Sunday, January 14, 2007

At 7:00 this morning I returned home from Paris, France. Thank you so much, Mom and Dad, for taking me.

Hello? Mom? Dad? Do you remember any of this? Okay so maybe it was a dream. Yes, I had one of “those dreams” last night. Mom and Dad took Sarah (one of the girls in my office) and me to Paris for a vacation. Paris was located somewhere in the Dakotas – and had a very tropical oceanic view. We stayed in a very prestigious resort located in an old, condemned cement building with occasional working plumbing. And our trip home was delayed by a plane crash. All flights were grounded until the FAA could determine what caused the crash.

Interestingly enough, Mom and Dad mostly ditched me (Sarah too!) during the vacation – which left me to forage for dinner alone in little bistros along the tempestuous ocean front. During one such lonely dinner, I looked up to find a family across the way – a family I knew. The husband distracted his wife somehow and sneaked over to me. He looked me straight in the eye and said, “I just want you to know that I know.” I gave him my best quizzical look and he said to me, “I know that you liked me for a long time. It’s okay and I’m truly flattered – it’s just not going to work out.” I was trying to pull my hair down over my red face while I asked him who spilled the beans. He told me – and it was a friend I really thought I could trust!

The frightening part of this entire situation is that this family actually exists – I did at one time have an annoying crush on the guy – and the girl who did NOT guard my secret is really my friend. And the next time I see either of them, I’ll probably do some serious blushing.

How do these things happen? I’m not one to try to figure out dreams…but this one was so bizarre that I had to try to decipher just a little of it. I watched about ten minutes of Under the Tuscan Sun yesterday while I was waiting on some friends to show up for dinner. One of two scenes that I saw took place on a dock of some sort where water was crashing up against the shore. I suppose that is where the idea of an overseas vacation and the ocean view came in. A few weeks ago I watched a scary documentary on a plane that crashed years ago – and the cause was never determined. And last week I watched an episode of Dirty Jobs – and the scruffy guy was helping an exterminator clean out an arena infested with rats… part of the Katrina aftermath. I’m not really sure how the rest came to be…but thank goodness it was really a dream!

Funny, though, how those pesky dreams play with the mind. I told you that God has asked me to walk this mysterious road of faith. I know enough details to walk, but not enough to really see the next destination on the journey. Last night before I went to bed, I was journaling about how frustrated I had become on this walk. I knew when the new year started and the journey simultaneously grew more intense, Satan was going to worm his way in somehow and try to derail me.

In my OCD way, I even tried to figure out exactly how he might go about that so I could be prepared. And I should have known where he’d sneak in…probably I did know. I just didn’t try very hard to fight it. And so there I sat last night, frustrated that what I really wanted was over here to the left, but what I knew I should want was clearly to the right. And there’s no reason not to want what is on the right…except that the left is easier and closer.

And then I woke up after my trip to Paris and even more confusion swarmed around in my little pre-ten-o’clock brain. I pulled out the journal and started writing again – why, why, why do things like dreams even pull my mind aside from the track it should be on?

In our ladies’ Bible study, we’ve been learning about choices…and it seems like no matter the specific topic each week…it all comes back to a choice that ultimately rests in our hands. God reminded me of that this morning. I could let myself be sidetracked by purposeful thoughts and by dreams that I can’t control, or I can choose to stay faithful even when it’s hard.

God was even so nice as to follow up that discussion with an entire church service about surrender. I sat on the end of the pew realizing that He very much expected me to make a choice before I left. I could continue to be sidetracked, or I could hand over the thoughts and the dreams and choose to keep walking the faith walk.

So God gets the Paris guy – and all the rest of the sidetracking thoughts. I get to keep walking one step at a time.

Out With the Old...In With the Old

I seem to attract friends who inadvertently call me old. One of my really good friends is ten years younger than I am; we meet every week for mentoring and accountability. It is not uncommon for some sweet and innocent comment to slip out of her mouth that insinuates I'm just shy of a hundred and four. I love watching her face turn red after she realizes what she said. It makes me laugh. Well, now she has company in her boat. Someone else slipped a comment out and once he caught the "I can't believe you just said that" look on my face, it has become his mission in life to try to work in as many related comments as possible.

