Coffee Curses

Housekeeping item: Just wanted to tell you that Natasha's name was drawn from the hat last night, so Susie Larson's book is headed her way, and I emailed her to let her know. She actually just participated in a 24 hour readathon, so I hope her eyes are rested by the time the book arrives!

I have so many things to tell you about our weekend, but I thought I'd start with this story, because I want to write about it before I forget it! {And I also want to say on the front end of this post that I realize everything you're about to read is a thousand percent trivial in light of all the truly serious things happening all around us...so I hope you can read it in good lighthearted fun and know that I'm fully aware that none of this really matters.}

I don't know if you remember this or not {I'm going to go with not, because seriously, why would you remember the mundane details of a two-year-old Shafferland???} but two years ago, when we celebrated Ryan's birthday, we went out to eat and then headed to Starbucks so Ryan could cash in on his free birthday drink. When we got there, the freebie wasn't showing up correctly {we had just registered our cards a couple of days before and didn't know that wasn't enough time to actually GET the free drink ON your birthday}. The manager on duty was NOT sympathetic at all and it ended up being one of the worst coffee experiences of our lives.

So.

This past Friday was Ryan's birthday again, as you know, and the one request he had was to have dinner at Tucano's. More on this later, but if you're not familiar with it, it's a festival of meats. {Literally. That's what they call it.} You get a plate, a fork, a knife, and a pair of tongs, and you can sit and eat as much meat as you want. Eat meat 'til you go into a meat coma, which I did. I mean I didn't think I ate that much, but I am such a lightweight and was asleep before we even got home.

After dinner, I needed coffee. Because that's what happens to me after dinner. I need coffee. We wandered around the complex of the outdoor mall where Tucano's is housed, asking Siri over and over for a coffee shop. She pointed us to one, and her little blue location ball blinked rapidly while we stood outside a vacated store that apparently used to sell coffee.

Refusing to admit defeat, we climbed in the car and drove to a Starbucks just over the interstate. Ryan, who had consumed a bit more of the meat festival than I had, decided he was too full for coffee, but my slightly throbbing head was ready for the tiniest little nonfat white chocolate mocha with two pumps of raspberry. And whip.

We pulled up at the drive-thru, and heard these words: Sooooooooooooooooo....we're closing because our computers are down and we can't sell anything. Sorry.

Crickets.


Ryan and I just stared at each other. Surely this was some sort of weird, cruel joke.

The voice again, crackling over the loudspeaker, Oh and that's nationwide, by the way.

Apparently she'd read my mind, which had already pointed our car toward the OTHER Starbucks in town.


Now ready to admit defeat, we drove away, and as we did, we passed a gaggle of people in front of the store, clutching coffee. I did not even care that Ryan's window was still down and my voice dripped with a bitterness I couldn't control. I singled out one blonde woman and said out loud, "HOW COME SHE HAS COFFEE???"

I know she heard me, because she tightened her grip on that cup and gave me the stink eye. I couldn't blame her. I would have done the same thing if the roles had been reversed. But I was still mad about it.

Unsure of what other course of action to take, I turned to Twitter to see if the woman over the loudspeaker had been telling the truth. In short order, I discovered it was true: Starbucks had a nationwide system crash and couldn't accept payment.

Also in short order, I discovered that most Starbucks locations nationwide were giving away free coffee, not closing early.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME!??!!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?

So let me get this straight: two times in three years, we'd been denied coffee at Starbucks on Ryan's birthday??

More importantly, knowing I could not have coffee only  made me want it more. I completely shut down, leaving Ryan to shake my limp hand in my lap and say "Are you okay?"

Do you think I'm okay? This girl was just denied her after-dinner coffee. In what universe is that okay???

A little over halfway home, we stopped at a McDonald's to get coffee. Ryan ordered fresh brew, but I really don't like McDonald's fresh brew, so I had him order me a caramel latte.

When we pulled up to the window, the girl leaned out, firmly gripping a caramel frappe.

If you don't know this, let me pause to tell you how much I love frappes. The frozen blending, the whipped cream, the dripping caramel drizzle...I'm drooling just typing this. I adore frappes. And in that moment, my eye fixated on that thing and wouldn't be peeled away.

The girl was speaking, "...but we're brewing fresh coffee so if you'll just pull forward..." She reached out to hand him the frappe.

Ryan said, "No, we ordered a latte."

I patted his arm with urgency, "It's okay! I'll take the frappe!!"

Right about then, the manager came up behind the girl, took the frappe from her and said, "You have to LISTEN!!"

Obviously offended, she said, "But I WAS listening."

I didn't care who listened and who didn't. There was a perfectly good frappe sitting on a counter on the other side of the glass, and I wanted it! I couldn't bear to see it thrown away.

I grabbed Ryan's arm and looked fiercely into his eyes. "I will drink the frappe. Tell them I will drink it. When they open that window again, get it back."

The girl opened the window and said, "I still need you to pull forward."

With my index finger mercilessly poking Ryan's arm, he said, "Uh, she'll just take that frappe."

The girl, with her manager appendage still lurking close behind, said, "No it's okay, we are making a latte."

I leaned across Ryan, "CAN I JUST HAVE THE FRAPPE????"

Seriously, people! How hard is it to get some coffee in this world!!

The girl handed the frappe {reluctantly} out the window, and I yanked it from Ryan's hands.

We pulled forward, and by the time his fresh brew arrived, I had nearly sucked the frappe dry.

It wasn't my Starbucks. But it got me home. Where....I promptly fell into bed in a full meat-coma. I think I'm incapable of the festival of meats. AND I might have a slight coffee addiction.