One Month

One month ago today, I headed to my full time job at WBCL for the last time. I drove to work with a combination of deep grief and deep joy...and a healthy measure of apprehension.

What would it be like to NOT have a full time job for the first time since I graduated from college? Would I get bored? Would I lose my sense of identity? Would I matter anymore?

It's been a month now, and it feels like the working world was a lifetime ago.

I miss my friends at the station, many of whom have been so kind to email, text, and call regularly, and I appreciate that. I love hearing the happenings of their days, and I love knowing I still matter to them, even though I can't pop down the hall and see them.

Truthfully, I worried I would miss the job itself with the same intensity I missed the people I shared my days with. I had fun producing, and I was good at producing. But through a change in my heart that I can only attribute to the Lord's Hand, I can tell you without a doubt...I don't miss that part.

Producing live radio can be crazy hectic. {As can many other things in life, but this is the one I know.} The scrambling to find guests on dates no one seems to want. Rushing to cover when someone cancels at the last minute. Running at a dead sprint through the station when a call drops and we have to get someone to call back so we can continue our show. Emails by the hundreds. Juggling the details of a date three months down the road while juggling the details of three minutes down the road. Translating time zones and recalling shows that aired months ago - complete with the guest and book names. Running contests. Running for caffeine.

And it's been true...what God put on my heart that led to this change...He was ready for me to simplify.

He was ready for me to reach for ANYTHING besides my email at 4:30 in the morning. {I always checked it first to make sure we'd not had a cancellation since I went to bed at midnight.} In fact, He was ready for me to sleep PAST 4:30 in the morning. He was ready for me to spend my days building a home and rebuilding relationships. He was ready for me to fill in at home in case of emergency, rather than calling my mom in a panic to see if she could help since I was an hour away. He was ready for me to take on errands and be a hostess and be a writer. He was ready for me to spend my evenings looking at Ryan, not at my blog.

It feels natural. It feels right.

I have a day planner filled to the absolute brim with chores and meetings for each week. But if a moment comes when I'm overwhelmed with anxiety, I can stop right then and pray for as long as I need to get through it. If something comes up last minute, I'm much more likely to be able to drop everything and tend to it. {And that's happened more than once!}

We can go to bed earlier, because we're not rushing to beat the clock each night doing laundry and dishes and all the other little chores.

Radio was cool and fun and I was somebody when I served on air. And maybe one day, that will be our life again. But I worried that in this present, I might be a nobody because I wasn't silly Bekah with the crazy stories. And from an outsider's perspective, that might be shaping up to be true. But I still see great purpose. God's laying foundations, even in moments when I'm not writing, for a future He has planned that I can't see. All the little side chores I've taken on matter, because they're helping me become a better writer. And that makes me somebody to God and Ryan at the very least, and they're the two that matter most.

So one month in, I remain confident that this was the right decision. That today's calendar is where I'm called to be at this time, without apology. And it feels like it's always been this way.