Sunday Smattering

This past week has been insanely busy in Bekahland. I can think of three nights when the clock was past 2 a.m. before I went to sleep. I sure paid for that one yesterday. Slept til almost noon!

* Monday was Labor Day, and I had the opportunity to, in fact, labor. Lucky me! Because I work in an office that serves students directly, we are always open Labor Day weekend. My shift was Monday morning. As a consolation prize, I was allowed to wear an IWU T-shirt to work. That was a fun break from the normal business attire.

That evening, my friend Jonathan and I went to Ivanhoe's for ice cream. Ivanhoe's, if you're not from around here, is a local ice cream shop that has 100 shakes and 100 sundaes. Jonathan always gets a sundae and I always get a shake. (The sundaes have way too much topping for me.) This time I got a tin roof shake - it was good and definitely went a long way in drowning my sorrows!


* Tuesday I tried to get back into the swing of normalcy by celebrating the start of a new school year with a breakfast treat for the office. I made my quick cinnamon rolls and took them to work. They turned out quite yummily. (New word. Feel free to use it.)


* Wednesday evening I went over to Alexandria to the Gaither store with my friend Ronda. I love that place and don't think I'd been there since APRIL! Good grief! Anyway, we shopped and I got the new Vocal Band CD, called Greatly Blessed. Oh man, it has some great songs on it. I think my three favorites right now are You Are My All in All; Greatly Blessed, Highly Favored and I Know How to Say Thank You. OH! and Please Forgive Me. THAT song has a killer David note in it. I may or may not play that particular line over and over just to hear him hit it. L-o-v-e this album.

Ronda and I shopped long enough that we needed some sustenance, so we ate in the cafe there in the store. I always try to get something different so I can try out everything. For being such a small cafe, they have a huge menu! This time I had their Texas chili (I even ate the beans...Mom was SHOCKED when she heard that news!) and their grilled cheese with this special sauce on it; yummy! Ronda and I split a piece of chocolate cake, which of course, is merely a vehicle to eat frosting, and I had a chai too. (My appetite has returned, in case you can't tell.)

ALSO...Wednesday was my Mom's birthday. Happy birthday, Mom! I won't tell your age. Yet.

* Thursday night was the start of football season. I know, I know...WHAT!? How do I know this? It seems that many of my friends are football fans...okay, fanatics. So I'm trying to learn the fine art of appreciating the game. I ended up watching that game over at Ronda's house with her, Jonathan, and Austin. And I was a good girl and didn't ask any questions during the game. (Learned that one the hard way last year!)

* Friday was the end of the longest week IN HISTORY. I celebrated its survival by going over to my friend Faith's house to hang out in the evening. Faith was the one I went to Tennessee with in June.

Here are some pictures of that outing. Faith's kids are not exempt from the Silly Bandz craze. Kaylah came up with this on her own. She found the 0 in the numbers set and stuck it in her nose and said "I'm a bull!"

Hannah wanted to show me her ENTIRE collection. It has been noted that the yellow band down at the bottom looks like a bikini top. Faith and I rather hoped it was supposed to be a pair of sunglasses. Questionable little band, though.

This is what happens when a five year old is set loose with a camera....

*Saturday was a perfectly wonderful lazy day at home, spent mostly catching up on cleaning and organizing, neither of which have seen much activity during the desert months.

But I wanted to share a couple of OTHER exciting pieces of news from Bekahland with you!

My friend Julie (the one I went to Brown County with last fall) called me up a couple of weeks ago and said her church's Ladies Bible Study was interested in doing a study I wrote a couple of years ago. Julie had done the study as part of a trial group last year, and she must have liked it enough to remember it and suggest it to her group. I was so excited to hear that! So for the last week, I've been busy tweaking the study and formatting it for a quick print job. I picked up the finished product yesterday!

Julie is going to be leading the group, and I know she'll do a great job...and I can't wait to hear the feedback from the group. In fact, I hope to crash one week of their study to meet the ladies.

I've also wanted to tell you about this for a while, but I didn't have pictures. A few years back (six or seven, maybe) I got my nails done every two weeks. It was a fun treat I lavished upon myself just because I could. When my roommate moved out, I had to give up manicures to redirect the funds to regular bills.

I know it's probably fifty kinds of vain, but I have to tell you I miss my fake nails. I have freakishly small nails. The only tiny thing on my whole self would have to be my nail bed. (Just to explain to you HOW tiny they are...I had to have my acrylic nails sculpted onto my own nails because the pre-made ones are too big.) Well, as my desert came to an end, I decided to bring back the manicures as a treat for myself.

The lady I wanted to do my nails (I'm picky about where I go...don't want icky infections!) doesn't sculpt acrylics, so she started doing this new nail system on me. It's called Shellac, and I am SUCH A FAN!!!!!!

It's basically this extra festive polish that makes my nails just as strong as the acrylics, but there's no acrylic involved. These are my own nails with the polish that doesn't quit. The true test was last week (and I forgot to take a picture!) when I had red polish on for 2 1/2 weeks. In that time frame, it didn't fade off the tips, it didn't chip, I did not have any broken nails, and best of all, it didn't leave red streaks when I dragged it across paper! I declared that if the red held up that well for that long, this thing is amazing.

This is this week's color. It's not black. It's Fedora. (AKA chocolate brown.) I love it. LOVE it. Also love that because this polish is cured under a light immediately after application, I don't have to worry about smudging. It's perfectly dry the minute I walk out of the salon. AND it's cheaper than acrylics!

BRING IT ON!!!!

A Bit of a Heart Tornado

I know some of you who read my blog are new(ish) to my world, so for this post, I need to give you some background.

On May 4th, 2007, my sister and her family lost their home, church, and town in the F5 tornado that hit Greensburg, Kansas. I stole this picture from my brother-in-law's Facebook page. This was all that remained of their home. If you want to see more of my take on the tornado, just peruse back through my archives in May 2007.



I mention this simply because Tuesday, May 4th, was the three year mark since the tornado that destroyed the buildings of Greensburg. And I say this with much respect for the people who endured what you see pictured above...my heart felt a bit like that house.
May 4th was also Braeya's 4th birthday. (She's one of my two cats if you are new to reading and haven't met them yet.)
I didn’t really have the energy for either observance, but both weighed heavily on my mind.

That night, I wrote, I mowed the yard tonight and it took me back to three years ago when I mowed the day after the tornado. I remember feeling so guilty for making my yard look nice when they had nothing. It was hard to mow tonight too – but because my heart was breaking. Oh how I miss him. Oh how I long for his healing and restoration. And while I know it’s okay for me to hurt and such, I do long to show him that I am okay. I am still happy. I can bring him joy.


Oh God, please free me. Please allow me to have joy in my heart – first and foremost for my own well being but also for him. God, please be at work.
I distinctly remember this next part. As I willed myself to move up and down the yard until it was completely mowed, I remembered a piece of the familiar verse in Lamentations...the one about God's great faithfulness. When I came inside the house, I practically tore apart my new Bible getting into Lamentations to find these verses:

Lamentations 3:21-24. “Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord’s great love, we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, ‘The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.’”


I cling to it. I call it to mind that You have spoken. I will choose to live in hope rather than despair. You can be trusted. I will wait for You to work.

I remember reading these verses. I was looking for the part where it said God’s compassions never fail, when I noticed the first part – about calling it to mind. I set my jaw in great determination and through gritted teeth, I declared that I would call this to mind. I would be purposeful about it. I would. If it killed me.
Literally for the rest of the night (Braeya's pathetic birthday party excluded), I paced around the house, repeating those verses over and over. Sometimes I said them calmly, and sometimes through bitter tears, but always with great determination to see this thing through to the end.