Which reminds me...I have a card in my office (which I would scan in for you, but you know...computer's still sick) of a very very old, very very wrinkled lady in a wedding dress. She's puckered from every angle. You open up the card and the message says "Never give up." Harsh enough, but do you know who sent it to me?? MY MOTHER!!! Just when you think SOMEONE is in your corner...

So I showed that card to "you're old" friend number two yesterday. Even he thought it was harsh. :)

But despite my knee and heel and back agreeing with all such comments (thank you, exercise), I have to say that these new year changes I've made have really made me feel like a brand new person! I'm not sure if it's the exercise or the four pounds I no longer own or the lack of pop or the vegetables (what are those again?) or the extra prayer time or the deliberate donning of the armor of God every day - but who IS this girl? I sure don't know her. She's perky before ten, which is nothing short of a miracle. She hasn't lost her temper in Wal-Mart for two weeks - an even bigger miracle. She has only cried once at work during one of the craziest weeks of the semester. I think I like her.

Even if she IS old and falling apart - I think she can stay.

I Am Wonder Woman

A few minutes ago, one of the office girls said to me, "You are wonder woman today." I said to her, "Yeah, I wonder why I'm still here and when this day is going to end. "

I prayed up extra hard this morning because I knew it was going to be a crazy day. And don't you know that I had already been in tears once before 8:30? But I got that out of my system and proceeded to have a great day!!! Things are definitely picking up here in the work world, but I suppose it's better than being bored.

My favorite part today was my festive new sweater I wore. If I ever have a computer and scanner together again, I'll post a picture of it. It's really cute - pink and striped and soft and comfy. AND apparently after the first washing, FUZZY. I looked down at my black pants right after my little meltdown and there was fuzz everywhere. I had to go home at lunch and get my lint roller and bring it back to work with me. And here I am with an office full of people, trying to act professional, with pink fuzzies all over my patootie.

So anyway. It's five and I wonder why I'm still here. I also wonder what happened to 2/3 of my brain. I can't even answer the easy questions right now. Guess that means it's time to go exercise...and go to Bible study...and pay some bills...and lint roller AGAIN.

Sunday, January 7, 2007

I have survived my first round of accountability for the goals I set forth this new year. I am choosing to pursue this year one week at a time. I can’t look ahead to December – or February – without becoming overwhelmed by all that I feel called to pursue and accomplish. But I can look ahead to next Sunday. And that was pretty much the way I tackled the week behind me. With each choice I faced, I just thought of the accountability phone call that I knew would happen this afternoon and made my decision according to how I wanted to answer the questions posed to me.

The week has been delightfully exhausting. Falling asleep each night was no problem – with the exception of the times that my sore, surprised-by-exercise muscles were screaming at me. But there is a marked difference between going to bed tired because I’ve stayed up too late just wasting time and going to bed tired because I put in a good day’s work.

I learned some things along the way. James 4:8 says “Come near to God and he will come near to you…” I learned that verse back when I was about four years old and the way to learn it went more like “Draw nigh to God and he will draw nigh to you.” But either way you look at it, the message remains. This week I did some coming near…some drawing nigh. And on more than one occasion I got the “God-goose-bumps” as I call them.

Friday was such a day. I woke up at the way too early crack of dawn and scooted up in my fleece sheets (trying not to knock the cat out of the bed) to get my Bible and my journal. I read my short morning devotional, I read my faith verse of the day, I read the passage about putting on the armor of God, and I was scribbling away some early morning thoughts to God. Now typically neither of us expect those thoughts to make too much sense, but on Friday, my mind had a worry. This faith study God has drawn me to do is eventually going to result in some sort of hands-on training. This both excites and petrifies me.

For some reason, that day, I had a money worry on my mind. I wrote in my journal something to the effect of “would I really be able to live a life of financial faith?” Part of me hated to ask, because I was afraid God would say, “Well how about we get rid of your job and have everything in your house break down at once and see how you do?” (And given that this week I’ve had two light fixtures re-break, my computer spazz out, and my hairdryer bite the dust, this seemed a very real concept.) So I just posed the question, shut the journal, and crawled out of the oh-so-comfy bed to start getting ready. As I stood up, I noticed my other devotional book on the bottom shelf of my night stand. I’d been reading in it only at night, but that day, I decided to go ahead and pick it up.

