I Choose You: Help

We really appreciate you reading along with this little series of ours. Thanks for sending encouraging notes about it, too! Both of us are glad to see it's giving you food for thought! If you've missed the first few days, there are links to catch up at the bottom of this post.

Today, though, we look at the second letter in the word choose...and it's H. That letter, for us, represents help.

One of my biggest fears in getting married at the ripe old age of 34 was that I wouldn't know how to be a good teammate. It was a legitimate fear, I think. After all, I grew up as an only child. (For those of you who might not know me very well, I do have two sisters, but they're fifteen and eighteen years older than I am, so by the time I have many memories of life at home as a child, they were grown and living out on their own.) I lived as a single adult for over a dozen years once I left college. Basically outside of my years living in the dorm, I was used to making my own schedule and living in my own space.

Therefore, I feared I might make a terrible helpmate, because I wasn't a very good helper. I count it one of the most beautiful graces of our marriage that we have somewhat seamlessly fallen into a rhythm of living together in this house and working as a team. I'm not sure how it happened, but it did, and I'm grateful.

(If you're not married yet, this might be a good item to commit to prayer as you await a marriage of your own. It sure can't hurt to ask God to help you make that transition when the time comes! And if you are married and this part hasn't come as rhythmically for you as it has for us, it's not a lost cause! I still think it's worth praying about and asking God for direction!)

We don't remember sitting down before getting married to have specific conversations about which one of us would take which jobs within our household. Fortunately, we tend to be gifted in pretty opposite areas of daily life, so it was easy to pick our jobs. Just to give you an idea of what our practical life looks like, here are some examples.

Ryan:
* pays the bills because he enjoys it. That's just fine with me, because finances stress me out! I was really great at creating and adhering to a budget when I was single, and I paid my bills every month without fail, but I did not mourn the loss of this task for one moment after we got married. I may have actually squealed with glee in handing it over to him!

* handles most of the outside chores. Again, he likes doing them and I really don't like them at all. Yard work allows him time to decompress and be creative, and I'm happy to let him do it. He also handles all the repairs around the house because I don't really have skills that require tools of power or manual varieties.

* handles all things related to our vehicles. I can put gas in the car, but that's about it. And he told me early on he wanted to do that as a gift to me, so I didn't have to stand outside in inclement weather to fill up the tank. (Swoon!) I don't really know how to do any other car things, so he's in charge of all that. (Also, washing and cleaning out the cars are fun for him, just like yard work.)
* is our resident coffee guru. He's a morning person, so it only makes sense that he gets the coffee up and running for the day. He loves grinding the coffee beans and running the French press, so he almost always make the coffee.
* hand washes dishes. I hate washing things by hand, and he doesn't mind, so if a pot or pan isn't dishwasher safe, he usually washes it.
* cleans up all cat puke. It makes me gag and he's the one with the health care degree, so fluids are part of his gig.

Yours Truly:
* does all the laundry. Since I work from home, it's easy for me to knock out this chore while I'm working. Washing, drying, folding, putting away...the whole cycle belongs to me! (See what I did there?)

* oversees the meal planning and grocery list making, along with most of the cooking. These are creative outlets for me, and I enjoy them, so I take care of them every week.

* makes the bed every morning. I have more time in that part of the day than Ryan does, so I just make sure that little chore gets done.
* plans all vacations and creates itineraries, packing lists, and oversees the actual packing of bags and often the car, too. More creative fun for me, and I also am the one who has the time to take care of it. We choose the destination together, and then I run with it from there, making sure all details are taken care of!

* oversees house decorations, holidays, parties, gatherings, gifts, and more. You guessed it! More creative outlets for me! I take care of making sure our house is ready for Christmas or any event we host. I do all the decorating, the planning, and the executing. If a room needs redecorated, I find a Pinterest-inspired vision and run with it!
* takes care of appointments. Whether it's being available when pest control shows up or taking the car for servicing, I am the one with the flexible schedule, so I do those things.

Together We:
* grocery shop. We have both done this by ourselves before and have decided it is much more fun to do together.

* work on house projects. Ryan may be the muscle and I may be the creative design, but it's not unusual for us to work together to complete projects.
* attend events. We don't work well on a divide-and-conquer schedule, so we do almost everything together. We have pacts that we will always attend viewings together, represent our home at parties together, and even make hospital visits together.

Having said all that...often we choose to help each other out by taking up a chore that doesn't belong to us on a normal basis. When we do that, we show love to each other.

* If I know Ryan's had a long day, I'll suck it up and hand wash the pans in the sink. I may gag over water floaties, but it's worth it for him to come home to a cleaned up kitchen and not more work.

* I've been known to shovel the snow or mow the yard if I know he has a busy night ahead or could really use some extra rest. Those things aren't my first loves, but I am quite physically capable of doing them, and if I can ease his burden, I will!

* Sometimes Ryan makes the bed or unloads the dishwasher so I can have a few extra minutes to work on something else (usually of the creative variety) instead.

* Ryan is a good cook, and sometimes he'll give me the night off and make something so I can just enjoy some down time!

* And sometimes we'll do something alone that we prefer to do together. Like if one of us isn't feeling well, the other might go to the store alone.

This is a skill I first learned back when I was single, and I attended a one-day marriage conference led by Steve and Annie Chapman. They talked at length about how they make a daily goal to out-serve the other. Their main agenda (other than serving the Lord!) each day is to see how many times they can reach out and help the other one. Of all the advice they gave that day, that is the piece that stuck out to me at above the rest. I made a commitment to try to take that mindset into my someday-marriage, and I'm so grateful that Ryan has a similar outlook on our relationship. (This part especially goes more smoothly if both parties approach it from the same direction.)

We don't keep score about this stuff. We don't even have a rotation of how often we'll pitch in and do the other person's work! We just spontaneously decide to choose to show love by choosing to pitch in with a task that isn't ours. It's a relief, I think, for both of us to understand that the other is so willing to help out. Jobs might usually be yours/mine/ours, but at the heart of our marriage, we're about helping each other, because all of this life we live is really ours. 

Choose to show love by choosing to help the one you love. 



Did you miss some posts? Here you go! 

I Choose You: Introduction

I Choose You: Intentional

I Choose You: Chronicles

I Choose You: Help

I Choose You: Optimism
I Choose You: Openness
I Choose You: Sacred
I Choose You: Exciting
I Choose You: Yoked
I Choose You: Only
I Choose You: Understanding
I Choose You - Works For You