Long Talks

This is a post I enter with a healthy amount of trepidation, because I'm fully aware that some of you sitting on the other side of that screen reading might chuck something at me {if you could, please make it chocolate? Lessens the blow.} and say something along the lines of "Must be nice to live in YOUR world. Try mine for a while."

So before you throw things {though feel free to gently hand over the chocolate if you want}, please know that I'm well aware I don't know what it's like always, and I write what I do simply out of a heart of gratitude, for one thing, and a heart of encouragement for those who might need it.

I know the stereotype that men don't talk. They grunt...avoid conversation...nod and agree just to save time.

I did not marry that man. I married a talker! He can actually give me a run for my money in the chatter department. So I know in that respect, we are already different from a lot of couples. And that's okay! This is who we are, and others of you might not match. Aren't we glad God made us all different!?!? Life would be pretty boring if we all matched.

Last night, though, I had a lot on my mind. A lot more than usual. And so I laid down on the couch, reminiscent of visiting the therapist, and for over an hour, we just talked. And you know what I'm thankful for today? I'm thankful for the freedom to speak my heart. I'm thankful I can say anything - even the dumb things, and they are plentiful in that kind of stream-of-consciousness speak, and I'm loved. I'm thankful to share my deepest fears, however ridiculous they may be. I'm thankful to share my biggest dreams, however unlikely they may be. I'm thankful to share the things that really just make no sense, and it's okay because at the end of the conversation...I'm loved.

He threw out scenarios to me to get my gut-level reaction. We agreed. We disagreed. We hashed through the disagreements, and sometimes at the end of them, we still disagreed. We were logical. We were illogical. We laughed. We might have cried, but I didn't have the energy for it right then. We looked at best case scenarios. We looked at worst case scenarios. We talked about the pros and cons. We talked about our convictions and the concerns that butted against them.

At the end, I was even more exhausted, but so very at-peace. I was at peace because even though not one thing in our little world might go the way we envisioned it in that conversation, we know we are in the same camp. I've got him and he's got me.

Such freedom in that kind of unity. Freedom I always dreamed of having but had been sternly warned {by married couples of all ages} not to expect.

I've had a lot of relationships {both friendships and dating relationships} where communication was not great. Where I didn't feel safe to honestly say my thoughts. Where hours were spent more in silence than the onslaught of words. And I know from those relationships, that to take what doesn't exist...to take what has fallen apart...and to put it back together into something good is not easy. It's nauseating. Daunting. Unappealing on more levels than any of us can count.

I also know it is possible. I had a roommate once that started out as a great friend. We laughed and chatted and loved hanging out together. I was her person and she was mine. And then things got rocky. I think it happened before we noticed, and by the time we did, it was too awkward to repair. And had it not been for her, we probably would have parted ways without speaking and never fixed the problem. But she came to me and said what we were doing wasn't good or right or healthy, and we needed to find a way to fix it. And we did.

And I'm so glad, because that roommate was my friend Angela. The one who died of cancer a year and a day before I got married. The one whose life I honored by keeping my promise to make her a bridesmaid even after her death. I'm glad I don't have from now until forever to spend wishing I'd talked to her. I'm glad she took the first step to repairing the damage we both created.

Because of what she taught me, I'm determined to not stop talking to Ryan. I'm determined - we are determined - to make this communication thing a priority. To talk when we're crazy happy and dreams are tumbling over each other and to talk when we're crazy confused and we just talk in circles without arriving at any solution. At least we're hand-in-hand in our circles.

I'm grateful. Grateful he makes it a priority too and grateful for the chance to have a relationship based in open, safe communication.

For those of you who are married {and still wanting to chuck something at me because you haven't been able to live this kind of communication yet}...I hope, hope, hope the two of you can climb out of the silence and into the land of freedom to speak and still be loved. And for those of you who aren't married yet, can I urge you to make this a huge priority when you do find the forever relationship? Can I plead with you to make talking the safest place?

As for now, it appears I have to be done because someone else has taken my spot on the therapist's couch....and she seems a bit clammed up.