Living in the Swirl

We've heard the question often lately: how are you doing? It's usually followed by a pause and a no...really...how are you doing?

We really feel like we're doing pretty well, overall. We are grateful we had four months to prepare for a goodbye, and while that didn't make it an easy thing to do when the moment came, we feel our hearts were are prepped as possible. We are grieving, we are processing our thoughts, we are curious what the future will look like, but we are doing well. It's our first journey through this type of loss together, so we really had no idea how it would work, but so far, we're figuring it out day by day. We've learned to give each other space and grace - and yet hang on tightly and support one another. 

But we do feel like we're living in a bit of a swirl right now. 

I still have stacks all around the house. Stacks of Ryan's baby pictures we brought home from the cabin when we sorted through photos before the funeral. Stacks of cards we've received - and thank you so much for sending them! They have been a comfort to us as we read your words! Stacks of flowers and gifts that each hold a special place in our hearts, because they will always serve as a beautiful reminder of Ryan's mom's life and her relationship with us. 

We're trying to catch up with the life-stacks too. The stacks of work piling up in the office, books I'm now officially behind on reading, spring cleaning that needs done...just the normal everyday that hasn't been tended to in a while. And because we are creatures of routine, we know we will feel a bit more normal when we can tackle some of those tasks. 

We're attempting to settle back into our routines of a regular diet, working out, our cleaning schedule, and time spent together. 

And then there are the things that loom in the future. I have a handful of speaking engagements coming up that I am committed to give my full attention to, some summer plans that need solidified, and the never-ending dreaming and praying over our someday. We feel the weight of uncertainty over things ahead that we haven't had time to even consider until now, but now they're loud and demanding.

So for now, we're living in the swirl. We're back to lists and day planners, hoping they will help us manage the swirl rather than getting sucked into it.

One of you (THANK YOU!!) emailed me this week to warn me about grief-brain and how it can be a very real thing that causes you to stumble in functioning seamlessly for a while. Thank you for encouraging us to offer that grace to ourselves, because I'm sure there will be a few things that get lost in the swirl in the days to come.

But yes, overall, we are doing well. God gives just enough strength and grace for each day, and we know He won't stop!