-shirts fit anymore, and since these would be something I could even wear to work, guess who visited Penney's with her $25.00 gift card?? And for a mere $1.68 in tax, I came home with a full week's worth of shirts. Thankyouverymuch. And if I knew what the colors of my someday-new-house-bathroom would be, I'd have purchased some $4 towels too.

* And about the yogurt. I have always hated yogurt. Not frozen yogurt. Bring THAT on. But I mean the good-for-you stuff. I mentioned to Lynne at the end of last year that one of my goals was to learn to like yogurt because I know it's good for me and I should. (Ick.) So during one of my stays at her house, she made me a yogurt parfait, and I LOVED it. So guess who eats yogurt every day for breakfast now? When I purchased my last tub of yogurt, the checkout guy (who was about 12) held it up after scanning it and said, "You like this?" Sensing the need to win over a young generation of yogurt lovers, I gave him a full sales pitch on how I used to hate it...and now I love it. So in case you're a skeptic, try it Lynne's way. Here you go:

Greek Yogurt (I use plain Chobani Greek Yogurt)

Honey (Since the yogurt is so tart, she adds 1/2 Tablespoon or so of honey and stirs it up)Granola (I use Back to Nature's Vanilla Almond Agave Granola)

Blackberries (Meijer sells some that are huge - I add some sweet n low on top so they're not so tart)

No specific measurements...as much as you'd like of each thing. YUMMY.

And this completes my randomest public service announcements for today.

It's the Weekly Recap!

* Last Sunday I spent the entire day in bed AGAIN. No excuse for being tired on Monday for this girl! :) Rachel came by that afternoon and brought me a chocolate milkshake, and I went out that night looking like the love child of Cruella DeVille and the Beast - all for the love of a sandwich to try to get SOME food in me. At the end of the day, I was feeling well enough to write, which was a huge accomplishment!

* Monday evening I met Jenny for dinner and we ran into Gaytha, who was my boss in the days of finaid! So the three of us camped out at Fazoli's for two hours catching up on each other's lives. I laughed until I cried - had the greatest time with the two of them!

* Tuesday night I went to the YMCA for the first time. When I worked at IWU, I worked out at the gym, but I sort of lost that privilege when I ceased my employment there. :) So now I'm able to work out at the Y in Ft. Wayne. It was my first night to go, and I can't even describe for you how much a situation like that requires every ounce of courage I have within me. To walk into a very public place, all alone, where I know no one and have no idea where anything is...literally makes me panic. And wouldn't you know, when I got there, they had no idea what I was talking about when I said I was supposed to be able to work out there via my work. After talking to three (very nice) employees, I left and made it all the way to my car before a tear escaped. Back to the DVD workout for this girl!

* Or not....on the DVD workout. Since it was practically springtime on the first day of February (Wednesday), I went for a run outside!! It felt SO GOOD. It had been forever since I'd run and I had missed it so. Even though my lungs were burning and I couldn't feel my fingers by the end of it...it was TOTALLY worth it. * Thursday night I had dinner with the Bowman Babes! My friend Rachel and her two kiddos...I hadn't seen them since October. After a full night of playing "Chase me!" and "Dance with me!" and "Read to me!" (all in my high heeled boots, of course) I was ready for a long night of sleep. (Clarification. The kids wanted all those things...not Rachel.) I also have to say I love watching Rachel be a mom. We worked together before she had any kids at all, and watching her transition into being a GREAT mom has been so much fun.

* And as I mentioned yesterday, Friday night I had dinner at Greg and Angi's house, along with Gaytha and Lois, two of the best bosses I've ever had! We sat around for four hours, laughing until we cried, telling stories, catching up, and eating some rockin' pot roast. It was a beautiful Friday night. Loved it. Greg and Angi have a new dog, and I'd not met her yet. But let me tell you. She makes one memorable first impression. I was sitting at the dining room table and she bounded in, jumped up on me, stuck both her paws straight down the front of my shirt and licked my mouth. Well hello little puppy! Nice to meet you too!! I was quickly abandoned in favor of project: dismantle the new toy.

One Thousand Gifts: Oh man. There were so many this week! I guess I'd have to say my favorite was the one I blogged about earlier this week...when God challenged me for the next 30 days to start each day with a surrender prayer (which I have to repeat about 100 times throughout the day). It has been tough and yet AMAZINGLY beautiful. To be given an assignment - even a hard one - is a reminder to me that He is still working. And that is a gift.

Organization Confession: Almost caught up on my calendar, after getting behind between being gone for a week and sick for a weekend! Best accomplishment: cleaning "the junk drawer" in the kitchen. Shudder.

Pinterest Inspired Week: I have been a pinning fool. Here was my actual experiment for the week. It was an eye makeup adventure. I was shooting for this:

Source: blushingbridewedding.tumblr.com via Rebekah on Pinterest

And I got this:


Not really even close. I would like to add that I did not have all the appropriate colors NOR the photographer (and it's really hard to take a picture of yourself with your eyes closed) NOR the photoshop tools to fix what went wrong. Even so, I've learned that it's okay to switch up the eye ensembles. More practice required.