I Choose You: Optimism

We've come to the end of the first week of our little I CHOOSE YOU series. Thanks for reading along with it this week! We have a few letters to go, but we hope you've found something useful even so far!

This little phrase we've chosen to explore has three o's in it, and the first one stands for optimism.

Anyone ever lived a real life version of the children's book Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very-Bad Day? It happens, doesn't it? None of us escapes the madness of a day that just won't quit - or let us quit!

I remember those days (vividly!) from my single years and how I used to pray for God to send my husband to me so I wouldn't have to muddle through those hard days alone. Don't misunderstand: I had great friends! They listened to hours and hours of Bekah-processing about different things that came my way. But I still longed for the listening ear of a husband. (And I'm fortunate that my husband is a good listener. I know listening isn't everyone's forte.)

But what I didn't know back then is that even better than having a good listener to vent your day to is having someone who can actually cheer you up on a bad day. Someone who can give the gift of optimism.

I count it a blessing that most of the time, God seems to alternate the hard days of Shafferland so Ryan and I don't have them at the same time. When Ryan has a rough day (whether at work or relating to something else) I can offer my listening ear, a smile, and words that I hope will encourage and cheer him. And on my hard days, he can do the same for me.

Before I continue, let me pause to say that optimism and fixing it are two different things. Men tend to be blamed for wanting to just fix problems, but I've observed a decent number of women who do the same thing. Some people just can't handle something being wrong, and when they discover it is, they rush to fix it. Not everything is easily fixed, is it?

So this post isn't about fixing bad moods or fixing problems. It's not about annoying the ever-loving stuffing out of your spouse by fixing every little thing that goes wrong. That's not a great relationship investment. This post is about learning to share the optimism you have with your spouse when he or she needs it.

Let me give you some examples of how we do this in our household.

* Ryan has the best belly laugh of anyone I know. Some of you have told us before that you love it when he starts laughing on the podcast, because you can't help but join in. Sometimes on a bad day, I don't really feel like laughing at all, but if something happens and Ryan launches into belly-laugh mode, it's so contagious, I have to join in.

* I already told you he's good about listening, and he is. And he's also good about not fixing it. If I'm upset about something, he'll let me vent, complete with finger-wagging and hands-on-hip pose, and he doesn't tell me to calm down or be rational (or any of the other things that would NOT help in that moment). He genuinely listens and cares. He gives me a hug and a kiss and lets me unload my feelings before they cause me to implode. But then he redirects the moment. If we're home, he might suggest we watch one of our DVR'd sitcoms or a funny game show so I can get lost in someone else's humor for a moment. And for as much as I might declare I will not laugh, I usually do.

* Sometimes he'll tell me funny stories from his day. Ryan is a GREAT storyteller, and even if I missed every moment of whatever happened, his stories suck me in and cheer me up!

* If it's an especially bad day, he'll do the Mac walk. I dearly wish I had a video to show you, but even if I did, he probably wouldn't let me post it. Ryan has perfected this hilarious walk where he looks like part marionette and part turtle, and it is the funniest thing I've ever seen. No matter how bad the day, it is impossible to NOT laugh at the Mac walk.

Believe it or not, Ryan actually has bad days too, and he says...

* I always make him laugh with my witty sense of humor and my funny faces. (I think he's referring to the aforementioned finger-wag/hands-on-hips/pursed-lips look.) And as for the quick wit, all those hours with the morning team at the radio station paid off! They taught me everything I know about being funny on the fly!

* he loves the duck walk. (Yes, he has the Mac walk, and I have the duck walk.) Apparently he also enjoys my dance-like-Chandler-Bing imitations. I'm not sure what it says about either of us that we can instill optimism through weird walks, but whatever works, right?

Here's the bottom line: all these things we do, however silly they may be, go a long way in filling us with optimism, even if the main issue that discouraged us in the first place hasn't been resolved yet. I think we (the collective we) are misguided in thinking optimism means fixing the problem through rational, positive advice-giving. But we think it means finding a measure of hope and joy in the middle of the hard stuff, and sometimes that's best found through listening and laughing, refocusing and redirecting thoughts.

Now, I said at the beginning that I'm grateful we normally don't have a bad day on the same day, but it does happen now and then. We're both just deflated and discouraged on the couch together. What do we do then?

Well, that's when it helps to go back through our phones and find ridiculous pictures or videos that just crack us up. (And as you might imagine, we don't really have any shortage of those.)

And if nothing else works, we get a Frosty, go to bed, and declare the next day surely must have a chance of being better, right?

Choose to show love to each other and choose to invest in your relationship by offering the gift of optimism. Offer genuine listening, genuine laughter, and genuine love to boost a hard day. 



If you've missed the other posts in this series or want to keep reading, you can catch them here:

I Choose You: Introduction
I Choose You: Intentional
I Choose You: Chronicles
I Choose You: Help
I Choose You: Optimism
I Choose You: Openness
I Choose You: Sacred
I Choose You: Exciting
I Choose You: Yoked
I Choose You: Only
I Choose You: Understanding
I Choose You - Works For You