Sunday Smattering

Very.

Busy.

Week.

Last Sunday morning, I did a tour-de-churches...none of them my own. I began at a church here in town, where I attended the baby dedication for a good friend's baby. (She has asked for complete online anonymity where the baby is concerned, so I can't say any more than that or show you any pictures.) The church had more announcements than ANY OTHER CHURCH I've ever been to in my whole life, and I started to worry I'd not get away in time to make it to church #2, but I did - with literal seconds to spare.

Church #2 was my parents' church, Hazel Dell Friends:

I went to their church for "Book Tour: Stop One" - which you can read about over on the book blog.


Sunday evening I watched the Colts game - and this was my favorite moment of the whole game:

Monday evening was ice cream time! A few days back, the National Quartet Convention was held in Louisville, Kentucky, and that was the next to the last thing Isaac and I had planned to do together. I handled the loss of that none too gracefully, I'm afraid, so I asked Jonathan if we could drown it in some ice cream. He was busy during the actual days of the NQC, so we had to take a rain check. We also watched the Braves/Phillies game, because an IWU alum, Brandon Beachy made his MLB debut during that game. I didn't know Brandon personally, but I knew of him from work, so I wanted to watch his game. Pretty exciting!

Tuesday was manicure night. I traded in Fedora for Wildfire:

Tuesday was also the first episode of the Biggest Loser. Anyone else watching that this season?

Wednesday evening I went to church, and my favorite quote of the night was this: "I asked God, Where should I grow next?" At first I thought I just heard wrong and it was Where should I go next? But then I knew I heard correctly...and I really liked that mindset!

Thursday evening was "stay-home-and-rest-to-try-to-avoid-getting-sick" night. This entire week has been very challenging at work. Much discouragement and many tears on my part (sometimes I take my job far too personally). I'm sure the lack of rest wasn't helping any.

Friday I didn't feel well at all, and of course, it was the first visit day of the year. (Visit days are the days when high school students come to see the campus, and I always attend the academic/athletic fair to represent the office. Therefore, visit days require actually doing my hair and makeup, wearing extra dressy clothes, and being super perky. Tough to do when feeling sick!) So Friday evening, I hunkered down in the fat chair and worked on my next online scrapbook. Got most of it done!

Saturday I prepared for the next game night with my high school buddies! First, I had to go grocery shopping, so I could make dessert....

This time we played a game called Finish Lines (I stunk at that)...followed by a version of dominoes. A very fancy version of dominoes:

I was SO CLOSE to winning one of the games. (Yes, only one. But that's really big for me!) I had my very last domino and I even had a place to play it! And the person who got a turn right before me played her last one and won the game.

Sadness.

But I had much fun at game night! And that concludes another week in Bekahland!

Boot Camp Continues

In all the beauty that surrounded that Sunday afternoon on the back porch, God was stirring up a boot camp special just for me. Remember those things I was supposed to be working on in my desert? Remember how fear was one of them? In the span of just 10 days prior to that afternoon, I had:

1) Driven on an interstate, around Indianapolis, and missed my exit getting to my sister's house.
2) Flown alone for the first time ever.
3) Flown alone for the second time ever.
4) Driven home on the interestate after my trip to Virginia Beach
5) Driven on the interstate AGAIN to go to my sister's for the concert (this time had a detour).
6) Driven home AGAIN on the interstate.

And yet I still hated the thing.

But Sunday afternoon as God and I had that conversation you read a couple of days ago, I received a message from my friend Ronda, who is Jonathan's mom. The same day I'd left for Virginia Beach, Jonathan had left on a road trip of his own. As we'd briefly chatted about our vacations prior to leaving, I'd said something about being able to pick him up at the airport if he needed a ride. I only said it because I thought it unlikely to occur.

That was because I didn't know about boot camp.

Ronda called and said Jonathan had mentioned I'd be able to pick him up. She was supposed to go get him, but she was so tired, and she knew I wasn't sleeping anyway, so she wondered if I really could get him.

I gulped.

And yet I'd been chanting Philippians 4:13 with great fervor throughout the desert journey. If I could get out of bed with God's strength, certainly airport navigation could be done with the same strength.

So I said yes.

First order of business? Look up the airport route online. I entered my starting and ending destinations and studied the path it laid out for me. The roads didn’t look quite like the path Ronda recommended on the phone.

Second order of business? Consult a local. I sent a message to a friend who lives near the airport and asked advice for the best route. He advised the same path Ronda told me about, so I dug into the recesses of random mental trivia and recalled the time I’d watched Isaac searching for directions online. He’d dragged the path on the computer screen until it fit the way he wanted it to go, and the directions recalculated for him. I tried it and it worked! (Now why couldn’t the path through the wilderness submit to that sort of thing?)

Third order of business? Find a GPS. I’m so technologically behind, it’s embarrassing. One of the dozens of gadgets I don’t own is a GPS. But somehow, the idea of navigating a four lane highway in the heart of the city, after dark, with printed instructions in twelve point font seemed to point to disaster. Though I’m ordinarily opposed to asking for charity, I allowed logic to overrule pride for a moment and called my friend, Judy, who had once offered to loan me her GPS for another trip. She was home and not planning to make a midnight run anywhere, so I was free to borrow it. By the time I got to her house, she had even charged it and put in the directions so it would be ready for use.

Fourth order of business? Read the online directions again and again, just in case the GPS failed. I memorized exit numbers and tried to envision general paths.

And so it was that at 10:00, I slid into the driver’s seat of my car and plopped the borrowed GPS on my dash. Squaring my shoulders and grasping the wheel firmly at 10 and 2, I pointed my car toward the interstate and began my journey. The road was blessedly empty at that time of night and I navigated smoothly toward the heart of the city.

Suddenly the road that I thought would be a straight shot from the interstate to the airport began to curve and merge and because I was stuck behind a semi (with construction barriers bursting past dreadfully close to my passenger side), I couldn’t see the signs. With blood pressure rising, I phoned the local who had earlier advised me on the route. He assured me I was still on the right road and told me it would continue to do that until I got to the airport. Why don’t people tell me these things?

My little GPS man continued to feed me evenly spoken directions and at last, I found myself headed toward the parking lot to sit and wait for the call to come to the curb. I double checked the locks on my doors (after all, it was midnight) and pulled out the prayer cards I’d brought to occupy my wait.

When I received the message saying the plane had just landed, I looked out the car window and said, Thank You, LORD. Who would have thought that this girl who was crippled by fear of city driving for so many years would rather impulsively borrow a GPS, hop in her car, drive alone at night to the airport and do it all successfully?

Jonathan found his way to the door of the airport and I sidled up next to the curb and popped the trunk for his suitcase. As I hopped out of the car I said with perhaps a bit too much eagerness, “Hey, you want to drive home?” After all, let’s not get too crazy with this fear conquering!

But I remember the thought that occurred to me shortly before the road got crazy on me: The desert is kind of like driving to the airport. One sign at a time. One mile at a time. You just go forward. Sometimes it’s a straight shot. Sometimes it’s crazy curvy and confusing. Sometimes it’s easy going. Sometimes it’s fast and scary. But you do it. You call for help when you need…you listen to the Voice feeding you the directions…and eventually you arrive. And it’s all done in His strength.

Show Us Your Life: Master Bedroom

I told you last week my house was old...and because it's old, it doesn't actually have a master bedroom. The master bedroom, therefore, becomes whatever room I determine is the master. And right now, I pick the biggest bedroom!

I've decided that while I'm still single and can do whatever I want...I want a purple bedroom. If I ever get married, we can pick a more guy-appropriate color. I redid this room about three or four years ago, and my entire goal was to do it on a budget. Mission accomplished!

I got this bed-in-a-bag on a pretty significant sale...and I built the rest of the room around it.

In college (freshman year, no less) I found myself nicknamed Princess by my new friends, and it stuck. So every now and then people give me "princess gear." Here are a couple of gifts that hang out on the bed just because they can. The bunny is a Build-A-Bear bunny that my former roommate gave me one year. I used to have this soft pale green bunny named Hippity, but after the tornado, I sent him out to my niece, since I thought she could use some Hippity. Angela decided to replace him with this guy. Loved it!

I ended up decorating for fall tonight, so here's one of the decorations that landed in the bedroom. I love this little cornucopia. A few years ago, my boss's wife started selling Homemaker's Idea (a home-based party business) products, so lots of people I knew had parties for her. As a result, I ended up investing in quite a bit of their stuff in a short period of time. This was one of those things...and I love it.

Another home party that I used to go to often was from the Party Lite business. (Candles.) This was one of my favorite things I earned free from that. The bottom is a vase, which I usually fill with glass marbles. And the top part holds a tealight - and can be its own holder or stack up like this.

Bought this for about two bucks a while ago when a bookstore was going out of business. I keep it in my room to remind me to pray for my Mr. Missing.

Mom gave me this as a gift several years ago. It's really supposed to be outside, but I didn't want it to get all weather-worn. I decided to put leaves under it to give it that outdoor feel.

This little table was a castoff from my parents. FREE FURNITURE!! :) I've used it in several different rooms over the years, but for now it's a bedroom feature. Behind it you can see the wall striping. That took forever, but I loved the way it turned out. I used three shades of purple in the room. The darkest purple and lightest purple are in the stripes, and the medium is the top part of the wall. Dad hung a white chair rail for me. Love it! The room is pretty dark, but I don't care because it's a bedroom.

I went with Mom to tour a show home and the designer had used one of these little jobbies for an earring holder. Loved it. Went straight to Hobby Lobby and bought my own! Now I can find my earrings quickly in the morning, which is important since I'm usually not the owner of many spare minutes!

My best friend gave me this oil lamp as a gift several years ago and I just redecorated it for fall. The vase part can have anything put in it to match the decor...and the top part is the actual lamp. I am having a hard time finding replacement wicks though!

My floors are hardwood, but Mom and Dad gave me this extra little rug just for fun. (Look who wanted to pose on it for pictures!) If you're reading along with the desert tale, you'll soon hear much about this rug. It became a huge place of prayer for me.

This is one of my favorite parts of the room. I found this idea on HGTV. When I first redid the room, this was the "headboard" to my bed. But I switched things around and now it's the backdrop to the dresser. The curtain hides an attic door.

Told you I love pictures everywhere!

And I know this is NOT the bedroom. You already saw the fireplace last week...but I decorated it for fall and I loved it so much I just had to show you!!

Thanks for reading along...adventures from the desert will resume tomorrow!

Sunday Afternoon Outside

The Sunday before Memorial Day weekend was absolutely gorgeous. Sunny, not too hot, not too cold, a slight breeze. GORGEOUS. So after I came home from church, I took my laptop and my journal and headed outside to my little patio table to enjoy some fresh air. (Being inside my house was still too hard for me.)

So I sat and wrote from my heart to my Jesus...

You are moving in ways I can’t grasp. What must You be doing in Isaac?

I never thought healing in my heart was possible. I never thought I could breathe again. Never thought I would laugh again – at least until he came back to me. I never dreamed I would care about my own life again. And that I would have any reason to hope or live. And yet I feel some zest for life creeping back toward me.

As I sat there, I read from Ephesians. (I have a set of verses...one for every letter of the alphabet...that I've been praying for my Mr. Missing husband for several years now. One of the verses comes from Ephesians, where it talks about how husbands should love their wives as Christ loved the church. That was what I read as I journaled this next part...)

Even so, Jesus, how I miss my sweet boy. Lord God, I want to pray a new prayer over him. You’ve told me You’ll bring him back healed and restored and better able to love me than before – and today as I read one of my husband verses in Ephesians, I realized this whole CHAPTER is pivotal, or this whole section, rather:

“Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.” (Ephesians 5:22-24)

Help me to submit to You in this time – even while I pray that You will be at work in him in such a way that I can safely submit to him when You bring him back to me. Make him into the husband I can trust. The one who is head over me in a way that honors YOU.


“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.” (Ephesians 5:25-27)

Lord, teach him now, in this wilderness, how to love me. Lift him up, precious Jesus, and give him worth as a leader. Open his eyes to what he’s capable of doing. Plant in him a desire to love me as You love me. Let our love be tender and let it point to You in all things.

As I read those prayers now, the hurting part of me wonders if those were moments wasted, but the logical part of me knows they weren't. If Isaac ever chooses to marry, I hope those prayers I prayed for him will make him a better husband for his wife. And I don't know whether or not anyone will choose to marry me, but if so, I hope the prayers I prayed for myself in those moments will make me a better woman for that role.

Jesus, THANK YOU for this storm. Thank You for this wilderness. Thank You for taking a risk on me. Thank You for seeing something in me I couldn’t/can’t see. Thank You for holding me. Thank You for getting me out of bed every day and pushing me to work and to exercise and to feed the cats and to do laundry.

Thank You for crying with me, interceding before the Father, and for giving me hope.

And Oh, God, how I wish I knew what You were doing in Isaac right now. How I wish I understood Your ways – and yet I know they are so beyond me.

This is consecrated time. Of that, I am sure. Jesus, help me to redeem the time. Help me to not waste it. Help me to be uplifted and help me to trust You in this wilderness.

Life is good, Jesus. Sitting here on the back porch, at my table, feeling the breeze against my arm, drinking chai, chatting online with Angela, looking out at green grass and sunny skies with a hint of clouds. My pitiful rosebushes are blooming. The weeds are alive and here I am – actually enjoying this life.

Well God, I’ve reached the end of another prayer journal. The end of another piece of the journey I share with You. I was in a drought when I entered this book and I’m leaving it in a desert. But, my precious Jesus – Blessed be Your name...when I’m found in the desert place... though I walk through the wilderness...blessed be your name. When the darkness closes in, Lord, still I will say: BLESSED BE THE NAME OF THE LORD!

Psalm 40 – Oh Jesus, hear my cry. Lift me – lift ISAAC– out of the slimy pit. Set our feet on a rock and put a new song in our mouth. Let our story – our lives – be a testimony to others. Bring about the wonders You have planned in our lives – in our relationship.

I do desire to do Your will. I know Isaac desires the same. Let us speak of Your faithfulness.

Save us. Save our love. Be big in our lives. Be our magnificent obsession.

Oh, do not delay, Father. Work a mighty work. Be glorified.

And Jesus, as I start a new journal, I take with me the cry of my heart – oh may all who come behind me find me faithful. Jesus, keep me faithful to YOU. Keep me faithful to my sweet Isaac. Keep me faithful in this journey. You know the way that I take. Please keep me close to Your side and bring me forth as gold. Hasten the Promised Land, sweet Jesus. Be glorified.

Conversations with God...

The day after the Gaither concert, I went on a (semi-huge) shopping spree down in Indianapolis to get some clothes that actually fit. I was tired of the work ladies complaining about my baggy pants...but more than that, some of the pants were actually starting to fall down while on me. This is NOT a good thing. Armed with a new stash of fitting clothes, I came home.

But despite my determination to participate in things like concerts and shopping, my heart was never far from conversing with the Lord.

One of the things I struggled with that day was knowing that the following weekend was Memorial Day weekend. Back in the pre-wilderness days, Isaac had invited me to visit him at his parents' home to meet the family over that weekend. Given that we were "wildernessing" and really at that point, not even talking, I was pretty certain the road trip was off. But my heart wanted so much to believe God was about to rock a miracle in my world, I refused to give in to the possibility of anything less.

My heart has ached today, Jesus. Memorial Day is next weekend and my thoughts struggle to accept the reality of not going. I know it is still a week away and perhaps, somehow, You are working to create a way for me to go as planned, but I feel I must prepare also to not go and to trust that if that’s the case, You are still faithful. 

That last sentence stands out to me as I read it now, because that became the core of my struggle in the not-too-distant future. I had to learn how to accept that HE was still faithful as Almighty God even when the miracle my heart knew I'd been promised did not materialize.

Lord, how do I learn to wait patiently before You? 

That's the closest you'll ever get to hearing me pray for patience. :)

Guess what Streams used as a verse that day? Good old Psalm 37:5 - "Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him and he will do this." Psalm 37...the chapter that started the whole journey back in February...surfaced again! Streams went on to say...

“The literal meaning of this verse is, ‘Roll your way onto Jehovah and trust upon Him and He works'...When does He work? He works now. We act as if God does not immediately accept our trust in Him and thereby delays accomplishing what we ask Him to do. We fail to understand that He works as we commit. He works now! Our expectation that He will work is the very thing enabling the Holy Spirit to accomplish what we have rolled onto Him. At that point, it is out of our grasp and we are not to try to do it ourselves. He works! Take comfort from this and do not try to pick it up again. What a relief there is in knowing He really is at work in our difficulty! He works if you have rolled your burdens onto Him and are looking unto Jesus to do it. Your faith may be tested, but He works. The Lord will follow through on His covenant promises. Whatever He takes and holds in His hand, He will accomplish. Therefore His past mercies are guarantees for the future and worthy reasons for continuing to cry out to Him.”

Lord, You and I did have a good talk on the drive home today – in which I know I heard You ask me to stay faithful – to let You love me – to trust You, to be ready for the door to blow wide open…to be prepared to move quickly.
Again...as I read this now, the phrase "to let You love me" stands out. I didn't understand that day what God wanted when He whispered those words to my heart that day!

Oh Father, I roll the burden to You. You see my sweet Isaac. Heal his heart. Love him. Carry him. Set him free. Teach him to love me as You love the church.

Jesus, I do believe Your covenant and I believe You have spoken and You will fulfill. You will be big in our lives. You will restore love and wholeness.

God Gave a Song

** I interrupt this desert tale to notify you I've put up a new post over on the book blog. Hint! First speaking engagement! AND - there's another blog post unrelated to the desert below this one. Funny old picture of Bekah if you need a good laugh!**

I did, in fact, survive the rest of my vacation, and I returned to work. The day I returned to work, I knew in my heart that Isaac was struggling. I just knew his heart. And that night I poured out such fervent prayer in my journal that I cannot even bring myself to post the words. Isaac has not read them, but I feel to post them would be too raw for either of us, so I can't.

And what I'm going to talk about today is something I actually posted about before, but now that you know the rest of the story, you can appreciate it that much more.

Suffice it to say, even though I can't post that prayer, my heart was completely broken. Completely aching.

And right then came the Gaither concert. The concert I never would have gone to of my own accord, but my sister wanted to go so she could see Michael English. (Who, unfortunately, was not even there that night.) The concert we booked in January. Before I even met Isaac.

You can't tell me God isn't behind this stuff.

I posted a super extensive post about this concert back in May, complete with pictures, but tonight I want to post for you the three songs that spoke to me the most that night.

The first one was called The Promise, sung by the Martins. I'd never heard this song before, because the ONE album of theirs that I don't own is the one that contains this song. But sitting there in the audience, this one reduced me to tears. (And not pretty ones.) I posted the video that has the captions rolling so you can see the words, but the part that got me the most was the chorus, which says,

'Cause you know I made a promise that I intend to keep
My grace will be sufficient in your time of need
My love will be the anchor that you can hold onto
This is the promise, this is the promise I've made to you.
And in those words, I was reminded that my sweet Heavenly Father made a promise to me. And I gritted my teeth in the determination that He would be faithful to do as He said.



The second song that unexpectedly "got" me was Mark Lowry's song Make it Real. Normally I don't like this song (not peppy enough) but that night, it could have been my life story.

There must be some good reason why You brought me here
Through valleys where the shadows hover close
Down here there's a mask to cover every face
But Your sweet Face I long to see the most
So if You think there's just the slightest hope for me
In spite of all my questions and my doubts
Then let me hear Your still small Voice speak out my name
And let me know what others talk about.

And I needed just that. I needed to know God had not abandoned me in this wilderness.


When Mark sang that night, he worked part of this song into the one posted above, but I couldn't find it that way online. But this song made me literally sob in my seat, because it was one I'd learned not too many months before the desert began, and I'd been singing it to myself over and over in the recent days. I believe...help Thou my unbelief...I walk into the unknown...trusting...


And this last song, aside from being one of my favorites in general, was part of the birthday gift I'd given Isaac just weeks earlier. The lyrics were what I hoped he'd come to know and love about me.

I am His child and I am not afraid...I know how fear builds walls instead of bridges...When relationships demand commitment, then I'll be there to care and follow through...Your Kingdom come around and through and in me...Your power and glory, let them shine through me...Your hallowed name, oh may I bear with honor...and may Your living Kingdom come in me.


A simple concert. A night of entertainment. And yet completely ordained by God months in advance...all the way down to the song set and the girl sporting pink shirt and baggy capris down in the ninth row.

He doesn't miss a thing.

Happy Anniversary....

25 years ago today...I was much shorter...sported a red dress...and a tight French Braid (sealed with a rubber band from a set of braces because it was all the hair stylist could find in her station)...and carried a little basket, from which I dropped red rose petals down an aisle...

...while my oldest sister got married. Happy anniversary Lori and Jeff! Congratulations on 25 years!

And because September 21 is such a popular day of love, 8 years ago I put on a gorgeous yellow dress (still love the little train it had!), put gel in my what-was-she-thinking short hair, picked up a gold single stemmed rose....

...and served as the maid of honor in my best friend's wedding. Not the movie. Happy anniversary Mark and Lynnette!


Today I'm putting on black and khaki, scrunching my hair since I have no time to do anything else with it, and I'm going to do loans all day.

Not quite as much fun.

Coming Home

After a couple of days off, I think I'm ready to resume reliving the desert. Even typing that sentence reminds me of a particular part of the desert (that we're actually almost to...) when I would have paid a great sum of money for a two day reprieve. Isn't it hard when you're facing something in life (whether illness or loss or unemployment or anything that brings challenge) and you just want a two day vacation, and you can't have it?

When I arrived home from Virginia Beach, I actually got back to my house pretty late at night. I was able to go to bed and fall asleep. But I knew that when I awakened the next day, I would still have to face the first of two remaining vacation days - neither of which held any plans. I had no idea what I would do for two whole days.

The minute I woke up, I started journaling.

Jesus. Be so powerful in my life. I long to be found faithful – even in this storm.

Yesterday’s Streams says, “Often the Lord calls us aside from our work for a season and asks us to be still and learn before we go out again to minister. And the hours spent waiting are not lost time.” And as I sat in Lynnette’s apartment yesterday and cried out to You, I knew that’s what You were asking of me. To be still. To trust You. To understand that You are at work.

I would like to break into my journaling reverie here to say that looking back, I see that from the moment I walked into the desert, and all the way through it, I never doubted God was behind it. I didn't like it. It hurt. No one around me understood it except Isaac, and he was the one person I couldn't share it with. But I knew God had ordered it for me, and I was fiercely determined to be faithful to the very end of it. Now back to journaling about Streams.

And it goes on to say, “Quite often, God will ask us to wait before we go, so we may fully recover form our last mission before entering the next stage of our journey and work.” Oh God. I know You must need this of us, but Holy Father, how desperately I miss my sweet love. How I miss his gentle words of love.

And today. How I hurt. How I long for the day to be like it was 2 months ago when we met for the first time.

Today’s Streams says, “The pressure of difficult times makes us value life…Some people have a shallowness about them with their superficial nature. They lightly take hold of a theory or a promise and then carelessly tell of their distrust of those who retreat from every trial. Yet a man or woman who has experienced great suffering will never do this. They are very tender and gentle and understand what suffering really means…Trials and difficult times are needed to press us forward. They work in the way the fire in the hold of a mighty steamship provides the energy that moves the pistons, turns the engine, and propels the great vessel across the sea, even when facing the wind and the waves.”

Maybe I am shallow. Maybe I need this time to understand deep despair for later in ministry.
Jesus, I’m sorry I’ve struggled to trust You so much. It must grieve Your heart. I’m sorry I need so much work. I’m sorry I look down at the waves when You ask me to look to You.
Do you remember that old hymn Tis so Sweet to Trust in Jesus? That day, as I journaled and tried to search my heart in front of the Lord, one of the lines of that song came to me...Oh for grace to trust You more, sweet Father. Fill me. Please bring me forth as gold. Please, Jesus. Empower me to be the Bekah You intend.

Eventually I got out of bed and tried to get ready. Tried to unpack a few things and open the stack of mail that had come in and do other “home from vacation” chores. That afternoon I couldn’t take the suffocating silence of home anymore and I went out to get a tea to drink. While I was out, I stopped by Nate's mother-in-law's office to see her. She told me she was headed down to Nate's that night to watch the baby – and she invited me to go along.

The thought of being back in their house – with all its memories of Isaac– pierced me, but I knew I needed to go. Needed to be back in the place of those comforting memories just as much as I needed to overcome them. So I rode down with her. She played with the baby, and I sat huddled on the couch with my journal and Bible. The same couch where Isaac sat with me just a couple of months earlier now felt strangely comforting as I wrestled with his absence.

Being here – at Nate's – is hard. This couch…where we sat. This room, where he sang to me. Upstairs – where we had so many talks. But I praise You, at the same time – for the chance to be here. The chance to get through this healing “first.”

Jesus, please hold my precious Isaac tonight. Please work a healing in his heart. Teach me how to love him – and how to let go in this time, when that is clearly what You want from me.
I have to turn him over to You. I have to let him go into Your arms and trust You to do a powerful work in the both of us. How do I do it? How do I release the one my heart loves to Your altar?

And yet I know there’s no safer place for him to be.

Jesus. I need You. I need Your arms around me. I need Your comfort to overwhelm me. I need Your strength to carry me.
Then I got out my new study Bible and began to study. Right there in the middle of the babysitting.

Hold me, precious Father. Teach me to love You. To delight in You. To trust You.
Psalm 37:3 says, “Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.”

Trust means “to attach oneself, confide in, feel safe, be confident, secure. Denotes a confident expectation. The folly of relying upon any other type of security is strongly contrasted with depending upon God alone.” Jesus, I want to attach myself to the word I know I heard You say. Keep me safe and confident in the words I know I’ve heard from You. Help me to live confidently. Help me to place my trust in You alone, not in what Isaac says or doesn’t say.

Isaiah 25:9 – “In that day they will say, ‘Surely this is our God; we trusted in him and he saved us. This is the Lord, we trusted in him; let us rejoice and be glad in his salvation.’” Oh Jesus, hasten that day. Bring us together and make us aware of Your presence and guidance.

Isaiah 26:3 – “you will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you.”

I wondered what Nate thought when he saw me that evening. I’d already lost quite a bit of weight and I was sure the heaviness of my life showed on my face. I wanted him to see I was okay – but I also wanted him to see I was not okay.

Sunday Smattering

Welcome to the Sunday smattering...I'm just warning you now...you might want to get some coffee or something. You could be here a while. Busy week. :)


One of the inexplicable side effects of the post-Isaac life is that sometimes I have days where I just can't be at home. I never know when they might hit, but when they do, I can't be home. Last Sunday was such a day. I tried to stay home and watch the Colts but I just couldn't do it.

Fortunately, a friend of mine called and invited me to the park with her and her daughter. I ended up taking over 50 pictures of this little sweet thing! I don't want to post too many since she's not my kid, but these few seemed okay...

Cutie pie kiddo!!

But not a baby anymore! After I was done hanging out with them, I went to another friend's house until midnight. While there...I edited park pictures!

Monday...I got to meet this little sweet thing! This is li'l Hazel Haisley. She belongs to my Monday lunch date, Jenny, and we had to go take her outside on our lunch hour. She is precious.

I wasn't kidding about the "li'l" part.

* Monday night Julie Crandall came to visit and to pick up the Bible study books I wrote about last Sunday. It was her first extended time away from her new baby, so we celebrated with dinner out at IHOP. (By the way - HUGE fan of their new iced coffee with free refills. YES PLEASE!)

* Tuesday night two friends from church trekked my way to have dinner with me at Fazolis. We didn't know it was kids night. We shouted over them. :) Then they came back to see my house and we talked for a while before they went home!

* Thursday night, I came home to find SEVEN boxes of my book on my front porch. That's a startling sight to come home to, for sure! But I was happy to see them, since the last shipment was just about gone. Now I'm all ready for Christmas shoppers. :)

After that, I went to my friend Rachel's house to make a couple of bracelets. (Her jewelry creations are much better than mine...let the record show.) But I'm reading Beth Moore's book "Believing God" with a friend, and in the book, she suggests wearing a blue bracelet throughout the course of the study as a reminder to believe Him. So now we have bracelets!

Last night, I had dinner with my parents at Culver's. (Don't lecture me about the extreme eating out this week!) While there, I had the chance to show them my new scrapbook, which I want to show you, too! You know how I LOVE to scrap, but this summer, scrapping overwhelmed me. I took two vacations in the span of one month...and I needed to do a whole album for each vacation. Plus, I'm struggling to keep up with my regular album (got behind during the desert, when I just didn't care about scrapping). So in a move that shocked most of my friends, I resorted to online scrapping at Picaboo. I tried it only after reading a recommendation on The Mom Creative blog. I knew from reading that Jessica (the blogger) is serious about her pictures, so if she recommended them...they must be good. My first album arrived:

AND I LOVE IT. I'm completely addicted, and I got my friends Kari and Sandee addicted, too! I loved being able to journal tons (love to do that on vacation books) and have some pictures bigger than others....

Even whole page pictures for my absolute favorites. I also love that the albums are stored online, so if something happens to my book, I could get another one...

So, so happy with the way it turned out. It saved literally dozens of hours, and lots of space. At the rate I'm going, by the time I'm 85, I'll have to build a room on my house to hold all the scrapbooks. These books are much slimmer.

And to round out the week....

I do love fall, and one of my favorite things about fall....pumpkins! Yesterday I went to a nearby orchard/pumpkin patch, with the lovely Rachel Ashley.

We found a pumpkin that had a muffin top, so I posed with it. Muffin top twins! Hee hee hee.

Beautiful apple trees....

Stack-o-pumpkins. I bought a couple of these for my house. Time to break out the fall decor!

Picking out my pumpkins.....really wishing now I would have done my hair!

The lovely Miss Rachel - who DID do her hair.

And inside...apples, apples everywhere!

Thanks for reading along! Hope you enjoyed!

Show Us Your Life: Living Rooms!

I'm taking an extra day's break from my desert tale. I need it. I'm sure you probably do too.

Want to pause for one moment to say that today would be my nephew's 22nd birthday. I miss him very much...think about him always! Last year I posted more about him - you can read it here or here or even here.

Now...on to today's business. Kelly, over at Kelly's Korner, brought back her "Show Us Your Life" home tours. I gotta tell you that while I love looking at everyone's posts, I'm not crazy about plastering my house on my blog, so my post is going to have a twist. Not so much a tour of the room itself as much as my favorite things in the room. The things that make it home. So here you go! Meet my living room!!


My house is very old, and the lady who lived in it right before me painstakingly applied embossed wallpaper to the ceiling in the living room and dining room. I know - sounds crazy! But check it out...I think it has a great classic tin ceiling look. Way more unique than tiles (which is what you'd find underneath).

Right now, my living room is painted a couple different shades of red, but that will be changing soon. I love the color, but it's not a very big room and the dark paint really makes it seem tiny. (I hadn't learned that bit of advice from HGTV until AFTER I painted the room...rookie mistake.)


My lil welcome sign. My sister, Lori, gave this to me for Christmas one year, and I just love it. She found it (I think this is right!) at Duckwalls...which was a very fun store in her town...pre-tornado. It didn't rebuild after the tornado, so my Duckwalls collection is now very limited. Moment of silence...

Ahhhh I love this little guy. I had been hunting for a fireplace for months, because I thought it would be the perfect ambiance for my home...and I couldn't find anything I liked in my price range. During Christmas break last year, I found this gem on clearance at Meijer. It was the only one left, so they held it and Dad came over with his van to haul it home for me. We were thrilled (especially Dad, since this was about to impact him directly) to find out it came pre-assembled!

I love it that it can be a corner unit OR a flat wall unit. It has a "false top" that pops up to make it a corner unit. It runs with heat or can run with the flame only. I can't wait to see how this looks with Christmas stockings this year!

I really don't have many DVDs...and it's true that most of them are Gaither Homecoming! (Primarily the ones that feature David...not that there's any correlation...) In the winter, when I'm stuck in the house all the time, I love to put in a DVD and sing at the top of my lungs. My apologies to the neighbors...

One thing you will find all over my house...picture frames! I'm all about making a home by displaying reminders of the people I love! This frame was a gift from Lori a couple of Christmases ago...she got it online at the Personalization Mall and I thought it was a great gift. We had this picture taken when we were all together for Cassie's graduation. Probably time for another one soon!

I have a strange attachment to the lighting of Christmas lights. When I was in college (remember this, Christina?) we had a dorm room lighted entirely by strands of Christmas lights. So calming! So I have this basket with pine cones and these little flowers. I got the flowers several years ago at a Homemaker's Idea party (come to think of it, the basket is from there, too!) and still love them. I have several sets, actually - a few I use year round and some are reserved for Christmas trees. Each flower has a clear plastic center, and you put a light bulb in it so the flower itself lights up. So pretty!

Another of my favorite pictures...Cassie giving her graduation speech behind the Presidential seal! Pretty cool!! And you can see there...a candle. In the winter I heat several rooms of my house with candles because I'm too cheap to turn up the heat. :) This candle is coffee scented. YES PLEASE!!

Please meet the wildly popular Fat Chair. Everyone loves the Fat Chair. Most of my friends actually ask to sit in it, rather than the love seat, when they come over. It reclines and is so blessed comfortable. The material actually feels like a blanket. One of the best purchases I ever made. As you can see, Braeya also loves the Fat Chair and can often be found perched right there where you see her. It's so handy that she coordinates with it....

One of my good, good friends from high school, Amber, drew this picture. IN HIGH SCHOOL. Isn't that amazing? (Amber was the one who traveled with me to Hershey last summer.) Anyway, Amber's been a brilliant artist ever since we were kids, and then she did this picture, which sealed her brilliance, I think! I believe a judge in Kokomo purchased the original, but she had a handful of prints made of it and I bought one of them. I much prefer to display the art of those I know in real life, and Amber is certainly an amazing talent!

And finally - the curtains. These are on their way out too, mostly because they've been up for about five years and have just seen better days. I have new curtains purchased to go with the forthcoming paint job. But these curtains were made from scratch! My former boss's wife came over and sewed them for me based on an idea from the Pottery Barn catalog! I paid less than five bucks for the whole thing - material, ribbon, and cat-enticing-fringe!

So there you have it! Bekah's living room! And it's definitely lived in! (I skipped taking pictures of the place where the carpet needs cleaned because I got adhesive on it doing a craft project...or the crumbs on the side table because I usually eat my dinner while watching TV...or the little place where I accidentally took the finish off another side table while removing nail polish...)

A Desert at the Beach

To see the "vacation recap" of my trip to Virginia Beach, you can go back to my May archives and read through them.

But back in May, you didn't know about my desert...so today I want to share with you the flip side of the trip.

The heart-side.

As you can probably tell from the last post, the day I arrived was emotional and exhausting. I'd driven on the interstate the night before my flight, in order to get to my sister's house. You know how I feel about interstates! That particular night, I was flipped off by a driver and missed my exit, so you can imagine my spirits upon arrival at Julie's. Add to that the lack of sleep due to nerves, a full day of flying...and I was just one tuckered mess.

Our first order of business was to visit the Norfolk Botanical Gardens, which I loved, but one of the sights we saw was the stunning terrace where weddings are held...and that was the last little bit my heart could take. When we arrived back at Mark and Lynnette's apartment, I collapsed in her lap and cried. She was the perfect best friend that day. She cried with me (every girl knows that is a must), she didn't try to fix it, she listened with great sympathy, and she told me that in her heart, she knew he was the right one for me. And she promised me I'd make it through this.

And two glasses of sweet tea and a decent portion of a chicken quesadilla later, I believed her.

Lynnette took such loving care of me that weekend. She made sure we had places to go and sights to see...and when my heart became overwhelmed, she let me have my moments to sit and ponder.

I didn't have a lot of time to journal while I was there, but I did sneak in some words to the Lord over the course of the weekend...

The final hours of being 31...not how I imagined them at all...alone and yet in a relationship…I want to release it. I want to be still. I want You to work. But I don’t know how to let You. Oh Father, redeem my birthday. You redeemed Valentine’s Day in a mighty way. You redeemed the 25th. Be big in my life, Lord, and redeem my birthday. I beg of You. I BEG.

(Side note...God did not "redeem the day" in the way I thought He would. In the way I longed for Him to. But He did give me a GORGEOUS day to spend at the ocean, and He gave me a best friend who made the hardest birthday the best I've ever had.)

Thirty two. Thirty-two and not the birthday I would have imagined. In so many ways…a beautiful day. Oh how I loved seeing the ocean. Loved dipping my toes in it and walking the beach and feeling the sand and savoring every second. I did not take it for granted. Not a moment.

My heart is starting to feel defiant. Everything reminds me of him. Everything. Mark and Lynnette call each other Babe and I can hear his voice saying it to me. Everywhere we went tonight, we saw people holding hands and I can feel him reaching for mine. Everything, God.
And even while my heart breaks at the silence, I still feel You pressing me to step back and let You work in him.

Streams says, “Remember, clouds are always ahead of God’s cleansing wind.” God, I DO NOT understand what You are doing.

I read this the other day – Ezekiel 22:13: “Will your courage endure or your hands be strong in the day I deal with you? I, the Lord, have spoken and I will do it.”
(Side note: This verse was a direct warning from God, and I knew it. Through these words, He was asking me to wait even when it seemed impossible, and to be QUIET and let Him accomplish what He'd spoken to my heart. You'll soon see I struggled significantly with that part of the order.)

Jesus, help me. Am I too messed up? Do You have the wrong girl? Am I capable of enduring this desert? I kept thinking of Luke 1:38 today – “I am the Lord’s servant. Let it be to me as You have said.”

Father God, I believe You made me for Isaac. And I believe he was made for me. I do not see how this can be mended. But be big, God. Be big in our story.

Sunday was particularly tough for me. I went to church with Mark and Lynnette and my heart stung. I sat in a church that was part of his very denomination – and missed him. I went to lunch – and missed him. We went to a state park and walked around – and I missed him. We went to Norfolk and looked around the ships – and I missed him. He loves history. He’d love that trip. We rode a ferry – without him.

That night, I wrote, Today was tough. To be in that church – and know it’s his church.To hear the song Blessed Be Your Name and know I’ve got to praise You even when it hurts.

Streams says, “Many prayers of believers are hindered by Satan. Yet you do not need to fear when your unanswered prayers are piling up for soon they will break through like a flood. When that happens, not only will your answers flow through, but they will also be accompanied by new beginnings.” Oh, Jesus, please don’t let Satan defeat us. Break through. Be big – HUGE – in our lives.
Final side note: I've posted the song Blessed Be Your Name below. Remember yesterday when I talked about flying out to Kansas for Cassie's graduation a couple of years ago? Her graduation was on the one-year anniversary of the tornado, and the church service that morning was a community service held in a huge tent in the park. I distinctly remember standing in that service, while we sang this song, and I just cried, because I knew was standing in the company of people who could sing that song in a way I could not. When we sang "Blessed be Your Name on the road marked with suffering...though there's pain in the offering...blessed be Your Name...You give and take away...my heart will choose to say...Lord, blessed be Your Name..." I knew I couldn't really say those words. I hadn't walked a road marked with suffering. Not like all those people around me who had just lost everything they owned and were starting to make a new life out of rubble. I didn't know what it meant to have what was given taken away. I'd never had to choose to say, "Lord, blessed be Your Name."
Until that Sunday. And standing in that church in Virginia Beach, with my stupid sunburned-swollen feet making cankles over my sandals, I cried again during that song because this time I knew. I knew the road marked with suffering. I knew the pain in the offering. And I was choosing to say "Lord, Blessed be Your Name."

Fear of Flying

** New blog post up over on the book blog if you want to check it out!! ** (Link on left side of this blog.)

Remember that list that God gave me to work on in my desert? Remember what headed that list?



Fear.



And I learned, throughout the course of the desert that the only way I can face fear is to...in fact...face the fear.



I'm not even sure I can accurately explain to you my fear of flying alone. I'd never flown ever in my life until my late 20's. I think it was in the fall of 2005 that I flew for the first time. My Mom (who hates flying, by the way) and I flew to Kansas to watch my niece play in a volleyball tournament. I was sick with a cold at the time and experienced significant dizziness in takeoffs and landings, which was oh-so-fun.



The next time I flew was in May of 2007, when I made the emergency trip back to Kansas after the tornado...and that time I flew with my sister, Julie. And exactly one year later, I flew out for Cassie's high school graduation....accompanied by Julie, my Aunt B, and my brother-in-law's mom. During that trip, we had some turbulent takeoffs which again, brought about dizziness.



Unfortunately, during those trips, I never paid much attention to things like...how to find the right terminal and gate...where to pick up luggage...anything regarding overhead luggage bins...and of course, there was the ever-present issue of getting through security.



Airport security and I have never gotten along well. It started back in my college days...before terrorists attacked...when non-passengers could still go through security to see the travelers safely to the door of the plane. During one such trip to the airport, I was unable to clear the walk-through scan, so the little agent with the wand came over to scan me personally. Know what set off the scanner? MY KNEES. My non-metal-owning knees. Over and over they went off. When you don't have screws and pins in your knees and yet they set off a scanner - you're just doomed.



During the trip that Mom and I made to Kansas, my bag was searched because the scrapbook I carried with me had post hinges which in an x-ray, apparently look like weapons.



Add to these things my somehwat stupid insistance to watch movies like Flight Plan and Air Force One...and I was just a royal flying wreck.



I found that literally no one understood the paralyzing fear within me as I faced the prospect of flying alone that week. What if I couldn't find my way through the airport? What if they detained me at security for something like MY KNEES? What if I ended up at the wrong gate and missed my flight? What if we were held in bad weather and I missed my connection? I had no idea how to reschedule a flight. What if birds got in the engine? (Sully retired.) What if this time, I got motion sickness? What if my seatmate got motion sickness? What if the dizziness got really bad and I passed out? Who would find me?



You may roll your eyes, but I assure you these fears were all-consuming for me and all the lonelier because the answer everyone offered was "You'll be fine."



The night before my flight, I sank into my sister's great big king sized bed and lectured myself that there was no backing out. I'd paid the money and refused to face the scoffs of others if I did back out. I was going. I'd take just one step at a time until I had my toes in the ocean.



I nearly threw up when my sister drove away from the curb into absolute darkness at 5:15 in the morning, leaving me in front of the Delta kiosk




But let me tell you the things God did that day in Bekah's Fear Boot Camp:
* I did get lost in the airport shortly after this picture. (The Indianapolis airport had opened a new building since the last time I flew, so even though I'd flown out of this city before, this particular building was brand new to me.) But God gave me a calm...and I found my way toward security.
* It may seem dumb, but when I got in the (ridiculously long) security line, I was directly behind a guy that could have been the twin of a good friend of mine. Even though I didn't know this man, there was something lovely about feeling like I stood behind a friend.
* I made it through security despite forgetting to remove my baggie of liquid items from my carry-on.
* My first flight had a deaf family on it, so for the 45 minutes or so that I sat at the gate, waiting to board, I at least had something to watch to keep my mind off the storm outside.
* No seatmate on either flight I took that day. I was able to fully relax without fear of being in someone's personal space - or fear of them throwing up.
* Despite HORRIBLE weather the entire day, the flights were smooth and on time.
* The Detroit airport, where I had a layover, was much larger than I anticipated, but my two hour layover gave me plenty of time to find my gate, buy a chai, and read some Beth Moore.
* During my layover, an uber-friendly man in a seat nearby took it upon himself to tell me how his previous flight had been rerouted due to a medical emergency. Really? Do I have to hear this? When I boarded plane #2 with him, I had a near-panic attack wondering if I would be the next medical emergency in his path. But God was good to reach out to me when I cried out to Him from my seat.
* Learned upon landing that there's an actual method to finding your luggage on the little carousel thingies. So glad Lynnette was there at the airport with me to teach me that. I would have been a complete luggage-less mess trying to find it on my own!
That night, I wrote,
So thankful for Your grace and strength that got me through today’s travels. I was so scared in security…in the airports…on the flights…I cried out to You over and over. And You were there to meet me. And I praise You.

Streams says: “The way to peace and victory is to accept every circumstance and every trial as being straight from the hand of our loving Father…lovingly and divinely appointed.”
And that is how God got me (and my desert) to Virginia Beach. And I'm happy to report that by the time I had to do it all in reverse a few days later, I felt much stronger. (I was still nauseated by the thought of security, but definitely not the same girl who flew out.) That's the work of a stubbornly loving God!

Bridge

I wanted to offer this post as a bridge between the scary post of yesterday (which I'm still terrified that I posted) and the important-lesson post coming up. I want to begin by responding to the great point Tsofah left yesterday in my comments. It is true that as you've read over the recent desert posts, you've seen a very broken Bekah who was desperate to have her life as she knew it restored.

Remember that the time you're reading about was back in May. I've done a lot of growing and changing since May. I don't want to misrepresent myself. There are days still...now...when I struggle with anger and disappointment and that crushed feeling inside. I say that because I don't want you to think I'm perfect or some super-saint who figured it all out on cue and without any snags.

Quite the opposite.

I'm pretty sure that throughout the course of this journey, I hit the highest high I've ever known and I sank into the deepest low I've ever known, too. I dealt with the physical, the spiritual, and the emotional effects of my circumstances...

...and it was all necessary. I don't entirely know why it was all necessary. Not yet. But I know that each lesson and...well, really each moment led to something that I'll use along the way in the life God has written for me. There were moments that I didn't handle well. You've already seen some of them. There were moments when I failed significantly. There were also moments when I succeeded wildly in ways I couldn't even see until someone pointed them out.

My friend Marie used to tell me that when God desires to accomplish something in your life, He'll accomplish it. You can let Him do so by submitting to His way, or you can fight Him and run the risk of learning the hard way. (Think of Saul's blinding conversion!) Either way, you'll learn. And unfortunately, because I'm stubborn, I had to learn the hard way. A few days ago I posted a link to Selah's song Draw Me, Lord. That's the part you're reading right now. How He allowed me to find such deep brokenness that I deeply desired to draw near to Him in a way I'd never done before.

Right after Mother's Day, I prepared to leave for my birthday vacation to Virginia Beach. I'd waited 32 years to see the ocean and yet that week, even the ocean held no appeal for me. But the ticket was purchased and my best friend was expecting me. So I determined I would go, desire or no desire.

That week, I also began to struggle with real anger for the first time since the wilderness/desert began. It was hard to read his online updates and see that he seemed to be doing just fine (key word, I think, was seemed) and I was visibly weighed down with such brokenness. I didn't want to live in anger, so I tried to curb it, but at the same time, I understood that working through the anger was part of the process, so I tried to give myself permission to feel it, process it, and move on from it.

One night, I wrote: How You spoke to my heart today…about seeking You first. Jesus, I do want to. I want to follow hard after You and watch You be big in my life – in my life with Isaac. In Isaac's life.

Jesus, I really am starting to get excited about my trip. The suitcase is packed. My bed is strewn with the guts of the carry-on...

...And, precious Jesus, help me be faithful to him. Help me to encourage him. Help him to accept it and be soothed by it. Hold me up in Your love, Holy Father.

He is my blessing from You. My good and perfect gift. My treasure. Protect us, Jesus.