The Strength of a Bleeding Heart

Cari...this one's a repeat for you...my apologies!

This past Sunday, I shared a devo in a service at my church, so I thought I'd share it with you too. Kind of fits in with yesterday's post.

About a year before my desert began I received a letter from my sister, Lori. The very last line of the letter said "You are stronger than you know." I had no idea why she put that in the letter, but when the gut-wrenching days of the desert began, those words came to my mind.

It was right about that time I happened upon these words from Lamentations 3:

I cry out, "My splendor is gone! Everything I had hoped for from the Lord is lost!" The thought of my suffering and homelessness is bitter beyond words. I will never forget this awful time, as I grieve over my loss. Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this. The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease. Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning. I say to myself, "The Lord is my inheritance; therefore I will hope in him!"

Some days I would pace through the living room of my house and through tears and gritted teeth, I would recite those verses, hoping they would conjure up strength beyond what I felt.

In those days, I learned that Lori was right. I really did have strength beyond what I knew. And more than that...I learned that God's strength could saturate me in ways I never fathomed.

Last week, I walked through my yard and saw these:Bleeding hearts. (Appropriate, no?)
I tried to kill this plant...on purpose. I cut it down, I spread one of those weed suppressor blankets over it. I put rocks on top of that. The plant did not fit in with my vision for that area of the yard and I was determined to make it die.
And the next year, that plant shot up through the weed blanket, through the rocks, and it bloomed. And it's bloomed every year since.
It was stronger than I knew. Despite the crushing...it was not consumed.
Much like my life.
Much like your life.
Life crushing in on you? Are you pacing around praying through gritted teeth - or not even praying at all?
You're stronger than you know. HE is stronger than you. You are not consumed. His mercies are new. Wait in Him.

Two Years

Two years ago this week, my desert began. I know some of you are new to my blog and have absolutely no idea what that means, but for those of you who have been here a while...you remember.

I was in love with the man I planned to marry and he told me he couldn't marry me. He walked away into a soul-wilderness, and he never came back to me. And what ensued was a very long, excruciatingly painful journey that I thought for a little bit might just kill me, but it didn't.

Now and then, people ask questions about it, so I wanted to take a minute to acknowledge life, two years later.

* Isaac is now married. I've had people ask me how I feel about that. Well, it wasn't the happiest day of my life when I learned that news. (Read: cried for hours.) But God asked me once if I would be willing to give him up if it meant his complete healing and I said yes. Don't know if he healed or not, but once you've told God you're willing to let go, you can't really be too mad when He asks you to do that. I've prayed for them (more than once) - that their marriage will be blessed and successful.

* I've survived this; I can survive anything. Losing Isaac was, without question, the most painful loss and journey I've ever known. Anything that comes at me now is compared to that and found survivable. Whenever I'm tempted to feel I'm not going to make it through something, I say to myself, "You survived that; you can do this." And then I do it.

* Just because it's over doesn't mean the hurt disappeared. Though our paths don't really cross, there are times I see pictures of him (through his family) and that brings incredible fresh sears of pain. Satan jumps all over those moments to say "Look what you didn't get." I like to call them "opportunities for faith." At those moments I revert to "You survived that; you can do this." And then I do.

* Morning has broken. Every day as I drive to work and watch the sunrise, I remember my theme song from the desert - which was Before the Morning. And I remind myself that my morning has come. Life, though not at all what I envisioned two years ago, is beautiful and laden with gifts. It's minus Isaac and I miss him, but God has new plans for this girl and as He sees fit, He'll unfold them.

And finally...this song. Oh my goodness. Another one that could be my theme. If you've got a hurt going on...take a listen.

Ken Davis

Ken Davis, if you've not heard of him, is a Christian comedian, and I've seen him many times on Gaither DVD's because he's traveled with them for many years. But this past weekend was my first time to see him live, and he was HILARIOUS!!

