Making the Goals and Finding the Balance

Is it okay if I think out loud with you today? (If not, maybe you should stop now.)

It's been just short of nine years since my world was upended by a relationship loss. I distinctly remember Memorial Day weekend that year being sickeningly, sticky hot. I wandered aimlessly outside for hours, pacing through the grounds of the IWU campus, because for as miserable as the outside proved to be, the inside of my house felt just as suffocating.

The whole summer looked a lot like that weekend, actually. Lots of pacing and praying in conditions that were probably way more unsafe than I knew. But I also remember the day in late summer/early fall, when I knew in my heart that I had to start living real life again. The loss was permanent, and though I feared it may hurt forever, I had to start being an active participant in humanity again.

One problem: I had no idea how to do that.

So I did the only thing I could think to do: I went to Wal-Mart, bought a day planner, brought it home, cracked it open, and started planning.

I planned silly little things at first. Laundry. Cooking a meal. Paying bills. But for the first time in months, rather than doing those things out of last-minute desperation, I planned them ahead. I made them important.

And slowly, I started planning actual fun things that I knew I would enjoy. And eventually, the routine of planning ahead ushered me back into real life as I had once known it. (Well. Life as I had once known it was actually completely over, but a newer, healthier normal replaced it.)

I've never looked back from being a day-planner girl since then. I'd used them randomly, on and off, prior to that season, but since then, I've learned I function best with a planner in hand. And what a delight it is to know that I married a man who loves planning ahead just as much as I do. We're the planner people.

The problem is...not everyone in our lives adores planning the same way we do. And one of the hardest parts for us is finding that balance between planning ahead so we can function at our best and leaving enough margin in the squares of the planner to make room for last minute things that pop up.

The months since Nita's death have been a bit on the floundering side for me where schedules are concerned. I told Ryan that from the moment I quit my job almost four years ago, until the moment his mom died, I've had almost a constant stream of obligations roll my way. It started with organizing our house, and then we moved. I organized a new house and then my mom had a hip replacement. Then she had double knee replacements. Then Ryan's mom got sick and passed away. Suddenly, I had no idea what to do next.

I determined in the last couple of weeks that I needed to establish a new routine, and yesterday was the first day. I have a morning schedule and an afternoon schedule, and my hope is to stick to them as closely as I am able, so I can begin to see what I'm capable of achieving in each time frame. (My morning work is completely different from my afternoon work.) Taking on these new roles means some of the regular-life stuff I've done throughout the day might need to be moved to the evening, so I've been trying to figure out how to make room in our typically-packed nights to get everything accomplished.

And in typical Bekah-fashion, unexpected things crept in that very first day. I had to remember the importance of putting aside some of my own goals (which were really important to me) and roll with what the day brought.

If you're a fellow-planner, you know that's a tough one!

(And if you're not a fellow-planner, but you know and love some, hopefully this helps you understand how our plan-loving minds are wired!)

I fully believe with every part of my soul that this ongoing tug-of-war in my heart is part of the way God is pruning and shaping me right now. I believe He has things He wants me to learn about how to be a responsible, proactive planner girl and yet hold those plans loosely so I can be available for Him to bring into my life the plans He has for me. (For us. They usually involve Ryan too.)

I don't have an answer on how all this works. (Sorry! If you were reading along hoping for an answer, there isn't one. Spoiler alert!)

But I said this to Ryan last night: "There are a lot of things I don't know. But I do know this much - I love Jesus with all my heart and I want to serve Him and do the work He has for me. And I love you with all my heart and I want the best marriage we can possibly have. Those are the two things I do know."

So for now, I'll keep filling in the squares on my planner. I'll ask God each day how I can best serve Him and love Ryan that day and then I'll do it all over again the next day. And in all of that, I hope He will teach me the balance of making the goals and letting Him interrupt as needed.