One of the biggest blessings of the journey was the way a particular and unsolicited group of friends began to rally around me. One such friend was Kari. I met Kari through her mom, who is a co-worker of mine, and for the last several years, she and I have gotten in the habit of emailing back and forth every day. She had been eager to hear the stories of Isaac along the path of the early, gushy-love days. But, being far from a fair-weather friend, she was also willing to stay an active participant in the painful days as well. And on May 5th, she emailed me this, which was a point I'd never considered:

You can only love Isaac as much as you love yourself. Are you loving yourself? The Bible says to love your neighbor AS YOURSELF. We should love God first, ourselves second, and others third because we can’t love others unless we are loving ourselves. So love yourself...love yourself a whole lot right now and when the time comes, you will be ready to love Isaac the way you are supposed to and the way he needs you to.


Funny, since you always hear that others are supposed to be second and you are last in line. But I thought she had a great point. I wasn’t eating or sleeping. I was barely showering. There was no way I could love others because I didn’t have any love for myself at all.

That night I wrote, Lord, I know You’ve started a healing work in me. I can feel Your calming presence. I can feel desire again. Desire to live and laugh. Jesus, please don’t let it be too late for me to show this to Isaac. Please let him want to see the joyful Bekah again. Allow me the opportunity to let him see my joy and peace. Anything other than heaviness and tears.

Tearful Goodbyes and the Beginning of Boot Camp

This particular weekend in which God called me into a desert was also the weekend Isaac came to visit for the date we'd scheduled prior to all these events...the date I begged him to keep even though he thought (probably wisely) that it was not a good idea. So on Monday, the day I'd taken off work, I drove to Nate's to spend the day with Isaac.

It was a beautiful day. Just a tiny bit chilly, but a beautiful day. We had a late breakfast out together, and I loved sitting across the booth from him, watching him steal bites of my food (since I wasn't really interested in eating...still...) off my plate. This may seem a silly thing to say - but it's true. I love being out with the one I love. I randomly stole glances around the restaurant (mostly filled with retirees) and wondered if any of them really saw us. Knew we were a couple. And then I wondered...were we really still a couple?

Nate lives not far from a big park, so we headed there next. We found a deserted picnic shelter and sat at a table together and talked about what the wilderness meant. There were tears...there was confusion...but it was one of those beautiful talks I'll always remember and certainly always cherish.

It became a little chilly under the shade of the shelter, so we went for a walk through the park. I loved walking hand in hand with him...laughing together...feeling like I belonged to him even in all the uncertainty...

We stopped by McDonald's for a frappe and I knew our time together was coming to an end. The knot in my stomach completely took over...and I couldn't even drink the frappe. We went to another little park right by Nate's house and sat at another picnic table to say our goodbyes.

And there, I sobbed. I knew this was goodbye and I couldn't calm the fear. The fear I knew I was supposed to be working on. We prayed together, and before we parted ways, I confided in him that God had called me into a desert of my own. I wanted him to know I was absolutely committed to my part of this journey even if I had to do it on my own.

With that, we said goodbye, and I didn't know when I would see him again.

That drive home took hours, it seemed. When I finally arrived home, I couldn't stand the thought of being inside with walls and a ceiling bearing down on me, so I went for a walk. The sun was gorgeous and I walked for about an hour. The minute I reached my porch after the walk, the tornado sirens went off, and within 15 minutes, an enormous storm blew in.

I hate storms. H-A-T-E storms. But I did not miss the point God wasted no time in making. One doesn't ease into a desert. Boot camp begins. Fear was on the list, and what better place to start than working on the fear of storms?

That night I wrote in my journal, Lord, what a hard day, and yet I must have hope. He said he loves me. He said I’m not losing him. He said he knows he’s the most loved guy on the planet. He said he wants to end up in the Promised Land with me.
And yet I know there’s a measure of doubt within him. I cannot say or do anything to assure him more than I have. I know from here, it has to come from You.

Quiet my heart, sweet Jesus. Help me to rest in the knowledge that YOU are working. Place within his heart a love for me that can only come from You. Guide him in his wilderness. Work mightily in his heart. Hold him just as he has asked You to hold me. Awaken a love for me.

These words in Streams from C.H. Spurgeon – “My situation is urgent, and I cannot see how I will ever be delivered. Yet this is not my concern, for He who made the promise will find a way to keep it. My part is simply to obey His commands, not to direct His ways. I am His servant, not His advisor. I call upon Him and He will deliver me.”

Oh how I cling to the promise that You will rescue me. You will speak to his heart. You will bring him back to me healed and restored.

Psalm 46:10 – “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.” God, help me to be still. To relax. Let go. Trust You. You are God. Be exalted in our love story. Be glorified. Be huge.

Desert

I've gone back and forth about how to share with you the few days that followed the wrestling, and in the end I've decided simply not to share them. I'm skipping ahead. You won't miss any details you need, and I think it's just better this way.

That Sunday after the wrestling, God met me with some very unexpected news. Isaac wasn't the only one who got to do time in the wilderness. I had to go, too. Not where he was, obviously, since God had called him to go there alone. But God had plans for me to go into a wilderness as well. (In time, I came to call my journey a desert...just because it was a different journey than the one Isaac took. So after this post, if you see wilderness, you'll know it's Isaac. If you see desert, you can know it's me. But in the journal entry below, I still called it a wilderness.)

God was very specific with me about the reasons I had to embark on this journey. I wrote them in my journal and want to share them with you exactly as they came to me.

This wilderness isn’t just for him. It’s not a territory I planned to enter, but I’m here nonetheless. I want to be faithful to do well in it. To learn in it. To come out a better person than I was when I went in.

1. Fear. I still am consumed by fear. I am fearful of Isaac's rejection, of losing him by choice or by death. I’m afraid of not being enough for him. I’m afraid of losing a blessing because of my own stupidity. I’m afraid of losing control – and I’m afraid of HAVING control.

2. Trust. Trusting God with my future with Isaac, my future for myself…work…writing…trusting God to work in both our hearts…trusting God to grow us in a wilderness.

3. Confidence. Continuing in my newly discovered belief that I am capable with a partnership with the Lord. Continuing to understand worth and beauty in Him.

4. Hope. Not living in pessimism, but living in the hope of a Promised Land!

I want to further explain a few things to you here, because this where it really all began for me.

Fear. Remember the post in which I told you about the time when I thought Isaac died during our online chat because he quit talking? That was not (by a long shot) the only time in these couple of months that I'd been overtaken by crippling fear that he'd died. I didn't tell you about the others because I didn't want you to judge me. (Or turn my name in to your therapist.) I knew that if I didn't get a handle on my fear in general, it was going to paralyze our relationship. It had already paralyzed my life. And like I said in the journal, I wasn't just worried that he'd die and leave me alone. I was consumed by the fear that he would choose to leave me. I had no idea what I would do if that happened. I'd already lost one relationship in my life. I couldn't bear the thought of failing a second time.

Trust. It's the curse of being on your own for so long, I think. You learn to rely on yourself for everything, because if you don't do it, it just doesn't get done! And as a result, I'd grown far too reliant on my own sense of leading and not nearly reliant enough on the Lord. I couldn't quite feel a sense of comfort or peace in placing my Isaac in the hands of my unseen God and believing that God would take good enough care of him. I believed I could take the best care of him, and I definitely couldn't do that if he was off in a wilderness and I was stuck here. And furthermore, because we'd already talked of getting married, I had no idea what to think about my own future in the lands of work and writing and ministry, because I had no idea where I'd be or how long I'd be there.

Confidence. It's never been my forte. I grew up struggling heavily with self-esteem and while my last decade certainly saw significant growth in that area, I still have a hard time with it. The loss of Isaac to a wilderness shattered my confidence. Though he stressed to me this was NOT the case, I still wondered if it was my fault he had to go there. If it was something I did...or worse..did not do. I still missed his texts and calls of affirmation to the point that I believed the absence of the compliments meant they had ceased to be true about me.