I didn't have to work this one...it was just a go-for-fun adventure, so I invited Ronda to come with me, and off we went! The concert was sold out, so the church was completely packed. I sat in the WBCL row along with these two...who welcomed the crowd at the beginning:Know what still feels weird to me? I was talking to Larry's wife (Larry is on the left in the picture above...he's one of the morning guys) and said my name. The woman in front of me turned around and said, "You're Bekah?" I said yes, and she said, "I hear you on the radio!" I still forget that can happen! She was so nice and it was great to meet her - but so weird to know that someone would know who I am!
And here is the funny man himself:He's in his mid-sixties now, but he has the BEST stories. The marriage ones are my favorite. His wife is one good sport!
I think one of my favorite lines was when he talked about "his uncle, the weatherman" (when describing the people who had lied to him all his life) and he said how many times he'd shoveled "partly cloudy" out of his driveway. SO TRUE.

He also gave marriage advice to a 12 year old in the audience. That was pretty funny too!

At the end of the night, he told how God used different events of his life to teach him how He was never far...and how He always had His hand on him. Great, great testimony.

My dear and lovely friend, Ronda. I'm so glad she came with me! We had much fun.

And just in case you've never heard him...here's one of the sketches he did that night:

It's the Weekly Recap!

* Last Sunday was, of course, Easter Sunday! You just saw the recap of that a couple of days ago, so there is no need to rehash it. Beyond egg hunts and the ability to eat dessert again...I'm thankful for Easter and the HOPE Jesus brought with the resurrection!* Monday, Lynne and I were back on the air together for our PARTY PALOOZA SHOW!! Man I missed that girl! And this, my friends, is what you start eating when you find yourself with leftover ham and 2 dozen boiled eggs in your fridge!

* Tuesday, y'all, IT SNOWED. Are you kidding me? Not enough to dust the ground or anything but still. Snowflakes??? Blech. Not cool in April. Had to take Trixie to the computer hospital (already) because she wasn't (apparently) fully cleaned off when I bought her and I couldn't install any programs! So that was my Tuesday fun! Snow and computer repair!

* Wednesday morning I had the EXTREME privilege to interview my friend, Brent Vernon. I was so excited about that - and he did a great job. :) I was more nervous than I'll admit to in print. (OH wait. I just did.) And then, check out my dinner. Words cannot express my joy:*Thursday evening, I spent the night at Lynne's house...which was a huge blessing, in addition to just being flat out fun. (Thankful gas prices are going down, but any chance I have to save even one commute - it's huge!) That morning while I packed...someone caught up on the events of Bekahland. As if she had missed them.

* Friday night I attended the Ken Davis comedy night in Fort Wayne. Every now and then I get to attend an event I'm not working! (That feels weird!!) Ronda came with me and we laughed until we absolutely cried. He is FUNNY!! I'd seen him on Gaither DVDs before, but this was my first time to see him in real life.

* Yesterday was Liam's birthday party. This year it was at the fire station. Oh my word. How excited was I about that? It was a chilly, rainy day, but that didn't stop us from having a LOT of fun - including...a ride in the fire truck!
And last night I spent several hours online tracking tornadoes out in Kansas. Greensburg was missed by less than a mile. Scary!

One Thousand Gifts: How to pick just one!! I think I'm going to go with the Easter Egg hunt last Sunday. Sure, it was fun, but it was a gift to me that my Mom would get up early, run around outside before church, on a day when she was busy preparing food, and hide eggs because she knew I wanted a hunt more than anything else that day. That meant so much to me!

Pinterest Inspiration: I was asked to make a sheet cake...which I'd never done before! So...it was Pinterest to the rescue! I didn't take a picture of mine...but it looked a lot like this one!

Source: allrecipes.com via Rebekah on Pinterestst

638 Gifts

Next Friday, Lynne and I are going to talk about what we're learning in this 1000 Gifts Challenge we've taken this year. And so...I must update...

