Bits for Sunday, September 21, 2008

Well, I wish I had something pivotal for you today. I even wish I had some of last week’s sarcasm, for that matter. Instead I have a true potpourri of nothing.

I write to you from my perch on the coffee table. Wasn’t I taught to sit on chairs and not on tables, you ask? Why yes, I was. Unfortunately, my desk chair broke yesterday. AGAIN. Remember a year or so ago when I was writing away on the little wooden folding chair? It just collapsed into about five pieces underneath me? It happened again yesterday. I’d replaced the wooden disaster with a little white office chair from the mission. And yesterday I heard a thud…and then the seat began to teeter…and when I stood up, the whole seat fell onto the floor. You know – I’m starting to get a complex! But complex or no, until I get a new chair, I’m pulling up the coffee table and HOPING it holds.

Last Friday (as in a week ago), I came down with fluish symptoms. I cancelled all my weekend plans, ate a lot of chicken noodle soup, and thought I was all better. WRONG!! Thursday I developed the “can’t breathe” beginnings of a cold. Friday was horrible. Aching, chilling, sweating, NOT GOOD. I couldn’t miss work – my single busiest day of the year – so I went and sat in the dark in my office, eating lots of Breezers and praying my way through the rosters I had to complete. And at 3:30, I did the Bekah-unthinkable. I asked to go home. GASP.

After swinging by WalGreens for cold meds and more Breezers, I came home, put on mismatched scrubbies, and sacked out in the fat chair. One of my friends stopped by with something I’d not seen before, but it proved to be one of the best inventions I’ve found lately – Puffs with Vicks. Did you know about those? I’d complained because the tissues I had at home were sub-par. I rarely purchase a box that is not Puffs Plus with Aloe, but the last time I made a purchase, I was cheap. It did not pay to get a cold with cheap tissues. They don’t hold up in the face (ha!) of severe colds. But these not only had staying power – they had healing power. My nose is SO much better today.

I took a break from HGTV to read for a bit. Found this quote that really hit me, and I figure maybe someone else could stand to hear it too. Author Judith Pella said this: “Even side journeys can be important instruments of growth. All the detours I’ve taken have only made my life that much richer with life experiences.” I think it’s a good reminder, given that I have a tendency to look at any deviation from “the plan” as a moment of failure. But then again – is “the plan” mine or God’s?

And finally, in my night of nothingness – I have this to share with you. Two years ago (almost exactly) – I did a 30 day concentration on 1 Corinthians 13. I pulled it back out over the weekend just to see what I’d learned (and learned that I needed to relearn a lot of it). This part struck me, so I share them with you in case it can bring a moment of “hmmm” to your week.

I thought of the father I’d spoken to earlier that day that thanked me profusely before hanging up the phone. Over and over he told me that I’d been so helpful and he so appreciated my time. He understood so much better after talking to me. I could have answered him in my sleep. I’m on auto-pilot when it comes to questions like that. But then I stopped to think about things in life that I know little about. Hadn’t my former roommate come over just the night before to assemble a file cabinet for me because tools and I are not friends? To her it was just a couple hours out of her life to be paid for with a plate of chocolate chip cookies warm out of the oven. To me it was a pile of wood I no longer had to stare at in the corner of my office. A frustration of my limitations no longer in front of me. A stack of file folders that could finally move off my guest room futon and into a permanent home.

I’ll try to get well this week. To not break any more chairs. To have something deep and meaningful for you next week!

Valentine's Day A Day Late

I said I was coming back yesterday for the "official post." Apparently I was just kidding. For as productive as I was on my first day off - I was just as UNproductive on the second. I couldn't get it together! And then I was able to spend the end of the day with my friends Jim and Jaena - who invited me over for a great dinner and cookie baking party. It was a super way to end the day! :) They even got me a rose! Yay!

Anyway - I had planned to post this, so I'll just do it a day late and a dollar short. I wrote this last year, when I really celebrated Valentine's Day to the hilt. I didn't do it up QUITE as much this year, but I still believe in what I wrote last year!

There’s only two days left until Valentines Day! Have you ordered my flowers yet? Just kidding!! Here is something new I learned this year – I truly had no idea before a couple of weeks ago. Almost everyone I know either hates Valentines Day or just doesn’t see the point in it. Now I know that I hated Valentines Day for about the first 25 years of my life. But I thought that all my significant-other-bearing friends would enjoy the “day of love” set apart for them. But I’m learning that people either find it too commercialized, too expensive, or too pointless.

Last Monday night, I shared my opinions of the holiday with my Ladies Bible Study. I told them how up until a couple of years ago, I wore black every year on Valentines Day and drowned my loveless sorrows in a Dairy Queen Blizzard. I told them how I turned my head when I saw the florist arriving (for the fifth time?) at work with yet another overdone bouquet of flowers some obliging husband sent his wife.

And now times are changin’. This year I spent probably about the same amount of time on Valentines Day that I did on Christmas. Okay not quite that much. The house isn’t nearly so decked out. But still – many hours. I made Valentines for my friends and for my family. I baked and iced cookies. I made fudge. I bought little presents for the kids in my life. I even have an outfit all picked out for Tuesday – and there’s red in it!

I read 1 Corinthians 13 to the ladies at Bible Study – the famous “love chapter.” And I said to them – Really…for a Christian…is there any better holiday? We are supposed to be about love. We get a whole day when everyone’s focus is already shoved that direction. It’s the biggest open door we’ll ever get! Let’s make this our day!! Let’s show love all over the place!
“And now I will show you the most excellent way” (1 Cor. 12:31 ). Love is the best. And I don’t need a husband to love. I have people all around me who need love. And on that day I have ten thousand extra reminders hitting me in every direction – reminding me to reach out to them and love them!

“If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing” (1 Cor. 13:2). It doesn’t matter who I am, what I can do, how smart I am, how charitable I am, or how much I have – if everything about me isn’t drenched in love, it doesn’t matter. Oh dear – I have a feeling God will remind me of that when I’m next in line at the Wal-Mart and the flashing light goes on and we have to wait for quarters.

