Moving: The Emotions Edition

My parents built their own home back in the 60's, and they remain there to this day. The house has undergone some transformation along the way, starting in the late 70's when some baby showed up unexpectedly, requiring the addition of a bedroom, and again in the 80's whey they added "the new room" onto the back of it. Everyone still calls it "the new room," by the way.

Once, when I was in high school, I remember Mom talking about a house in Greentown that she liked, and I don't remember if it was officially for sale or not, but my hopes soared that we would move. Nothing seemed grander to me than a move and a fresh start. I mentally imagined a moving day and what it would be like to live in town within walking distance of my friends. As paragraph one's spoiler alert may have told you, that never happened. And I still think of it every time I drive past that house. The house I never got to live in.

So my first chance to "move" was when I went to college and lived in a dorm. For four years, I "moved" regularly, in and out of dorm rooms and apartments, and while I can assure you we hauled more than any college student ever should, it still wasn't a true move. It was just a heavy vacation load.

After college, and before I could move into this house where I've been ever since, I spent three months living in an apartment with college friends. I never unpacked most of my clothes from the suitcase, and I slept on a trundle bed. I felt more like a guest than a roommate, and from there, I came to Bekahland-now-Shafferland, where I've been ever since.

Moving STILL seems like an adventure to me, and I am eager beyond words for the day to arrive. {We still don't have that day nailed down.}

Ryan told me the other day that he wondered if the reality of leaving my first real grown-up home and the first place we ever lived as a married couple would settle over me and begin to hurt. If I would find myself overwhelmed and saddened by what I'm leaving behind.

I'm not sure. It might come. This house, after all, has such a rich history for our family, dating back to the years my grandparents lived here. And I've done a LOT of growing up in these walls. So yes, the day might come when I have a little meltdown because I'm leaving my roots. And if that day does come, I will allow myself that grief and all the tears it brings and be okay with it.

On the flip side, I am incredibly excited for this move. I'm excited for the chance to make a new home with Ryan, one that has always only been ours together. One we can make decisions about together. I'm excited to sort through every possession and find it a home and purge the things we don't need. {And I'm relieved I started that process LAST year, so it's a million times easier now.}

But even more than excitement over the house, I'm excited for new routines. Our day will look really different without a commute in it. I don't know what it will look like, exactly, but it will look different, and I celebrate that.

And honestly, I don't know the town all that well. I have so much to learn. Street names will be a fine start, but everything will be new: new grocery store, new coffee shop, new running spots, new everything. I'm excited to uncover those delights and embrace them as my own. That was something I didn't do here in my current town until I was almost gone from it and realized I never got to know it. I don't want to make that mistake again.

So the emotions these days are running high in a good way. Excitement for our future. Joy in this journey. We still have no updates for you on our own home, and that has been one part of the journey that remains hard. I had more than a few meltdowns over it last week, but I'm choosing to trust in the moments when it seems bleak. {And there are a lot of those moments.} Faith is a whole lot more about grit than feelings!

Homecomings

The time is coming.

The twenty year high school reunion.

It sounds so old to me. How am I old enough to be out of high school for twenty years? Ryan and I talked the other day, after seeing a picture of friends our age who have teenage kids, and we decided not having kids makes us feel younger. Like we're somehow prolonging any aging process because we don't have kids growing older before our very eyes to remind us that we are doing the same thing.

Anyway. Twenty years. Twenty years since I roamed the halls of our little high school, slamming my shiny green locker door shut and scurrying to make it to whatever reach of the brick building before the tardy bell rang. Twenty years since I took my place at the end of the long lunch table, eating the infamous rectangle "pizzas" and drinking the iced tea I paid extra to have. Twenty years since an unknown substance in the Chemistry lab ate a hole in the front of my skirt and twenty years since I made endless batches of chocolate chip cookies in the Home Ec kitchens.

