Sunday, May 6, 2007

In the last two days, I’ve tried to get chicken nuggets out of the ice cube trays, fished for a drinking glass in the coffee filter drawer, and stopped at a green light. This is in addition to multiply losing my train of thought, going through more Puffs Plus with Aloe than in a normal cold and flu season, and being unable to stop my brain long enough to sleep – even when it’s two in the morning.

No, it’s not early onset Alzheimer’s. It’s…shock? As mentioned in the two posts below, my sister Lori and her family lost their home, their church, and their entire town Friday night when the now-famous tornado ripped through Greensburg, Kansas. Greensburg. A Mayberry-esque town that my sister always credited with being the place no one knew. She was more than a little shocked when I told her yesterday that it was on Fox…CNN…MSNBC…all the channels.

When my Dad called Friday night to tell me that there had been a tornado, everyone in her household was okay, but the house and church were gone, I was true to my Bekah-fashion and completely freaked out. Full fledged freaking – complete with hyperventilating, crying, and pacing. That news was bad enough, but to “wake up” Saturday morning…did I ever go to bed Friday night?...and see the daylight footage of the storm’s aftermath put devastation in a whole new category. Recovering from home and church loss is one thing. Recovering from town loss is quite another.

I forced myself to occasionally get up from the couch yesterday…to mow the yard…to do laundry…to clean the house…to have coffee with Marie…to watch a movie…things that needed to be done more than CNN needed to be watched. And yet while I mowed or cleaned or did laundry, I felt just a bit guilty that I had a yard to mow…a house to clean…and clothes to wash…when more miles away than I can get to, my own family is without all of it. And not just my own family, but family after family.

And this morning, about 12:30, I was cleaning and exercising and making the bed, knowing how ridiculous it is to be doing all those things at midnight when church is just hours away, but the thought of going to bed was nauseating. Who can sleep? So I was on the phone trying to sort out my feelings once more, and finding myself as confused when I hung up as I had been at the start of the conversation.

And this is just me. This is just a fraction of what my sister, my brother-in-law, my niece, all of Greensburg must be feeling. Fortunately for Lori, (and for those around her) she is a much stronger person than I am. I cry at Burger King commercials. She holds it together in a tornado. How again are we related?

This morning I was working my way through the purse-sized Kleenex collection during the morning worship service, wondering why I’d settled on my traditional second row seat. That’s all people needed…a mascara-losing Bekah in the second row, hiccupping through songs.

But we sang the worship chorus How great is our God…How great is our God…And all will see how great, how great is our God. It’s hard to know what to hope for in a situation like this. You hope that the death toll doesn’t even climb even by one more. You hope that the storms that are thinking about forming in the sky above Greensburg just stop thinking and go away. You hope that your family can just hurry up and get back to what’s left of their home and find a picture or an heirloom or even just a pillow. You hope that aid pours in to help replace and rebuild. Those have been my hopes for the last couple of days. But singing that song this morning put in me a very deep hope that the greatness of God will be seen in the aftermath of this storm.

I hope that as people watch my family dig through their basement for whatever they can find, they’ll see a Perfect Peace hovering over that property. I hope that as my family reaches out to help their friends and neighbors – because that’s just the kind of people they are – that those friends and neighbors will see a Great God at work. And I hope as that entire community sifts through the leftovers of nature’s mighty work, they’ll see God’s mighty work in progress woven through it all.

Just a couple of days ago, I was praying Psalm 46:10 over someone. That verse says “Be still, and know that I am God.” There’s a very powerful comma in that sentence. Be still…and know that I am God. Before you can ,know or do anything, you first have to be still. Quit fighting. Quit shaking. Quit flailing. Just be still. And once you’re still, you can know that He is God. He will be exalted among the nations and in the earth, the verse goes on to say. Be still…He is God.

As I stood in church this morning and sang (okay, mouthed) about God’s greatness and thought about Psalm 46:10, I experienced that stillness. I stopped crying for a minute, stopped feeling sick, and just allowed myself to be still. And it was then that I comprehended the words to the song and began to pray that message over my sister, my brother-in-law, my niece, and the whole community around them.

The beginning of Psalm 46 says, “God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging. There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy place where the Most High dwells. God is within her, she will not fall; God will help her at break of day.” Well there might not be mountains and a sea in Greensburg, Kansas, but the earth has given way, trouble has come, and there has certainly been quaking and surging. But God is there within the tragedy, and He will be their help, refuge, and strength. And He can teach them how to be still…and know that He is God.

And for those of us hundreds of miles back this way who can only pace and watch the news, He can do the same.

Update

My niece called earlier this afternoon. She had been unable to use her cell phone because of the lack of signal in the area where they were staying.

I continue to be amazed at how strong those three are...when I know what I see on TV - on nearly every channel...and I begin to see more of just how huge and terrible this was...and the three of them are just so strong.

My niece told me that her cat was so good during the whole thing. Not the most personable cat in the world, I was sure she would have bolted at some point. But she was so scared that she stayed still enough for Cassie to hold her throughout the tornado and then for about four hours after...until they were able to be in shelter. The cat lover in me is grateful for that.

My sister, whose birthday was yesterday (some present, huh?) thanked me for the angel I sent her. It was a wooden angel I bought up in Amish country on my mini-vacation. She told me it looked great on the front door...if only she knew where to find the front door. We had given Lori a rough time over the lack of a birthday wish list for this year. She told me this afternoon that if she could just find a piece of paper, she had lots of things she could ask for now.

I don't know a whole lot more than that right now and want to be sensitive to them about what I do write...since this isn't my own life I'm spilling here. Please do continue to pray for them though. As that death toll rises, I just think of the people that didn't make it...people they probably know. And there's just the whole uncertainty of what is ahead...where to go...what to do. Very difficult.

As I find out more information that is okay to share, I'll post again.

Please Pray!

Please pray for my sister, Lori, and her family. Lori is the one mentioned in my birthday post yesterday. My Dad called me at 11:30 last night (never a good sign) and told me that Lori's family lost their home, and now it turns out, their entire town, in that monster tornado that hit Kansas last night.

The first news Dad gave me was just that there was a tornado and the house was gone and so was the church (Lori's husband is a pastor). After watching more hours of the weather channel in one night than I have watched in the rest of my life combined, I see that it wasn't just the house and the church...it was the whole town. If you read/watch the news, I'm sure you've seen Greensburg mentioned. Such a little town and now it's in the national news.

My sister, unlike me, is the pillar of strength...and actually, so is her husband, and so is my niece. They are all okay, for which we are very thankful. But I can't even imagine the enormity of the damage and loss they are facing.

In a time like this, I feel very sick over the sorts of losses that can't be replaced and very helpless because I can't do anything. I can't go, I can't help, I can't fix it. And I'm a fix-it sort of girl. I was up much of the night trying to convince myself NOT to throw up.

I haven't talked to Lori yet...but Mom and Dad have been keeping me posted. Please just pray for them as they pick up whatever they can, which doesn't sound like is much, and make decisions for the future. Please pray for my brother-in-law, since, as I mentioned, he is a minister, and I'm sure will be offering help and comfort on the question-asking, emotional level to so many people. Greensburg, I jokingly call Mayberry, and I don't mean that in a rude way...it's just that it is SUCH a small place that everyone truly is family, and everyone knows everyone. In addition, the fact that it is such a small place makes recovery harder because there's no place to GO. The injured are being transported anywhere from 30 to 50 miles away because those are the next closest places with a hospital.

Please also pray for my niece. I would fall apart at my age to lose everything I own...but she's younger than I am, and I am sure once this truly sets in, it will be so devastating for her. And please pray for my sister, the rock, who will be the glue that holds everyone together, I'm just sure of it.

Thanks so much!

Happy Happy Birthday!

Since I know she sometimes stops by to check out life on Bekah's Bits, I'll wish my sister, Lori, a very happy birthday. I'll leave her age out - so she will continue to visit my blog. Lori and I get to share a birthday month, and though I never really learned to share very well (curse of being raised as an only child), it is kind of fun to share a birthday month with her.

Lori, you should eat lots of ice cream today. If I were there, we could go out for ice cream. That's zactly what I plan to do on my own birthday. :)

In other birthday news, most exciting to all you cat lovers out there.....