And then of course there’s the famous list – love is patient and kind and not rude and not easily angered (Wal-Mart again?), etc. That’s how it’s done! If I want to show the love that I should show to everyone around me, then I need to get busy becoming those things to all the people who flutter around me in my day.

And then there was this little verse: “When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me” (1 Cor. 13:11 ). When I was acting like a child, I wore black to protest a holiday I found stupid – just because I was bitter that I couldn’t participate the way most other people could. I insisted upon consuming calories and fat grams to try to forget my problems – when really it just made the black clothes tighter.

And not that I’m the super grown-up girl now – we ALL know better than that. But now I’m starting to see that this day does have a purpose – and one not centered around boys or flowers or dinners out. It matters because it gives me a chance to love – with cookies and fudge and cards – and maybe some extra patience.

So I don’t know whether you love or hate this upcoming holiday. I don’t know whether or not you have anyone special to share it with. I don’t know whether or not you want to fast forward time from the 13th to the 15th and just forget the day exists. But I do know that you have people in your life who need to know you love them. People who need to feel like they matter to someone. People who want a hug – or an email – or a rose – or a buddy to eat a Blizzard with. And the most excellent way for you to spend the day is to look for ways to share that love with them.

I MADE IT!!! - Day Thirty

That is code for "the greatest of these is love." Thirty days of focusing on love. Thirty days of learning to live a life consciously centered around loving others. Thirty days of retraining a mind mostly centered on self and ick...before.

I have to admit it wasn't an easy day. One time I found myself wallowing in a pity party when someone wasn't giving me the attention I thought I deserved. But I quickly reminded myself that it's not about me. I had to catch myself mid-eyeroll on a few occasions and remember that people's quirks are part of their charm - and I need to cut them some slack.

And at the end of the day, I have to say I was quite put out. I'm a girl who likes to live based on principle. And at the end of today, I found out one more of my carefully crafted principles had been shot down the tubes. I hate it when those things are out of my control and I am forced to succumb to someone else's rules. And on the walk to my car this evening, I had to sternly lecture myself on not letting myself become all uptight...easily angered, in fact??...over this unimportant-in-the-grand-scheme-of-life situation.

The greatest of these is love. The greatest goal is to love. To love God first and then to love everyone around me - whether they fit into my principles or not.

I'm not perfect at this (clearly). And I know that there will be many times in the days to come when it won't be my first nature to love. It may not even be my second or third. But, to go back to Jaena's admonition from the early days, I am very excited to see the changes in my heart since I did this 30 day experiment. I'm excited that I think about what I'm doing wrong WHILE I'm doing it instead of three days later. I think it's great that I'm beginning to stop the unloving behavior actually before it starts. I'm a work in progress...but I'm getting there.

I remember in some of those first days, I really thought I would not make it to this point. I thought I would surely die. And I haven't. I don't intend to give up the love now that the appointed time has passed. And it will seem odd to not report on it daily.

Would I take the challenge all over again? Of course!! If only I could be allowed to wait until the bold faith experiment is done..............

Hope - Day Twenty-Nine

I thought a lot about hope today. I hope I don't oversleep so that I can get up in time for a Wal-Mart run before work. I hope it's almost lunch time so I can eat. I hope it's almost five because I've had all I can take. I hope that phone number on the caller ID isn't who I think it is. I hope Bible study goes well and something said touches someone's heart. I hope I don't get the flu bug that I hear is going around. I hope I remember to tape Good Morning America tomorrow so that I can hear Clay sing. I hope Jo Ellen Hummel can keep those triplets inside just a few more days so they have more time to develop. I hope...the secret faith walk that I'm on with God...

That's a lotta hoping!

But this is my observation about hope. In each instance, regardless of how big or how small - how significant or how stupid those hopes were, something happened. I paid attention to how many times I hit snooze. I worked hard on a project so I didn't have to watch the minutes tick by until the lunch hour arrived. I stopped looking at the clock so I couldn't see how slowly it moved to the end of the day. I answered the phone so I could see if my worst fear was coming true (and it was). I studied a little harder for Bible study. I'm a little more careful about watching my hands. I wrote a note to set the VCR. I prayed for Jo Ellen and the babies. And you can believe I banged on Heaven's door about that faith business.

I did something. Hope drove me to action. And whether or not the result was as I wished for, the sheer hope made me try.

My faith makes me believe things are possible. My hope spurs me to do whatever I can to bring me closer to the possibility. Sometimes there's not much I can do - but if there's anything at all that can be done, hope is what pushes me to do it.

And how does that help me love? As long as I have hope in people, there's a reason to love them. As long as I have hope that my friendships will grow deeper and more loving, I'll keep reaching out and trying my best in those friendships. As long as I have hope that someone can change, I can keep loving freely. And in the moments when I lose hope, God can come through with a fresh supply if I'm willing to ask.

Several years ago (okay, four), Max Lucado wrote a book called A Love Worth Giving. I probably should have abandoned my own deciphering of this chapter in favor of a re-read of that book. It's based on 1 Corinthians 13, and Max says most things better than I could even hope to think them. But as I pondered hope this evening, I remembered a quote from that book, so I dug it out of the tightly-wedged line on the shelf (time to expand the bookcase collection!!) to see the exact words.

"Hope is an olive leaf - evidence of dry land after a flood. Proof to the dreamer that dreaming is worth the risk." (p. 140) It's a great quote, but I have to admit that ordinarily I would not have remembered it. The only reason I do is because we studied this book in our Sunday School class, and on the Sunday we studied this chapter, our teacher arrived in class carrying Savannah. Savannah was just a few months old at the time - maybe five or six. And Pam sat there with Savannah on her lap and said to us that this little baby was God's olive leaf of hope to a family who had been flooded by grief when their first baby died. And out of that grief - out of that loss, God sent an olive leaf of hope - and olive leaf named Savannah.

