For Those Living the Sequestered Single Life

Back on 9/11, I was single. I remember the evening after that world-changing day. My on-again-off-again boyfriend was out of town (for the week) on business. My parents were out of state on vacation (and did not yet own a cell phone). My roommate worked nights, so in that season, we never saw one another. Though the internet existed, it in no way existed in the way it does now. Facebook, video chats - even instant messenger chats - weren't full force on the scene. I'm trying to remember now if we even had internet at home during that time. If we did, it was most certainly dial-up and packed to the gills on a day like that. 

I remember that night, because I remember how it suffocated me. I couldn't turn on the television, because every channel had news coverage. I feel like I vaguely remember that some channels either shut down or switched to news coverage, even if it wasn't their thing. I was home with no one to talk to, minimal ways of successfully reaching others, no distractions from this crushing news, and gas prices shooting up to over $4.00 a gallon in one split second.

It was scary. It was lonely. 

My single friends have been heavy on my heart this week. One of my friends has told me she's already overwhelmed, and she still has some freedom to move about for work. I watched another friend have a literal panic attack when she found out she probably wouldn't be able to continue coming in to practice the piano, which is the thing that calms her anxiety. I read on Facebook where a widow at our church mourned the closing of her salon, because getting her hair and nails done is one of her ways to connect with others socially. 

Of course there are those who have also posted that they've been training their entire lives for a time like this. Forced to stay home for two weeks with nothing but books and coffee? Sign them up! But that isn't the case for everyone. 

May I offer a few suggestions for checking in on your single friends - or if you are my single friend, may I offer some suggestions for persevering in a lonely season?

To check in on your single friends:

* Reach out the very moment a name pops in your head. I'm a firm believer that God's a name-dropper. He'll deposit a name in your mind and many times, I believe it's because that person needs a prayer offered up in that moment - and even further - a tangible reminder that they matter. So when you think of the name, stop everything and send a text, place a call, or do a video chat. (May I also submit that when you're alone, sometimes hearing a voice or seeing a face provides loads of additional comfort that a text alone can't provide? One of my small group members called me this week and when I answered she said, "I'm okay, but I knew just hearing your voice would make me even more okay.") The lonely fear being forgotten. Hearing from you before they reach out to you for companionship will remind them they're not forgotten!

* Try to find a way to do something normal in a new way. If you normally get together for dinner or coffee with a single friend, get together on FaceTime (or some other similar method) and eat in your respective homes or drink coffee on your respective couches - and talk during that! It's not as ideal as being in the same room, but it sure can help! Work out together, do a Bible study together...maybe even just BE. Don't have an agenda. Just have a way to look up and know the other person is there for a bit. 

* Text some TV talk together. My sister used to do this with me, and I loved it. We'd both watch the same show in our own homes (not on video chat or anything) and we'd text back and forth our opinions and thoughts. It's how we watched TV together with 850 miles between us. We should do that again sometime. It was fun!

* Send some mail. Send a care package. Send a gift from Etsy. Send a card. Send SOMETHING so that the one allowed outing of the day (to get the mail) provides something more charming than bills! We ALL know we feel loved when we get mail. Show extra love to a single friend who may be craving a reminder of being remembered!

* Ask them what they're grieving and remember the answer. I've been reading stories all over the place about what people are missing that causes them great grief in their heart. One of my friends just got engaged for the first time at the age of 60. Her fiancé doesn't live in the same town, and this weekend, they were supposed to see each other, but that got canceled. Sixty years of waiting for love...and now she has to wait to even see him! She grieved that. I already mentioned my one friend who mourned the chance to go where she could play the piano and calm her soul. Some are grieving the loss of the gym, because it's the place where they work out aggression and stress. All of us have different reasons for feeling sad over the things we can't enjoy right now, but for some, that grief is very real and very big. Ask them what they're missing and then remember it. Look for ways to ease that particular grief if you can. 

* Tend to practical needs if you can. Is your single friend one who shouldn't be getting out for any reason right now (age, health...)? Could you pick up food or supplies and drop them off? Is your single friend in danger of losing work ad afraid of losing everything? Can you help in any way there? We offered for one of our single friends to move in with us during this time if staying alone was going to be too overwhelming for her. 

If you are a single friend...

* Ask us for help. Sometimes we get busy and caught up in our own schedules and thoughts, and we just don't think to ask. But we do love you and we do want to help, so don't be afraid to ask us. Don't be afraid to say you need a friend for a minute. Don't be afraid to share your thoughts. Be specific with what you need, and if we have the ability to help, know that we will!

* Push yourself to do what you need. One of my single friends (who is a color-coded-schedule-driven person like I am) said this week that she has created a schedule for herself to follow at home. She requires herself to get up by a certain time, cook meals, work out, read books, go for walks, limit social media, etc. because she knows those are the things that keep her mind and body healthy. Likewise, I had a friend mention that she knew she needed naps and mental check-out times to get through the overwhelming nature of it all. Know what you need, and push for or allow yourself those things as needed. In the long run, you'll be glad you did. 

* Learn something new. I've been reading all these posts by suddenly-homeschooling-parents about the fun things their kids are learning while they're home with no agenda. No reason you can't do the same. Has there been a thing that you've wanted to learn about for a while, but you've not had time? Now you have time! If you look online, I bet you can find a class about it - and your chances of finding a FREE class are probably even greater right now, because there are so many of those taking place. Cooking? Sign language? How to braid your hair? Makeup? There are many things you could pick up using what you already have in your home, I imagine!

* Purpose to use the time. This isn't just advice for the single. This is for ALL of us. But I say it because I remember when I was single, I would frequently tell myself that I should make the most of the time I had while I had it. When lonely days pressed in, and I was tempted to wallow, I would try to think of constructive things I could do that I might not have the luxury of doing if I had a husband or kids occupying my time in that moment. What books could I read (or write)? What Bible studies could I complete? What skill could I pick up? Just because you might be limited on where you can go or what you can do doesn't mean you have NO options. Purpose to use this time wisely so on the other side of this, you can look back and know that you gave it your all!

It's not a polished or perfect list. But maybe it will help. And I saw this advice this week that I've been trying to take to heart. "Remember: you've never dealt with a global pandemic before. You're doing amazing, and on your first try, too."