Today is also Miss Braeya's birthday. She turns the big zero one today. I actually remember this day last year when I got a message from my friend Kari...telling me there were little kitties being born at her house! That was the day I made the executive decision that Kaegan needed a brother or sister. I put in a request for pick of the litter. And I got her!

Never mind that she was mad at me this morning (Braeya, not Kari) because I would not let her get in the shower. She has this huge love of bathtubs and plays in the main bathroom all the time. Today she finally realized that the little bathroom has a shower...and that the shower is a lot like a tub. I would not let her in and she just sat outside the door and howled. I let her howl. As we head toward the terrible twos, I feel the need to establish who's the boss...

Okay, I'll Admit It

I cried. Twice.

That was a hard goodbye for me - twice - on Idol! As I said before, I don't know when I've liked a top six this much. Usually there's at least one in there that gets on my nerves. Not this year.

Phats, I know you're thrilled that Phil is gone - and I'll be happy for you like you pretended to be happy for me (ha!) when Haley left. I will miss Phil. What a big and genuine heart he has (started to say had, but he's not dead!). I will miss seeing his sweet wife's smiling face in the audience every week, and I'll miss Phil's upbeat attitude. You can tell the rest of the contestants liked him a lot and he loved them too. I hope he does well - gets signed with someone. I thought he went out with incredible class.

As for Chris - I knew it was his time, but I'll still miss him. You can tell everyone thought the world of him too. I'm glad he made it as far as he did and I hope he shows up again sometime because he deserves that chance. Good job, Chris.

Having said that, this is the first time ever that the top four was who I wanted it to be from so early on. Even though my support for Lakisha has waned in the past couple of weeks, I'm glad she made it to the final four. And the other three deserve to be there, hands down. I love it that they all not only know how to sing, but they have such great personalities. It bugs me when Idol finalists aren't the sorts of people that make good role models. These four have what it takes all the way around, I think.

Angela - I have to say that you picked a good one with Bon Jovi. I could probably get used to listening to him. :) That other guy that sang though...whoa. Um...scary.

Shocked Me Again

I said on country night that I was worried how the Idol contestants would do...since I wasn't aware that any of them sang country. Tonight I was just as worried, because the only decent rocker we had...we voted off way before her time. Poor Gina.

As soon as I heard it was Bon Jovi night, I knew my friend Angela was going to be so happy...because she LOVES Bon Jovi. In fact, my introduction to Bon Jovi occurred when she and I were roommates. For a while, the dashing Jon himself was a guest star on Ally McBeal and we had to watch it every week so she could get her fix. A fair request. Had David Phelps been the guest star, she would have been forced to sit and watch with me.

So here are my thoughts on this evening's performance:

* Phil. I was worried for poor Phil. Once he was labeled a country boy at heart, I figured rock music would be his undoing. Add to that his resemblance to Chris Daughtry...I thought it would be over for sure. And Phil surprised me. I actually thought he did a great job. He's no Daughtry - but then who is? (Moment of silence for another contestant sent home way before it was time...) I thought it was a great start to the show...and I thought he did way better than "just decent" with this genre.

* Jordin. Oh boy. Jordin's first really bad week. I didn't know that song, but I thought it sounded (and kind of looked) like bad 80's. Her hair was just everywhere (nice little Gina twist with the red mixed in) and the song wasn't good. BUT. I love Jordin's spirit. I like it that, unlike other former contestants who shall remain nameless, she knew she didn't do a good job, was open about that, and welcomed the criticism. That takes a lot of guts and maturity. I know it's a singing competition, but that has to count for something...the way she handled it.

* Blake. I loved the new look. LOVED the new look. Here's where I have an unfair advantage - or disadvantage - depending on how you look at it. I knew the song he sang, but I didn't KNOW the song he sang. I loved his own twists and turns that he put in it...I loved it that beatboxing was back...I loved the attitude. Angela, who was watching with me, hated it. I totally respect that a song that is as well known as that one apparently is (please bear in mind I grew up on hymns, so all this is new to me) should be left untouched in the opinions of those who love the song. I appreciate that. Anytime someone tries to sing David Phelps and doesn't sing it like David Phelps would sing it...well, I'm done listening. Shoot, when David sings a song and doesn't do it like David should do it, I'm done listening. But from the untrained ear of a novice listener, I loved it. Blake was BACK.

* Lakisha. LAKISHA KISSED SIMON!!!! Lakisha kissed Simon! Did you know that Lakisha kissed Simon? Did she sing? Was there a song? Were there notes? Was there music? Did you see Lakisha kiss Simon? Clearly I am unable to remember anything about her musical talent tonight. Good, bad, I don't know. But that little lucky girl got to kiss Simon! I have no words. I have nothing to say. I think my friend Sarah said it was good. I think I got a text message to that effect. I'll get back to you when I remember something besides Lakisha kissing Simon!

* Chris. Chris, like Phil, did better than I thought he would. I was worried for Mr. Chris. He's kind of in a precarious position right now and I wasn't sure he could sing rock. But he did a pretty good job. I didn't like it as well as some of his other weeks, but he was good. And cute. That Chris is quite a cutie.

* Melinda. YOU GO, Melinda Doolittle! I was so proud of her. I cracked up at her "rock on" attempt when whichever judge asked her what she thought of being a rocker. So very typical of cute, humble Melinda. I was most nervous for her...because I so desperately want to see her in the finale and rock is NOT her thing. But with that first note, I knew she was going to be okay. I agreed with the judges - she WAS very Tina Turner. But that's a good thing. I was very proud of her.

As for a bottom 3 - boy. I don't know. Based on tonight alone, and based on music, it should be Jordin and Chris...and I don't know who else. But I think Jordin has too big a fan base to be in the bottom 3...and I have to remember that this week is combined with last week. I do think Chris is in trouble...and I think Blake might be too. I say that only because he didn't do a super job last week - and depending on the outcome of his gamble tonight...he's either loved or hated. I'm nervous. It'll be a doubly rough night because I really do like everyone in this top six and now I have to lose TWO in one night!

And did anyone see Lakisha kiss Simon?

Sunday, April 29, 2007

At the beginning of the year, I told you about my list of 25 covenants and commitments I made with God. The ladies of my Bible study have been hearing more about that list – and doing their best to hide smiles at some of the sillier ones…like my commitment to floss every day or my commitment to clean my house once a week. But this past week, I was able to cross off the list one rather big accomplishment.

I went on a personal retreat.

Let me explain how that one was born. Last year I was in a short term small group that studied the book Every Woman’s Battle. At the end of the book, the author, Shannon Etheridge, challenged her readers to take at least one personal retreat every year. Shannon’s view is that every woman, regardless of age, income, marital status, or number of children, should take at least a day every year to go away from her home and experience a time of retreat and refreshment.

So I decided to try it. Back in January, I called a hotel up in Amish country and booked a room. And for the last four months, I’ve been praying about what I should do while gone. What did God want to say to me? What did I need to learn? What should be my focus? I needed a theme. (I know…I know…OCD even about a retreat.)

I kept coming back to the book of Song of Solomon. Great. That’s all I needed. Hidden away in a hotel room reading the most controversial book of the Bible. But I felt very strongly that God wanted to teach me more about the love He has for me…a love I though I knew about…but maybe I didn’t know as much as I thought.

A few weeks ago, while listening to the radio, I heard an author interviewed…a woman whose works I’d not read. Her name is Lisa Harper, and she recently wrote a Bible study book on Song of Solomon. I decided to purchase the book and read it while I was gone. And I’m so glad I did. This woman is like a long lost sister. (I have two wonderful not-lost sisters…but if I had a lost one…this would be her.) Reading her book was like reading my own journal. I completely connected with her approach to Bible study, life, and love.

The book “Song of Solomon” – as I learned it in my King James upbringing – is called “Song of Songs” in the NIV and some other versions of the Bible. The footnote in my study Bible said that it’s called “Song of Songs” because it represents the best of the best. The best song Solomon wrote…or perhaps the best love song of all time. And I went away this weekend with the desire to make my relationship with God a “song of songs.”

Last year I taught a whole Bible study based on Dee Brestin and Kathy Troccoli’s book Falling in Love with Jesus. Last fall, I spoke at a women’s retreat and used that same theme again. You would think I had a bit of a handle on this whole “loving Jesus” thing. But this weekend, I learned in a new way that I really didn’t have a clue about how much He actually loved me.