There were several paragraphs that day – sometimes it’s a short reading, and sometimes not. But right in the middle of all it had to say was the sentence “Do not fear poverty.” Well! I guess that takes care of that!

And so the week went – I asked questions and somehow God sent answers. And I went back to James 4:8, remembering (how I remember this, I do not know) the hot summer day of long ago when I learned that verse from Mom’s construction paper alphabetical scripture lesson. (It was the “D” verse.) Back on that day, it was just a verse to learn because it was time for the next one in the alphabetical list.

But this week that verse came to life – as it has before. Some people may look at my five covenants for my relationship with God (as well as the rest of my list of 25) and call the whole thing too ambitious. But God is out to prove to me that it’s not too overwhelming. It’s just a week at a time of drawing close to Him and depending on Him to give me the energy for that day of that week. And in the process, He’s out to show me so much more than I know right now.

He keeps His promises. He expects me to keep mine too.

The Grouchies CANNOT Stay

I have given this week the most valiant effort that I have had within me to give. And it has been so rewarding. I've had the best week I can remember having in a really long time. I've tried to be conscious of my attitude and my nearness to God every minute. I even (brace yourself) enjoyed two visits to Wal-Mart this week.

And today Satan showed up to rob my joy. I have reminded myself over and over of the Joyce Meyer devotional I read first thing on New Year's Day - about not allowing the things of the day barge in and drag you down.

Today has been my first real test. I've whined a couple of times and found myself immediately offended by my own whine. I don't want to be "that girl" anymore. I tried to suck it up and smile through the phone calls that made me want to move to a far away land where phones don't exist. I took back the eyeroll when the SAME COMPANY THAT CALLS ME EVERY DAY called again my lunch hour. I didn't give "the look" to the very unhelpful CVS lady who looked annoyed that I had a question about the photo scanner. I stopped complaining about a couple of things that about pushed me over the edge.

Because you know what? It has been a good week. I've had good friends give me good encouragement. I've had rest. I've survived a lack of pop and the introduction of rigorous exercise. I'm not going to let a little bit of grouchy keep me down!

I Would Like to Thank...

The seventy people whose combined efforts of seventy-three cards made me this year's winner in the annual Dad-n-Bekah card contest. The official final score was 73-49.

Why is it that every year I am driven to absolute obsessiveness to win, and then I feel bad when I do? Dad's such a good sport to put up with it. I think I take comfort in knowing that he does not send a single card and I send a ton - so if you look at it in that light - he actually wins.

And you can know that next year's card design is already under construction!! I'm excited about it. Although I realize that having the design in mind on JANUARY FOURTH says something about my OCD nature. Probably not a good thing. I prefer to think it's part of my charm.

Congrats, Dad, on a race well run!

Fond Farewells...Okay, JUST Farewells

Saying goodbye is sometimes a fun thing. I enjoyed saying goodbye to the "Bekah of Yore" from 2006 and working on new things for 2007. But I have to say, there are some things that I did not anticipate kissing goodbye. And so far - not really enjoying it.

#1. My trusty string of Christmas lights in the kitchen. Let me explain to you my lighting situation. I believe my kitchen light fixture was the original light bulb. It is one of those SUPER old fluorescent circular situations. I learned earlier this year that to replace said set of bulbs costs $18.00. At that time, I began making plans to just replace the whole thing with something that uses NORMAL bulbs. In the meantime, the fixture has decided to only work on a part time basis. Usually it works when natural light shines in and doesn't when it's pitch black outside. So I depend on my string of Christmas lights in the area above my cabinets to provide light. But last week when I took down my string of garland from above the cabinets, I must have slightly moved the strand of lights. And as a result, last night I broke two bulbs in the cabinet door. I saw smoke, so I'm guessing I need to replace the whole strand. Sigh. And that strand had been working so well for so long!!