Savannah is four now - and Sunday night proudly displayed her newfound talent of blowing up balloons. She handed me the slobbery, slimy balloon and said "You wanna try?" Uh, no thanks baby. You can keep it.

Tonight at Bible study, I looked across the room at her little brother. He's about that same age that she was when she became the Sunday School illustration, and he looks just like she did. (I can say this because he's 5 months old. When he's 15, we won't bring up that little detail.) And staring into his eyes and seeing his silly grin that so resembles the one she used to give me...I remembered that olive leaf of hope statement that Max made.

Sometimes hope is just that - a tiny olive leaf. It's not a forest or even a tree. It's just one leaf. But that one leaf can keep me going - keep me loving.

Faith - Day Twenty Eight

Alright. I've been telling you about the bold faith experiment without really telling you about the bold faith experiment. Last Monday night, I came home from an exhauasting two-day adventure of RUNNING. I had come home from my retreat Saturday night and within an hour had overnight company. I was thrilled about that - but being the Martha that I am, I had to whip up brownies and clean up clutter and...and...and. Then Sunday afternoon, between morning and evening church, I rushed around madly setting up a prayer partner group for our ladies at church and preparing the evening service - a special one just for the ladies. Then promptly upon arriving home from THAT service, I had to begin preparing for the first round of Ladies Bible Study which began last Monday night. So by the time I got home Monday night, I was pooped. I fell into bed with a Pampered Chef catalog and realized that was the first rest I'd seen since my weekend of amazing rest.

I'd just begun to drift off to sleep when God woke me up. I tried to argue that I was sleepy, but I've learned not to do that. He seemed urgent. He reminded me of my pastor's sermon the day before - about faith. About bold faith. Yes, I remembered it. Couldn't He see the page of notes I took?

Immediately He planted in my heart something to pray about. It seemed ridiculous. I rolled my eyes. But He prodded again. What??? Why should I pray about that? It's too bizarre. Get up and pray. And in fact...not only get up now and pray, but pray for 30 days. WHAT?? I'm in the middle of another 30 day experiment!! I'm going to have to quit my job to make time for experimentation! But the feeling only got stronger. So I crawled out of bed, rummaged through the closet for a new composition book to make as a journal for the 30 day expeiment. And I uttered my first prayer about it. I am pretty sure I blushed during it, because it just seemed crazy.

But I'm telling you, every day for the last week, that has been the first thing on my mind in the morning and the last thing floating through my head at night. And literally dozens of times during the day, there the challenge goes.

Yesterday I found myself begging God for the situation to be resolved. I was in full-force pleading status and God stopped me in my tracks. This 30 day experiment is not about begging. It's about believing. And I have to learn in my heart that there is a difference. God wants to see if I have enough faith to believe that this totally outlandish, impossible, crazy idea could actually take place. And let me tell you - it's so out there, that it would have to be a God thing if it actually happened.

But for the next twenty-something days, I'm pressing forward in prayers of bold faith, proclaiming God's ability to do the impossible. I am growing my faith.

What does any of this have to do with love? Well, the end of the chapter says that these three remain: faith, hope, and love. And I think that in my life of loving other people, there are going to be times when the only way I can love them is if my faith is big enough to let God change me into a loving person. Or into the loving person that they need at that time. My love is pointless if it's not rooted in a great big faith in a Great Big God.

It All Boils Down to This - Day Twenty Seven

I can't believe I'm at the end of the chapter already. Moreover (does anyone use that word anymore?) I can't believe it took me an entire month (almost) to get through a chapter. My guess is that this is why my yearlong commitment to read through the Bible in the said amount of time is NOT GOING WELL. It's all I can do to get through the daily portions. I get little out of it. But reading 13 verses in 30 days would take me...a long time...to make it through the whole Bible.

The last verse of the chapter...another famous one. "And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love." Just finished days of thinking about all the things that won't stick around forever. And now I have a reminder of the things that were here, are here, and will be here for all of time. And that list can be narrowed down to three words. Faith, hope, and love.

Earlier tonight I was watching the best of Jeff and Sheri Easter on TV. (That would be a new Gaither video, for those of you not familiar.) Sheri wrote a song that I absolutely love, and it's called "She Loved." Makes me cry every time I hear it. The idea of the song is to get you to think about what you'd want others to remember about you when you're gone. Sheri said when she was making her mental list of such things, every item began with "She loved." It boils down to love.

Faith, hope, and love. If you have those but don't have anything else...you're still okay. Because when all is said and done - if you have faith and live in hope and act on love - you're set.

I was just looking at this study note in my Life Application Bible, and it says, "Faith is the foundation and content of God's message; hope is the attitude and focus; love is the action."

What a perfect way to round out the last three days of this experiment! Three days, and three of the greatest things. These days will be my conclusion.

Comforting Thoughts - Day Twenty Six

I'm going to be in so much trouble by the time I'm done with this experiment, because some fully qualified, knowledgeable theologian is going to hunt me down an tell me everything I've processed incorrectly as I've thought about love and this chapter over the last 26 days. But I've tried to be honest all along that I'm NOT a theologian and I know it. I don't claim to be, I don't pretend to be, and truthfully, I don't want to be.

All I know are the bits and pieces of love-learning that have stuck out to me in this almost-month. And that is what I, in turn, share with you.

Today I thought about this part of the chapter: Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. I got stuck on the last little phrase there. I am fully known. This week it has been a great comfort to me that God knows me completely. He knows what a crazy emotional wreck I can be, and He also knows exactly how to comfort me in my moments of wreckage. He knows how to love me better than anyone else. And I love the ways that this week, He has put a tangible spin on that love.

