Head and Heart Stuff

I haven't written for a long time. Okay a week. But in motor-mouth Bekahland, that might as well be a decade. And I wasn't sure...am still not sure...about writing now. But I'm doing it anyway.

Life has been busy, but not so busy that I couldn't write. School started for our students on Tuesday and work has been chugging along at a pace that goes beyond definition. I try my best to stay not just up with work...but way above it. Weeks like this make it tough - especially when I really really want to be my best and do my best for all the students, and I feel like I'm not able to meet all their expectations. Having said that, the group this year has been exceptional in the niceness category, so I appreciate that.

In all the fluffy stuff - the refrigerator finally died and I had to purchase a new one. The new one is beautiful (okay so it's plain white, very standard, absolutely no bells OR whistles...but it is STILL beautiful) and best of all - things inside are COLD! It's just a concept beyond anything I've known for the last few weeks.

Sunday night, my friend Angi invited me over to use her Cricut. (If you're not a scrapper, that's not going to mean a blessed thing to you...it's a die-cut sort of tool that I will never be able to afford but it's SO COOL.) Anyway, I made several things, some of which I can't post yet because some of you will have a spoiled surprise if I do! But I did make this for my niece...who should have it by now.

I was pretty excited.

And now to the non-fluffy. It's been a really tough week, and that has led to my posting hesitation. I don't really like to post the poor-me business because really...it's okay. But it is, after all, my blog, so I guess if I want to fess up to a rough time, then I'm certainly allowed.

This morning when I got up and headed for my daily devo book, I told God I needed something big. This followed last night's six (I think) kleenex meltdown over the prayer journal where I proceeded to tell God a variety of opinions I hold concerning some people who have disappointed me pretty significantly lately. I had to throw in a (sincere) apology to God that it took such intense hurt to bring me back to a drawn out conversation with Him. Why do I rush so quickly through my time with Him when life is good? Question of the ages, I guess.

So anyway, I opened the book and the first verse on the page said this: "Be still, my daughter." I had chills. I printed out every verse from the morning round and planted them right in front of my computer monitor to view throughout the day. Perhaps a practice I should employ more often?

I do have to stop here to tell you this which just made me giggle and helped ease the extreme tension of the day. One of my friends (whose name I won't mention in case she'd rather it be that way) sent me this as a potential alternate verse...."She drove the peg through his temple into the ground, and he died." I have to admit, it was tempting to write that one down too!

I joined a Beth Moore Bible study (via DVD...not one of the live studies...rats!) and it's about Daniel and prophecy. My dad would clean up on stuff like that. I somewhat get it, but parts of it feel about as natural as chemistry class. But one thing that did come through loud and clear was to follow Daniel's example to resolve to be strong no matter what. So as I've been hit with one "ouchie" after another this week, I've tried to remind myself to resolve to remember what I know to be true about the way God views me.

It's been kind of tough. There are some rumors that have been circulating about me in the past few weeks. I haven't really wanted to blog about this because I know some people who read might be hurt by it...but again...it's my blog. After about a year of fighting God on the issue, I made the decision to obey Him and leave the church I've been attending for a very long time. I didn't go because I was mad at anybody or disgruntled with leadership or anything of the sort. I was just simply obeying what I know God was leading me to do. I expected rumors, because situations like this tend to lend themselves to such things. I even figured out what some of them would be. But one in particular hit me from out of nowhere and it was really really hard to hear. I cried so hard because it made me question everything about who I am.

Add to that a week's worth of "fat days" - you girls get that, right? - and the complete loss of confidence over my ability to write...it's made for some tough, tough days.

So I say all of that with really no idea what I'm trying to say. I have no great concluding paragraph. This is just me and my bruised up heart hoping you were able to read this in the spirit I intended and not in some "poor Bekah" way.