All the parts of who I am (inside and out) that I find quirky…even annoying…He loves. And He’s been sitting around waiting for me to decide to love that part of me too.

I had imagined that the weekend would contain at least one blaze of light moment where angels would sing and a giant organ chord would sound somewhere. That didn’t happen. I wasn’t disappointed…just surprised. (I love moments of brilliance.) But I found that moments of quiet affirmation and understanding actually infiltrate the soul and last much longer than a major moment…which eventually fades and is forgotten.

So I have returned…seemingly ready to reenter the world and its wacky normalcy. I suppose reporting for duty in the morning will confirm or deny how much of this retreat actually embedded itself in my heart.

I’m glad I took Shannon’s advice and tried the retreat. I think God takes much delight in anyone’s effort to get closer to Him and hear His voice. I think He blesses those sorts of attempts.

If you’ve never done anything like that, I highly recommend that you try it at least once. It could be just the rejuvenation your heart needs!

Random Pictures

It's been a while since I've had pictures I can post. Most of the pictures I take have my friends' kids in them, and I don't think they're crazy about having them posted, so I don't.

ANYWAY.

Here's a sampling of recent days in Bekahland...

This is my friend, Angela (whose link is over on the side). Angela and I were roommates for three years - while she did her graduate work. She's much smarter than I am now...but I have a built in counselor! :) It is a good trade-off. Angela came over this week for the big "Idol Gives Back" show.

This is Jessica. We've watched Idol together for - three? - years now. At least two anyway. She was the student worker in my office until this week when she GRADUATED! Who let her do that? :( Jessica was a lot of fun to work with and we're fellow Clay Aiken fans, so she keeps me in the loop of what is happening in ClayNation or whatever it is that they call it now. Jessica LOVED Kaegan and Braeya and they were unusually friendly when she was there. My cats are kind of snobs. Well, Braeya is a snob. Kaegan's just a chicken. But both of them loved to hang out with Jessica! I'll miss watching Idol with her. :(

And this is just way too much Bekah in a very small space. :)

Welcome Home...to Me

I took a much needed mini-vacation this week. Okay, the end of this week. Two days. That was all I could afford. I'm planning to write about it in the official Sunday post, so I'll leave out some parts for now.

I headed up to Amish country and stayed in a hotel up there. Last night was my "relax and retreat" night and today was my "shop like crazy" day. Both days, despite less than ideal weather, were amazing.

Not being a well-seasoned traveler, this was an adventure of sorts for me. I borrowed my parents' coverless atlas, just in case I needed to find a new path. Right about 15 miles from my destination, I had to take a detour. Of course, driving down a highway is not the time to pull out an atlas and start reading, so I called Mom (sorry, Chris...talking on the cell phone while driving...I'm still waiting for that post!). She got out HER map at home and talked me through a new route. Apparently that should have been my plan from the start. Call Mom and have her read the atlas.

The hotel was great and my worst fear did not come true. I have the worst luck with key cards. I figured I would get there and my key would not work and I would have to go ask for help and be the idiot traveler who can't get into her room. But never fear...it worked beautifully!

As evening approached last night, I heard thunder. Great. I hate storms. Even though TV was supposed to be forbidden until bedtime (I was there to spend time with God, not watch TV), I turned it on to see if there were any "CRAWL UNDER FURNITURE NOW" warnings. I found a tornado watch, but the outline of counties meant nothing to me. I didn't know where I was located at that moment. Even if they'd posted county names...I didn't know that either. You know, hotels really should list that sort of thing. I just decided to hope they'd pound on my door if I was in life-threatening danger and proceeded to attempt to remain calm about the weather.

I had a completely relaxing weekend...and even stayed down in the common eating area for the continental breakfast. (Major phobia of eating alone in public.) I just pulled out a newspaper to read. I'm so turning into my father.

Had a great time shopping...even found some new coffee stuff for my kitchen. I decided to decorate with a coffee theme and then discovered it's nearly impossible to find coffee stuff to use in decoration. I found enough stuff to hang on the wall...now I am looking for things to perch above my cabinets. SUCCESS today!

When I ran out of money, I started for home - by a different route. Kind of like the wise men.

So now that I've seen quite a bit of Indiana...I'm home. The cats welcomed me. More of a "Where's our treat supply?" welcome than a "Missed you!" welcome. I'm quite sure I don't even want to know what they did while I was gone.

Don't Scare Me Like That!

I got pretty nervous there at the end of Idol tonight. What a mean trick to pull on us! I do think it was very nice of them to NOT send anybody home on charity night...and I think it will be interesting to wonder how this week's performances impact next week's double elimination.

The Gives Back show was a good one, I thought. Learned I'm not a fan of Earth, Wind and Fire - or whatever that group was called. Or maybe that was just a song I didn't like and since it's all I've ever heard them sing, I just THINK I don't like them.

The Elvis thing was a little creepy. I had two people watching the show at my house and the three of us spent the entire song trying to figure out if it was some weird video trick of Elvis actually singing or if it was an impersonator. Parts of it looked very video-y (new word) and parts of it looked very live.

I loved Josh Grobin's song with the African Children's Choir. I could have just stopped with I love Josh Grobin...(ditto for the men of Il Divo)...but the song was good. Those kids are so cute!!! The cheeser in the front row was my favorite.

The lady that sang Bridge Over Troubled Waters (or is it Water?)...no thank you. She dressed like Haley and did not do half the justice to that song that Clay did when he sang it in the Season 2 finale. I don't like people messing with a song once Clay has sung it.

It's way late...and I need a nap...so I'm going to bed!

Whew.

I don't remember ever before having a semester's end to match this one. And it's just fine with me if I don't see one ever again. It's been madness from open to close every day...and I'm not sure why it seems more pressure-filled this year. It's been great to keep me from snacking. Not so great for my blood pressure. Or so I assume. I don't actually check my blood pressure. But I can imagine that it probably shoots up during work hours.

For this reason, I was extremely glad to catch Idol tonight. It was the first time I've been able to sit down in....two weeks. It was beautiful. And I have to say, this has been my favorite night so far this season. Ryan was right....there was a definite energy in the house (the Idol house...no energy in Bekah's house) tonight.

I told Jessica (who was watching with me) that this is the first time I've liked a top six this much - especially after being so unimpressed by a top twelve. Here are my thoughts for this evening.

* Chris. Once again - can I mention how cute he is? I told Jessica that anyone who can pull off a suit jacket and cargo pants simultaneously is a talented individual. I agreed with the judges that this was his personal best. He connected tonight. Still not the best singer in the competition...but I enjoyed the song tonight.

* Melinda. HATED the dress. Hated the color, hated the style, hated the whole thing. But loved the song. Loved Melinda. She can sing...she can work that stage with a quiet presence. Well, a loud presence from her lungs, but you know what I mean. She doesn't have to Haley all over to be noticed. She is just Melinda. And for that, I applaud her. Job well done.

* Blake. I wish he'd get back to moving around. This is the second or third time he's stayed quiet and still - and I love his moving around groove. But I am a Blake fan...and his voice just absolutely melts me. A couple of his vocal tricks tonight were really nice. I want him to stay another week.

* Lakisha. What is it with singing all the old Idols? I am NOT a Fantasia fan, so she lost me before she even opened her mouth, once I heard that was the singer she chose. Not being a Fantasia fan, I consequently did not know the song, so I can't say how much she nailed it or killed it compared to Fantasia, but I really didn't like it. At all. And the dress looked like a towel.

* Phil. I LOVE PHIL. And furthermore, I love Phil's wife. She is the kindest looking girl sitting out there each week. She's the Melinda of the contestants' significant others. What a nice, nice couple. I thought he wasn't quite as good as last week, but I thought he was great anyway, and I really want him to stay another week. And more than that, I want him to do well. I think he's got a super heart.

* Jordin. I cried. I love it when she is so moved by her own song that she cries when she sings. That is powerful. She looked the best tonight I think she's ever looked, she was very passionate in her song, and it was my pick for song of the night. What a beautiful girl and a spirit to match. I'd love to see her and Melinda in the final two. But then who would I pick?

I can't pick a bottom 3 tonight because I loved everyone so much...except Lakisha. I hate to say it because the first couple of weeks I wanted to just skip to her and Melinda in the finals and be done. But the last couple of weeks...just not impressed. She gets my vote for out this week. And Jordin wins best of this week.