Tuesday, I desperately needed a hug. I was headed for the bathroom at work, hoping that I wouldn't start crying until I got there. And when I arrived, tears still on hold, there stood a friend of mine. And after one look at the dam about to burst on my face, she reached out her arms and gave me a great big hug. I went back to my office and prayed that God would send a specific friend to me - and not ten minutes later, she stood in my doorway. The next day, I prayed for an email - from someone, anyone - to be waiting in my inbox when I turned on the computer. And one sat there, just as I needed. Chocolate arrived in droves that day - both from those who knew my need and those who didn't. Wow...thanks God! I am fully known - and He knew exactly what I needed that day.

The other key to this verse is that I don't know fully. I am still waiting on that opportunity to come to pass in my life. But it will happen. In the meantime, though, I can rest assured that God knows me and loves me completely.

I'm at the beginning of another experiment too - one that I'll probably be writing about tomorrow. It's a lot of work - just like this love one has been. It's a different kind of work. More of a heart work. But tonight I feel ready to keep going with it too, knowing that the God Who knows me fully would not ask me to take it on if He did not know (KNOW - not think) I'm capable.

Ultimate Love - The Ultimate Reward - Day Twenty Five

Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. I wonder what it will be like to look Love in the Face. I think we’ll all be surprised.

Being the “such a girl” that I am – being the lover of a good love story – love is on my mind a lot. And I think that for as many books as I’ve read on the subject…for as often as I’ve written about it…for as much as I’ve studied it in the context of the Bible…I have no idea what TRUE love is. And I don’t think anyone else does either. I think it is so big, that like eternity, we won’t be able to wrap our minds around it until we’re there.

I’ve loved a lot in my life. Don’t confuse that with being IN love. I’ve been there too – but not a lot. But I love many people. And as deeply and loyally as I love them – I have to think that it’s just barely a love compared to what could really be.

Again – I’m not a theologian. But I have to think that there is an invisible word in this verse. It’s like the implied “you” in “Come here.” I think it means Now we see but a poor reflection of love as in a mirror; then we shall see Love face to face. I think we have a lot to learn about love and until we see it embodied, we won’t get it the way that God intends for us to get it.

This whole section of this chapter is just one big reminder that this is not the end all of love. There is a lot to love – so many facets. And we have to work on achieving them daily. But there’s also that reminder that no matter how hard we work – no matter how much we achieve – it’s not over until it’s over. And it won’t be over until we’re in Heaven.

I think that in a way, it’s an exciting reward to look forward to. We who are faithful and hang in there and keep pursuing…we get to experience Love at its fullest. We finally get the last piece of the puzzle. That is an exciting thing to look forward to! Gives me reason to keep pressing on when this seems too hard.

Growing Up is Hard to Do - Day Twenty Four

Yesterday I allowed myself a pity party. For one day. I figure when you get tough news, the best thing to do is absorb. Once you’ve done that, you need to get on with it. So yesterday was my day of absorption. I cried. I got mad. I wallowed. I cried some more. I ate. I forced myself to keep going, but I really didn’t care how quality my existence was.

When I woke up this morning, I had a crying hangover. I hate that. My eyes still burned and my head felt foggy. But a good round of Starbucks will clear all that right up. So after a couple of hours out of bed, I was ready to be perky and pleasant again. I sternly lectured myself about refusing to fall BACK into self-pity.

That makes me think of this next verse in the Great Love Assignment of 2006. “When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.” It’s a growing up process. Growing up in love. I’ve learned a lot in the last 24 days. I’ve been retraining my mind to think more loving thoughts. Yesterday I didn’t try. And because I let go of that discipline yesterday – even for just a 24 hour reprieve – today it was hard to get back in the habit.

I said unkind things. I opened my mouth when it should have stayed shut. I had to clap my hand over my mouth to cover muttered comments more than I should have. I slapped my steering wheel in the Wal-Mart parking lot. And my compassion lacked. And each time I had to catch myself in the act of not loving, I shook my head. One day did this to me? One day of relaxing?

I guess we’re born with the dominant unloving gene. That’s why when we’re kids, we think and talk and reason like them. But as we grow up and learn what is right, we have to consciously put what is natural behind us. And instead, we have to live in love.

That has been what this experiment has been about for me. Conscious decision. It’s a decision to study this chapter, to think about what it means for me, and then to put it into practice. Every day I have to think about it. And when I stopped – even for a day – I fell right back into old habits.

Scary that one day can do that. But it’s a good thing to learn now. I guess it’s like a diet – for those who have to follow a certain eating plan for their health. Even one day off the plan can have major repercussions. Like a diabetic. What if she threw the sugar rules to the wind and ate everything in sight for a day? I’m not a nurse (I only play one in advertisements). I have no idea what would happen to her. But something would. That’s why diabetics have to stick to a plan.

And so do I. This may be the Great Love Assignment of 2006, but boy is it ever about to be a lifestyle for 2006 and beyond!!

Just an Idea - Day Twenty Three

I gotta be honest. I have no idea what this phrase actually means. “For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears.” I mean I know what it means, but I’m not sure how that ties in to love. I’ve been thinking about it all day – at least in the parts of the day when I had brain cells.

Today was a tough day. Days when you get bad news are tough days. Days when you want to know the full scale of answers but you can't are tough days. That was today. So in light of that, I know what it means to me to “know in part.” To me it means that I can only see this tiny corner of a picture. Did I mention tiny?

But how does it tie in to love? Maybe it means all these things we do – the things that will eventually be gone – are just part of the picture. We pour a lot of energy into them now, but they’re just temporary. We do the best we can, but we aren’t perfect. Eventually we will be, though. When that happens, we can love perfectly.

Maybe it means to love despite the missing knowledge. I had trouble with "the list" of the chapter today because I was so focused on what was going on in my head. I wasn't very kind or patient with others because I couldn't look that far away from myself to extend grace to others. But maybe part of the journey is learning to show love while only being able to "know in part."

Maybe this is my “out” for pushing myself to levels I can’t attain. I demand a lot of myself. I demand perfect love. But truthfully, I don’t know how to love perfectly. I can’t know. It’s not available information to me at this point in my life. But someday it will be. And then I can be held to that “perfection” standard that I demand of myself now.