#2. Half price nights at the local coffee shop. I'm sure this is one of God's ways of trying to help me out in my "road to health" in 2007. As I walked into the bookstore/coffee shop last night to get a new set of highlighters for my Bible, I saw a sign posted on the door saying that they would no longer have half price latte/cappuccino nights on Mondays and Thursdays. I go EVERY WEEK on Mondays and Thursdays whether I need to or not - just because it's a good deal. I have to say that this decision of theirs is very disappointing to me. It's the second rather significant change that store has made in the last WEEK regarding their cafe section, and I think both choices were bad ones. I think this especially considering that lots of people buy gift cards there. As you'll recall, we just had a major gift giving holiday, and there are some people who received cards and counted on using them for food and half price drinks!! I will refrain from climbing on my full soapbox about it, but it makes me sad. I won't be able to go as often now, and I had really enjoyed that.

#3. My hair dryer. It broke this morning - fortunately at the END of my drying extravaganza. I've had that dryer since college, so I suppose it has done well for me. But a girl loves her hair dryer. I'm trying to see the positive here...so also fortunately, it broke (the on/off switch broke off) while it was ON, so I can just plug it in and go until I get a new one. Still...I wasn't ready to say goodbye to it just yet. Oh the annoyance of replacing the practical things of life. Not nearly as much fun as buying a new book!!!

They say things come in threes, so maybe now I'll get three hellos??

PS - after I wrote that, I said goodbye to thing number four. It was a piece of mail. I was on my way to the office mailbox to put in a letter. It was in my right hand. In my left hand was something I needed to shred. Our office doesn't have a real shredder anymore. We only have a "shred box" where we toss everything and then some company comes and picks it up for us and shreds it. I knew this was going to happen to me eventually. I shredded the mailing. I threw the wrong thing into the box. I kissed the mail goobye and kept the shredding in my hand. Good grief.

I Loved Iced Tea

I say that more to remind myself that I love it than to tell you that I love it. See, I have these 25 things I'm working on in 2007. I prayed about all of them before I committed to doing them - because I wanted these to be areas of my life where God and I worked together to improve the person I'm becoming. But there was this one...the one that I did just to prove to God and to myself that I'm serious about some of the other things on my list.

I gave up pop.

I'm a bit of a carbonated beverage addict. Of the non-alcoholic variety. Coke is my favorite - the straight up, fully leaded, fully sugared variety. NO diet. NO caffeine free. NO artificial sweetners. REAL. I also like root beer, I learned to be okay with cherry coke, I didn't so much mind vanilla coke.

But I liked it all a little too much. So since it would be a sincere sacrifice to be without it for a year, I gave it up. I've done without for Lent before, but that's only 40 days. This is 365. That's nine Lents back to back.

So yesterday I had "the last pop." I savored every drop.

Truthfully, there are days that I don't crave pop but I drink it anyway, because I don't want to get behind. I was hoping today would be one of those days when I didn't crave it - but as I drove to the gas station for the Polar Tea (to replace the Polar Pop), I really wanted a Coke. I suppose this is the disciplined part of me starting early.

I know I can do it. I was a Mountain Dew addict in college and had to give it up cold turkey right after I graduated because the doctor said it was either that or treat an ulcer. Now I don't even like the taste of the good old Dew. So maybe the same thing will happen now. I don't know.

And I really do love tea. I am just going to have to learn to love it more.

Sunday, December 31, 2006

I love New Year’s Eve, because I love a time of reflection and a chance to have a marked fresh start. I’m one of those strange people who enjoys being home on an evening such as this to spend time journaling and thinking and praying. Don’t get me wrong…I love a good party. But sometimes I love a good staying home, too.

For a couple of weeks now, I’ve been praying about what God wants me to work on in 2007. I have a list of 25 things. Five areas…five things in each area. A couple of them might kill me, but if they don’t, just think how strong I’ll be in a year! Yesterday I was excited about the list. Today when I stared at it, I could only think, What have I done?

So while Extreme Makeover: Home Edition plays on my TV, I sit in preparation of Extreme Makeover: Bekah Edition that begins in less than four hours now. I am not quite sure what to think of it, because I don’t quite understand it yet.