I'm excited about tomorrow night's show too. I think it will be a great one! I wasn't too sure about this charity drive mixed in with the show at first, but now I think it's a great thing they're doing. Good job, Idol!

Sunday, April 22, 2007

I was snuggled up on the couch a few minutes ago, trying to collect my thoughts for Ladies’ Bible Study tomorrow night. We have only three weeks left in this “season,” and these last few meetings also happen to be my last as leader of the group. I’ve been teaching it for five years, and I know in my heart that God is calling me to move away from it. I hesitate to say “move on” from it – because I don’t know that He is going to move me on into something similar but on a different level. Maybe He is changing the course of my life altogether.

In fact, I know He is doing something. I just don’t what. Does that frustrate you as much as it frustrates me? This morning in church, I was parked in my chair on the second row, trying to figure out how to breathe with just one functioning nostril – and that one, slightly impaired. I learned during a rather emotional prayer time that mixing a pre-cold with prayer tears does not make for easy breathing. Especially when for the next hour after that, you can’t stand up and move around to clear your head! Anyway, so I was sitting there trying to breathe when our pastor asked if we wished God would just write down what He wants us to do.

Yes.

I’ve written about that before – wishing God would “unretire” the writing on walls method. I still wish He would consider it. And just as I was nodding my affirmation to the pastor’s question, I looked down at one of the verses in the Scripture reading. John 16:5: “I have much more to say to you, more than you can now bear.”

That leaves me unsure whether to be thankful that I don’t know more or to wish that I were stronger so I could bear more knowledge. Know what I mean?

So after I came home (with a cleared head) and ate my leftover salsa chicken for lunch, I curled up on the couch with my notes for Bible study. I ran into my key verse for the night – Luke 12:48b: “From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked.”

This morning before I even got dressed and did my hair, I wrote in my prayer journal that I needed God to do something today. To say something. The last two weeks have been so busy that I haven’t had the time to sit back and chat with God like I normally do. I’ve hated that and can tell in my attitude that the conversation has been lacking. So I asked for today to be the starting point of reconnection.

I think we officially reconnected. I had something a little different in mind…like warm fuzzies and oozes of joy. Apparently what God had in mind was saying a little piece of the “much more” to me…by telling me that the more I get, the more responsibility I’ll have. And right now, I know there are some areas that require more out of me than I’m giving. And until I remedy that, I shouldn’t expect to be entrusted with any more.

A few minutes ago, I was emailing one of my friends and telling her about all the changes going on in the lives of many of my friends…this one getting married…that one having a baby. Another one starting a new job…still another moving away. Life around me is swirling. And I feel a bit caught in the middle, unsure of where my “swirl” will take me – or when it will even start. Change is hard for me, but I’d never thought much about how everyone else’s changes around me trickle down to change my life even when I’m standing still.

But it happens. And so for now, maybe it’s best that my own life be change-free so that I can work on focusing on the changes around me and supporting my friends as they enjoy their new territories.

As I’ve said before, I don’t think God is going to reinstitute writing on walls. But He does continue in His method of revealing little pieces of information right on time. Not early – but right on time. And my job in the meantime is to give what is demanded of me with what God has entrusted to my care. And if more is not entrusted, I have to rest in knowing that there’s a good reason for that.

Happy Look Alike Day

I look like my Mom.

Who looks like her Mom.

Who looked like her Mom.

From here to 100, I know what to expect.

I'm not sure how I feel about that.

Anyway - don't believe me about looking like my Mom? Check it out.

This is me - last year right around this time. Sorry about the eucalyptis growing out of my head.

This is my Mom - a little over fifty years ago, when she was a senior in high school.

Yep - I'm my mother's child. I'm sure someone will compare those two pictures and not see it, but if that's you, trust me. We're duplicates. Except I'm taller. By a long shot - and I take pride in that.

Anyway, I'm the image of Mom, Grandma, and Gran, but I'd like to wish a Happy Lookalike Day (today's holiday of choice) to some of my other favorite lookalikes.

There's Sarah, a friend from work, who came over with some of the work girls for a Christmas party last December. (I find that the most logical time to host Christmas parties.) One of the girls took our picture and Sarah had her copy sitting on her desk at work. She was moved to another office, so the picture went with her. One of the guys in that office asked if we were sisters. Sarah has a whole truckload of sisters, but I'm not one of them. Still, after she and I analyzed the picture a bit, we could see how we might be mistaken for sisters. We both had curly hair that day, and our hair color is very similar too. We're both pale as can be. Yeah, we can be sisters.

My second lookalike is Faith. Faith and I met in college, where we ended up being suite-mates. After college, we both ended up living in the same town and have stayed good friends. We go to the same church and we are both addicted to scrapbooking. (We're teaching her daughter to follow suit.) Since we're together at church so much, people often think we're sisters, even though neither of us think we look anything alike. But our favorite was when someone in Sunday School referred to her when he meant to use my name. Someone corrected him and he said, "Oh, Faith - Bekah, Bekah - Faith. They're one and the same." So we're not just lookalikes. We're the same person!

Next is Kristina. I think that's how you spell it. I can't remember. She and I used to work in the same building and I guess if you didn't know us very well, you could get us mixed up. We had similar hairstyles and builds. She was taller and thinner (and prettier, in my opinion) but there were similarities. Kristina was married, and toward the end of the time that she worked in my building, she was expecting her first baby. One day, during the summer, when I walked into work, the cleaning lady was washing the window and stopped to say hi. We chatted for a second and as I walked away, I heard her say something about how I was really blossoming. I was very confused for a minute and then realized she thought I was Kristina, and she was commenting on my PREGNANCY! I had worn a blue jumper that day - and I never wore it again to work. I am happy to be Kristina's lookalike, but I'd prefer not to be mistaken for a pregnant person!

And finally...this will only be meaningful to Phats, Nutz, and Brandon...remember Katina? Oh yeah. Second grade. A teacher tapped me on my shoulder at my locker and called me Katina.

Trying Not to Smile

I know it's vindictive to smile that Sanjaya got the boot - but I'm relieved out of that particular bottom 3 that he was the one out.

Some things I found interesting about the results:

1. HOW did Blake end up in the bottom 3 over Chris?

2. I learned I wouldn't have been heartbroken had it been Lakisha going home. That surprised me. I like her. Maybe not as much as I thought.

3. Everyone seemed more upset to lose him than they had seemed last week when they lost Haley. For all his lack of singing talent (in comparison to the rest) - I bet he really was a fun guy for them to hang out with.

I am relieved he is gone - now it can be a real competition again. BUT, having said that, I am very impressed with the way he handled all the criticism on and off stage. Always with a smile, always with a genuinely sweet spirit. Good for you, Sanjaya.

Not QUITE the USA Today, but Close

Remember the part of Runaway Bride when Maggie (Julia Roberts) ran out onto the lawn in that oversized button down shirt and work boots? The newspaper boy had just tossed the USA Today on the lawn and she wanted to see if there was a response to her letter to the editor. She ripped open the paper and plopped down in the yard to read. Remember that?

Well I did my own version of that today. I am clearly not Julia Roberts, and I haven't run from even one husband, let alone three. But today when the Sojourn (campus newspaper) was delivered to the office, I ripped a copy straight out of the rubber-banded bundle and ran back to my office to scour it. About a week ago, someone from the Sojourn office had called up here to find out how to spell my name. I've been panicking ever since. Was it someone complaining about my overuse of exclamation points? Had I offended someone? (Why am I such a pessimist?)

It took two run-throughs of the paper, but I found it. Right there on the Opinion page. Nick Rambo, managing editor (and fiance of our office's former student worker...which is probably how I ended up in his editorial at all) said the following:

"This past Wednesday, my fiance and I made a date out of an exit meeting. We thought it would be a creative way to spend time together amidst the chaos of her final days of student teaching and my completion of the mandatory senior project. At some point in the course of the 20-minute routine, I fumbled through my pockets looking for a razor blade.

"For those of you unfamiliar, an exit meeting is where someone from IWU's Financial Aid department, in my case, the lovely Rebecca Freelan, tells you how much you owe the people who lent you money for college and how they'll hunt you down and sell your arms to science if you don't pay them back. My total hovered around the $20 thousand dollar mark. Stephanie, my fiance, owed a mere $17 thousand - as soon as we left I went out and bought a $1 lotto ticket hoping to hit it big. No luck.