504. Grill smoke clinging to hair.

521. Strawberries and lemonade at Tammie's house.

530. Purple hyacinths.

541. Lightning flashing across night sky

548. Stretching in bed looking at new life on trees.

557. Perfect(ish) lines in a freshly cut lawn.

566. Watching sugar and water caramelize.

577. Coke in a glass bottle.

586. Watching women lay down burdens at an altar.

597. Mom's strawberry jelly on toast.

600. Addie's precious first solo in church.

613. Fresh cut lilacs mixed with yellow flowers.

625. Bubbles dancing in the breeze.

638. Orange nail polish.

What gifts have you seen this week?

Easter!

At long last...almost a week later...I've arrived at the Easter pics!

First...before anyone just can't handle the suspense anymore...here's the big Easter dress reveal!Shut up, right? It's not ANY of the ones you voted on! But your efforts were not in vain. I took your advice on florals and colors and age appropriate cuts...and started over completely. Thank you for your help!
Easter morning, of course I went to church, and the service was very good. Gave me a lot to chew on.
And speaking of chewing...I was in charge of dessert for Easter lunch at Mom and Dad's. So there was the Pinterest inspired little chocolate chip nests:And Gloria Gaither's red raspberry cake! It got rave reviews, even from Dad whose comment was "For raspberry, it wasn't bad." LOL!!!!Ahhhh Bekah gets dessert at long last....There are other pictures of the day, but I was threatened with NOT putting them on Facebook. Though the blog wasn't mentioned, I figured I'd better not press my luck. So just know that I'm not being self-absorbed...I'm just forbidden to post the rest. (And yes, that is killing me.)
My favorite part of the entire day was the Easter egg hunt. I ran into one of Mom's friends at the store during the computer debacle and mentioned the only thing in the world that could complete this Easter would be an egg hunt...so she told her, apparently, and an egg hunt I received. I was shocked and very pleased. This is me taking off my shoes so I could run around barefoot in the grass...As I left church on Sunday, my friend Laurie commented on my "Hollywood glasses" - and this just looks like a whole paparazzi picture. Cracks me right up. (And that dress was EVERYWHERE in the wind. Wowsa. Thank goodness it was a fake wrap on the skirt!)My sister has recently taken up playing the violin, and I got some great pics of her treating us to a little mini-concert, but I'm not sure if they were in the forbidden-to-post list or not, so I thought I better not risk it. Anyway, she did a great job and I was proud of her.
So was Dad:

Hee hee hee. :)

So that was Easter! And now...a week later...we can move on to other topics.

Eggstravaganza!!

The final stop of the day on my tour-de-embracing my childhood involved coloring Easter eggs! I was a kid last time I did this...and I decided all the fun shouldn't be confined to the kiddos! So Amber and I dragged the patio furniture out into the sun, hauled all the supplies outside, and got ready to have an egg coloring eggstravaganza!We had a set of colors in the "vibrant" scheme and a set in the pastel scheme. Amber was vibrant. :) I was pastel.

This we learned: pastels take FOR BLESSED EVER. So while I waited...I inhaled my Starbucks treat. (Pretty sure when I was a kid and did this, there was no Starbucks involved.)

A stirred egg does not dye faster. This we also learned. Nevertheless, we tried to help. :)

Isn't it the prettiest mess you've ever seen?

Amber's pretty creations:

And mine. I sort of cheated and borrowed her vibrant colors. I'm not as pastel as I thought.

When we were done with that...we got a little goofy and did an "eggsperiment" to see if putting lilacs and dandelions in the colored water would change the color of the flowers. It was good in theory but our eggsperiment was a fail.

So that was our day! Scavenger hunt, bubbles and birdwatching, and coloring eggs. As I've already said...hands down, the best Good Friday EVER.

From Bubbles to Birdwatching

After Amber and I finished our photo scavenger hunt in the park, we stayed a while longer just having some relaxing fun.

Hard to believe I was a shy child, isn't it?That was my imitation of running down the hill...the hills are aliiiiiiive. (I didn't really sing it out loud. I promise.)
Then we went to sit by the river, relax, and blow bubbles. Yes...a continuation of the inner 2 year old...The wind kept changing directions, so we ate as many bubbles as we successfully blew...So I gave up and tried the spinning method. Yeah I was dizzy after about two spins...Proof that Amber really was there!
Bubble!!