Social media changes the face of reunions. There's no reason to go back to see who got married, who stayed skinny and who found success, because a quick scroll through Facebook will tell you all of that {and probably a whole lot more you didn't care to know}.

This week, I started reading Christie Purifoy's book, Roots and Sky, and she says "Homecoming is a single word, and we use it to describe a single event. But true homecoming requires more time. It seems to be a process rather than a moment...homecoming is always a return and our understanding of home deepens with each encounter."

The weekend of the reunion, I plan to "go home" {which is really not far from where I am now} and see people that I sometimes see and sometimes never see. I'll take with me a husband who spent all those years in the same building, but I never had a clue I would end up belonging to him. I'll see the real life versions of the people I see online every day. And that will be my single-word homecoming.

But Christie's right. Homecoming DOES require more time. It is a process. The Facebook page our class president started just a couple of days ago to contain all the plans for that single event has already been flooded with throwback pictures. Fuzzy photos of skinny kids with LOTS of hair product, wearing pleated pants and turtlenecks, perms and pegged jeans, and possessing no clue of what was ahead of them.

We're posting and gasping and liking and giggling like elementary kids again, but in that, we're processing the people we were and the people we are now, and we're uncovering more of who we are by remembering who we were. And I think I like it - the process homecoming.

And I thought you might enjoy a little Friday fun! Here are some of the gems my classmates dug up. Can you find me? {It's easier in some than others.}

{Ask Ryan which ones confused him!!}

A Look Back at January

Last week, I had a few (very few) spare minutes and decided to start reflecting on this year. It's almost December, and I'm the sort of person who likes to wrap up a year. So I went back and read through my January blog posts.

WOW.
God was setting up the year right and left, and I had no clue.

This is what I wrote on January 1:

And then I remembered this verse...one I learned years ago..."So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." - Isaiah 41:10 - God knew. He saw the hurt and confusion and joy all fighting for first place in my heart and head.



I had no clue that would become the theme for the year. But He had a clue. (By the way - this was the verse Grandma Sue quoted to me when she and I first started talking about Isaac.)
From January 3:

In my mind, I can see the potential that is the office-to-be. I can see the book collection lining the yet-to-arrive shelves. I can see the pictures and baskets of desk supplies. It would be pretty tempting to close the door to that room until “reveal day” and then enter with my mug of steaming coffee and my creative mind…and write masterpieces.
Well, I am not sure about the masterpieces part, but I'm thrilled to say the office-to-be is assembled and the book collection looks just as it did in my mind's eye!!
From January 5:
R.I.P., Mr. and Mrs. Mouse. Once I know you did not procreate in my humble abode, I (hopefully) will find a measure of peace myself.
Some things just don't end. I think I'll save that story for later this week.
From January 8:

But mostly, what I have learned about myself is that my well-intentioned goals, resolutions, covenants, and commitments have put me in boxes that keep me from allowing God to be at work in my life. I am a good rule-follower, but if God would happen to want to do something outside what I'd prescribed, He'd be out of luck.

So this year is His. I'm disciplining myself in the areas of study, exercise and writing, but He takes it from there. If I need to loosen up some of my legalistic patterns, He's got the room to teach me how. If I need to buckle down on something, I have the time for Him to help me make it happen.
Oh Bekah. What were you ASKING!?!!
From January 10:
I think we should look at our situations, even if they’re internal, and decide if they’re worth a dollar of energy…or just ten cents. We need to decide their worth. Not what others would say.
And if they’re worth a dollar…then get in there and spend some energy. Fight. Clean up. Work hard. And if they’re only worth ten cents…then pay the dime and move on.
I think I paid my life savings this year. And I'd do it again - because it was worth it.
From January 15:
I'm hardly an expert. I think if they start a new reality show called The Slowest Loser, I'd make a great contestant.
Didn't expect the weight loss plan I ended up on this year, but after looking at last year's Christmas pictures, I'd say I'd no longer win my aforementioned show.
From January 17:

Planner-people don’t like foggy lives. Anything less than full visibility into the steps ahead is just plain annoying. And yet there are days – like the ones this weekend – when life is full of thick, heavy, choking fog. And while I technically did have a choice about whether or not I was going to drive in it, life does not offer the same option. Life must be lived.