"The exit meeting was depressing for two reasons. 1) It hammered home the idea that for the next 5-10 years, I will be a financial P.O.W. 2) It brought into focus the realization that my time here is all but over."

As were my 15 minutes of fame. The rest of his article was about the IWU World Changer Mentality.

But back to my correlation to Runaway Bride. While there were not as many"gross misrepresentations" and "factual errors," I would like to point out that I tried my hardest to keep those exit meetings as chipper as I possibly could. I don't like people fumbling for razor blades on my watch. And I am PRETTY sure I never said anyone would make them sell their arms to science - though I do remember saying lenders could collect on student loans even if the borrower was 150 years old and in a nursing home. And I tried not to make it depressing. In fact, the session he came to was one of the livelier ones.

My name...almost spelled right.

But the "lovely" I'll take. :) Thanks, Nick, for giving me a spot in the Sojourn. I'll give the article a place of honor in the scrapbook. I may never again be in an editorial. And truly - that may be the best way to keep things.

Lil Country Surprise

I have to admit, I was scared about country week. This is the first year I can remember when there wasn't a definitive country singer in the whole bunch. Part of me worried the week would just be start to finish BAD, and part of me was curious to see if it sifted the singers a bit - to show who truly had talent and who just rode along on luck. I was pleasantly surprised at how well they did, but I saw some sifting happening.

* Phil. I was scared for Phil coming into this week. I am a Phil fan but know many aren't, including Phats, and since the bottom 3 seems to include Phil every week, I figured this week was his unlucky week. WHO KNEW he was a country boy? I felt a connection to his singing for the first time ever (why am I his fan if I never connect with his song? I don't know.) and loved watching him move around and have a good time. In my opinion, he tied for the best song of the night. Way to go, Phil!

* Jordin. I felt like she was a little bit rigid this week - but that was probably because she was told to stand still and tell the story vocally. I wish she would have relaxed a little more, but her voice was super and WOW can she sing. Good job, Jordin. I would love to see her in the final four.

* Sanjaya. He's back. The Sanjaya we all know is back. I had a hard time getting past the little scarf and the MOUNTAIN of hair. But Randy was right - BAD karaoke. And Simon was right - it was like audition week all over again. PLEASE go home, Sanjaya. Simon was right again - the cuteness wore off.

* Lakisha. It pains me to say this, but I hated it. I truly, truly hated it. I think she took a big risk singing Carrie Underwood on the very show Carrie won. I didn't think she gave the song enough of her own twist to make me forget Carrie and she certainly can't sing like Carrie. I'm worried for Lakisha. I hope she didn't kick herself off the show with that one song. She deserves final four, but that was really bad. She's sifting gone bad. She can't sing country and it showed.

* Chris. I love Chris because he's cute and charming. BUT I was really bored with his song. I kind of thought he sounded like Bucky Covington, and I wasn't a big Bucky fan, so that wasn't a comparison I wanted happening in my head. I am going to guess bottom 3 for him this week. :(

* Melinda. I am principally opposed to lengthening hair, but I thought the longer hair did SO MUCH for her. Loved it. She won the other half of my tie for first. She's just GOOD. I was glad to see that she was back this week - from the roughness that was last week. I want to see her in the finale. She's just amazing and I love her spirit. (I know I say that every week, but it's true.)

* Blake. Blake is a good example of sifting that worked out. Clearly country is not his thing, but he is good enough as an all around performer that he knew where his limits were and he stopped before he got to them. I like him better with his spunky beatboxing thing, but he stood his ground well this week. Good for you, Blake.

If I were in charge of bottom 3, it would be Sanjaya, Chris, and Lakisha with Sanjaya going home.

Sunday, April 15, 2007

Last Sunday was Easter, and with Easter comes the great ordeal that girls face: shopping for the dress. The Easter dress is a significant purchase each spring…one that brings its share of annoyances and the thrill of success when the right dress is finally located. From the very first Easter, when an eight pound baby wears a dress whose frills weigh ten pounds…clear up into adulthood, the all important find of “the dress” spurs on a shopping extravaganza like no other.

Some people go on Easter egg hunts. I go on Easter dress hunts. My own hunt this year was one filled with frustration. For that reason, I’d like to share with you what I so lovingly call “The Great Easter Dress Hunt of 2007.”

1. Slim Pickins. I try valiantly to watch enough E! fashion shows and What Not to Wear to have a basic grasp on what is in and what is out. But somewhere I missed the memo that the dress is out. With the exception of one store (the store where I at long, long last made my purchase), the sum total of actual dress options at any given store did not exceed four dresses. I love a good set of separates…don’t get me wrong. But the Easter dress should be…a dress. I learned that had I been bigger, shorter, a junior, or a kid, my options of actual dresses would have increased by about 20%. But in the good old department where I shop – very few options.

2. Style. I understand that I’m not any sort of trend setter. And I have come to grips with my taste in clothing being roughly a season behind the going styles. But the styles of the few dresses I did find were borderline heinous. There were several that looked like they had come straight from wardrobe on I Love Lucy. I’m sorry to be a pain, but I do not want to wear to church a collared, belted dress that Lucy would have worn while doing laundry for Ricky and Little Ricky! Nor do I want to sport a dress with no waist (leaving me to look like a giant roll of printed toilet paper) or an empire waist (leaving me to explain that I’m really not pregnant).

3. Material. Again…I don’t mean to be difficult to get along with, but this clingy stuff has got to go. The spandex-esque shirts – and worse, the dresses! – hang to each and every roll and dimple. You know, I’m working on my weight (reducing it, that is) and I’m making significant progress. But never, ever in my life, short of one day having my own personal trainer, will I be in good enough shape to manage a dress that clings. I do not want to be the girl that sits in the second row of an Easter service and has 250 people behind her saying, “Does she know how that sticks to her?” YES, YES SHE KNOWS! BUT SHE COULDN’T FIND ANYTHING ELSE TO BUY!

4. Color. An Easter dress should be…springy. At least I think so. I like for my Easter dress to have lovely shades of pastels…pinks and lavenders and yellows. I like it to be gently subtle and soothing to the eye. Let me just tell you – such a dress does not exist this year. (Unless of course, I wanted to be any size other than the one I am.) This year it was HELLO red. HELLO brown. HELLO navy blue. HELLO black. Hello…can I have pastels? Why can’t they make that adorable 2T dress about 50 times bigger so I can squeeze into it?

5. Print. And while we’re at it, let’s talk about print. It’s spring…have I said that? Where are the flowers and wisps? The soft, soothing petals and posies of the season? This year it was all polka dots and paisleys and wild takes on strange chains. I didn’t particularly want to walk into church looking like I just crawled down from someone’s living room window or I recently departed a 1970’s couch!

6. Price. I am the world’s cheapest clothing shopper. Nothing makes me happier than a dress (still sporting the tags) for 75 cents at a yard sale. As a result, shopping in a normal store sends me into a bit of price shock. And of course, it would be too much to ask for me to gravitate toward the cheapest dress on the rack. No, no. If the prices range from $29.99 to $99.99, you can believe that every tag I turn over is going to be $99.99. One store I entered had a dress cute enough to make me overlook the print (polka dots) and the color (brown) – but once I grabbed the tag and saw $118 printed on it, I just turned on my heel and left the store. If I’m paying $118 for a dress, it had better be white and come with a groom at the other end of a long aisle.

7. Math. Shopping is supposed to be a soothing, relaxing event in my life. I want to walk into a store, find a dress, decide I like it, and look at the price…end of story. But no. Every single dress was a marathon math session in my head! Original price - $70. Take off 10% because it’s Easter. Take off another 8.5% because I’m shopping in this particular 2 hour window. There’s a $10 reduction at the register if I pick up the coupon directly beside the register, and another 15% off if I’ll just answer these five simple questions as part of a store-wide survey. AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! Just charge me the stupid forty bucks to begin with and forget all the brain strain!

So, after shopping in six stores and two cities over a period of three days, I finally settled on an Easter dress. It was a red and white sundress that met the only requirement I had left by that time: it zipped. I was so fed up with shopping that I would have been tempted to take out a second mortgage to pay for the stupid thing just to be done. It wasn’t my typical Easter dress, but it was…a dress.