God demands a lot of us. If He didn’t – we’d go too easy on ourselves, I think. Or at least I would. But He knows we’re limited creatures, so maybe this is His way of reminding us that it’s not within us right now to know it all about love.

If that is the case, I like what it says about when the perfect comes, the imperfect disappears. It doesn’t subside. It doesn’t change. It leaves. All we have is a flawless love.

But in the meantime, we have to do the best we can with what we have…and in that, I can continue my work.

What Matters, What Doesn't - Day Twenty Two

But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

The forgotten part of 1 Corinthians 13. After “love never fails,” everyone stops reading. But the chapter doesn’t stop there. It continues. And today it has several meanings for me.

When I first read that sentence, I thought, What in the world does that mean? It made no sense to me. But then I went back and checked out the opening lines of this chapter. They talked about speaking, prophecies, and knowledge. And for days, I wrote about how none of that stuff mattered if I didn’t have love when I did them.

But the truth of it is, none of that really matters at all. It’s all over eventually anyway. What really matters is the love.

This summer was my ten year high school class reunion. I was thinking about prophecies in terms of the predictions. Don’t all classes do the “most likely to” lists? Who remembers those in ten years other than those who received the votes? What about things people said? Well, the cliques are still there – at the ten year mark, anyway. But suddenly I care much less what others say about me, and for that matter, they didn’t say much other than “who are you?” The things they used to say were gone. As is much of the stuff I had to learn in high school. The bits I crammed in my head were gone after the test and haven’t returned. The predictions, the yammering tongues, the knowledge – all gone.

You know what’s still there? Friends who loved me. I still have good friends from high school. And what has stood the test of the decade is that bond. That love. That friendship. It hasn’t failed.

Today is September 11. The five year mark. All day today, the radio station I listened aired programs where people remembered and paid tribute. And that brought me to a whole new level of thinking about this part of 1 Corinthians 13.

All those who lost their lives on that day – their tongues were stilled. Their knowledge passed away. Their participation in life ceased. But what I heard over and over in the words of their family members today was that love lives on. What people remember was their love. The acts of love that they displayed through kindness, patience, protection, trust…all of that. It lives on.

So it doesn’t really matter, when push comes to shove. All the stuff we build so much around is fleeting. But love matters.

Falling vs. Failing - Day Twenty One

This morning in church, Pastor Steve asked how many people were reading 1 Corinthians 13. I didn’t even raise my hand – I just glanced at my neighbor and sighed. Then he said, “What are we – a couple of weeks into it?” Under my breath, I muttered, “Twenty one days, not that I’m counting.”

I was only muttering because his sermon today kicked me in the tail so hard I was already slouched down so far I could barely see over the pew in front of me. All I needed was a reminder of how love is….all the things I know it is.

Today was a busy one. I was in charge of the service for our ladies at church tonight – and as of about 2:30 this afternoon, I still didn’t know what I was going to say. That wasn’t a comforting thought for me!! But even as I hustled and bustled through all my analogies of plants and prayer (another blog for another day), I thought long and hard about the end of yesterday’s phrase…and about the next sentence too. “…always perseveres. Love never fails.”

Love never fails is a phrase that scares me. It is that one demand for perfection buried in the middle of a daunting list of goals.

But today those two phrases together struck me differently – and gave me some hope (which is what love is, you know) in the middle of worry that I’ll never be a woman of love. It says love never fails, not love never falls. I’m going to fall. I’m going to go to Wal-Mart and get impatient with someone on a scooter. I’m going to drive down a highway and be rude to some driver. I’m going to be selfish. It’s just going to happen sometime. I know it will. It will probably happen tomorrow, as a matter of fact.

But falling isn’t failing. Love doesn’t fail because it gets up when it falls and it tries again. And because it gets back up, it’s not a failure. And that is perseverance in action.

This sentence, “love never fails” usually concludes people’s recitation of the love chapter. It concludes the list, anyway. It’s not the end of the chapter, and I still have 8 more days of learning on this adventure.

But love never fails is such a perfect thing to end the list with, because it’s that great reminder. Love isn’t perfect at all these things all the time, but love never fails, so it gets up and tries again. It stands up, dusts itself off and resumes being patient…being kind…not envying…not boasting…not being proud….not being rude….not being self-seeking…not becoming easily angered…keeping no record of wrong…not delighting in evil…rejoicing with the truth…protecting…trusting…hoping…persevering…and then it starts over again.

A Proven Love - Day Twenty

Ten more days. Ten more days and a lot of ground to cover. I hope I make it through everything I’m supposed to learn!!

God took me back to the “always trusts” thing first thing this morning.

I was so looking forward to the prayer walk at the retreat. I went to this same retreat last year, and God met me in one of the most powerful ways of my life as I sat under a tree during the prayer walk. I was a bit dismayed this year to discover they’d constructed a climbing wall in my Jesus spot. I had to find a new bit of ground to claim for my learning area.

So I sat down near the water again – under a tree. Something had to stay consistent. Let me just explain something here. Last year, I was so overwhelmed by all that God taught me, that I ended up taking pictures of everything – the trees, the sun, the spot under the tree where I sat – all of it. I made a scrapbook page of my learning time with God. So today, when I went out in search of this year’s Jesus spot, I took my camera with me intending to document it all.

Several women sat nearby when God sent a lesson my way. The lesson included a duck swimming in the waters near the shore. One duck. He swam by, God used him, and he was gone. I wanted to take a picture but chickened out; I was afraid of what the ladies would say if they saw me taking pictures of ducks when I was supposed to be praying. So, pray I did. I prayed for God to send another duck. I would take a picture if He could just send me a duck. I waited and waited. No ducks. I began to wonder if this was just going to have to be an un-documented moment.

Then I saw him – a duck. And another – and another. Ducks everywhere. I got about five pictures! And as they swam and played, God asked again: Do you trust Me? Okay, God. If you sent a duck for a scrapbook picture, I know You can find the husband. Love always trusts. And love always comes through.