Hope. Ask anyone who knows me well. I can be a pessimist! (Sometimes I like to call it being a realist, but it's really pessimism.) I stood in my living room that Sunday and tried to imagine looking out over my future and could not fathom that it would go well. I just knew that waving goodbye to Isaac as he went into the wilderness would be a permanent goodbye. I had this horrible gut feeling he wouldn't come back. How could I find the Promised Land on the other side of the wilderness? (One of the things he specifically said to me in our talk that night when he told me about the wilderness was that I needed to remember that on the other side of the wilderness was the Promised Land. I told him we better not take 40 years to get there.)

So I was consumed by fear, unable to trust, shattered in confidence and sadly lacking in hope. And God knew the only way to conquer these things was to call me away...into a desert.

Wrestling

The next day was Isaac's birthday. We’d celebrated it already – on that last date we had together, but my heart broke in two that the day did not begin with a ridiculously early morning phone call from me to him…singing off key and wishing him the happiest birthday he’d ever known.

Just as I’d so hoped that driving away from his old home would be a moment of deliverance for him, I hoped this day would be the healing. It was his birthday! How could God let the first day of a new year of life pass by without offering a healing?

I remembered the account of Jacob wrestling with the Lord and that night, I determined I would wrestle. I would wrestle all night long if I needed to, but I would wrestle.

When I walked in the door after work, I did not even step out of my heels before I started pacing the floors of the living room, dining room, and kitchen in an attempt to wrestle with the Father. I cried aloud…I fell on my face on the floor – before the Throne of Heaven…I begged. I quoted Scripture. I did everything I knew to do.

I'd never wrestled before. Not in real life (certainly!) and not spiritually either. Not like that. I didn't know if there was some sort of formula or a method I should be following. (I'm pretty sure there isn't.) But my heart could not have been more sincere than it was that night. I was committed to an all-nighter if need be. I would not stop pounding on Heaven's door on behalf of Isaac. I wouldn't.

I became physically exhausted after hours of pacing, crying, praying, begging, and quoting. But even though I told God I'd keep going, He urged me to stop and rest. Reminded me that resting is sometimes as important as wrestling.

So I crawled into bed with my journal:

Today is Isaac's birthday. Even just a couple of weeks ago, I had dreams of calling him first thing to sing to him…texting back and forth throughout the day…savoring this with him even from a distance.


Clearly that did not happen. The pain and agony in my soul today was so significant that at one point, I literally thought I might have a stroke.


I came home and read the account of Jacob wrestling and then I set about wrestling on my own.


Jesus, Your peace settled over me in that way I have come to know. I claimed Your Name, Your power, your blood against the power of Satan. I claimed Your victory over my life, Isaac's life and our relationship.


Jesus, I want to be respectful of the time You need to work in his heart, but I also believe You can heal him. Please do it for me. Please touch him. Please touch me. Please don’t let Satan gain a foothold in the relationship You have ordained. Please be mighty. I praise You even now for the work You are doing.


Do your work. Be big. Be bold. Be glorious and I will shout Your Name, Lord.


Jesus, I beg for Your mercy. Have compassion on us. Do Your will. Help us to soar.


How do I let go? It’s the question I’ve been asking. Show me how to take my hands off and let You do Your work. Show me how to rest in Your care and believe – unswervingly – that You will do this for us.

I will tell you that as far as I know, nothing specific happened in Isaac's life that night. I don't know for sure...I never asked. But I do not believe anything fell from Heaven and instantly changed his heart. But of this I am sure...those hours of prayers were not wasted. They reached the Throne and somehow, in some way, benefited his life. They were not in vain. They may not have done what I wished they would have as I labored over them. But they were not in vain.

Draw Me, Lord

Writing about the desert journey is hard. I'm excited to go back and relive it from the perspective of seeing in new ways the things I learned...but I sometimes sit here and cry as I write and then re-read through the parts that brought such deep pain at the time. As far as I know, Isaac is still reading this too, and I worry that he'll be upset as he reads some of these details he may not have known. I know in all of this, he never wanted me to hurt. And I don't want to cause pain for him. But at the same time, I have to be honest about the emotions I felt, and at this point in the journey, I felt pain.

So Isaac, if you're reading, please don't be upset with yourself. And please keep reading. I want you to see what our God did.

At this point in relaying the story to the rest of you, I also need the focus to be more on the work God was doing than the love story of Isaac and Bekah.

Monday, I did, in fact, make it all the way through work, and all the way to 8 p.m. before I collapsed into a meltdown. Part of that was initiated by the news that my former roommate had just undergone surgery for a brain tumor. (She's the one I wrote about in the Sunday Splattering post.) I knew she'd been having migraines, but I had no idea she had a tumor. She had no idea either. She went to the ER with a migraine and ended up staying for brain surgery. Not quite what you expect to read on Facebook. And it, piled on top of the rest, unglued me.

That night, I wrote this in my journal. It is the first entry I have found in re-reading my journals that shows how desperately I reached out for intimacy with Jesus in the face of this hurt. Because of that, I love this post.

Fill me, Jesus. I cling to You now. I miss my Isaac terribly. Long to talk with him. Long to be comforted.

My heart is overwhelmed by a combination of grief and hope.

Thank You for getting me through today. For giving me the desire to eat a bit…to walk. To do a couple of chores.

Restore life where Satan has destroyed it. Give me joy and peace.

Work in my Isaac. Speak to his heart. Restore him to me. Blow my mind, Jesus. Be big – be huge even, in this situation. Be the Victor.

I believe. Help Thou my unbelief. Help me to have childlike faith. You will do this. You will be greater than he who seeks to destroy us. Be huge. Be the center.

How do I do this? How do I live with such an ache? How do I move past the hurt and into life again? How, my Jesus?

Certainly not sentences that would thrill the souls of my college professors. Simple, halted, abbreviated thoughts with no transition among them...and yet these are the very sorts of thoughts that I fully believe bring joy to the heart of the Father. Not joy because I was broken-hearted, but joy because I was seeking Him in my brokenness.

He wants us, you know. He wants us to draw near to Him and seek His face. I did not think of this particular song on this day, but it fits perfectly...

This is what He was beginning to do to my heart.

Feeling Punched

I'm a Freelan, through and through. We don't believe in mental health days. So although I felt like I could throw up at any moment, I was not, in fact, throwing up, so just hours after Isaac wandered into his wilderness, I wandered in the front door of my office and willed myself to make it to 5:00.

Lori and Jeff made sure I ate lunch, though I had absolutely no desire to do so. After work, Lori and Cassie took me out for my birthday, since they wouldn't be here for the actual day.

Boy that was one fun party I bet you're sorry you missed!! I loved it that they took me out, but celebration was absolutely the last thing on my mind. I tried to eat some KFC, and we went shopping for a new swimsuit for my upcoming vacation. Not much inspired me to shop – especially for a swimsuit - but I knew it would be good for me to do something nice for myself. And I did find one.

When we came back to my house, Lori gently reminded me that owning a new swimsuit for the ocean would do me no good if I did not have a plane ticket to get to the ocean. I just hadn't possessed the fortitude to book the flight. We got out my computer and looked at flights together. At last I pushed the computer into her lap and told her I just couldn't do it. She booked the flight for me.

Here we are after the booking. Me with my fake smile.



Lori went to my parents' and I went to bed, leaving Cassie, once again, to fend for herself on her fun, fun vacation at Aunt Bekah's. But before I fell asleep, I wrote, God, my heart is breaking in two. I can’t eat or sleep. I can’t even breathe. I love him so deeply and miss him so severely. I wonder over and over if he even THINKS about me. If he even remembers me.