Of course then there was a whole new set of problems:

1. Shoes. I didn’t own any red shoes. Time to go shoe shopping. This is hard for a girl like me who hates wedge heels and peek-a-boo toes…are there any other styles out there? I found one strappy red pair of heels at WalMart and bought them – without even trying them on. I willed them to fit.

2. Purse. I didn’t own a red purse. WalMart to the rescue again. Of course the purse isn’t big enough to hold all my junk, but it sure is cute!

3. Sweater. Did I mention it was something in the neighborhood of twenty below zero on Easter? And I was wearing a knee length sundress and strappy heels? (Okay so maybe that was a slight exaggeration on the temp – but not much.) For only five dollars less than I paid for the dress, I could have purchased a lovely white cardigan. Of course 90% of the time, I’m too hot, so when would I ever wear a cardigan again? I called up my friend Lynette. She has lots of clothes. I just knew she’d have something I could borrow. And she did.

So Easter was a success after all…even though I was exhausted by the time I was done shopping. I took an online survey for the store this week – and when they asked why I decided to make my purchase there, I clicked “other” and wrote in desperation.

Confessions of a Couch Potato

My friend Kristin (her link is over on the side) has a "Thursday Thirteen" post, which I find interesting. I'm learning things I didn't know! So far I haven't committed to divulging 13 new things about myself every week, but this week's topic was 13 TV shows I wouldn't miss.

The good news is, I don't have 13 shows I watch regularly every week. That makes me feel better, because I was worried that I never separated from my remote. It feels that way sometimes. But there are some shows I do watch every week, and others I watch if I can. And there are some I would watch if I could, but I'm not home. And I don't have time to watch recordings. (CLARIFICATION - I in no way mean to insinuate that Kristin or anyone else who has 13 regular shows IS a couch potato. Not my intention at all!!!)

So here is my list of shows and reasons.

1. American Idol. Obviously you know I watch this one since I post about it all the time. I've watched every season except the first one. I got hooked on humorous auditions and then was too sucked in to quit. I don't vote, and with the exception of Clay Aiken, I've never bought any of the idols' music - but I wouldn't miss the show!

2. Grey's Anatomy. I got hooked on this show the minute it hit the air. My mother isn't thrilled that I watch this one - she can garner from the previews that it doesn't have the best morals. But the writing on this show is amazing - sometimes I watch it as much for that as for anything else. And I will readily admit I'm a McDreamy fan to the very end.

3. Desperate Housewives. I know, I know - all the killing and the adultery - it's a 10 commandments breaker. But the writers come up with some of the best zingers! And though it gets a little far-fetched at times, it's a good source of comic relief. Watch it every week!

4. Notes from the Underbelly. This show just started last night, so who knows how long it will stay on the air. But I have to say, I was cracking up...finally! A show that will say out loud the perspective of a single woman who is losing her friends to a world of strollers and goo-goo-ga-ga talk. I would never say out loud half of what that lady said to her friends' faces, but I've sure thought it!

5. Life Today. Okay I know this one is a switch from the soapy dramas. Life Today, if you've not heard of it, is kind of a Christian talk show. It's hosted by James and Betty Robison, and they have authors and singers on the show. And every Wednesday, Beth Moore teaches a group of ladies. I never miss Wednesdays. Beth is an amazing Bible teacher. Love listening to her.

6. Extreme Makeover Home Edition. I don't catch this one every week - mostly because you can miss a week and not "miss anything" since one week doesn't depend on the one before. But if I need a good cry, I make sure to catch it. I love the reveals and typically bawl all the way through them.

7. Dharma and Greg. I never watched this show when it was on originally, but I try not to miss it in syndication. I think I've seen almost all of them now. The actors on that show did such a great job of bringing those characters to life - and there was a great screen chemistry. (Although I did hear that at the end of the run, personality conflicts did the show in. But they kept it together on stage!) Dharma cracks me up and Greg....well...refer to the McDreamy comment.

8. 3's Company. This is the show I watch while I fall asleep. Not that it's a bad show...but it's just what's on while I am winding down. I love the humor on the show, and I love Jack! In fact, for a while after John Ritter died, I couldn't watch this show because it made me cry.

9. House Hunters. I don't watch this daily, but if I can, I catch it. I LOVE looking at houses, and this is an easy way to do it. I also try to figure out which house the family chose before they reveal the answer. The host of the show gets on my nerves, but seeing all the fun rooms in the houses more than makes up for her.

10. 30 Minute Meals. This is a show that I can't figure out why I watch. I don't care for Rachael Ray - too perky. I never make any of her recipes because I don't own half the stuff. But for some reason, I watch this show almost every night. I've learned a lot of things about food from her too!

11. CSI. I don't watch the new shows, but I do frequently catch a show in syndication. It fascinates me how they figure things out. I'm not really smart in that sort of stuff, so it fascinates me. As does Nick.....

12. Ellen. Another one my Mom doesn't approve of. I don't ever watch Ellen anymore because Oxygen doesn't run it at night and I'm not home when it's on regular TV. I don't approve of her lifestyle, but I do have to say she is one of the best talk show hosts ever. She's funny and switches things up all the time. Loved watching her!

13. Mad About You. This one is never on when I'm home either, but I always thought this was one of the best representations of life and marriage ever. Helen Hunt and Paul Reiser had incredible on screen chemistry. I'd like to own this one on DVD sometime. It's that worth it.

And THAT is How it's Done

FINALLY.

Justice is served. Jessica came over to watch American Idol with me last night and we had some serious cheering going on when the final results were announced. Braeya had been asleep in Jessica's lap and I think we scared her when the screaming began.

I was thrilled to see that Haley wore actual clothes last night and I was excited that Phil and Chris got a chance to stay one more week. (I was also thrilled that my bottom 3 prediction was right for the first time ever!)

I found Haley's commentary on her clothing choice interesting...glad to know she doesn't find it inappropriate.

Now I can sit back and enjoy the rest of the competition.

Not My Favorite Music

Well after loving last week's Idol music, this week's didn't really do much for me. My favorite part of the night was listening to what Jennifer Lopez had to say to them...and wondering who her favorite is. Wish she would tell!

* Melinda. I agreed with the judges that it wasn't her personal best night. However, contrary to her own opinion of herself, I think she did a great job delivering the song and it was very smooth. I loved her dress. I thought it really looked classy on her. And even when taking the criticism from Simon, she was graceful!

* Lakisha. The song was fun, although I felt like she was rushing to keep up with it. I hated her dress. I thought it wasn't flattering at all. But I still thought she did a good job. I thought she raised her game from last week.

* Chris. I didn't see any of his performance. I only heard it from the other room. I wore my strappy heels ALL DAY at work yesterday and by the time I got home, I was ready to amputate my feet. Then I had to mow and walk a couple miles, so by the time Chris got around to singing, I was only interested in warm water for my lil feet. So I was getting that ready while he sang. But from what I heard, it was just okay. I think he'll be in the bottom 3 this week - unless his girl fans kicked up the votes.

* Haley. THANK YOU HALEY for wearing a shirt. That was a blessing. The shorts - well - Simon was right. She's surviving on looks. I am pretty sure Diana Degarmo sang that same song a couple years ago, and as not great as Diana was, she did a better job than Haley! I couldn't understand her - it seemed like she was running out of breath - probably from trying to sing and wiggle around at the same time. But I wasn't so annoyed with her this week because at least she wore a shirt and at least she didn't smirk and roll her eyes at the judges. I would put her in the bottom 3 too.

* Phil. Though I am still a Phil fan, that was my least favorite performance from him - not helped at all by cracks at the end. He'll probably show up in the bottom 3 again.

* Jordin - I hated her outfit again this week. I didn't think it helped her. But although I hate the song she sang, I actually enjoyed her version of it and thought she sounded really good. She should stay around.

* Blake - my pick for best of the night. He did a SUPER job on that song and he is a good subtle entertainer. He deserves to be in the finals.

* Sanjaya - Once again, I thought he wasn't bad. I thought this was his best performance to date and I actually kind of enjoyed it. He's still not one of my favorites overall, but he's showing much improvement over the others!

Easter

My camera was nearly my undoing today. Apparently some settings could be more appropriately...set...and so many of my Easter pictures turned out blurry. ICK! But here are some that weren't bad.

