I Still Believe

I told you yesterday that I went to the Jeremy Camp concert this past weekend. And while the length of that post might leave you amazed that I have more to say...I have more to say.

If you don't know Jeremy's story - his first wife died of cancer just a few months after they were married. He has since married again and has three children, but he still tells about the pain he went through, losing his young wife so soon after marrying her.

And out of that pain was born this song:



He sang this song Saturday night, and as I leaned against the wall, listening, I really focused on the words:

I still believe in Your faithfulness...I still believe in Your truth...I still believe in Your Holy Word. Even when I don't see, I still believe.

I closed my eyes and could see...words from my journal from the desert days:

Why are you asking this of him? Of me? What have we done that warrants this? It feels like punishment. I know, I know. The Lord disciplines those He loves. But oh, Jesus. This is the worst pain I've ever felt. 

To write my heart's thoughts right now, Lord, even to You...is gut-wrenching. The ache and misery I feel even committing these words to paper is more than I feel I can take. One month ago, he told me he loved me. And today, silence. Oh Jesus. Precious Jesus. Hold me now. Meet me in this pit of anguish. 

Fill me, Jesus. I cling to You now. I miss my Isaac terribly. Long to talk with him. Long to be comforted. My heart is overwhelmed by a combination of grief and hope. Restore life where Satan has destroyed it. Give me joy and peace. I believe. Help Thou my unbelief. Help me to have childlike faith. How do I do this? How do I live with such an ache? How do I move past the hurt and into life again? How, my Jesus?

Help me to be faithful. Help me to hang in here with You. Learn YOUR lessons. YOUR love. God, my heart breaks. Why doesn't my love want me? Why does he push me away? Why doesn't he come to claim me? Help me. I call this to mind and therefore I have hope. Oh Jesus. Be big.

I opened my Bible to Isaiah 35: "The desert and the parched land will be glad; the wilderness will rejoice and blossom. Like the crocus, it will burst into bloom; it will rejoice greatly and shout for joy...strengthen the feeble hands, steady the knees that give way; say to those with weak hearts: 'Be strong and do not fear. Your God will come. He will come with a vengeance; with divine retribution, He will come to save you...' Oh, Jesus, do it!!!

I have dozens of pages from my journal from those desert months - when love left me - that read just like the ones above. Days when I couldn't breathe because I hurt so deeply. When it seemed life would never be okay again.

Days when my faith seemed to drown in doubts, but each time I rose to the surface, I said to my Jesus, I choose You!

I still believe.

Even when I don't see. I still believe. 

And so it was, that night at the concert, with Jeremy singing that song from the very depths of his soul on the stage, I leaned back, tears falling from my eyes, and found myself caught up in Ryan's strong arms.

The love God sent to redeem me was there. Right there behind me with strong arms and a soft kiss against my cheek.

God had indeed come with a vengeance and with divine retribution to save me. Not in the way I prayed He would.

In a way far greater than I could ask or imagine.