Oh God. I can still feel his hand holding mine. I can hear his whisper and every single thing I hear and see reminds me of our dreams together.

I truly have no idea how I will ever live through this. It is killing me slowly. I have no will to do anything at all.

Why are You asking this of him? Of me? What have we done that warrants this? It feels like punishment. I know, I know, the Lord disciplines those He loves. But oh Jesus. This is the worst pain I’ve ever felt.

Streams was so perfect again today. Help me focus on how You are going to preserve and grow my life.


It is odd for me to write about this from the perspective of "this side" of the journey. Some of you might read what I just wrote and think - man, she's melodramatic. And it's true, I am. But those thoughts were straight from my gut and I still nod when I read them. It is, still to this day, the worst pain I've ever felt, and I've felt some significant anguish of other kinds throughout my life. I did think it would kill me, and that thought was not confined to the day after the exodus into the wilderness. And for those of you who are still Mama-Bear-ing your way through this, please know Isaac had NOT forgotten me. But I wondered over and over if he had.


But I need you to also know this...from the last line of that journaling. Jesus DID preserve and grow me in that time. He did.

Saturday promised to be a long day. That morning, I had to go to a birthday party for Faith’s daughter, Hannah, who was turning five. The very last thing I wanted to do was actually get ready and be social, but I had to do it. In fact, the only way I bribed myself into feeling good enough to leave the house was to cut bangs for myself before I left. I thought maybe a new look would help my heart.
It didn't.
The party was at the church I used to go to, and most of the guests were friends from that church – people I don’t often see. They all asked how I was doing, and it was literally impossible to hold back the tears. The assistant pastor, Brian, gave me a hug and I held on forever, not wanting to look him or anyone else in the face again…ever. I just wanted to stay hidden in that hug.

Here I am with Faith (mama of the birthday girl) after melting down on Pastor Brian.





After that, I had to go home and face the loneliness. Lori, Jeff, and especially Cassie, were very good to take care of me as much as they could, but the truth was, they were in the state for a wedding, so they did have to attend that. I made the best of the hours I was alone…but I was so anxious for them to come back.


That night, when it was just Cassie and me together, I made her go to Wal Mart with me. I needed to go grocery shopping but the mere thought of going into that place brought about panic I couldn’t even describe. I knew I could do it if she went with me, so my aunt-of-the-year award continued with our Wal Mart date. To make up for it, I took her to Culvers for a mixer and then we rented a movie – The Proposal – no less, and tried to have a normal sort of night.

That night I tried to write…I feel a bit better. Still heartbroken. Still scared. But, so drained that I’m able to sit back and resign this to You a bit more than I had done. I’ve been unable to function. Sick with grief. Going through the motions. Can’t think. Can’t sleep. Can’t eat. Can only cry.


I have prayed and prayed and prayed today and know I must let go. I must let God be at work.

I’m so tired tonight I’m not even sure I can write. Remembered today the verses he shared with me on our date at Nate's...from Romans 5. “Not only so, but we rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.” Man. Think of the CHARACTER I’ll have!

Sunday morning, Cassie and I got ready and headed to church. I sat quietly in Sunday School and spent most of church biting my lip trying not to cry. Well, and praying for Isaac.
After church, we went to Mom and Dad’s for lunch. I put on my bravest face, tried to eat…


...and then said goodbye to Lori and Jeff, who had to get back on the road to Kansas.

After I left Mom and Dad's, I went to an open house for my friend Olivia and her boyfriend, Tom, who were just about to graduate from college. I hated showing up with puffy eyes, but being with others was preferable to facing my big lonely house, so I went.

Still unwilling to face home, I went to Ronda’s. She and Jonathan were watching Chad and Megan’s baby, and we all packed in the car and went to Dairy Queen for a Blizzard. Jonathan told me that the same day Isaac went into his wilderness, he received some tough news himself. Poor Ronda. She had drama on all sides. But ice cream solves everything, right? Jonathan and I did our best to drown our sorrows in it...but neither one of us successfully finished our order.

At last I had to face going home to an empty house, no matter how much it hurt. I scratched in my journal, To write my heart’s thoughts right now, Lord, even to You…is gut-wrenching. The ache and misery I feel even committing these words to paper is more than I feel I can take.

One month ago – he told me he loved me. And today – silence. Oh Jesus. Precious Jesus. Hold me now. Meet me in this pit of anguish.

Jesus, I need a miracle. I need Your touch of mercy to rain down over Isaac. HELP!!!

I had no idea how I was going to get out of bed and go to work on Monday morning. My company was gone. I’d not been alone since the wilderness began. And I knew work wouldn’t be “alone” but I just wasn’t sure I could do it.

A Sunday Splattering

Yes, I spelled that right. The last couple of weeks, I've given you a Sunday "smattering." But I have a lot to say today. So it's a splattering. :)

Last week I told you all about my trip to the Bed & Breakfast in Middlebury. So I'll pick this up where that left off...

After I left the B&B, I headed over to the flea market at Shipshewana to meet up with my friends, the Smith clan. (They're the ones of lake fame that you've read about on here before.)

At the flea market, I hung out with Jonathan (who, contrary to popular opinion, is NOT Isaac. He does know that some of you have asked if he IS Isaac, and he's at least amused by that story)....


...and Jonathan's brother-in-law, Chad. The rest of the family was there, but Jonathan and Chad said that for the span of time we were at the flea market, I needed to be "one of the guys," so they just kept me with them. They were much fun to hang out with, even if they DID pick on me relentlessly.

We got tired of walking (and they got tired of trying out all the hot pepper dip samples, which I respectfully declined) so we parked in some Adirondack chairs for sale. I like to think we helped make them look more appealing.

Later, we met up with the rest of the family at the cornhole merchandise tent. Khi (Chad's son) fully immersed himself in the art of cornhole.

We left Shipshewana to head back to the lake. The family all rode together, but Jonathan came with me to keep me company and to catch me up on life, since we'd not talked much in a couple of weeks. We encountered a pretty bad accident on the highway and had to detour. At Jonathan's suggestion, our detour took on a life of its own, and before long, we were here:

...which was not only NOT a highway...but it was A GRAVEL ROAD. I am confident the only reason this whole debacle took place was because he wanted to show off what his new phone's GPS could do. Men and their toys. Sigh.

Upon arriving at the lake, I took part in my first ever cornhole game. (As you might guess...they're Colts fans.) This is Jonathan and his brother, Austin. And the lake.

The lovely ladies of cornhole. Yours truly alongside Austin's girlfriend, Katy. I mean Precious. :)

Katy had skill. I did not.

Jonathan tried to teach Khi how to play...

Khi had other plans.

This concludes the photo-tour of that particular day.

Last Saturday, I made my way to Indianapolis to visit my friend Kristin. It was a very full day. We picked up my replacement camera (mine could not be fixed, so they replaced it at no charge - SWEET!), listened to the new Gaither Vocal Band album (which she owns and I, for reasons unknown to me, do not yet), went to SONIC!!!!!!!!!!!! and had a hair treatment party. (a.k.a. Dye the white roots.)

While at the Sonic, her car's battery gave way, and we were stuck and frustrated. A family was eating at one of the tables nearby and I was convinced they were laughing at us every time she tried to start the car, so I was a bit miffled with them. However, in the end, the man came over and offered to use the battery booster he had in his car to help us. I'd never seen such a thing before, but when the car took right off after about two seconds of use, I decided I'm a huge fan. And if the guy really WASN'T laughing at us when I thought he was, I do apologize.

Sunday, as you may or may not have seen here, was my very first book signing at my church. The whole church family was incredibly supportive and I thoroughly enjoyed the day!