Me...and the Easter dress that nearly cost me my sanity. I have cute red strappy sandals too but of course they're cut out...

Mom - who wore Easter selection number two after the weather turned sour. Where is her sense of temperature adventure? Well, at any rate the flowers she salvaged from the yard made it spring in the house!

Dad - who mostly wanted to get back to dessert...

Easter Sunday, April 8, 2007

This past Monday, our Ladies’ Bible Study talked a little bit about grace. It was all part of last chapter in the book we were studying, but it caused me to look up the word in the dictionary just to see what it really means. Among the definitions, I found the following: a sense of what is fitting…favor…unconstrained and undeserved divine favor or goodwill.

And this week I received a little taste of grace. So much grace, in fact, that I had to shake my head just a bit.

Most of you know that I was in the Marion Easter Pageant for 23 years. A couple of weeks ago I wrote about how much I miss it and the completion it brought to my Easter season each year. Well, I had seen an advertisement that this past Wednesday, there would be an “Easter Pageant Sing” at a church in town. There would be a choir and orchestra playing the music of the pageant. So I made mental plans to attend.

Wednesday was a disastrous day…one of those days when nothing goes as planned, including the thirty degree weather two days after summer-like temps teased us. I couldn’t get out of work on time, I had many errands to run, and every imaginable setback seemed to hit me. I had a coupon for Fashion Bug that expired that day and I was determined to use it, no matter what. So as I scoured the store for a suitable Easter dress (more on that next week), I watched the hands on the clock scoot closer to seven – which was when the music was scheduled to start.

I dashed out to my car shortly after 6:45 and almost went straight home. I was tired, cold, and hungry, and by this time, I just knew the church would be packed. Besides, I was alone, and I hate going to things alone. But yet I felt nudged to at least drive by the church. Just to see. So I pointed my car in the direction of the church and started driving. As I pulled up alongside the building, I could see the parking lot was completely full and the side streets were starting to fill. It wasn’t the best part of town – and did I mention it was cold? I started to just zoom on past and head home when I saw the nose of a police car just two blocks ahead. Well if I have to take my pick between cops and cold, I’ll take the cold. I made a quick turn into the parking lot – to avoid the cop if nothing else. Just as I pulled in, the car in the second parking space left.

By this time, I was getting the distinct impression that God wanted me at this thing. So I parked, went in, and found dozens of empty seats. Apparently the cars were all the choir and orchestra people. I found a nice aisle seat near the back and settled in to listen to the music. Much to my delight, they not only had music, but they had a video of the Pageant as well! It seemed to me that I’d remembered talk of a taping years ago, so I searched the screen for a short version of myself. Couldn’t find me. Then I saw myself – but I was all grown up! When had they done a taping since I’d been an adult?

As the music played on, though, I realized just how significant this was about to be for me. In this taping, I was playing the one part that had a monumental impact on my spiritual life. Here it is as I wrote it a few years ago:

I chose a new part in the pageant. I wanted a change of scenery, and the part needed filled, so I took it…Really, the part wasn’t much different from my old part. Wander around…fill empty spots…make sure you don’t get in anyone’s way. But there was that one tiny part that was a spotlight of sorts. I was to sit on a bench with the little boy who played my son, and watch the man who played Jesus walk through the crowd and greet people. As he came closer to me, the disciples were to gather around him, drape a royal purple robe around his shoulders and bow to him, signifying that he was the “king.” The man who played Jesus was to look at the robe, shake his head, remove the robe, turn, place it around my (and my son’s) shoulders and make a gesture that said something to the effect of “honor the poor and needy…not me.” And then the pageant was to go on, and I was back to spot-filling.

During the first performance, when everyone was in costume for the first time, that little one minute part became one of the most significant moments of my spiritual life. I was overacting a little, trying to be as “into” my part as I could be. I leaned forward on the bench, trying to see everything, and then when the disciples put the robe around his shoulders, I found myself looking down to the ground. Not because the spotlight was too bright in my eyes, but because I realized that I felt in the way by being that close to such an important group of people and an important moment. Then I realized he was removing the robe and I saw it swing around my shoulders. I looked up and made eye contact with him for one moment…just long enough to see a slight smile from him, and then his gesture, which said to me, “Look at her. I know all about her. I know why she’s looking at the floor…why she doesn’t feel important enough or worthy enough to be a part of this moment. But I am choosing her. I love her. She is worth not only enough for me to give her this symbol of royalty, but enough for me to keep right on walking, even when I know that when I get to the end of this road, there will be a cross waiting there for me, and I will have to die on it. But I will do that…for her.”

I can’t prove it without hauling out all the journals (and frankly I’m much too tired) but I am fairly certain that the performance on the screen that night was this very performance. I had tears in my eyes just watching it and remembering how God met me there on the bench by the well. I even muttered under my breath, “I wish I could buy this taping!”

At the end of the music, they announced that DVDs and CDs of the performance were for sale. Don’t you know I was the first one in line!

I watched the Pageant a couple of times this weekend. I even stopped and watched that part in slow motion – just to see the look as my eyes met His and His heart met mine.

Wednesday night went from being a night of disaster to a night of grace. A night when God sensed what was fitting and sent unconstrained favor my way – from planting a cop to force me into the parking lot, to clearing a space for me, to leaving an aisle seat in the back just for me. I can imagine that up in Heaven, He had a huge smile as He sat back and waited for me to realize that the night I’ve remembered so clearly was actually captured on film and I could have my own copy. God knows that little things like that make me happy. What a great Easter gift!

Let There Be Light!

There are some parts of adulthood that are just not my favorite. Among them - home repairs. I will decorate all day long. In fact, I have decorated every room in the house - some twice. I'm forever adding new pictures or changing the paint color or moving the furniture or adding curtains. That I can do. Actual repairs...not so much.

Last fall - I don't even know when, but an embarrassingly long time ago, my kitchen light went on the fritz. It was the oldest light fixture in the history of light. The round fluorescent bulbs. I thought the bulbs were bad, so I bought new ones - which was just shy of a $20 adventure - RIDICULOUS. That worked for a while and then even that didn't work all the time.

Shortly after that, my bathroom light went nuts. After cooking and applying makeup (in their respective rooms, you understand) by the twinkle of Christmas lights for two or three months, I finally called an electrician. He came and did what he could for both lights, but even he was mystified about why the lights wouldn't work consistently.

So, finally, a couple electrician-hunting disasters later, I found someone to look at the lights. Today I became the proud owner of two brand new FUNCTIONING light fixtures. I bought the units around the holidays. They've been riding in the trunk of my car ever since. But now they're up and running!

Now I get to tackle the carpet on the stairs...and the roof on the awning...

The bathroom before. Really, I did have a light fixture up, but after the first electrician came, he left it like this so it would be ready for the next guy. It really added to the decor.

The bathroom light - after. So weird to actually SEE my face in the mirror!

I have no words to describe....

No more cooking by flashlight! (It's the only way to tell when the pork chops are REALLY done.)

Prayer Ponderings - Inspired by Brandon

Last Sunday I posted about prayer, and Brandon (my friend from high school...he and his wife are expecting their first baby in a couple of weeks, and I'm so excited for them!) responded with some good questions. I spent a few minutes this morning responding to him down in the original post, only to have Blogger eat my response. ICK.

So I thought I would pose his questions up here - and see if anyone else has thoughts on these ponderments (a Bekah word) too.

Do our prayers alter God's involvement or direction in the future? If so, does this lend itself to an idea that God has a somewhat limited knowledge of the future (still by His choice)? If not, is prayer more about aligning ourself with the heart of God ... rather than about what we pray about? How is our prayer-life impacted by our internalized view of our parents? Is prayer bigger than our concept (kneeling, eyes-closed) and better captured by a lifestyle?

My response was centered around the first two questions/thoughts. Let me start by saying I am NOT a theologian and do not claim to be. My Dad corners the market on theology in our family, and I am perfectly happy to let him have it. I'm not smart enough to argue the finer points...and that is fine.

