What I Learned in March

No, it's not the last day of the month, but it is the last weekday of the month, so I'm checking in with my "What I Learned" post. I feel like I missed making notes of many things I learned this month. And if I didn't make a note - did I even really learn it? Much of what you're about to read points to things I learned in a season of grief. Some of them aren't things I learned for the first time as much as they're things I relearned after being away from them for a season. Either way, it's been quite a March.

1. I need to make time to stretch.

This falls under one of those things I knew, but I didn't really know. I've never been diligent about stretching. When I did BeachBody workouts, I probably did my best stretching, because the video workouts included warmups and cooldowns. But when I work out on my own, and especially when I run, I never stretch. And I never do any other kind of formal stretching either. At the start of March, I decided all the stress building up in my body felt kind of toxic, and I needed to figure out how to stretch out, relax, and relieve tension. So I've been purposeful about making more time for it - even though my attempt to establish a firm new habit got interrupted with our crazy month. The days I was faithful to do it, I saw an enormous difference in how I felt!

2. I can do all things through Christ.

Okay, so I knew that, but I learned it in a new way this month. From the moment we learned that Ryan's mom would not ultimately survive her illness, his biggest prayer was to be by her side when she passed away. I prayed hard that God would allow him to have that moment, but I did not need to be part of it. I know some people find that beautiful and comforting, but I am not built for it, and I figured I would cause more harm than good. In the (literal) end, Ryan needed and wanted me beside him, so I was there, praying out loud all the way through her death. At one point I stopped and said, "Jesus you've got to help me, because I am NOT built for this." And He did. He helped me not pass out, be present for my husband, and pray my mother-in-law Home.

3. I grieve privately.

It's been many years since I lost someone very close to me, so I was sort of out of practice on hard-core grieving. And it's the first time I've processed such thoughts since I've been married. I learned I really need privacy to do that. We were so busy in the days following Nita's death that I didn't have time to sit down and work through my thoughts. The day before her viewing, I had about two hours in the afternoon to crumple in a heap on the bedroom floor and cry, and I did. The day after her funeral was the only day we had at home together throughout his bereavement leave. I needed that time. I love people and had gratefully greeted hundreds of them over the previous days, but I really needed that grief-privacy so desperately.

4. It's hard to get back into a routine.

Being the lover of lists and color-coding that I am, I fully expected that once our official bereavement time ended, I'd be able to hop back into the regular schedule we had prior to Nita's death. It wasn't quite that simple. I'm still not sure what made it so hard, but it definitely did take quite a while to ease back into our routine. (And I'm still not convinced we've fully gotten back to it yet. Goodness.) But we are working hard to establish it again, because for us, that is part of healing. Everyone heals in different ways, but routine is part of our healing.

5. I think we should live at the lake.

Again, this may not be something I learned, but it was certainly confirmed this month. Oh my goodness. How I love the water, and the idea of getting to see it every day of my life is an idea I dearly love. It was so hard to come home from that retreat by the lake.

6. People are unbelievably kind.

In an anger and hatred saturated world, it sure is lovely to find kindness abounding. Ryan and I were absolutely blown away by the kindness shown to us this month. People left kind words on this blog, Facebook, and Instagram, when we shared the news about his mom's passing. We have a huge stack of cards - and it has meant so much to us that so many would take time to find, write, and mail a card. I didn't cook for about two weeks, while people kindly provided food for us. (I got spoiled!) So many gifts poured in, and no two alike. And all the people who took time to stand/sit for over two hours at her viewing...wow! I am thankful for the outpouring, but I'm more thankful to get a glimpse of the huge good that still exists in this world.