Last year in my “New Year Address” to you, I wrote this about the man by the Pool of Bethesda (John 5): “Did the man have any clue where he was going after he stood up? Nope. Why would he? He hadn’t spent the last 38 years imagining this moment would ever happen for real. Oh I’m sure he’d imagined the moment. But never life beyond the moment, because the moment, he knew, would never actually come. But it did. And though we have no written record of what happened to this man after he walked away from that pool, I’m sure God didn’t leave him hanging. Didn’t heal him just to dump him into a life of confusion.”

And then I said about myself, “I accepted the Hand offered to me. I still don’t have any more of an idea today than I did yesterday what is ahead of me this year. But I don’t feel like a paralytic out of options today. I feel like a healed paralytic walking down the road carrying my princess blanket, singing a David Phelps song, just waiting for my next instruction.”

The year had its adventures. Seven Tuesday lunch hours spent in the prayer chapel. Thirty days of praying in bold faith for something that seemed crazy. Reading through the Bible in a year – which at times felt more like being dragged along – though I tried valiantly to keep up! Writing about new things. And all the while…walking down the road waiting for my next instruction.

Last night as I channel surfed between sappy movies and President Ford’s funeral, I happened past TBN long enough to catch an “inspirational spot” by some TBN regular (apparently) that I’ve never seen before. He had four quick thoughts to share for the new year and I liked them so much, I wrote them down. In all my commitments and covenants for the new year, keeping these principles before me just might make life seem manageable.

1. Do something to move forward every day. I heard Beth Moore say (on TV, not in person) the other night something like this: if whatever you’re doing doesn’t bring you closer to the goal, then you can clear it from your life. Of course she said it much more eloquently, but the point is the same. The things God has asked of me for the coming year are things designed to move me forward. Some of the things I’m currently doing aren’t really bad, but they’re not helpful in getting me from my spot in this chair to whatever spot in whatever chair God has waiting.

2. Don’t try to figure it out. Oh boy. That’s just what I do best. Even as I made my list of commitments and covenants, I tried to imagine exactly why God put those precise assignments on the list. It’s not my job to know why…it’s only my job to do it. I’m not a CSI. I don’t need to inspect the evidence and know the why of any of it.

3. Ease up and enjoy. Part of the journey is the journey. I’m so busy trying to figure out where I’m going that I’m missing everything that is happening to me along the way. Sometimes I take life too seriously. Sometimes I don’t take it seriously enough. But always, along the way, I need to enjoy this plan that God has written.

4. Don’t settle. I love New Year’s because I love the fresh start. But December tends to wear me out. I’m tired of last year’s news and ready for something different. And it’s in those end weeks that I get frustrated and try to figure out the easiest way to finish one project so I can start a new one. But I’m not to settle. Not on any of the commitments I made.

I like to have a “verse of the year” every year as well. I found mine for 2007 a couple of days ago. God pointed it out to me as I read through a passage for my Bible study. “The Lord said to Samuel, ‘How long will you mourn for Saul, since I have rejected him over Israel? Fill your horn with oil and be on your way; I am sending you to Jesse of Bethlehem. I have chosen one of his sons to be king” (1 Samuel 16:1).

Seems like a strange theme verse, doesn’t it? Well I’m not Samuel, I’m not in mourning, and I don’t think I’ve been called to declare anyone king. But, God is having this same conversation with me – just with different details. How long am I going to hang onto the past (fill in the blank with about fourteen different things) since those days are over? Fill up with a fresh start, be ready to go, and wait for His direction!

So these are my thoughts to close out one year and start a new one. Thanks for listening in on my New Year’s Eve reflection time. I hope that you are enjoying your own celebration, wherever you are, and I also hope that you allow yourself a chance to fill up and be on your way to God’s plan for you in the coming year!

FOR example...

To further explain how the whole stamping thing works...

This is this year's Christmas card.

See the stars? That's a stamp. (One stamp - used multiple times.)

See the white tree? That's a stamp.

See the gold squiggles over the white tree? That's a stamp.