This week has been extremely busy at work, as we've gotten ready to welcome students back to campus. Wednesday, however, was busy for another reason. Every year, right before the fall semester begins, we have an all-campus convocation for the employees. They talk about the highlights and accomplishments of the past year, and they hand out awards for years of service and also to reward some employees for hard work.

Guess who was up for a years-of-service award this year?

Yep. My ten years of service were about to be recognized.

Y'all..I was petrified. I've been dreading this day since last year's convocation. People actually have fallen flat on their faces before while going up to accept these awards, and I was terrified I'd be the next one people talked about for years and years.

Our president, Henry Smith, and his wife, Teresa, hand out the awards personally every year...

I was called up FOURTH of all the people (and there were probably almost 30 of us) to receive the award from President Smith. And I made it without killing/maiming myself!

Then there is the issue of how to stand gracefully and wait for all the rest....

This is Jim Lo - love hearing him speak! He presented a devotional before communion and I thought it was outstanding.

Back in the office and opening my present...a Cross pen. Pretty appropriate for a writer, huh?

Our secretary, Lynette, also received a 10-years-of-service award. We are the only two from the original Financial Aid crew still together!

Thursday and Friday, we welcomed freshmen back to campus. Loved seeing them all move in! Loved it that I wasn't one of them! (God bless adulthood. I do love it so.)

Yesterday was a beautifully lazy day at home. My friend Olivia and I are reading Beth Moore's book Believing God, and yesterday morning we spent an hour on the phone dissecting chapter two. (We no longer live in the same state, so we do our studies via phone now.) Love her insights on the book!

After we hung up, I hunkered down in the office and finished tweaking Volume One of a ladies' Bible study I wrote a couple of years ago. My friend Julie suggested it to her ladies' group as a possibility of something to study, so I had to get it ready to print. I'm so excited that this group was willing to take a chance on an unpublished study from an unknown-to-them author! I have wanted to try the study on a group, and even though Julie will be teaching it and I won't be there, I can't wait to hear their feedback!

I'm also ready to get back into writing Volume Two! I stopped writing on it a few months back when one of the chapters stumped me, but now I'm ready to try again.

And to round out the week, I had dinner with my former roommate, Angela, last night. We've lived apart for six years now, and she's currently living in Michigan while she pursues her PhD. She was diagnosed with brain cancer earlier this year and is undergoing treatment for that. I am so proud of her for her tenacity in the face of this trial. She is definitely an inspiration! It was great to catch up with her. (And as a side note, I ordered a salad, which came in a SERVING BOWL. It was bigger than a salad I would serve to an entire group of company I'd have at my house. Needless to say, most of that bad boy came home in a box.)

Wilderness...

This post has been very hard for me to write. Everything I've told you up to now was necessary for you to understand why my heart felt the things it did on the day I'm about to share with you. It is also admittedly very strange for me to share some of these thoughts with you given that I just told you Isaac and I are no longer together. But this is where the new road of the journey began. And as you read, I ask you to do so with an open heart and much love.



Thursday was a busy day in my life, but not in my heart. I went to work, though my mind was not focused on it. My whole family met up at Fazoli’s for lunch and I tried to eat – and tried to hide that about four bites was all I could muster. That night they met at IHOP for dinner and I shoveled as much as I could eat as quickly as I could eat it – because Isaac had promised to call, and that was really all I cared about.

After dinner, everyone else scattered for the night, but Cassie (my niece) stayed with me and we elected to have a hair coloring party. Here we were, pre-coloring:

The plan was for Cassie to dye my hair first, since I was the one sporting actual white roots, and then when I was done, I'd work on hers. She fixed me all up, I marinated, and then of course as I was mid-rinse, my phone rang. Isn't that how it always happens? It was Isaac. I asked if I could call him right back and continued my adventure. Once I was safely back to a real color, I scurried upstairs to my other bathroom (the farthest possible point from Cassie) and called him back.

You should know that the bathroom where I hid is ridiculously small. You can literally use the bathroom, wash your hands and shave your legs all at once. No room to pace. No room to really do much of anything. Add a shut door and a loud fan, and you start to feel fairly confined. It was probably the best possible place for me...

I could tell by the tone of his voice that something was very wrong. And I knew his heart enough to know what was coming, though I hoped with everything in me I was wrong. His voice sagged with a heaviness I'd never heard before, and through much brokenness, he told me he just couldn’t. He couldn’t even make it to our date the following weekend. He couldn’t do the relationship.

One thing I've learned through this part of the journey is a that a lot of you who love me develop severe Mama-Bear syndrome during the revelation of news like this. To those of you who may be bristling right now, I need you to keep reading and to keep your hearts open.

He made it very clear that this was not because of me. Over and over, he assured me I’d done everything right. (I'll be the first to tell you I most certainly did not do everything right, but I also appreciated his earnestness in telling me otherwise.) I’d been the perfect girlfriend, he said. He’d never been more loved. I was the Proverbs 31 woman. He took full responsibility. I need you to know that he did give me some reasons behind his decision, and I need you to trust me that they were real and valid. I am not willing to share them publicly because they are not mine to share and I want to be very respectful of his privacy where those things are concerned. But know that they did exist and I did accept them, despite how much they hurt. Over and over, he told me he was sorry.

He said the song by FFH – the one I’d shared with him – was the very song God had used to show him that he needed to go into a wilderness, and he needed to go alone. He had to submit to God’s leading and let Him work.

I hated that stupid song.

Halfway through the call, I came down the stairs with wet, matted, newly-colored hair, sporting my pink fuzzy bathrobe, and a puffy, tear-streaked face. I put my hand over the phone and told Cassie to call her mom and tell her to come back to my house. I just needed my sister.

I'm going to interrupt my story here to explain that last sentence. I think most of you who read my blog know that ours is a rather unusual family...in that I am the "second family." My two sisters were born 16 and 18 years before I showed up, so I was mostly raised as an only child. I love having sisters, but because of our age gap, we never had the type of relationship where we needed one another that way.

And yet on this night, I needed my big sister. And any other night of the year, she'd be in her home, a full sixteen hours away from me. How good of God to bring her to Indiana that weekend.

Cassie nodded and grabbed her phone, and I went back upstairs and resumed the call with Isaac. What I'm about to say is not my most mature argument ever, and I almost deleted it out of sheer embarrassment. But I'm leaving it in because maybe I need to be embarrassed...and I also need you to know how positive I was that this relationship was God's plan.

One of the reasons I can share with you that Isaac cited as a need for a desert was the presence of soul-wounds that had nothing to do with me. He didn't feel able to commit his whole heart to me until they were healed. I told him I didn’t care if he couldn’t give me his whole heart right then. I’d take whatever he could give – even if it was just a quarter of the thing. He said that wasn’t fair to me. I didn’t really care. What wasn’t fair was that he was walking away. That wasn’t fair. He needed me. Didn’t he see that? God had told me we were meant for each other. He had!

At last, knowing I could never win an argument that had God backing it from the other side, I gathered all my determination and said to Isaac, “You can go if God is calling you. I can’t stop you or argue with Him. But He will bring you back. He will. We were created to be together and He WILL bring you back.”

Isaac said he hoped so. Told me he did love me and he still thought I was beautiful. Told me to not regret anything I did – that I’d been nothing but wonderful to him.

I asked him if he would still come to visit the first weekend in May, as we had scheduled. I knew he had specific plans in the area that were bringing him this way, and I knew they still stood. We had planned to spend Saturday and Monday together. I’d already taken the day off work. He said he didn’t think it was a good idea to go through with it. I dissolved into tears and begged him to come. I couldn’t bear the thought of canceling that vacation day – or worse, being home alone during that day. I don't know if he agreed because he hated hearing me cry or because he felt bad...but for some merciful reason, he changed his mind and said he'd be there. I thanked him profusely. (Yes, I do know now how pitiful that was...but I couldn't see it at the time.)