Love always hopes, always perseveres. As my thoughts leaned more in that direction, I thought about a friendship that today just seemed easier to walk away from. It was getting to be a hard one – and I was tired. I thought to myself, “Well, maybe I should just cut my losses and walk away from it.” NO!

Love always hopes. Love always perseveres. As I love others, I need to live in the hope of better times when the rocky moments come. And I need to stay with it regardless of how hard it seems to be.

Jesus always has hope in me – for my improvement. And He always perseveres in loving me even when I know I have to exhaust Him. Except that you can’t exhaust God.

How perfect that after days and days of studying about what love is NOT, I was able to study what love IS. I was able to learn it while resting and protecting myself and my love with God. I was able to gain hope of my own in learning to love…in learning to love myself, my God, and my friends.

Could not have been a more perfect end to this weekend and this sentence in 1 Corinthians 13!!

A Protected Love - Day Nineteen

What a beautiful day!! I had the privilege of taking today off work and getting away for an overnight retreat on a lake about an hour north of home. The sun shone, the sky was blue, the water lapped with perfect cool chill, and boats and jet skis sped by at a safe distance. I sat on the pier with Marie, both of us dipping our feet (well, I dipped, she splashed) in the lake water and taking in the sights and sounds of our retreat weekend.

While I sat, I thought about love. I pulled my Bible from my pink striped bag next to me to see what was next in the line of love learning. It was this sentence: Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

I thought back to my week of stress. At one point, I was so overwhelmed at work that I thought surely a stroke or heart attack hid in the very near future. I couldn’t breathe and the pressure of all that remained to be done seemed too much to grasp.

Love always protects. Well, it may not have anything to do with loving others, but certainly this weekend was protecting my health and sanity. I thought back to that day early on when I realized that I don’t love myself very well – that I need to work on loving myself before I can successfully love others. Perhaps this weekend is all about that love in action for myself. I needed to get away. I needed to have a day when I only had to check my voicemail or email if I wanted to. When the people who came to my office to see me would have to accept that I wasn’t there. Not this day. This day is for me.

I wrote in my journal, “It’s about You and me this weekend. I’m protecting myself by being here – away from what wears me down. I’m protecting our love by making time to rejuvenate it.

I think God appreciates it when we do that. When we protect our time with Him. When we realize the priority that this love is and we make time to focus on it and enhance it. After all, God’s love for me makes Him always protect me. Why wouldn’t it work the other way around???

Always trusts. Weekends away always make me think of the husband I don’t have yet. Especially today as I sat on the pier and watched couples stroll hand in hand down the sidewalk – or unload their car for a weekend getaway – or speed by in a boat – or take a swim off the pier. I found myself digging around in my Bible for some of those promises I’ve marked as assurances from God that love will eventually make its way to me.

Do you trust me? I could hear it as sure as I could hear the soft waves hitting the bottom of the pier. Good question, God. Do I trust You? Do I trust this love to do everything You’ve said it will do? I want to say yes, but I’m scared that my heart doesn’t really believe the yes. Love always trusts, though. Love always trusts God to take care of me – because He always has, you know.

I couldn’t even move on. It was enough. But I know this weekend – and whatever it holds in store – is going to be the weekend of learning about this whole sentence.

Maybe THAT'S What it Means - Day Eighteen

I have confessions to make. The first is that today was busy beyond busy. It was almost four in the afternoon before the words “First Corinthians Thirteen” even entered my head. It was then that I realized I’d not really messed up and been super unloving, but neither had I rushed out of my way to drizzle love over everyone around me. I was simply on autopilot, trying to have time to breathe my way through the day. And it wasn’t going well.

The second confession is that today’s verse confuses me. Today it’s time for verse six – “Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.” I think it confuses me because I don’t consider truth and evil to be opposites. But the way that sentence reads, it makes them opposites.

I suppose to have thought about that perplexity earlier in the day wouldn’t have done me any good because I didn’t have time to decipher it. So I’ll throw out my thoughts on the subject.

Love does not delight in evil…

Evil. Bad. Negative. When I’m living in love, I won’t be thrilled about the bad things. That means I won’t secretly do a happy dance when someone gets what they’ve got coming to them. That means I won’t be a supporter of people who are out to mess up life for everyone else. That means I won’t be giddy when someone takes a hit in life – no matter how much I may want to dislike him or her.

I think it also means I won’t seek out a bad lifestyle. I won’t want to be drawn to the things that drag me or others down. I will want positive over negative.

And speaking of that – love rejoices in the truth. I’ve been learning a lot about the word “truth” lately. I’ve been reading Elizabeth George’s book Loving God with All your Mind, and I’ve also been reading Gracia Burnham’s book, To Fly Again. Both have addressed the subject of truth. Clinging to what we know to be true. Believing the truth. Truth in these books is presented as something rock-solid. Good. Right.

And that is what I’m supposed to rejoice in. I’m to live joyfully in all things God – all things true. And even if my world is filled with evil, God prevails with truth. And in that, I should rejoice.

I guess maybe they are opposites. Satan represents all things evil, and God represents all things true. So I don’t have anything to do with the evil and I have everything to do with the truth.

Thanks for letting me think it out loud. I think it makes sense now.

Another Key for the Ring - Day Seventeen

One step further today. Yesterday – love is not easily angered. Today – love keeps no record of wrong. Oh boy.

The two go hand in hand, actually. People like me who blow up at the slightest issue tend to be really great at keeping track of exactly how many times that’s happened, too. It’s one thing to feel angry and learn to curb it if it’s not a necessary time. It’s an even greater thing to be able to put it all aside. To toss the memory as far away as possible and never return to it again. Never hold onto it for ammunition. Never keep it around for leverage. Dispose of it. Fully.

This is a tough one for me because I’m a competitor. I like being in the lead. And sometimes I’m willing to do whatever it takes to retain the lead. If it means I have to pull out all the stops and remind others of what they’ve done in the past to now land them in spots behind me, I’ll do it. Yuck. That’s not a good quality to have.

I’m trying really hard to view this experiment in learning to love as it applies to my daily life. How it affects the way I view my co-workers, my friends, my family, the students I work with, and the general public – even the Wal-Mart general public. But I have to admit that this time, I’m viewing it from the way I behaved with my ex-boyfriend. I was the classic keeper of the books for the two of us, and looking back on that now, I feel absolutely terrible about it.

I love to journal – and I love the record it keeps of my life. I love being able to look back and see what happened – when it happened – and relive all those memories. But for me, the bad thing is that reading a 2 sentence paragraph can bring back an entire situation in vivid color and sound. So if I keep a record of the wrongs done to me, all I have to do is read my journal notes, and all those emotions flood back my way.

I’ve been blessed with a good memory for detail like that. I can’t remember important things to save my life, but with stories along the way, I have a great memory. And I doube I’ll ever be able to change that about myself, short of getting some sort of memory loss disorder. So there may not be a way for me to forget the wrongs.

But there is a way for me to throw those thoughts as far from me as I can when they pop up in my brain. I can choose to not use them against others as I tended to do back in the day with my relationship.

Maybe there’s a key word in this one too. Maybe the key is keep. Maybe the record of wrongs exists because it’s impossible to forget it. But I don’t have to keep it. I can choose to toss it.

A Key Word - Day Sixteen

The first day of the semester is such a perfect time to institute “love is not easily angered.” A day filled with constant interruptions and endless questions and little patience from the other side of the counter makes for an interesting lab experiment in loving constantly.

Amazingly, the day went well. After work, I took a trip to Wal-Mart. I figured that would be the true test of “love is not easily angered.” With all the students back in town, it was definitely a carnival of high pitched screams and carts piled with Ramen noodles, school supplies, and all the dorm room essentials forgotten before. But I managed to maneuver my way around everyone and left without being any worse for the wear.

But alas, God did not allow the day to pass without a test.

I came home and clicked “connect” on my computer to log on and post about the day’s experiences. After a moment of trying, the phrase “unable to establish connection” appeared. WHAT?? “BRAEYA JO!!!” I yelled. She must have ripped the cord out of the wall as she went rip-tearing through the house chasing after her brother. She gave me her most innocent look, but I just rolled my eyes.

I checked the connection. It appeared to be fine. “Braeya, did you rip it out of the hard drive? How’d you do that?” I went back to the computer and lugged the hard drive out of the cabinet. The cord was firmly connected in the back. (Although I did manage to disconnect some random – yet important – piece of something else in the process.)

Teeth were now gritting and mumbling had begun. I tried again. Nothing. I shut down the computer and restarted it. Nothing. ICK. Finally, in desperation, I tried calling tech support. I received the lovely recording from the woman who probably works a second job at a 900 number telling me in the most soothing possible manner that she would love to help me if I would simply enter my phone number and listen as she gave me options. At last I reached the part for troubleshooting. She said in her low, even, fake tone, “Before I begin, please know that there is a service announcement in effect for your area. If you do not wish to hear this message, simply say ‘stop.’”

A man’s voice piped up – this man clearly had not attended the same school of soothing instruction that the woman did. In a gruff, 90 mile an hour voice, he announced “There-has-been-a-problem-reported-in-your-area.-We-are-aware-of-the-problem-and-are-working-to-fix-it.-We-apologize-for-any-inconvenience-and-will-work-to-restore-the-issue-by-midnight.”

I pounded the off button on the phone and yelled, “MIDNIGHT!!! I DON’T HAVE TIME TO WAIT UNTIL MIDNIGHT! I HAVE TO BLOG ABOUT LOVE IS NOT EASILY ANGERED!!”

Oh. Oops.

I gave up at last and went to bed. As I stretched out, one word in that phrase became glaringly obvious. Easily. Love is not easily angered. There are times when anger is warranted. People get angry with other people – and that’s okay. But love is not easily angered. Love doesn’t get upset about every little thing. Love doesn’t get mad over the petty things. Love doesn’t go from calm to furious in 1.5 seconds. Love is cautious about anger. Reserves it for the proper, warranted occasions. Times when injustice has really reached its peak.

My job, I think, is going to be working on finding that line. Finding the times when anger is justified. When anger is used appropriately. But at the same time, I need to recognize the times I do not need to blow up in a tirade.

Easily. It’s my key word.

Love in Action - Day Fifteen

I'm halfway through the project. I have as many days behind me as I have ahead of me. Seems like a good time to sit back and take stock of how I'm doing.

While I'm writing this, I'm watching a double feature of the Duggar family on TLC. You know - the family with all the kids? It's amazing to me to watch Mrs. Duggar graciously live a life of love. I think she's got this chapter down pat. In a family that size, there's no room for the rudeness, envy, anger, and selfishness to get out of control. It would be chaos!!!

But it does make me think. If she can be loving with all those kids underfoot, surely I can be loving with only two cats underfoot! It's all about adopting a lifestyle. A heartstyle. And she's done it. She's contagious. Contagious with love.

Looking back over the first not-even-half of this chapter, I see how these words are slowly working in my heart. The people in my office may tell you otherwise (and they have the right), but I see progress. If nothing else, I catch myself mentally focusing on love as I talk...as I act...as I plan. I've clapped my hand over my mouth immediately after saying something - because I've recognized it as unloving. My goal is to eventually clap my mind over the thought before it comes out of my mouth - but for now, this is progress. I've prayed about people that are challenging for me to love - and I feel a (small) softening in my heart when their names come to mind.

It's as though these days have given me "love antennas" and I can tell they're working. I've not perfected it, of course. I'm not where I hope to be. But I'm a lot farther along than I was before. And for that, I'm very grateful.