Before we went home, we became fascinated by this massive bird that flew in and then walked down the river and went fishing. He caught a couple, too!

As we walked back to the car, we decided it's a certain kind of pathetic to go from bubbles to birdwatching all in one afternoon. :)

Scavenger Hunt in the Park

Last Friday, I embraced my inner preschooler. And. It. Was. So. Much. Fun.

My friend Amber took the afternoon off work and we spent most of it at the park! (She really was there...she's just not in any of these pictures because we each did our own set of pictures.) Well actually we started our day by eating pizza at my favorite Marion pizza place: Brooks Upper Crust. Oh MAN is that some good pizza!

I'd found an idea online for a photo scavenger hunt. So, armed with my trusty list, we set forth to find what treasures were to be had in the park.

Something made of wood. Duh! A tree! I promise they got more creative...Something purple. Oh man was this pretty!Something rectangle. The sole decorated picnic table in the entire park...

Something round. Amber said I should just use the paint job from the picnic table...but I decided to keep looking.

Something shorter than you. This bridge!

Something square: Diamonds are really squares...right?

Something striped. Amber found a flag and I thought I was out of luck. Thank goodness for construction!

Something taller than you. Rather handy that the Christmas light display was still up. (At least this one.)

Something that displays a rule. One I was afraid to get too close to!

Something that smells pretty. And this certainly did!

Something yellow. So pretty.

Something you can sit in. I know of some people who got married here. I don't think that's a half bad idea.

Something you use to play sports. Phats said I shouldn't just be sitting though. Woops.

Okay, I know a photo scavenger hunt is very elementary...but we had the most fun time! The weather was pretty perfect. Not a SINGLE cloud in the sky...not too hot, not too cold...gorgeous sun...and we spent about an hour in the park just wandering around looking for fun stuff! Loved it!

Buying Trixie

I bought a new laptop Saturday. If you missed the story of the untimely (in my opinion) demise of the previous computer, scroll down and read Saturday's post.

I've named my laptop Trixie. I chose that name because Trixie is one of a handful of names I holler at inconsiderate drivers on the interstate. (i.e. DO YOU NOT HAVE A TURN SIGNAL THERE, TRIXIE?) and sometimes I have the need to holler at my computer. So I just went ahead and named her. (And no, she doesn't have a turn singal.)

Anyway.

I drove to the Best Buy over in Kokomo and wandered the laptop aisles, a bit confused. (Totally lost.) A really nice guy named Daniel came over and asked if I needed help. (Boy was that a loaded question...)

So I explained my basic computer needs and he explained my basic options...careful to keep my (ridiculously low) budget in mind and my (equally ridiculous) cluelessness about things such as computers! He had it narrowed down to about one for me, and I noticed a couple standing over to the left listening to his pitch to me. (I've since named them Frick and Frackette.) I said to my nice new friend Daniel, "I think I'll go with that one," pointing to the one he'd given his best vote, and he said, "Um...there was one left here on the shelf just a minute ago. Where did it go?"

At the same moment, we saw Frick and Frackette hustling around the corner with my laptop in their hands.

Yes indeedy. They stole the advice he gave me and walked right off with the computer they just heard me say I wanted.

Daniel was not happy about that and went to search the recesses of the store for any remaning laptops. (Meanwhile a couple of other nice guys came up to see if I needed help and I'll admit I didn't use my inside voice when explaining that someone else had taken the computer I'd planned to purchase. They may or may not have been in earshot.)

The manager came over after a while and apologized profusely and said he could sell me the floor model at a discount if I wanted. I'm sorry - did I hear the word discount?? Yes please!!

So he took it to clean off the demo software and Daniel and I launched into a fascinating conversation about costs, warranties, and the one remaining day until my dessert fast is over. (I'm honestly not sure how that sneaked in.)

It was in that conversation that I found out a demo software removal takes TWO HOURS. How I wished I had a poker face, but alas, I do not, so he got the full horror look...because I had to get home for a birthday party! I finally said, "You know what? It doesn't matter. Do what you have to do and it's really fine."