The call ended just as Lori stepped up on the porch. I fell, sobbing, into her arms and tried to explain what the phone call had been about. She sat beside me on the couch while Cassie sat in the chair across the room and listened.

You should know that Lori is my complete personality opposite. She is extraordinarily calm about everything. I’m not sure how we’re related. She listened to everything Isaac had said to me and then she looked at me and said, “He’ll be back. He will. He will come back.”

I hiccuped, “How do you know?”

She said, “He just will. I know. But you need to give him something to come back to.”

I nodded and tried to wipe away tears and snot. I could not envision this ending her way at all, but I wanted to.

Lori stayed until it appeared I was not a risk to myself or to Cassie, and then she left. I apologized to Cassie for being the world’s worst aunt, excused myself for the night, and went to my room to journal.

My heart breaks and yet rejoices. Isaac called and we both cried while he told me You have called him into a time of wilderness. And I can’t go. He has to go it alone with You. But Father, I still believe You have a plan for us as a couple. I believe You created us for each other and we must forge ahead.

I will let him go into the wilderness with You, believing with all my heart that You will bring him back to me, healed and restored as You promised. I trust You with his heart, his life, his future.

Streams quoted Job – “Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him.” And I will. I trust You with my Isaac.


Be gentle with his heart. Grow him into the man I know he can be. The man You have created him to be. Make him Yours. Make me Yours.



This one last piece, I share with you, because it is key for later.




That night, as I prayed, God also whispered to my heart that this healing and restoration would come about by the fourth of July. I clarified – “2010?” Yes. This fourth of July. That was over two months away. I couldn’t even make it two weeks without seeing Isaac. How could I survive over two months?

Moving

As Isaac prepared to move away from me...

...God began to move in me.

He didn't waste time.

One of the things I love about our campus is the little prayer chapel.







A couple of years ago, I went to this chapel on my lunch hour every Tuesday. God did some amazing work in my heart that year. And now, as my 40 days of silent driving (for Lent) had just drawn to a close, God began to urge my heart to bring back the prayer chapel visits to continue teaching me about those times of silent communion.


I knew this was the week I needed to begin. So when Tuesday arrived, I made my way across campus and to the front of the chapel...down on my knees at the altar.


While I was there, God convicted me in a significant way about how I’d been acting toward Isaac. How I'd been pressing him so much about the relationship when there were much more important things happening in his world. I was selfish and God needed me to knock it off, plain and simple.


It's never a comfortable thing to be rebuked, but I needed to be, and God did it. And I don't know how else to say this, and I know it is ridiculously cliche, but I felt a literal weight lift from my shoulders at the altar as I confessed that sin to the Lord. It was a tangible thing . Never experienced anything quite like it prior to that day.


After work, I had to make a humbling phone call to Isaac to apologize for bombarding him during this time when he was so overwhelmed with life in general. I wish you could truly know how kind his heart is. Even though he had every right to be annoyed with me, he accepted my apology without question and I knew I was completely forgiven.


Isaac moved on Wednesday . That was also the day my family was scheduled to come in from out of state for a visit. (Totally a God-thing, it turned out.) My niece was staying with me for the entire weekend, and my sister and brother-in-law would be staying that first night, too. I had some major cleaning to do before they arrived, so it became my Wednesday evening project.

It was good, really. It kept my mind a tiny bit away from the fact that Isaac was moving away into the great unknown. I prayed so specifically the entire day – asking God – begging God to literally lift a weight for Isaac like He had done for me the day before. I prayed that as he drove his SUV out of town, the weight of whatever seemed to hold onto him would roll off his shoulders and remain left behind. I prayed he would drive away from the bondage and into a glorious freedom. As you might have guessed by now, I'm all about the symbolic. I like specific things I can point to and say "That was God at work." And I wanted that for Isaac. I wanted him to feel liberated.
While I waited for my family to arrive, I journaled these words:



These last two days have held emotion like I haven’t known in years. Waiting…trying not to contact him…praying over our situation…Oh God – this is so hard! Why are You doing this? Today was his official moving day and I prayed unceasingly for healing for his soul.

My soul groans with the uncertainty of it all. How can I go from feeling so loved to feeling so confused? I rest in Your peace. Streams today was perfect. Every word of it was meant for me – about holding fast and being courageous and unwavering – believing in Your promises. Help me. I can’t even write.

What is Happening?

I knew Sunday was going to be the first in a series of difficult days for Isaac. I knew it would be hard for him to say goodbye to the people at his church, and I could envision it all the more, since the Sunday before, I'd worshiped in that church with him.

I thought I would hear from him several times throughout the day, as he had breaks in between meeting with people, but I didn't hear much. And the knot in my stomach grew larger with each silent moment. In fact, that evening, I spent about three hours pacing the width of my bedroom, alternating between thinking out loud and praying out loud, trying through either method to grasp what was happening in my suddenly not-so-perfect world.

At last, I paused, sat on the bed, and pulled out my journal: My heart overflows with emotion, Jesus. This weekend was harder than I ever expected it to be. It was not the date I planned. I felt I did not live up to the expectations I have for myself as a girlfriend (perhaps therein lies the key phrase) and I feel scared. Satan has come after me with a vengeance. Protect me. Thank You for getting him through this day. Please watch over him wherever he is right now. Keep him safe and bring him back home so we can talk. I miss him. I wish I had real words to convey the rest of what my heart feels. Help me.
He didn't come home until very late, and bless his heart, even though he was perfectly exhausted physically and emotionally from the day, he logged onto Skype without hesitation and we began to talk. I asked him what was wrong and though he tried to assure me he was okay, I knew he wasn't. I knew his heart and I knew it was breaking. Finally, he shared that he felt he was unable to offer what I wanted...what I needed...what I deserved...in a relationship.

Most of my heart expected that response. But the part of my heart that loved him so and knew how stress-filled his life was in that moment couldn't bear to let him walk away. I've heard over and over that you should never make major life decisions during times of major life change. He was moving. Leaving his job. Starting a whole new life that in that moment was largely saturated with complete unknowns. It made sense to me that he wouldn't feel able to offer a relationship what it deserved. After all, relationships are about commitment and provision and forward-thinking. It's hard to do any of those things when your entire world is in upheaval.

The three or more hours I'd spent thinking/pacing/praying prior to our Skype call had certainly prepared me for this discussion. I managed to talk with him calmly and I didn't cry...which was just...well, it was a Christmas miracle.

After a couple hours of talking, we agreed that for the time being, we wouldn't make any changes. We wouldn't break up. We wouldn't even "take a break." We weren't Ross and Rachel. :) We would just take life one day at time and in a couple of weeks, when our next scheduled date arrived, we would see how things were going.

The next day, I journaled in pure desperation,

I can’t even bring myself to relive the past 24 hours. The doubts Isaac has had, the worry I’ve had that he is breaking up with me – oh wow. This is a bump in the road I did not envision. This is heartache and pain. And yet I don’t’ want to give up. I want to hang tight. I want to keep trying.
(Reminder...this next part is pivotal because Psalm 37 was the chapter that God had pressed on my heart way back in February as I was first hearing about this man named Isaac...)

How I should be reading Streams these days! I don’t remember the last time I did…

…and yesterday’s verse came from Psalm 37! Verse 5 – “Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him and he will do this.” And it says, “I once believed that after I prayed, it was my responsibility to do everything in my power to bring about the answer. Yet God taught me a better way and showed me that self-effort always hinders His work. He also revealed to me that when I prayed and had confident trust in Him for something, He simply wanted me to wait in an attitude of praise and do only what He told me. Sitting still, doing nothing, except trusting in the Lord causes a feeling of uncertainty, and there is often a tremendous temptation to take the battle into our own hands…often we fail to give God an opportunity to work, not realizing that it takes time for Him to answer prayers.” Wow. How true and how opposite of this I have acted!