But just like the fog outside my car caused me to occasionally turn down the music and turn up the prayers, the foggy life drives me to my prayer journal and my open Bible. I recognize…more than ever…in those moments that I am dependent…because I can’t see. And I have no power to change that.
Can we say FORESHADOWING???
From January 20:
This is from my quick comment on a new writing idea I had pulled out and begun to research...

And I think it's about to grow. I thought the idea was just going to be a chapter of a larger work. But after I started...I have a feeling it's going to grow and take on a life of its own. Typical with me. :)

Know what it was about? Consecrated time with the Lord. When He sets apart a chunk of time...

From January 23:
I'm still probably on the "high strung" list, but I've mellowed. I think so many years of things not going my way have pushed me to just not insist on having such a scripted way. Make a plan. Know that in all likelihood, it will change. Allow a few moments to work through the alteration. Embrace what really happens. And write about it because it's probably funny.

I wouldn't put this year on the funny list - and probably won't ever put it there. But it sure did mellow me. Yes it did.

From January 24:
This was in response to the reading in Streams in the Desert that day - where the writer talked about how the rests in music are just as important as the notes.

The rests count. And sometimes the rests make the parts that follow all the better.
And I don't mind telling you - this year has been the rest. I'm ready for God to bring on the downbeat.
From January 26:


The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.

...Deuteronomy 31:8

Permission to Fail

Jody posted a blog about vulnerability in writing. I've been thinking about that since I read it yesterday morning. It scares me sometimes to think about my unknown blog readers. I try to be smart about what I post so I don't get myself in too much trouble. But at the same time, I think writers have a certain obligation to be transparent in some ways. Readers want to know they're not alone.

And so in that spirit, I bring you today's Bekahland flaw. You can judge me if you want. I know it needs work.

I've never given myself permission to fail.

Ever.

At anything.

Please don't interpret this to mean that I haven't failed. I have. Many times. I'm the girl who had to call her economics teacher father during college midterms to report she was failing economics. I'm the girl who nearly didn't graduate on time because she did not have a pass in a pass/fail elective class her final semester of college. (Ironically in history...another of Dad's specialties.) I'm the girl who can still tell you the NAME (first, middle AND last) of a student whose aid she messed up ten years ago when she first learned to process aid. Please note that information will not actually be divulged, in the interest of privacy laws, but I'm just saying it still lives on in this brain.

There are many more examples, but in order to preserve a bit of self-esteem, I'll stop there.

Today I made a mistake. Or rather, I was informed of a mistake. And people, let me tell you. Grace and mercy went flying and I actually had tears in my eyes. Not tears of embarrassment or disappointment. Tears of flat out anger. I self-lectured for several minutes on the utter ridiculousness of this situation. I was momentarily interrupted by the person who found my mistake and I explained I was in the middle of some self-discipline. She laughed and said, "Of all people, I knew I didn't need to say a word to you. You will be beating yourself up for this for days."

It's true.

I don't love it when other people mess up, but I normally extend some compassion. But I sure struggle to do so when I'm in the hot seat. Not proud of it. But it's true. Gotta learn to grant some permission to fail.

Disorganized Beginnings

I'm sure it's my OCD tendencies, but I do so love very organized beginnings to new months. In fact, last year I took a day off work either the last day or first day of each month to sort of get everything in its place.

So I was NOT amused today to go flying out of the house without pouring the coffee I'd made (no time), not opening the curtains (no time), and skidding into work at LITERALLY the last possible minute.

Tonight I had a meeting I don't normally have on Mondays, so my evening routine was out of whack...you get the idea.

Having said this, I would like to pause amid the disorganization for a moment to remember...