He said, "You have the best attitude I've ever seen."

I'm sorry, what?!?!!?

I almost asked for that in writing. I've never been told that in the entirety of my life.

We went over to start the purchasing process and he said he wished all his customers were like me. (How bad are the people who shop there? Seriously!?) I smarted off about something a couple of sentences later and he said he loved my sarcasm. I told him I was really sorry to be sarcastic, but the options at that point were sarcasm or tears and I was pretty sure he didn't want the tears.

But you want to know the best part of the whole day? He said I looked 22. Seriously! He said that! I said, "Well the hair dye is working its magic then."

In the end, I got the computer and the demo removal only took about 1/2 hour. I was home in a jiffy...and feeling pretty good about looking 22 and having a good attitude!!

As for Frick and Frackette...well, I'll simply shake my head and say (in my best British accent) - "naughty customers."

It's the Weekly Recap!

* Last Sunday I drove in to the church parking lot and had this awful thought that it was really Easter and I was in the wrong outfit. LOL!! Fortunately it was still Palm Sunday. Pretty low key day...nothing much to report!

* Monday was the first day of Lynne's vacation, and I made it operation: clean off my desk day. I blasted through so much paperwork, but I missed her TERRIBLY!!! After work, it was gorgeous out, so I went on a 4 1/2 mile walk/run...and called the day a success.

* Tuesday evening I went to the Marion Easter Pageant...which made me miss being in it all the more! The choir and orchestra did such a fantastic job and I really enjoyed running into people I used to see every year! A shot of the screen during the showing:
* Wednesday evening I had dinner with Jenny for the first time in WAY too long. Seriously. It had been over a month. Jenny, let's not wait that long again, mmmmkay? We ate at Moe's, and I ate as though it was the first food I'd seen in over a month. Good grief. Came home and took a LONG nap...my heart was worn out from some stuff going on right now and I needed rest. Then...check out the upgrade to my flower vase! (Love my lilac tree!)* Thursday morning, this was the sunrise on my way to work. (It was about 4 times more beautiful than this view through my pathetically dirty windshield portrays.)After work I went for a long walk and then I came home to watch Grey's with Rachel. I was doing some pinning before I fell asleep and woke up at 3:45 in the morning with the laptop open on my stomach, TV still on. Totally fell asleep pinning!
* Friday, we only worked a half day, so I spent the afternoon with my friend Amber. Last year, on Good Friday, she came over and helped me paint my living room. I was determined to give her a little bit more of a fun day this year. I'll post more pictures this week, but I think this one goes down (easily) as the best Good Friday EVER.* Yesterday I purchased a new laptop after the untimely demise of the one I've had these past few years. And of course, said purchase could not come without its own brand of drama, so to tune in tomorrow to hear about THAT. I went to a birthday party for one of my blog-anonymous friends' kiddos...
...and then I had to mow the yard. Seriously had to. The Easter bunny could have (and may have) gotten lost in there.
One Thousand Gifts. There were so many this week (again) but the one making me say extra thanks is that my computer didn't die until AFTER Friday morning was over. Because we had a shortened work day and no live show, I was allowed to work from home to save some gas. Had the computer died that morning, I would have been in big trouble! Big old praise the Lord!
Pinterest Inspiration. This was only a semi success. With tweaking, I have hope it could be a full success. I made these as one of the desserts for Easter lunch...

Source: makingmemorieswithyourkids.blogspot.com via Rebekah on Pinterest

Well...I made a version of them. This original recipe calls for regular cookie dough wrapped around a mini Cadbury caramel egg. Then...icing and the chocolate eggs. Both because of cost and because of my audience, I skipped the egg. I also used store-bought chocolate chip cookie dough. Because of my audience, I skipped the icing as well. My fatal error was in not spraying my pan. (I had the misfortune of thinking that particular pan didn't need it. WRONG!! So most of mine fell apart. And my eggs are too too big, so they kept popping out. Still cute enough to take: