This is Really Real!!!

Sometimes Ryan and I shake our heads and say - is this really our lives?? How did we go from where we were and the hurts we had...to being together...and being 28 days away from being married? How did this happen?

Last night we were driving home and Josh Wilson's song Before the Morning came on. Oh goodness - how many HUNDREDS of times did I listen to that song during my desert and cling to it for hope while simultaneously believing it would NEVER be true for me? That the pain I was feeling would surely kill me. Surely.

And yet it did not and the song is true - it really was just the dark before the morning.

Ryan and I spent much of this past week beginning the (apparently never-ending) process of combining our households. And with each step we took, it felt just a little more real to me!

Last weekend, we purchased our first "together" piece of furniture. An entertainment center! Here's something I adore about Ryan: he's a go-getter. We walked in the door with it...and never mind that it was 9:30 at night...he opened the box and set about assembling it. Melt.

 Ummmm....perhaps there were more pieces than he bargained for?

 For those of you wondering...Braeya has transitioned quite nicely to having Ryan around. She loves him ever so much and apparently she also loves to supervise his work.

 2 hours later and...DONE!

 So then just this weekend, Ryan and our friend Adam showed up with a trailer full of "the big stuff." As you saw in the weekly recap...one of the big things was this mattress. I did not think they would get it up the stairs. To turn that corner right there and make it up the narrow staircase is...excruciating. And I think both of them would offer a hearty amen to that. Nevertheless, they did it!

 Ryan estimated the mattress to weigh in excess of 200 pounds. I think they both deserved a frappe for that, don't you?

So it's really real...he's moving in, and every time I walk past something he brought with him...or something we've purchased together...I'm so blessedly reminded that the song is true. It really was just the dark before the morning, and now the morning is HERE!

* Clarification - again - because I had a question about it. NO we are not living together before we are married. We were just moving his stuff in so we could get the house put together before the wedding. He is still living at his house and I am still living at mine. *

It's the Weekly Recap!

* Last Sunday afternoon we rearranged my bedroom to make it our bedroom. Ryan will be moving into my house after we get married, so we wanted to kind of start over and make this space ours. I've never before had help in cleaning or rearranging a room, but in a God-orchestrated kind of way, Ryan loves doing both, so we spent the afternoon together making this OURS. LOVED IT. And this is my favorite part of what is now in the bedroom:

* Monday evening we had our first premarital counseling session. I was a tiny bit nervous about it - never been to premarital counseling before! Our pastor met with us and my favorite words he said were the ones we parted with - when he said he fully expected we would get married and be married for the rest of our lives. I love knowing others see that in our relationship!

* Tuesday (brace yourself) I stayed home from work, sick. I woke up feeling like I'd been run over by a truck and my head hurt so much I couldn't even open my eyes. I knew it was slick out (thank you, Sandy!) and I didn't think I had any business being out operating a motor vehicle like that, so I called in sick. Didn't even get up until 1 p.m. I rested all day and then that night, I ventured forth because it was the night of my dress alteration appointment! Obviously can't show you a picture of that, but here's a pic to hold you over..

* Wednesday evening was date night with Ryan and we actually just stayed in and enjoyed dinner and watching TV together. I was in desperate need of a night of nothing. Ever have a day like that? We also had one very darling little (blognonymous) trick-or-treater that just melted my heart!

* Thursday night I had dinner with my friend Laurie - and check out this taco salad I ate!

Almost every bite, I'm sorry to say. (Trying to take it easy on the food before the wedding sure can make a girl hungry.) Then I had a chance to see Ryan for a bit - and we had one of the most beautiful talks I think we've ever had. I will treasure that one always.

* Friday night I went to Ryan's to do the great tear down of the kitchen at his house. We went through everything and picked out the things we planned to bring to my house for the combining of the households. It was like Christmas morning - finding new treasures!!!

* And yesterday was officially moving day for Ryan...minus Ryan, of course. He went ahead and brought over all the "big stuff" while he had a decent weather day and our friend Adam was free to help. My favorite part was when they attempted to get a king size mattress up a very narrow staircase. They did it. Uh-mazing.

Pinterest Inspiration: I've been wanting one of these for a while - for our room so we can write gross love notes to each other. (Gross for anyone else who sees. We love gooshy stuff like that.)

Source: doitandhow.com via Rebekah on Pinterest

So I made this one. Scrapbook paper - I used a glittery blue since we're going with a beachy cottage theme in our room (well, once we move). The message was to welcome him when he moved his stuff in. :) Can't wait until HE can stay with it!

What if We Loved...

I'm learning so much about love as I go on this journey with Ryan. I've loved before - but it's different with him. (As it should be.)

But this week I learned something new and it has challenged me. (Maybe this is only new to me and the rest of you are mentally patting my head and saying "good girl...keep learning.")

When Ryan proposed to me, he offered such a beautiful collection of thoughts to me. He knelt before me, before God, before all my co-workers, and before the unseen cloud of witnesses listening on the airwaves and he told me all the reasons he loved me. He called me beautiful, courageous, brave, and a host of other encouraging things about who I am and how I love him.

And I loved that. Who isn't affirmed and blessed by hearing what she's done right? Who isn't blessed and encouraged?

But this week, Satan's been after me. Not in making me doubt my love for Ryan. Not in pushing me to wonder if this is right. I'm still 1000% certain of the depth of my love for him and that he is the one I not only desire to marry, but that God is calling me to marry. He is my redemption. Just like in the book of Ruth, God sent Boaz to redeem Ruth after she lost her husband, he sent Ryan to redeem me after Isaac walked away. And I am ready to stand before Ryan and say the same words Ruth said - "Wherever you go, I will go. Wherever you live, I will live. Your people will be my people and your God, my God. Where you die, I will die and there will I be buried. May God deal with me, be it ever so severely, if anything but death separates you and me."

I'm ready. And in fact, I'm so excited. Wish it were today.

But Satan has been after me in planting anxiety...fear...doubt...about who I am. Am I too much for him? Am I too much for anyone? Can I love him as fully as he deserves to be loved? Can I be the wife I ache to be?

And this week, Ryan sat with me, sacrificing his own time and need for rest, to hear my fears, to hear my hurts, and when I finished pouring out my heart to him, he cupped my face in his hands and told me how much he loved me.

But this time it wasn't because I'm beautiful and courageous and brave.

This time he declared out loud, and with as much confidence as he possessed in the proposal, that he loved me - all of me. Even the part of me that overthinks things. Even the part of me that worries needlessly. Even the part of me that is weak. Even the part of me that is riddled by past hurts.

And it made me wonder...what if we all loved like that?

I love being loved for the good things about me. I love it that Ryan sees me for who I am. I love that he sees in me the things I can't see in myself. I love that he's proud of me and eager to enjoy all the good things I have to offer him...the things I've worked hard to develop all these many years. I love that.

But perhaps the greatest declaration of love was whispered into my ear in the stillness of a living room, while strong hands wiped away tears that slid down my cheeks. Perhaps the love that scooped up all my weakness and loved it as wholly and completely as the strength is the greatest love.

What if we loved like that?

Randomness

It's about an hour past my bedtime (on a school night, no less) and I have so many deep, meaningful thoughts swirling around in my head...that I can't write about any of them. So hold the desire for deep thoughts for another day and check out this mess of randomness.

* I already posted about the Mercy Me concert I went to this past weekend, but I didn't have this one picture to share. Trinity Communications posted their photos, which were taken by David Eck, and here's the one of Ryan and me with Mercy Me and Adam Cappa:

* I am currently sporting 2 gold fingernails and 8 Colts blue nails. Lynne and I did a manicure experiment with some of the fingernail press polish (not press on NAILS...but polish strips you press on) - hence the 2 gold nails. I'm not sure which disturbs me more...the mismatched nails...or the fact that this sort of thing is in (enough) right now that no one even glances twice.

* Winter must be on its way, because Braeya has returned to her weird habit of burying herself completely under the covers of my bed while she sleeps. I come home from work every day to a partially unmade bed, courtesy of Miss Feline.

* Speaking of Braeya...Monday night when I went to bed, I ate a Reese's peanut butter pumpkin and drank a glass of milk. When I finally got up on Tuesday (sick day for this girl) - around 1 p.m...I found the wrapper for the candy on the night stand, but there was no sign of the glass. I looked behind the night stand, under the bed, and in every other location I could THINK of that might hold said glass. No luck. I mentioned it in passing to Ryan, and when I got home from my dress alteration appointment on Wednesday night, he was holding the glass in his hand. Know where he found it? Under the bed. Know how it got there? (Hint...offender has four legs and a tail.)

* One month from today: I'm getting married!!!!

* I now have a fireplace in my bedroom (soon to be our bedroom) and I can think of no lovelier way to fall asleep. So I shall. Beginning now. Happy Friday!!!

Ours

The longer I stayed single, the more I worried that if I ever found anyone...I wouldn't be able to adjust to life with another person in my space. I worried I'd be too set in my ways. That I wouldn't want to make compromises and allowances for another person.

But it's surprised me how easy it's been to let Ryan in...not only into my heart, but into my life. How easy it's been to change my course of thinking from mine to ours.

It's a nice word to say...ours. Our home. Our vehicles. Our money. Of course we still have just a whisper over a month left before all those things actually are officially ours, but in my heart, the switch has been made. I'm part of someone else's life now, and my decisions are driven by that our thinking.

There's a blog I like to read called Walk With Me By Faith. The blogger is about my age and has struggled for several years to have a baby. She and her husband are now pregnant with twins and I've loved reading her weekly updates on her pregnancy. As she answers the same questions week after week (about cravings and weight gain and such) she always answers this one question the same way. The question says what I miss... and her answer, every week is this: Not a thing. I've waited too long for this and I'm grateful for everything I'm experiencing.

She was pretty sick at the beginning of her pregnancy, so the whole thing hasn't been physically fun, but she's never lost the perspective that this is exactly what she prayed to receive and she's walked the moments with joy.

And that's exactly how I feel about life with Ryan. He makes our relationship so much fun. We do a lot of laughing, a lot of deep talking, a lot of dreaming - and in each of those "our" moments, I have so much fun. But even in the moments when one of us has to make a sacrifice for the other...I smile because I've waited so long for this and I'm grateful for everything I'm experiencing...even the sacrifices. Perhaps especially those. They remind me of what I have that I so longed to experience.

In the next month (and the month after that...and on and on and on until we're 112 or beyond) I will continue to learn how to become part of an our. And there might be times when I don't accomplish it too well. But I'm so grateful to be an our that I have this to say about what I miss about being single: Not a thing. I've waited too long for this and I'm grateful for everything I'm experiencing.

Mercy Me!

Last Saturday, this was the view in the vehicle: 

That's because this girl was driving. The van. The BIG van. The van with the full wrap. The van that is twice as big as the Bekahmobile. Yeah, I would have been scared to be a passenger, too!

 Ryan and I were en route to the Mercy Me/Adam Cappa concert in Fort Wayne. I worked this concert...my first time to see Mercy Me by themselves. (They were part of the Rock and Worship Road Show I worked a few months ago.)

At the beginning of the evening was a meet and greet session. Scott Tsuleff led that - and here he is with Adam Cappa, who opened for Mercy Me. I was so impressed with Adam! Really great guy - very humble and such a great sense of humor!!

 Then Mercy Me came in and answered questions! (The room was packed and was getting pretty warm by that time, so I didn't stay in there for all of that part.)

 Photo session time!! Scott with Mercy Me. Ryan and I had our picture taken with them too but we didn't have anyone to take one on my camera, so I'll have to wait until the staff photographer ones are online to share that one!

 At the beginning of the concert, I went on stage with Scott to make an announcement and throw fling rings. Scott told the crowd that I'd just gotten engaged live on the air and they clapped. I joined them. Yay for engagements!!!!

 Adam used to be a worship leader at a church, so his style was very similar to that. Really loved his opening music!!

 We kind of couldn't get to our seats because they roped off the aisle we needed. So we sat in the lobby for most of the concert - going in now and then when some of our favorite songs played. I love this man so much!!!

 Hanging out with my good friend, Diane!

 Mercy Me took the stage!!!

 I had about as much fun taking pictures of the lighting as I did anything else! :)

 Love so many of their songs - especially The Hurt and the Healer.

 And Beautiful. I needed to hear that song. It has such a great message!

 More concert lighting...

 We even had about a 20 minute sermon about the church's identity crisis and how we need to understand that being a busybody for God is pointless - He just wants US.

Great night - even though it was a long one! By the time we got the table torn down and the van returned to the station and found SOMETHING still open for dinner at 11:30 at night....it was 1 in the morning before we got back to our neck of the woods!!

Ask and You Shall Receive (2)

Yesterday I shared the first half of the answers to some ABC get-to-know-you questions Ryan answered for me. Here is the rest of the list...and hopefully you feel like you know him better now!! (And hopefully you're still convincing him to guest post for me...)

Nicknames: Ryno, Baldy and of course, the most obvious: Mr. Clean. (I'm just annoyed that I haven't come up with the perfect nickname for him yet.)

Overnight Hospital Stays: That would be a no, but countless trips to the ER. We won't go into detail about that. (This is one thing that makes me nervous. I'm useless in an emergency...)

Pet Peeves: People that poop on the toilet seat. Slow drivers. GAS IS ON THE RIGHT, PEOPLE!!! (Clarification to those of you who might wonder about my bathroom habits...he works in health care. I do have the whole bathroom thing figured out, thankyouverymuch. As for the slow drivers, I'm with him on that one. We're a TREAT together when behind a Slowy McSlowerson. And yes, I have started him using that phrase.)

Quote from a Movie: Interestingly enough, all the quotes I know are from Jim Carrey movies and aren't worth repeating. (We are so compatible!!)

Right or Left Handed: It's a right handed world. Left handed people hate that phrase.

Siblings: I have 2 brothers and 2 sisters. Oh the stories I could tell...but we'll save that for another day! (And I am so excited to be part of their family! I love them!)

Time It Takes To Get Ready: 20-22 minutes. Somewhere in there. That includes combing my hair. (I can't even SHOWER in 22 minutes. Uh oh.)

Ultimate Vacation: Whitewater rafting in the Grand Canyon with my lovely bride by my side. (Hmmm. Wonder who he's marrying?)

Vegetable You Hate: Canned spinach. Blech. Makes me wanna puke. (A hearty amen to that.)

What Makes You Run Late: Slow drivers. Occasionally my lovely bride. (But only very occasionally. Like when I get behind a slow driver going to meet him.)

X Rays You've Had: All current x rays have been of my hands. Probably should have been more, but I opted out. (Oh dear.)

Yummy Food That You Make: Anything on the grill. (True story. And many, many other things as well. He's a great cook. And we love cooking together, too! One of our favorite things to do.)

Zoo Animal: Honeybadger, Baby! (They don't care.)

Ask and You Shall Receive!

** UPDATE!!!!** Ryan's sister noticed that I FORGOT THE LETTER J in my post below. I've updated it to include J!! Thanks, Bre, for catching that! I am now going to sit at my desk and sing the ABC song.

I've had some requests for a "get to know Ryan" post...so for those of you asking, today and tomorrow ARE YOUR DAYS!!

I've also had a request for Ryan to guest post, but that one is taking some convincing (on his part...I think it's a stellar idea). So you know - help me convince him to write for me one day, will you?? :)

One suggestion I had for the get-to-know-the-fiance post was for Ryan to answer the same questions I answered a few weeks back when I did 2 days of ABC questions. So as we drove home from the Mercy Me concert (at midnight) Saturday, we kept ourselves awake on the interstate by taking the quiz! Here are the answers, part A. (All my editorial comments will be contained in parentheses.)

Age: 33 1/2, apparently, according to the party my hot Awesome Sauce threw me last week. (Awesome Sauce is his nickname for me.)

Bed Size: King size, baby! Is there any other size? (Indeed there is not.)

Chore You Hate: Dusting - just seems to be nonstop. (Which is why I rebel against doing it. But don't tell him that.)

Dogs: That would be a no. Had one once. He died...I mean she died. The end. It wasn't even my dog, now that I think about it. (This would be why we should not have children. It can't go well.)

Essential Way to Start Your Day: COFFEE, PLEASE!! (I am so in love.)

Favorite Color: That would be blue. (And that would also be one of our wedding colors.)

Gold or Silver: Silver. It's so shiny. (I am so in love.)

Height: Ha ha...well, I was 5'7" and 1/4 until my most recent health screening and I have spurted to a whopping 5'8" with no shoes - but with socks. Quite proud of that one. (And just in case you're wondering, I am shorter. But if big hair comes back in, I can't participate. Which is just as well.)

Instruments You Play: I was current on the recorder when I was eleven, but at this point in time, that talent has left me and it appears that the kazoo is the only instrument I play. Do you play a kazoo? Blow a kazoo? Hum a kazoo? I'm not sure what you do.

Job Title: Physical Therapist Assistant.

Kids: That is a big fat zero. (And we like it that way.)

Live: For Rebekah Freelan * makes kissy sounds *. (I promise I didn't pay him to say that. Much.)

Mother's Name: She answers to many names. Due to the nature of this blog, we will go with Juanita. (And I love her. Been praying for a great mother-in-law since I was in high school. God well answered that prayer beyond my hopes!)

And that concludes the first portion of the alphabet...so come back tomorrow for part 2!

It's the Weekly Recap!

* Last Sunday evening, Ryan and I took a walk through campus, because it was SO beautiful outside, and while walking, we decided to scrap our original dinner plans and have a fire in the fire pit and roast hot dogs! It was our very first fire pit date, and we LOVED it. But since you already saw that...here's a picture from our walk.

* Monday evening I was a cleaning fool - bagging up FIVE bags of clothes and miscellany for the Rescue Mission - and three bags of trash! All this is part of the great purge of 2012 to make plenty of room for Ryan to move in after we are married. (Too embarrassed to post a picture of this madness.

* Tuesday evening I worked hard on the special date I have been planning for Ryan. I had some help with this adventure:

(I use the term "help" very loosely.) Not only did I do that...but I also paid a surprise visit to Ryan to take him dinner because he had a really long day and I knew he just didn't feel like making a dinner for himself. I love doing things like that so much.

* Wednesday evening was, of course, Ryan's 33.5 birthday party, which I blogged about yesterday. I have to tell you that I just adored planning that little date and I had such a wonderful time celebrating his life!

 * Thursday was exhausting at work (in a good way) and when I got home, Ryan came over and we went shopping with the teens from church - for stuff to fill Operation Christmas Child boxes. That was my first time to ever do that (fill boxes, not shop, HELLO!!) and after that, we went to IVANHOES!!! I would have taken pictures except it was a tragic hair night. So just imagine it. (The night. Not the hair. Don't imagine that.)

* Friday night Ryan and I did some shopping of our own - including scoping out Kohl's for things we might want to put on a registry if we ever choose to make one. Guess what will NOT be going on our registry!?!?!??!!?!?!

I HATE those wooden toilet seats and it has kind of become a joke as we house hunt online - the houses I like most ALWAYS have one.

* Saturday night I worked the Mercy Me concert in Fort Wayne. Ryan went with me -  his first time to go along while I worked a concert! We had a BLAST. Here's a picture from the Meet n Greet before. (More to come on this concert.)

Pinterest Inspiration: Here was my original pin inspiration....and mine was a bit of just a take on it.

Source: thegunnysack.com via Rebekah on Pinterest

But the idea to put something inside the balloons and have that be part of the gift inspired me to do this for Ryan's birthday:

33.5

I had a little surprise date for Ryan this week. I was working on it SO HARD before we got engaged - having, of course, no idea I would be getting engaged, and then I felt like I really slacked off with the planning after that! But I managed to get it all put together JUST in time...to celebrate his 33 1/2 birthday! (We weren't dating on his birthday, so I missed the chance to celebrate on time. I figured the 6 month mark was as good a time as any.)

Lucked out and found this shirt at Cato while shopping for something else...so I got that for my party attire.

 The gift room. I blew up 33 balloons and filled them with slips of paper. More on that later...but each slip of paper had a gift of some sort on it.

 Dinner was a fire pit ordeal. And I do mean ordeal. I had this planned before our impromptu fire pit date on Sunday. Promise. I set the patio table with all our food...

 ...which included candles embedded in Reese's pumpkins. (He loves Reese's.)

 In lieu of a cake - s'mores!! Our choice of regular or chocolate grahams and Reese's pumpkins or regular chocolate bars. Mixed it up a bit!!!

 A bottle of sparkling grape juice I purchased on my vacation to the Biltmore this summer. Been saving it for a special occasion.

 When he arrived after work, I met him at his car with a birthday card that explained the reason for our special date.

