Hope

I spent most of today working on a project (more on that another day) that took me on a trip through the past ten years...via my journals.

I'm exhausted.

Who knew that reading...actually skimming...could wear on a person so!

I found myself hurrying through parts, because I really didn't want to even think about those moments again. I laughed hysterically at other parts...the parts that were "true Bekah."

But as I told someone this evening - I'm so glad I'm here, rather than there. I was pretty hopeless back then, and I couldn't even see it. I clung so tightly to my little world. Tried to force it in the direction I just knew it should go. And nothing seemed to work right.

I'm still probably on the "high strung" list, but I've mellowed. I think so many years of things not going my way have pushed me to just not insist on having such a scripted way. Make a plan. Know that in all likelihood, it will change. Allow a few moments to work through the alteration. Embrace what really happens. And write about it because it's probably funny.

I don't have one ounce more of an idea of where my life is headed than I did on January 23, 2000. But I sure do have a lot more hope.