But my thought is that prayer can alter God's involvement or direction in the future. I say that because the Bible talks about Abraham's pleas to God to spare Sodom and Gommorah - and after several pieces of conversation between God and Abraham, God was willing to spare the righteous in the city. And just this week I was reading in Isaiah about the life of Hezekiah. God told him to put his house in order because he was soon to die, and he begged God for more time. God heard his cries and saw his tears and granted him another fifteen years of life. I believe that God's infinite knowledge and wisdom allowed him to know that all of that was going to happen (this is where theology kicks in and Bekah kicks out) but the core of me trusts that God is so moved by compassion for His children that He is sometimes willing to change His original course.

That's just my quick answer...with more time, I could come up with more opinion, I'm sure. The rest of it, I'm going to have to think about. But if you have any thoughts of your own - pitch them in!

No Words...Again

How does she manage to scrape by as the next to the lowest EVERY WEEK? I don't understand. I am very sad that Gina is gone. I really liked her. At least I was glad to see the top three is as it should be.

My friend Jessica says she's done because Haley didn't go home.

See, I shoulda quit when she made the top twelve. I'm too hooked now to quit.

That's More Like It

I'm not sure if I enjoyed American Idol more tonight because the genre of music was more appealing to me...or rather because I wasn't dying on the elliptical while I watched. It's a toss-up. Either way, I much preferred this week's music to last. My thoughts (and apologies in advance to Phats, as usual)...

1. Blake - I thought he was very classy tonight - both in his clothing choice and his song presentation. I really like Blake and still think he is far and away the best the of the guys. Good job, Blake.

2. Chris - I wasn't raving inside as much as the judges were over his song, but I just love Chris. He's such a cutie! I do think he had one of his personal best nights ever, though.

3. Melinda - ONCE AGAIN, I cried. Why does she always make me cry? I hated the dress - I didn't think it was very flattering to her, but she nailed that song. WOW. I was thrilled for her that the judges can't find anything to criticize. I still think she should win the entire competition. She is classy, fun, and that beautiful spirit in her should be shared with the world.

4. Phil - I thought he did better than the judges gave him credit for...I knew he was singing that song to his wife. That's dangerous though because she's just one vote (or a small handful at any rate) compared to America. I love Phil and want to see him go on, but I'm worried that he's in trouble this week.

5. Jordin - She really is a joy magnet. They nailed that one. I loved her outfit way more than last week - and I thought she did a good job. I don't think it was her best ever, but she still did great.

6. Gina - She looked STUNNING this week. I was so proud of her for stepping aside from her rocker image (though I love Rocker Gina) and showing that she has another side to her...and proving that very well. Some people try to show another side and only end up showing that they don't have another side. Good job, Gina.

7. Sanjaya - Oh Sanjaya. Actually, in looks and sound, I thought this was probably his best week yet. I was glad he toned it down from the ponyhawk. His quirky ability to entertain will probably carry him through another week...in a very strange way, I like him, but he's just not in the league of the others.

8. Haley - Haley, Haley, Haley. Eh, her song was okay, she looked "good" (that was thrown in just for Phats), but I have to say that I really didn't feel sorry for her when it came time for the judges' comments. What were they supposed to say? When you dress to garner attention, then you can't be mad when all you get is an "I like your legs." He probably didn't even hear the song. She is pretty, she is not a bad singer, and I wish she'd just forget about skimpy clothes and wiggling all around the stage and SING to show us what she can do.

9. Lakisha - I liked her song better this week than last. I still think she's not raised her game quite as much as Melinda. In my book, the gap between them is widening. But all in all, I think she did a good job. Her dress was very pretty, I thought.

My bottom 3 - boy that's a tough one. I'm going to go with Chris, Phil, and Haley. I'm going to guess that Phil gets the boot this week.

PB&J Day

Happy PJ&J Day!

At our church, that stands for Pastor Brian and Jaye. However, as much as they deserve a day in their honor, I don't think that is what today is about.

I found here an article that dishes all the good stuff about how Americans prefer their PB&J. I wasn't included in the original survey (why not??) but would love to offer my own PB&J preferences to you. It may also become my dinner of choice this evening because I will have to eat on my way to Bible study and it's just hard to have a sloppy joe in the car.

My perfect PB&J is a layer of crunchy peanut butter (amazingly enough, I don't care which brand) and a layer of my Mom's homemade strawberry jelly - on white bread. I want both layers on both slices, by the way. I eat the sandwich whole - well, I mean I take bites, but I don't cut the sandwich. I do eat the crust, although I tend to eat all the sides first to get the crust out of the way and get to the good stuff.

What's your perfect sandwich?

Sunday, April 1, 2007

Today, I’m afraid, is more of a rambling than an insight. Today I’m thinking out loud to you. Today you get to know how my journal feels. It might make you feel sorry for it by the end.

I’ve been thinking a lot about prayer lately. Maybe that is because one of the covenants I made with God this year was to pray for people as I’m prompted to do so. Maybe it’s just because I have a lot to say to God. I’m not sure.

My parents raised me to pray. As long as I can remember, we had family devotions every night before bedtime. Devotions always ended with prayer. The on-your-knees kind of prayer. Kids, I’ve decided, make that into a game time. At least this kid did. I would put the top of my head on the floor and wait to get dizzy. I would peek (don’t tell) and get a view of the living room from the perspective of the carpet. I would plant my forehead on the floor and scoot my knees around from left to right and see how many times I could do that without Mom and Dad noticing that I wasn’t being still. I’m sure they’ll write back and tell me they knew about all my tricks. I didn’t quite understand why we had to get on our knees and pray…I just knew that we did it.

Then there was the prayer itself. When I was really little, there was a massive exodus of old men in our church. One by one they died – and my job was to try to remember to remove them from my prayer list after they had died. More than once, I prayed for a dead man and then said “OOPS!” right in the middle of my prayer. So finally I concocted the generic prayer. It went like this. Ahem: “DearJesusthankyouforthisdaythankyouforhelpingusineverythingwedid-andhelpustomorrowinallthatwedoinJesusnameamen.” Every night I would try to beat my speed record in delivering that prayer. Mom would say “I can’t understand you.” I would say, “It’s okay. I was talking to God.” If I were my kid, I’d have smacked me. Mom was much more gracious.

Then I grew up. I made the executive decision to stop kneeling to pray. It wasn’t out of disrespect to God or my parents. I just didn’t like kneeling. I got distracted on my knees. Even as an over-twenty-year-old, I would find myself peeking around the room, letting the blood rush to my head, and swiveling from one side to the other. Maybe I didn’t grow up.

I also started writing my prayers. It only seemed logical since I’m a writer. I even went back and pulled out excerpts of prayers sometimes to use in things I wrote for others. Hope God doesn’t mind if others eavesdrop on our conversations.

But lately I’ve been rethinking that whole kneeling thing. It started with something I read on a blog that made me wonder if God might just appreciate an extra show of reverence. It made me wonder if I would take things more seriously if I developed a specific posture of prayer.

So I’ve tried it a few times. Here’s what I’ve learned. To get out of bed and kneel to pray first thing in the morning leads to falling asleep. To pray on my knees at my bed while the cats are taking a nap leads to my hair getting batted around when they wake up and find me there and my hair up for grabs. To pray on my knees makes me aware that the ONE skinny place on my whole body is the kneecap. BOY, hardwood floors hurt. If I pray on my knees and I don’t pray out loud, I revert to the peeking and swiveling from days of yore.

About the time I started experimenting with this, God called me to pray very specifically for two people. They are in two very different places of life and in need of very different things. But yet my job, I am told, is to pray. Passionately.

Hard to pray passionately when you don’t exactly know what to pray for. So I prayed about that. How do I pray when I don’t know the need? God suggested that I pray Scripture over them. In fact, since God knows how I love lists, He suggested that I come up with 26 Scriptures – one for each letter of the alphabet – and pray that. I loved it. Spent a whole day with a scrap paper folded up in my pocket, ready to add a new verse as I thought of it. I couldn’t wait to start looking up the verses, reading them in context, and applying them to my subjects.

Learned something. What is good for others is good for me. I’m not even to D yet and God has already shown me a whole host of things I get to work on in my own life. I thought this was supposed to be about other people! Guess I get to multi-task.

But when I pray for these two – I alternate between my knees to show my pleading and petition and pacing to keep me focused on my Scripture verses. I focus well when I pace.

So that’s where I am in prayer-land. Haven’t really decided anything. Still experimenting. Still learning. But whether I’m on my knees, sitting, or pacing, the important thing is that I pray.