 And then I "built a fire." This was LITERALLY the only minute it had a flame. Boy aren't I glad I captured it in a photo!?!?!

 So then Ryan tried. And tried. And tried. I think we had defective wood. He finally went to the store for more lighter fluid and got the fire going. Poor guy. Had to build his own birthday fire.

 Roasting hot dogs, baby!!

 I sang and everything. And apparently he still loves me!!

 Roasting marshmallows. THOSE I caught on fire when it was my turn. Seriously? I can't build a fire but I can catch the food on fire? Sigh.

 My chocolate graham/Reese cup s'more.

 And then it was present time!!! He really liked popping open all the balloons. Braeya? Not so much. She didn't care for that activity. Most of the balloons contained verses I'd printed out...verses from A-Z I've been praying for my husband for many years - without having any idea who he was. I loved hearing him read them all. Some balloons had directions - like to dance to a song I'd picked out. Stuff like that. It was a lot of fun!

 And some balloons had directions to open the pile-o-presents behind him. In this present? K-cups. :)

 A little box to hold the stash of cards and notes I'm always giving him. I figure if I create clutter, I should offer a space to contain it.

 The aftermath.

We both loved that evening. It was so much fun! He loved the surprise and I got the biggest blessing out of watching his face as he opened every balloon. Thank you, Pinterest, for the inspiration! :)

Things I've Learned While Planning a Wedding

Do you all watch Say Yes to the Dress? If we happen to be home when it's on, we usually watch it. Sunday = football, Friday = wedding goop shows. It's a fabulous compromise.

If you've never seen it, let me catch you up. Brides with an entourage (which usually includes one uber-opinionated mother/father/grandmother and/or bridesmaid) shop for a dress, which in my opinion, is usually overpriced by about $10,000. They argue and debate and in the end, find something that moves them to tears and wild face-fanning, in true beauty pageant queen style.

I tried on about six dresses in 45 minutes and went back to the second one I donned, knowing in my heart it was my dress. I hesitate to say much more than that here, fearing I'll say too much (aka post a picture because I'm so stinkin' excited about that DRESS!)

I sent a picture of myself in the dress to one of my friends that night and she asked if it was really the right dress because she wasn't sure I had "the glow." I assured her it was indeed the right dress - and still know in my heart that it was.

But it bothered me that I failed to glow like the brides of TV. Do I, perhaps, have some bridal defect?

Many people have mentioned how different this wedding is than the wedding I laboriously laid out in my twenties. The one I typed, single-spaced, to be carried out with much precision.

That Bekah would not have picked out a dress in 45 minutes. (She would have still ended up with the same dress, but only after 4 days - 24 hours of combined shopping - a host of "no way" tries, and an exhausted bridal party.)

That Bekah would have taken votes on hairstyles, driven herself to an ulcer hand-stamping her own invitations, made elaborate Pinterest-inspired "will you be my bridesmaid?" care packages, organized an overstuffed planning binder, and not slept the night before the wedding, worrying that someone might stand outside the assigned formation on the platform.I

There would have been a lot of tears, but it's doubtful they would have come from that giddy moment of finding something to be right and good - and more from exasperation.

This way (for me) is so much less stress.

And here's what I've learned.

I might not have cookie cutter looks for my bridal party, but I was moved to tears in the decision to honor Kirk and Angela in said party - because it's such a joy to do something to remember two people who so greatly shaped my life and made me into not a bride - but a WIFE of good character.

I might not have shed beauty-pageant-queen tears at the selection of the perfect dress, but I wept and shivered with great joy when I read the fully written ceremony my brother-in-law emailed to me this week - because I love the symbolism it portrays.

I might not have a guest list of 250 sitting in an overheated church, fanning themselves with programs and complaining about giving up a Saturday afternoon to dress up - but I have a tiny cloud of witnesses planning to sit on a beach and watch the union, and the sacrifice of that few joining us moves me so greatly.

I might not have a bridal registry, but I have an inbox full of emails from people who can't help but offer what they've learned about God from watching our relationship and that means more to me than any set of towels.

The wedding may look wildly different from what I ever expected, but I'm 100% excited about what it represents and how it honors the love story God has scripted. And THAT makes me say yes to this marriage - and this man. This love sent from the Lord.