See "The world in solemn stillness lay..."? That's a stamp.

See the white ribbon? That's a ribbon. Just in case you didn't know.

The buckle is a pop can tab sprayed gold. I didn't come up with that idea. I found it online.

So that's how the stamping works. And if you do it for over 8 hours, you get a complimentary KILLER backache that is SO worth it.

Hey, There are Worse Addictions

Last night I was pleasantly surprised to find that the UPS man had paid a visit to my house while I was at work. In fact, I about knocked Braeya off the recliner in my hurry to get to the front door to retrieve the box. The box turned out to weigh a lot more than I imagined, so I had to resort to dragging it into the house.

My stamp order arrived.

Not postage stamps. Rubber stamps. And ink pads. And ink refills. And some new stamp sets. And LOTS of card stock. I used to sell stamps to feed my addiction...I mean build my collection. It really was a great gig for a fresh out of college, rather broke girl. But then my schedule got too busy and I couldn't fit in the time to be the demonstrator that a demonstrator should be, so I gave up selling. And in doing that, I also gave up my stamp buying money. So now I only get to place one or two big orders a year - after a tax refund or a Christmas gift or something. This year I think I owned the little bit of money for about fifteen minutes before I placed my order.

And now it's here. I am ready to book a vacation day so that I can stay in my jammie pants all day long, forget makeup and hair, and just stamp my little heart out.

I'm a little crazy, I know. But it could be worse, don't you think?

Oh and in other crazy news...I started planning next year's Christmas card last night. I need therapy, don't I?

Biker Bekah?

There was some question as to whether or not my recent gift of a leather jacket puts me in the category of a Biker Babe. Well, the babe I'll admit to, but the last time I tried a bike, I ended up spending six weeks in a pink cast. Granted that was about 18 years ago and it was actually a bike and not a Harley.

So anyway - to clear up any further confusion...

Here is the old coat. I really don't understand why Mom had such a problem with this collar!

And here is the new version.

As you can see...not so much the black and silver variety.

Christmas with the Fam

Pictures from Christmas Day!

My sister Julie and her husband Tom were able to spend the day with us. Julie is sporting the scarf that doubles as a tube top (see post below).

Mom and Dad - not sure why they look so scared. Dad is totally hooked on all books about the Amish.

And everyone else joined us via webcam. I think the modern technology fits in so well with the Nativity scene - don't you?

Table for five please!

Ahhh...Sweet Success

I commented around the beginning of the month that I really had a hard time getting in the Christmas spirit this year. Yet looking back across the month, I'd have to say this has been one of my favorite Christmases. I really settled down and enjoyed being IN the season.

A couple of nights ago, Faith, Hannah, and I went driving around looking for the biggest light displays on the smallest properties...and pictures of that adventure will be available soon. There were some garish ones, for sure!

Last night I went to an 11:00 p.m. Christmas Eve service. I think I was in college the last time I did that. I enjoyed that way to end the day.

And this morning I just ran around hoping and praying that all the food would turn out ON time and that no one would die. It's four hours later and everyone is gone. Hopefully they're only gone home and not GONE gone.

I found a couple of recipes that were keepers!! Always dangerous to try out the new stuff on the family, but that's what I did! :D The meal was a success, and with the exception of Dad, I got great compliments on it. Dad said "Not bad." That translates to "Not really what I would have chosen, but it could have been worse." He says it translates to "really good." Then why not just say "really good?"

Got some great stuff - in fact, I'm about to curl up with my first ever Beth Moore book and start reading (and underlining). Mom and Dad gave me a new leather jacket. I think it was mostly because Mom is MORTIFIED by the fifteen dollar Goody's special I've been sporting for the last three years. It's all cracked around the collar, and the pockets have huge holes, but it's my FAVORITE! Until now. Now of course, I love the leather. I'm all stocked up on Mary Kay now - so I should eventually become beautiful. Ooh! And a big girl power drill. How sad is it that I ASKED for that?

Dad had it easy this year - usually I send him on a wild goose chase for his gift cards, since that's ALL he ever wants, but this year I was too tired to process a new scheme. Mom acted surprised at the jewelry she picked out when we shopped together. My brother-in-law mulled over a calendar of the world's most difficult golf courses and wondered how they could be real. My other brother-in-law got from me the same Beth Moore book that I received from Mom and Dad. So now we can be Beth friends. (Beth Friendth?) And both my sisters tried to figure out how in the world the scarves I got them legitimately could double as tube tops. I gave Cassie the newest season of Gilmore Girls so she asked if I wanted to come over (to Kansas) and watch. Sure - just as soon as I catch up on the first five seasons!

The web cam was a success - we all gathered round and watched each other open gifts. In person is better, but hey, this was better than nothing!

And now...I CAN TAKE A NAP!! Because do you know what time you have to get up to cook ham on Christmas? Well it's before 11. I can tell you that.

Sunday, December 24, 2006

Seventeen years ago today, on a Sunday a little bit colder than this one, right about this time in the afternoon, my niece was born. My parents and I went straight to the hospital right after the morning church service. We did not pass go or collect $200 (or lunch, I might add) – just hurried up to sit and wait.

The nurse brought Polaroids into the waiting room and we all about knocked her down, trying to get the first glimpse of the baby. I was so hoping for a niece…and I got my wish. Best Christmas gift ever!

I remember the first time I held her. I got a little bit lost in the shuffle of people vying for the first baby holding. Some things never change. I still won’t ask to hold a baby. But as we were leaving a few hours later, Mom realized I’d not gotten my turn, so she asked me if I wanted to hold Cassie. Silly question.

The picture of our first bonding moment is a little scary. Even though I’d held many babies before and was a regular “junior helper” in the church nursery, I’d never before held a baby who was only hours into life outside the womb. The look on my face in this picture is one of “I have no idea what I’m doing here. Help!”

And yet, Cassie slept peacefully, totally unaware that the arms that held her weren’t a bit sure of themselves. And that day, despite my worries about dropping and breaking the baby, I knew that this little girl was going to be not just my niece, but a very special friend.

My nerves didn’t last long. By the next day, I was an old pro at the newborn thing. I still sported collapsing hair and questionable stonewashed clothing (ahhh, the 80’s!), but my confident smile and mothering skills had kicked in.

History leads us to believe that Mary was a teenager when Jesus was born. Maybe a very young teenager at that. In fact, she might have been barely older than the eleven years I was when Cassie was born. I wonder if she had a brief moment in those first few hours of Jesus’ life when a Polaroid (had it been available) might have captured that same unsure look on her face. Maybe the first time He cried and she wasn’t quite sure what that particular whimper meant or how to fix it. Or when she wondered if she might accidentally break Him as she carried Him across the stable.

If she had such a moment, I just imagine that it didn’t last very long. As the hours passed, and she grew familiar with Him, and He showed her that He was perfectly content with her, she must have gained confidence as His mother.

Chris Eaton and Amy Grant wrote a great song – a song from Mary’s perspective. My preference is the Point of Grace version, but the lyrics, regardless of who sings them, capture what I think that moment was all about. The song is called Breath of Heaven.

The life of a newborn holds such power. Cassie taught me that. One week after she was born, I made a covenant with God to have a new kind of relationship with Him. I had been a Christian since I was six, but as I held Cassie, fed her, changed her, and rocked her to sleep in that first week of her life, I realized I needed more than just that title. I needed a real relationship with God. I needed God to show me how to be an aunt – a good aunt. The prayer I prayed that night was full of my own stammering version of Help me be strong…help me be...help me.

All of that happened seventeen years ago. Cassie has become a special friend to me – just like I knew she would. And I hope that I’ve done a good job in the aunt department. Perhaps not always the best, but hopefully I’ve done well. Happy birthday, Miss Cassie. I love you, and I’m thankful that you, even as a tiny little baby, inspired me to turn to the Breath of Heaven.

Merry Christmas!

Bekah

P.S. – Since I’m out of Sundays to share my favorite Christmas songs, can I throw in one more? I heard this one on the radio this week for the first time and loved it. It’s called One Silent Night and was sung by Jaci Velasquez and Burlap to Cashmere. The song combines the traditional carol Silent Night with Jaci’s song God So Loved. I loved the combo.

Some Things Never Change

Christmas 1981

It wasn't my first visit with Santa, but I think it was the first time I sat on his lap. I wasn't too sure about that the first time they tried. They were good parents and let me keep my distance. I'd have made me sit there just for the photo opp alone. Even if it was a screamy face.

Christmas 2006

Not sure what I asked for the first time around, but this time I asked for my mortgage to be paid off. Apparently this is why Santa visits children. They're cheaper.

Christmas with B

Last Sunday, I had Christmas at my parents' house with my Aunt B. She is my Mom's much YOUNGER sister. (Important to remember that!)

Mom usually makes a birthday cake for Jesus, but Sunday we had birthday pie. We each got to blow out a candle, and despite what it looks like, I did not have a headache. :) I was getting frustrated with the camera.

My gift from Aunt B was a Tree of Life gift card...I sense some coffee in my future!!!!

Dad, Mom (the OLDER sister) and Aunt B (the YOUNGER sister).

Further proof that Dad is feeling more normal these days. Aunt B gave him this warm shirt/coat thing with a hood, and, well...he had to try it out.

How Smart Do I Have to Be? Good GRIEF!

It was all my idea to begin with, so I have no one to blame but myself. I got this brilliant idea to host Christmas here at my house so that the Indiana family could share Christmas with the out of state family by having a webcam Christmas.

Such a simple idea, no?

That's right. NO.

My sister and I have been working for about 3 weeks now to get our webcams to work WHILE the microphone works. That way we don't have to have a pantomime Christmas.

It has nearly exhausted us both. We are both college educated people, but CLEARLY that does not make us smart. She's a lot smarter than I am - and a billion times more patient. We had success just now with sound AND video - for one brief shining millisecond. Most of the time, we only have video...

She's still not giving up - but we might have to start practicing exaggerated reactions anyway. Gives new meaning to Silent Night, doesn't it?

A Successful Party!!

I had a little dinner party at my house last night - pictures will be around sometime, I'm sure. Anyway. I had the work girls over for dinner. I love to cook and do so all the time - even though it's just for me - but I always get nervous when other people eat my cooking. If I make something and hate it, I can say yuck and go to plan B. But if I made something and the company said yuck and asked for a plan B, I'd be mortified!

Despite my nervousness, all seemed to go well. We had lasagna. It was pretty yummy, but it made a 9X13, so I'll be eating lasagna for quite a little while now. :) All the food was done at the right time - which made me very happy. And the cats didn't knock over any candles, so the 248 of them that were lit did not prove to be a fire hazard.

My favorite part (sorry cat-haters) was when Braeya tried to get up on the table. She was on my ONE dining room chair that has arms. I was moving toward her rather quickly and she KNEW she was in trouble. I tried to pick her up to ground her to the upstairs during the meal, and she seemed stuck on something. I leaned over to look closely, and that little booger had both her front paws wrapped securely around the arm of the chair. It was like a two year old with fur! I was laughing so hard - but she still found herself banished to the upstairs. She sat right on the other side of the stairway door and stuck one paw out through the crack under the door, waving wildly. Cute, baby girl, but not cute enough to buy your release until dinner is over!

Now I have to start cooking for the big Christmas Day extravaganza!! That means one more braving of the Wal-Mart......

mama.

Longest Week #452

I appreciate the slow days of Christmas break. It's nice to be able to park closer than 250 miles from my building. It's nice to not have a bunch of voicemails and emails rolling in faster than I can respond. It's nice to dust the desk and clean the drawers.

But it is so boring!!!

At 8:15 this morning, someone asked me how the day was going, and I said, "Well I'm just waiting for five!"

And now - one coffee, half a water bottle, half a coke, and three pieces of pizza later, I'm still waiting for five! Tonight I'm having the office girls over for dinner, so I keep thinking of all the things I could be doing at home. Maybe I'll get to go home early since I do need to preheat the oven. :) One could hope!!!

Well - I have absolutely nothing of importance to report. I was just blogging out of boredom.