And today’s: - Exodus 14:13 – “Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today.” It says, “The Master’s Word to me is ‘Stand firm.’ And the best thing I can do at these times is to listen only to my Master’s word, for others will come to me with their suggestions and evil advice. Idleness will come, crying ‘Get up and do something!’ To stand firm and wait is sheer idleness. Why is it I must think I need to be doing something right now instead of looking to the Lord? He will not only do something – He will do everything.

Jesus, waiting is not my forte. I know the passion of my heart and desire to marry Isaac. But help me to keep my eye focused on You. Jesus, this work You’re doing in me is excruciating. I hurt in ways I couldn’t have imagined. And yet I welcome the pain because I know You are at work in it.

Heavy Heart

I came home from my visit to Isaac's town on Sunday evening. Tuesday morning was the first time I cracked open my prayer journal since I'd closed it up the night before I went to see him. I wrote, Days since I’ve written…my mind has literally been so full that I haven’t known how to let words spill over. Now it’s 6:30 in the morning and my heart aches for him – for me. This week is so tough on him. Saying goodbye…closing a chapter…facing the unknown…not feeling well…God, please sustain him. Uphold him. Love him. Comfort him.

And that night, I wrote, Jesus, I want to have Your confidence. I want to know who I am in You and I want to exude that confidence to him so he can know he can trust me. I want to be the Proverbs 31 woman. I want to be who You made me to be. Help me.

Seriously. I had no clue what I was asking.

Wednesday was a big day in Bekahland, and I share this part with you only because it proves pivotal for a later detail. That was the day I received an email from WestBow Press...and it held the first view of my book cover. I squealed with excitement in my office and even before I had a chance to call my parents or show anyone at work, I knew I wanted to tell Isaac and show him. I emailed it to him and waited for him to have a break in packing his office so he could look at it. He emailed back, “WOW!!! The book looks so great! I'm very proud of you!! I can't wait for it to actually be in your hands. Love, Isaac."

I cannot tell you what it meant to me to be able to share that moment with him. It was a dream I never thought would be realized in my life. (Both the book itself and the chance to share such a thing with someone who loved me!)

And even though I was excited about this event in my life, I also wanted to remain focused on the relationship that already felt the first strains tugging at it. I wrote, Jesus, teach me how to love him. Unite our souls. Raise him up to be the leader You know he can be. Create confidence within him that will push him closer to You. Release him from fear, Jesus. And please cultivate in me a spirit of support. 

We had a habit of praying together on the phone every night before we went to sleep. Normally he prayed first and then I'd pray. But one night, he asked if I could just do the praying. I was happy to do so, but I knew that meant his heart was extra weighed down, so before I went to bed, I wrote this verse out as a prayer over his sweet and aching soul: Psalm 57:2 – “I cry out to God Most High, to God, who fulfills his purpose for me.” God, please fulfill Your purpose for him. Open doors wide so he can see where You desire him to go. Send Your love and faithfulness to rain down over him.

That Friday, I packed up the car once again, and after work, I drove down to Nate's where Isaac and I met up for a date. We went to dinner at Texas Roadhouse and then watched a Gaither DVD (yep! He's a Gaither appreciator!). I gave him the rest of his birthday presents, even though his birthday was still a few days away. Some he opened right then and some he had to save for the actual day.

We had less than 24 hours together that weekend, and Nate and his wife were hosting a houseful of other family members and friends too, so we had very little privacy to talk. He was heavy-hearted from his pending move, and I was heavy-hearted knowing something was wrong between us that went beyond the strain of his move...but not knowing quite what it was or how to address it.

Saturday, our final time together was spent at a table at McDonald's, where I did my best to bravely eat and not cry, even though I knew in my soul something was horribly wrong. I tried to comfort myself with the task at hand, which was looking over our calendars and trying to figure some times in May and June when we could see each other. I figured if he was interested in planning times to see me, things surely couldn't be too bad.

But I just felt sick.

Road Trip Date

I told you yesterday that we were both struggling in our hearts. I'd never done a long-distance relationship before and I don't know if he had either, but it certainly presented a number of challenges. It was hard to develop a sense of normalcy when the only time we could spend time together had to be outside our normal worlds. I craved being able to be in his world - even for a little bit. I appreciated the opportunities to meet for dinner or to spend time at Nate's and in so doing, be able to spend time together, but it wasn't real, you know? Sometimes I felt like I was on my own version of The Bachelor. (Minus the 25 other women. And the limos. And the smut. Okay so it really wasn't anything like The Bachelor.)

In an attempt to see what it would be like to have some normalcy, I asked Isaac if he wanted me to come visit the weekend after Easter. I knew he only had two weekends left before he moved, and I really wanted to see where he lived and worked before he left. And I sensed that as much as I wanted to do so, being there the very last week wouldn’t be the best plan. So we talked about it, and he said he'd see if it would work. (Since he was getting ready to move, people were trying to arrange times with him in his last days there, and he needed to make sure he wasn't already supposed to be somewhere with someone that weekend.)

The next day, as I waited for him to figure out if this trip was a yes or a no, God really began to work in my heart concerning Isaac. Really began to prompt (and I had no idea how many weeks this prompting would take before it took) me to let go of my desire to control the relationship – and him.

I said in my journal, I feel like I need to really reconnect with You. I feel so anxious in my spirit to be with him – to speed things up so we can be together. Like Kari said the other day…I need to focus on the fact that now I have a name to put with the dream – and not wish away this time so much.

I’m so grateful for the talk we had tonight about things of You. I loved sharing openly and I know he really will give thought to what I say. Please move in his heart. Guide him.
Lord, please lead us.
This next part is not something I'm proud of, but it shows how disconnected from the Lord I really was, and perhaps reveals why God chose the path He did for my immediate future. I wrote, Jesus, I am struggling. Help me.

And though I cried out for His help, that was the last word I spoke to Him in my prayer journal for five days. Terrible.

It turned out that I did get to visit him that weekend, so Friday morning, I loaded up the car, and the moment the clock struck noon, I shut down my computer, locked my office, and hit the open road. Remember my disdain of driving? I hopped on that interstate with barely a second thought, drove around the entire metropolis of Indianapolis and then headed the rest of the way (about another three hours beyond that) with only a set of printed directions from my email inbox. No map. No GPS. Just some emailed instructions and my phone in case I got lost.

Our Bekah is growing up!

I rolled into town right around 5 p.m. and drove up to Isaac's apartment. He met me at the car with a hug and helped me carry in some bags. I gave him a way-early-birthday gift: the scrapbook I'd been making of our dates together. NO it was not like the one in How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days, although later I sort of felt like it might have appeared that way. Even so, he loved it. He gave me a tour of his apartment and we talked for a long, long time.

Eventually we got in his SUV and headed out of town to dinner at Longhorn Steakhouse. Then he took me to his favorite Christian bookstore and we did some shopping. He bought me Francis Chan’s book Crazy Love, because we were going to start reading it in our Sunday School class.
We went home to his apartment, watched a movie and late that evening, he drove with me just outside town to the Motel 6 where I agreed to stay. I don’t love a Motel 6, but he was worried about the amount of money I was spending on this adventure and I knew I’d only be at the hotel long enough to sleep, so I agreed to go low-end. It turned out to be quite the adventure, later in the weekend.