...my kiddo.

Not mine by flesh and blood, but such a part of my heart. Little Miss Carol, the first baby whose birth I ever witnessed, left this earth to be in Heaven with Jesus. No warning. No time to plan or prepare, although how does a person ever prepare to say goodbye to such a sweet and tiny life?

I remember the phone call at work. I remember paging my ex-boyfriend over and over, not caring that we were exes...only knowing I needed him right then. I remember going into my neighboring counselor's office and crying on her shoulder. I remember being sent home but not being able to go home. I remember going to another friend's office and sitting in her cubicle until her staff meeting finished.

I remember wanting so much to go be with Carol's family but not feeling right about it since I wasn't family. I remember her mom calling me and asking me to come because she needed me. I remember sitting helplessly in their living room, feeling like I should know what to say because I'd walked that road before...years earlier...and yet not knowing what to say.

Funny what you remember.

Funny what you will yourself to remember, knowing there can never be new memories made.

I miss Carol. Nine years doesn't make that go away.

Keeping a Good Thing Around

Last year I started a new method of scrapping, just for fun.

I loved it.

As of last night, this is the full (very full) 2009 scrapbook. I'm thinking of using it for workouts.

Everyone scraps differently. That's the beauty of the hobby. Each person's style is her scrapping fingerprint.

My style is sort of a chronological journalistic style. My scrapbooks are an extention of my journals - with pictures. That's why I do separate books of major events...like my vacation to Hershey...my weekend in Brown County...my niece's high school graduation. I want to be able to write out the details of the stories that happen, and I just don't have room in the already-way-too-big yearly scrapbook.

Last year, for Christmas, my sister gave me a wall calendar that doubled as scrapbook background paper. Best gift ever, as it inspired my new scrapping idea for this year. Sometimes I have one or two pictures too many for my page covering an event in my life. Or sometimes I take just one picture of something and I don't have a page that covers that event. This used to frustrate me when scrapping, and I'd been known to waste an entire 12x12 page trying to use those random pictures.

No more!

The calendar pages became "month-in-review" pages. As I worked my way through my scrapbook this past year, I'd save one page at the beginning of the month, and along the way, I'd tuck in those extra pictures, ticket stubs, nametags...whatever randomness I had. At the end of the month, I'd crop them, mat them, arrange them, and write beside them the people in the picture, and the date it was taken. Each page also had a journaling box, which allowed me to summarize the highlights of the month.

This year, I searched for a similar calendar, but couldn't find one, so instead I'm using standard background paper from Hobby Lobby to accomplish the same purpose. I'll just do the journaling review on my computer and print it out in a coordinating color.

The page opposite my month-in-review page was this calendar page, which is another idea I loved so much that I'm keeping it for this year. I found these blank pages at Hobby Lobby. They came printed with the calendar grid and the days of the week. I added everything else. I used a big, whimsical stamp set to stamp the name of the month at the top, and then I stamped around it something that coordinated with the month. I stamped the dates in the boxes and then kept a journal of sorts of things that happened - whether or not they were covered elsewhere in the scrapbook.


I included everything from births to events I attended to random trivia to news items. I also stamped something alongside every item just to spice up the page a bit. Loved the way it looked!

And finally, the bulk of the pages were the actual events that took place. I stamp every background myself - using random stamps that coordinate with the event. This page was of my scrapping day at the Craft Hideaway, so I used stamps of scissors and rulers. I crop my pictures into squares, rectangles, circles, and ovals, and I mat each one for a more finished look. Somewhere on each page, I include a journaling box, where I explain the event. And then I write the names of the people in the pictures around each one so when I'm old and senile, I can remember who they (we) were. I create a title for each page (or spread) and use the same stamps on each title bar, so they all match. Down in the bottom corner of each page, I also write the date of each event so I can easily keep track of it.

So that's how I scrap! I love this method much more than the old scattered version. I'm excited to see how it looks down the road when I can pull volumes of books off the shelves and relive each year!