Tonight I kind of skipped ahead in my reading just to see what sorts of projects await me in the second fifteen days of this project. I can see more work ahead. But I'm excited - because I love the changes I feel in my heart. I hope they're showing in my actions, too. That part I can't judge - I'll have to wait for others to tell me.

At least I'm no longer saying "It's about to kill me!"

Awakened with a Sermon - Day Fourteen

Love is not self-seeking. And God reminded me of it about the fifth snooze this morning. It’s a Sunday, and though I’m principally opposed to skipping Sunday School, it was very tempting today. I thought about how nice it would be to snuggle down for another hour. Catch up on some more sleep. Take a vacation day. Relax. Treat myself.

And then into my head it popped – love is not self seeking. Okay, I get it. It’s not about me. It’s a Sunday morning, so time to get up and get to church! Good thing I went too. We are still studying the Sermon on the Mount – and today we studied the section about letting your yes be yes and your no be no – and we talked all about being people of our word. I guess since I’m always telling people they need to suck it up and get to church no matter how tired they are, it’s a good thing I practiced my own preaching!

After church, I tried to get out the back door. There were a couple of people that I wanted to avoid – the kind that never let you get away without a ton of stories? But at the last minute, I chose to walk out the front with my friends, and in the process, was stopped by one of the very ones I had hoped to miss. The whole time he talked to me, Faith stood behind him with a grimace on her face – walking the fine line of staying beside me to support me and wanting to run. I finally waved her on. God was dousing me with “love is not self-seeking.” I got myself into this mess- it wasn’t her job to stay around and bail me out of it. So I refocused, tried to offer a genuine smile, and continued listening as politely as I could until he was done talking.

And then there was the afternoon. I was on a mission. Specific tasks to be accomplished. Much to pack into a very short weekend. My scrapbooking project was scattered all about the living room and writing awaited me just steps away in the office.

The doorbell rang. The neighbor stopped by. Haven’t seen him in months – and it was so good to see him then. So nice of him to stop by. In fact, all the while he caught me up on the land of driver’s ed and show choir and summer vacation, I remembered that I should really make more of an effort to reach out to my neighbors. I’m just still not good at that. Sigh. Love is not self-seeking. Put away the scrapping, Bekah. Don’t worry about the writing. Just get out and love people!!

This “not self-seeking” part concludes the is nots sentence. Love does not envy…it does not boast…it is not rude…it is not self-seeking. As I’ve worked on these things this week, it’s surprised me how often the remedy for these problems is patience and kindness. I never paid attention to the order before. But love is patient and kind first. Once you learn those two things, you can use them to avoid envy…and boasting…and rudeness…and self-centeredness. It really does all work together.

Rude-Be-Gone - Day Thirteen

I thought I’d spend today thinking about pride again. Yesterday was a bustle of activity from morning until night, and although I tried to devote every spare thought to my 30 day project, I just didn’t have that many spare thoughts. By the time I had time for spare, I had no energy left to think!

But again – God had other plans. Even before I’d hit snooze the fourth time this morning, God was pointing out the phrase “love is not rude.” I was only thinking!! But apparently my thoughts were already headed down the path of rudeness – and I’d not even made my way out of bed yet.

And from there, I knew today was going to be a much bigger learning day than I wanted to think about on my day off.

I went shopping with Marie, and before we’d even made it to our destination, I’d glared at more than one driver and even called someone a dirtbag. And with every glare and every muttered word, God just kept tapping me and reminding me that love is not rude. Not to mention His reminders that I wasn’t in the driver’s seat – so it didn’t matter what I thought. It wasn’t my problem.

Then I got the lesson of the day. Marie and I stopped at a bookstore because I needed a new day planner. Of course I am incapable of stopping at just a day planner whenever I’m surrounded by books, so I was camped out on the floor next to the $4.97 shelf, when I realized I’d not seen Marie in a while. I got up and wandered around until I found her talking to a woman parked in the easy chair reading a book about divorce. They were deep in conversation and I just jumped in. I had no idea that God was about to use this conversation to teach me so much about love in action.

The woman talked…and talked…and talked. I was getting hungry, and I knew Marie needed to get home soon. I shifted from one foot to the other, wondering when the woman would stop developing “one more thing” to add to her story. And all the while, God ran the entire chapter of 1 Corinthians 13 through my head, with it is not rude emphasized. I smiled (with effort) and mentally re-entered the conversation.

Repeat the scenario about five times.

It’s hard to be loving and kind when you so desperately want to end a conversation that is clearly going nowhere!

When I came home, I had to mow. I haven’t mowed in two weeks. Today it was more like a hayfield out there, so I had a lot of quality time between mowing and raking. And the whole time I was out there, God stayed on me about being loving – and about not being rude. He reminded me that if I’m serious about this business of writing and working with people, I’m going to run into the exasperating type all the time –and my job is to be kind – and to not be rude.

He reminded me that at times, it’s not going to be convenient to sit and listen. At times, people are going to be annoying. At times, people are going to be wishy-washy in what they say. But still, I get to love them.

When Marie and I talked to this lady about divorce, she explained that a friend of hers had tried and tried – for over twenty years – to be the husband he should be. But his wife didn’t want to try. He was tired – and ready to give up. And she thought he should be allowed that much – as a reward for trying so hard for so long.

How thankful should we be, Marie pointed out, that God doesn’t operate that way with us? When we don’t give things full effort…when we don’t hold up our end of the bargain…God keeps right on being God. He doesn’t say, “Well, you’ve reached your limit. You’ve worn me out. It’s over. I quit.”

And as I raked, God reminded me that He hasn’t given up on me yet. That this project warms His heart – because it proves that I’m serious about learning – about improving. And I am so thankful that He has not given up on me. That He is willing to work with me day by day – to teach me.

Just last night, I gave my devotions the short end of my attention span because I was tired. And yet I was thankful that God made time in His schedule today to meet with me while I raked – it was rude of me to cut Him off last night – but He showed me today how love really works – by not paying me back as I deserved.