SSMT: Verse 17

I love this new verse the Lord drew me to this week. Let me give you the verse first and then tell you why it's pivotal.

I will build you up again

and you will be rebuilt,

O Virgin Israel,

Again you will take up your tambourines

and go out to dance with the joyful.

Jeremiah 31:4

Yesterday marked one year since Isaac and I broke up, and this week brought a flood of memories of our relationship, what could have been and what never was. I remember a year ago this weekend and how thankful I was that it was my college reunion year, so friends surrounded me and took my mind off the heart-searing pain of love loss.

I thought then that I'd never smile again. Never laugh again. Never care again. Never eat again (and to be honest I wasn't super broken up about that part). Never breathe again. And certainly never love again.

And while I was hurt that he made he choice to leave the relationship, I was just as hurt by the pain I was certain I'd caused him. That's the thing about relationships. They're not one-sided. This week I've been haunted by that "other" side again. How could I have done things differently to have left him less wounded by me? What would I have done differently to make a more positive impact, even if in the end, it still meant we would end up apart?

Can't go back, though. Can't undo or redo anything. For better or worse, I said what I said and I did what I did. And I can only depend on God's mercy to wash over both of us and the wounds we left on each other.

So when I ran across this verse in a book I'm reading, it brought tears to my eyes.

I will be built up again. (And so will Isaac.) I will go out to dance with the joyful. (And so will Isaac.) I love the promise of that - for both of us.

I have a lot of people who ask me if I ever hear from him anymore. I don't. And I have no clue if he knows what's going on with me. No idea if he reads the blog anymore. There isn't a day that goes by that the entire journey with him doesn't unfold in my head and play out with all its joy and heartache.

He has gone on with his life. I do know that. And I do hope that God builds him up into the mighty man I know he was created to be.

But to be honest, I try hard not to think too much about that part of the path. Mostly because it still does hurt that I'm not on it with him.

Meanwhile, God has brought laughter back to my life. I smile again. I eat again (and oh the workouts I have to put in to pay for it). I care again. I breathe again (except during the workouts). God still hasn't told me whether or not I ever get to love again. But my heart is open to it if He brings it. And if not...I sure hope there's a good helping of grace for that.

But to know I'll be rebuilt...restored...after the pain I know I caused...is healing to my soul.