2009, Thanks for A Great Year!

Is it possible to will yourself to have a good year? Maybe, maybe not. But I did enter 2009 with great hopes that it would be a truly wonderful year, and it was. I'm sitting here beside my very fat scrapbook, thankful for the opportunity to have so many beautiful memories.

Thank you for reading along with me this year, for leaving me comments, for loving me, or putting up with me, or whatever you did. :) I love my blogging family!

And to close out 2009, here's the year in review! (AKA - watch Bekah's hair grow and change colors.)

January
I rang in the new year with my friends, the Hancocks, and during the festivities, learned that the newest Hancock kiddo would make an appearance in the summer! Despite the snow and ice that came with the month, January was filled with lunches, dinners, game nights, and scrap days with friends. And at the end of the month - a trip to the Gaither store which officially makes the best caramel frappes on the planet. I'm not kidding.

February
The month of love - despised by so many of my friends, was actually a fun month for me. Well, not including the days I got sick and even missed work! Gasp. I squeezed in a few dinners and fun nights with friends and enjoyed a wonderful Valentine's day - with the cutest dates - all my "nieces" and "nephews." That's one of them above - Hannah - who wanted to break out the bubbles she got from me! 

March

March was the month of firsts - first track meet, first time playing the Wii, and first time running. I also was blessed to be sponsored to attend a Brethren Way of Christ retreat - which was one of the best experiences of the whole year! And at the end of the month...I had a fun Aunt Bekah weekend with Liam and Savannah, who wore me out when they had a sleepover at my house. So much fun, though!

April

Ahh, April. The month when I went shopping for that smashing (?) dress above and ended up shopping with a cross-dresser. Good times. Had a couple rounds of birthday parties for the kiddos in my life, survived reading Scripture - in Aramaic - at our church's Easter service, and brought out the lawn mower for the first time. Love that freshly cut grass smell!

May

How to condense the month of May to a paragraph!? I enjoyed my birthday and all the celebrations that went with it. My sister, brother-in-law, and niece came to visit, and I loved spending time with them. And even before they vacated my guest room, I bailed on a vacation of my own! May was my first big-girl vacation...out to Hershey, Pennsylvania with my friend Amber. Long drive on a long toll road, but the beautiful botanical gardens, fun museum, and Chocolate World were well worth it!


June

June...the month my house was struck by lightning, which fried my phone and internet lines, and established literally hours of conversation on the automated trouble-shooting call center. It was bad when I could recite the menu alongside Ms. Fake Lady. When I wasn't on the phone with them...I was helping friends with projects, learning to grill, going to cookouts, and meeting my college roommate's new baby - Brady.

July

The baby-meeting fun continued into July when I was honored to attend the birth of baby James. Love this little guy! He waited the whole month to show up, so while I waited, I spent some time at the fair, went mini-golfing, gave some campus tours (oh such a funny story from that one tour!), and hosted a blogging Bible study!

August

August was a month spent with friends! A couple of my college friends stopped by while they were in town, I got to meet up with my friends at my old church when I visited for James' dedication, and I spent time with high school buddies at the summer game night. And when I wasn't doing all that - I was up at the lake, loving life on the water, and making friends with this little cutie!

September

My fall-o-fun kicked off in September when I went to the David Phelps Concert!! Still cracks me up that the defibrillator is in the background of this picture. I also spent time remembering my nephew (my real nephew, not an honorary one) who was stillborn 21 years ago.

October

Busy month, that October. It kicked off with the Extraordinary Women Conference, which I attended with my friend, Marie. Later that month, I went to hear my friend, Brent, do a concert. At the end of the month, I went to Brown County with another friend, Julie. Great vacation in the peak of foliage! :) Oh, and when I came home, the fun ended and yard work began. And continued. On and on.