I awakened super early Saturday morning (which may be the only time you ever see that in print) and beelined it out of the bed (did I mention the bedspread had the actual Motel 6 insignia on it?), threw everything in the car, since I was NOT trusting the Motel 6 with my worldly goods for a whole day, and sped to Isaac's to see him.

We spent the morning hanging out at his apartment. I got ready while he went for boxes to continue his packing. He took me on a brief tour of town, and then he surprised me by taking me to a Japanese restaurant. It was the kind of restaurant where you sit around a grill with a bunch of other people and they cook for you right there. I loved it. I'd never seen anything like it before.

He drove me all around the area – showing me places he knew I’d love…and he told me later that drive was his favorite part of the day.

When we got home, we talked, dreamed, watched movies, and loved life. That evening we brought home some Papa Johns and some moose tracks ice cream and had a picnic on the living room floor. I hated going back to the motel. Hated it. But he was nice enough to take me back so I didn’t have to go in alone.

Sunday morning, I awakened early, texted him (which actually woke him up…he had overslept) and proceeded to get ready. You might remember this next part of the story because I think I wrote about it before, but it's too good to leave out! I plugged in my flat iron in the bathroom and was working on ironing my shirt when I smelled something odd. I sniffed around and traced the odd aroma to the bathroom – where thick black smoke was billowing out of my flat iron. Not good. Not wanting to set off the sprinklers in the place and thus ostracize myself from every other occupant, I ripped the cord out of the wall and waved ferociously. I didn’t want to put the iron in the trash can and catch it on fire, but neither did I want the housekeepers to think they’d stumbled upon a forgotten treasure, so I left a note on the iron marking it trash and hoped my hair was straight enough for the day.

I checked out of the motel, found a gas station, loaded up on coffee and a donut, and headed back to a park Isaac had taken me to the day before. I sat under a tree and ate while I texted him. I visited his church that morning and then went back to his apartment, where we ate leftovers for lunch and spent the afternoon watching movies, and having a couple of intense, but necessary talks.

Mid-afternoon, it was time for me to go so I could still get home at a decent hour. Leaving was hard. I knew I’d get to see him in four days, which helped, but I still hated going – especially knowing I wouldn’t be coming back to that place, ever. I had to stop at the gas station on my way out of town to fill up and even while I pumped gas, Isaac texted, “ I miss you. I love you.” I wanted to turn that car around and go right back, but I knew I couldn’t.

I cried all the way home – first on the phone to Mom and then to each of my sisters. This was becoming a draining thing – this leaving. And yet, I loved the part before the leaving enough to put up with it.

Tender Scriptures and Lessons

Hopefully those of you in need of picture posts are satisfied...between the retreat recap and the pictures of the book signing. Now I have to tend to the desert-reading crowd.

Before I continue, I need to say this. I have wrestled back and forth about whether or not to put this bit of information in here right now, but I'm choosing to include it. My reasons for doing so are many and maybe someday I'll post why. You need to know that in present day life, Isaac and I are not together. The journey is no less valid and certainly no less real because of it, but it's important to me that you know it at this point. I hope you'll keep reading anyway, because the whole point of this story is not supposed to be about Isaac and me anyway. It's supposed to be about what I learned in my desert.

In case you've forgotten, the last part of the story you read was when Isaac and I had a date at Nate's. Something you may not remember (because I haven't mentioned it for a while) is that Isaac was right in the middle of a big life/job change. At this point in telling you the story, he was about three weeks away from his last day at his job - and from moving, as well. Obviously events of that magnitude create all sorts of emotions within a person...

...Emotions that I can't understand because I've never experienced something just like that before. I tried my best to use my imagination and feel what he was feeling, but I couldn't quite grasp it.

What I did begin to grasp in the two weeks that followed that date, was just the beginning of something God was about to unleash in my life: the soothing teaching of Scripture and the personal distribution of lessons from His Hand to my heart.

The first instance came in our Sunday School class. I don't remember what we studied that day, but we talked about these two verses... John 15:7-8: “If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish and it will be given to you. This is to my Father’s glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.”

The word remain appears NINE times in that section of John 15. NINE. If God mentions something NINE times, chances are good He wants you to notice it. I took a pencil and underlined each appearance of the word remain in my new Bible. And since the Bible I'd chosen to purchase was a key word study Bible, I took the opportunity to look up the word remain in the lexical aids in the back just to see what it meant.

I found this: to abide, dwell, endure, last, persevere, stand firm, wait for, hold out, be patient. I had no idea in that moment, God was about to teach me, hands-on, what it meant to remain in Him. In that moment, I was much more interested in the part of the verse that said I could ask whatever I wished and it would be given to me. I had a list.

Later that week, I struggled heavily with what to do in this relationship. I was here and he was there. I was dealing with a significant family situation, and Isaac was dealing with his pending move. Our relationship was brand new and neither of us knew quite how to be what the other needed. And as I sorted through it all, I happened to think of this verse that I learned many years ago: "...I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that he is able to guard what I have entrusted to him for that day." - 2 Timothy 1:12

When I was growing up, one of my pastors was a loving man named Fred Littlefield. I was in upper elementary/lower junior high when he and his sweet wife, Naomi, were at our church, but I have never forgotten this one thing he said in a sermon: If we deposit Scripture in our memory bank, God will withdraw it at just the right time. And when that verse from 2 Timothy popped in my mind, I remembered Fred's words, too, and knew they were very true. I was thankful I'd taken time to commit that verse to memory earlier in my life so it could come back to me that day when I needed the reminder of His sovereignty.

The Saturday before Easter started out with a very sweet prayer time with the Lord in the early (well…for me…) morning. I wasn’t used to beginning a day with prayer and had no idea that in the days to come, such prayers would be so necessary to even get out of bed. I journaled as I sat in bed: Teach me, Lord. I can’t sleep. I’m waiting for my good morning call, and I’m having a very precious time of hearing Your voice speak to me. Like Isaac and I talked about, our job is to complement each other. Your job is to complete us. Help me to release my Isaac to you. He’s not mine. He’s a gift from You. Help me to release control of him to You. You see what I need in my heart and life. Compel his heart to be that for me. Teach him to lead. Teach him to trust. Teach him to comfort me. And teach me to let go.
I had no idea in the world what I asked for either one of us with that prayer. And honestly, had I known, I never would have prayed it. The beauty of God’s mystery.

Later that day, I had this experience, which I blogged about back at the time, but I want to mention it again, because it came to be significant in the desert.

Today I came home from helping decorate the church for Easter, and I laid down on the bed, my heart vacillating between fear and peace. I didn't even say words out loud...I just asked God in a heart-whisper to please teach me. Please speak to me. Please show me how to gain victory in this situation.

And He did.

He reminded me of something I heard long ago and had completely forgotten about until I asked for help today. I don't know if someone told me this or if I read it somewhere, but I remember learning that someone struggling with fear and control learned to open her hand. Physically open her hand until her palm was flat toward the sky and her fingers spread wide. And in that physical act of opening her hand, she learned to let go. Let go of the fear. Let go of the control. Let go of whatever consumed her. It reminded her of Who really is in control.

And so, stretched out on my bed, I uncurled my hand and spread my palm wide toward Heaven. And I knew He had everything in His hand...and was much more able to work with me now that I'm not trying to run the show.
I loved those visual lessons. I needed them. And I was about to get more.

Easter Sunday night, Isaac called to say he wasn't feeling well at all. I hated being so far away when he felt sick. I wanted to be there, with him, to take care of him, but the geographical distance separating us made that impossible. Instead, I wrote in my journal the only thing I knew to do...I’m praying Ephesians 3:14-16 over him right now – “For this reason I kneel before the Father from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his spirit in your inner being.” Jesus, strengthen him. Hold him now. Hold me. Show me how to love him.

Book Signing!

Just a note...I had my first book signing today! Details here. Check it out!