Bits for Sunday, June 8

I listen to the radio when I’m at work – Christian music station. I’m sure it will not shock you to know that without the radio station man behind the controls, I’d spend my day listening to David Phelps over and over and over…and then I’d start singing duets with him, and that would be no good for anyone in the office.

Anyway, one of the artists that my station plays is Mandisa. As in the former American Idol contestant. I was skeptical when they played her first single, because I didn’t care for it at all. But the second and third ones have been so beautiful…definitely worth the wait. One of these newer songs is called God Speaking. Part of the lyrics say “Who knows how He’ll get ahold of us? Get our attention to prove He is enough? He’ll do and He’ll use whatever He wants to, to tell us I love you.”

And God definitely uses methods that I’m sure are rather unconventional to get my attention…one of them being TV shows. I realize it is probably questionable to say that reality TV could be a method, but truly, I’ve had some of my biggest breakthrough moments from random things people have said on TV.

Last night I was journaling, and I turned on TV Land to see if they were playing Andy Griffith. (Yes, I’m old before my time in TV show choices.) He wasn’t on yet, but I was too busy writing to change the channel. They were playing She’s Got the Look which is yet another one of their attempts to give reality TV shows to the over forty crowd. This one is about women getting the chance to be a model after 35, when modeling careers tend to die.

It was the first show, and the judging panel sat before all the hopefuls, eliminating those who didn’t make the cut. One of the very last women to make it onto “the board” was a stunningly beautiful woman. (I wouldn’t have classified all of them as stunningly beautiful, but this one was in a league all her own.) The judges told her that they were unsure about keeping her because she was “too perfect.” During the first challenge (which I had missed), she would not allow herself to make a mistake. She couldn’t let a flaw show…she couldn’t be anything less than perfect, and they wanted her to allow imperfection into her life because if she didn’t, the women who saw her wouldn’t be able to relate.

As they gave her this advice, two giant tears rolled down her cheeks. They were right and she knew it.

I remember turning back to my computer, looking at the words I’d just journaled about how I felt like something seemed out of place. I couldn’t pinpoint it. I only knew that something wasn’t right.

And that’s when I felt the little nudge. It was no different than what I’ve been doing in my own heart lately. Please know that in saying this, I’m not saying I’m perfect. I’m well aware I am not. And I seem to be able to admit that to people, but I have a very difficult time admitting that to God.

I pray all the time. It’s a practice I learned very early on and whether or not I feel like it, I pray. But there are times I pray with more abandon than others. Perhaps even with more honesty. And then there are times I don’t say what I’m thinking – because I try to convince myself that if I don’t say it, it isn’t there. I don’t like to think about the questions and confusions. I don’t like to admit I have fears and disappointments.

It’s a crazy practice, I know. I mean, He’s God. He knows everything anyway. But for some reason, I find myself in these phases where if I say all the right things in my prayers – cover everyone else’s emergencies – ask for all the right things – maybe He won’t notice this giant pile of stuff that I’m hiding over in the corner. And maybe if I turn my back, I won’t notice the giant pile of stuff I’m hiding over in the corner.

And while those prayers that I’m so faithfully praying aren’t bad prayers…because I know they do accomplish a purpose…they aren’t accomplishing all they could, because they aren’t what they could be. Aren’t what they should be.

So after seeing that clip last night, I shut down the computer, went for the good old pen and paper journal, and started over. And this time I started uncovering the pile. I didn’t get through the whole thing by any means. But I dug up some of the imperfections and offered them over to God. It wasn’t really fun…but it felt strangely wonderful.

The Bible says “then you will know the truth and the truth will set you free.” The truth is largely buried in of piles in the corners of lots of hearts. And I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one who prefers to keep covering it up in the hope of looking “put together” to God. But there was a lot of freedom in unearthing the pile…in finding the truth.