November

I took a brief break from yard work to attend the Indy Christian Writer's Conference, where I met some new friends! And I enjoyed a wonderfully relaxing day at the Cherished Moments Craft Hideaway with some great scrapping friends! I foresee another visit to this in my 2010 future!


December

And that brings us to December - a month filled with friend after friend. Baking days, plays, shopping, home tours, concerts, tea and coffee dates, trips through the walkway of lights, candlelight services, presents, and fun. And of course, family. We couldn't all be together on Christmas, but I'm thankful for the family I have and how they put up with me and support me!

And now...I need a nap. :) I'm so looking forward to 2010. I am hoping for an equally fat scrapbook of equally wonderful memories!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Final Bits for 2009!

It did not even occur to me until the other day that we are just days away from not only a new year – but a new decade. While reading some year-end recap list online, I encountered a decade-end recap list. How did this happen? Ten years? The infamous Y2K was ten whole years ago?

This news has me in somewhat of a dither, because I dearly love beautiful, clean closures. And this year, I’ve been so consumed with Christmas details that I’ve barely had time to reflect upon 2009 – let alone the first decade of this century. And even five whole vacation days looming ahead won’t be enough time…or so it feels.

I remember when 1999 rolled into 2000. I remember eating boxed mac and cheese, working on a puzzle, and wondering how I’d get home that night if the world and all its stoplights fell apart at midnight.

I was in college then…which might be why I can’t imagine ten years have passed. I’m not old enough to have been out of college almost ten years!

And yet this past decade has brought so much to my life:

I graduated from college, somehow managing to spend the last semester attending school full time, writing a book project, and working many hours a week in my newfound job.

The newfound job in the world of math was certainly not what I expected to do after college, but I was so thankful for it – and it’s one of the things about my life that hasn’t changed in ten years.
I moved into my grandparents’ house – which hasn’t changed – and began the revolving door of paint colors and furniture placement that continues to baffle my parents.

This was also the decade of professional bridesmaid-ship, and to prove it, I have a lovely selection of gowns in various styles, colors and sizes, and an accompanying interesting selection of wedding stories that could only happen in Bekahland.

My scrapping addiction took on a life of its own, and even though y’all might roll your eyes at the volumes of pictures that inhabit my house, I assure you I love looking at them all. In fact, I read through one of them just this evening.

To finance my scrapping addiction, I spent a few years selling products for Stampin’ Up! – which I’m convinced is what pushed me out of my shy-shell and into a people-loving personality. Didn’t hurt the stamp collection either!

Writing, writing, writing gave way to teaching Bible studies and coming up with more ideas of things to write – and eventually pushed me to take the publishing plunge –but that will come about in the next decade.

I became a cat-mom, which is not to be confused with the crazy cat lady. Kaegan and Braeya, though still currently on probation for the mouse-in-the-house situation, have been such a blessing, and I’m glad they’re part of my little writing house. It seems only appropriate.

Watching so many of my friends journey into marriage and parenthood has been fun and educational. Though there have been many moments when I didn’t enjoy being on the outside looking in (I won’t pretend to be the hero – most of you know better, anyway) I have done my very best to absorb what I’ve seen so that someday I can make good use of their ups and downs!
It’s been a decade of learning I can do more than I thought – including cooking, mowing the yard, cleaning up cat yammy, driving in cities (notice I said learning I can do….not learning to love), paying bills, living on a budget, and changing the oil. JUST KIDDING on that last one. Wanted to see if Dad was awake.

Not every moment was pretty. I had my share (maybe more than my share) of tripping, falling, and sometimes not having the will to get back up. Learned some lessons the hard way, and others are still lessons in progress. What’s that old song I learned as a kid? “He’s still workin’ on me?”

So that’s a decade in Bekahland – in major fast forward. Right now I don’t want to think ahead to ten years down the road, because I’m not ready to embrace being over forty. Let me work my way through being over thirty first. But that aside, I am excited to see what this decade brings. Welcome, 2010 and subsequent decade!