Secret Boldness

If you look to the left of my blog, you'll see my theme verse for 2013...laid upon my heart by the Lord before the year ever began.

Behold, you delight in truth in the inward being, and you teach me wisdom in the secret heart.

~ Psalm 51:6 ~

I love many things about this verse, but one thing I love most of all is the idea of the secret heart. I love the way God and I share our time together. Lately my devo time takes place first thing in the morning. Ryan brings me a cup of coffee and puts it on the bedside table, kisses my head, and disappears so I can crack open my Bible, devo book, journal and laptop...and I disappear for even just those few minutes, into the secret place with my Beloved. He teaches me and breathes truth and wisdom into my heart.

I love it. It's picturesque. {Well. I am not picturesque at that hour with wild bedhead, enveloped in my obnoxious pink bathrobe...but the scene is picturesque.}

The fireplace glows, the coffee steams, and I snuggle my cold legs under the fleece sheets and read. And write. And learn.

And sometimes He speaks to me in church...just the two of us snuggled into the pew, His Divine wisdom pushed softly into my mind. Sometimes He speaks as I sit beside water, listening to waves lapping...or as I drive with only the roar of the wheels under me...

The secret place. The secret heart. The quietness and serenity of the two of us.

My verse this time is about as opposite as it can be:

Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.

~ Hebrews 4:16 ~

Let me tell you the things that make me squirm about this verse. With confidence. Draw near. 

Other versions of this verse say "come boldly before the throne." That makes me squirm too. I'm not really a bold sort of girl. I am much more comfortable cuddled in the sheets, sipping coffee and journaling the heart whispers.

But there comes a time when I have to learn to take what I've been taught in the secret place, and I have to saturate my soul with it so I can, with confidence, stand up and walk into the battle to fight the thing.

Big. Gulp.

This weekend, while at the marriage retreat, God uncovered a portion of my heart where I would so much rather stay in that secret place. Hide under the covers and let God soothe my soul. But what I need to do is wrap myself in confidence and march forward. 

A couple of days ago, after my devotions, I tiptoed into the living room, sporting my super cute pink bathrobe and slid onto the ottoman in front of Ryan. We pressed our foreheads together and he encouraged me so lovingly to embrace truth and be confident in the place God has given me...and I whispered I'd rather hide and stop fighting. And yet I knew, with his nose rubbing against mine, that he spoke truth.

There comes a day when what's learned in secret has to stand tall and walk boldly forward. And uncomfortable as it may be, this is my time to learn.