Sunday, April 15, 2007

Last Sunday was Easter, and with Easter comes the great ordeal that girls face: shopping for the dress. The Easter dress is a significant purchase each spring…one that brings its share of annoyances and the thrill of success when the right dress is finally located. From the very first Easter, when an eight pound baby wears a dress whose frills weigh ten pounds…clear up into adulthood, the all important find of “the dress” spurs on a shopping extravaganza like no other.

Some people go on Easter egg hunts. I go on Easter dress hunts. My own hunt this year was one filled with frustration. For that reason, I’d like to share with you what I so lovingly call “The Great Easter Dress Hunt of 2007.”

1. Slim Pickins. I try valiantly to watch enough E! fashion shows and What Not to Wear to have a basic grasp on what is in and what is out. But somewhere I missed the memo that the dress is out. With the exception of one store (the store where I at long, long last made my purchase), the sum total of actual dress options at any given store did not exceed four dresses. I love a good set of separates…don’t get me wrong. But the Easter dress should be…a dress. I learned that had I been bigger, shorter, a junior, or a kid, my options of actual dresses would have increased by about 20%. But in the good old department where I shop – very few options.

2. Style. I understand that I’m not any sort of trend setter. And I have come to grips with my taste in clothing being roughly a season behind the going styles. But the styles of the few dresses I did find were borderline heinous. There were several that looked like they had come straight from wardrobe on I Love Lucy. I’m sorry to be a pain, but I do not want to wear to church a collared, belted dress that Lucy would have worn while doing laundry for Ricky and Little Ricky! Nor do I want to sport a dress with no waist (leaving me to look like a giant roll of printed toilet paper) or an empire waist (leaving me to explain that I’m really not pregnant).

3. Material. Again…I don’t mean to be difficult to get along with, but this clingy stuff has got to go. The spandex-esque shirts – and worse, the dresses! – hang to each and every roll and dimple. You know, I’m working on my weight (reducing it, that is) and I’m making significant progress. But never, ever in my life, short of one day having my own personal trainer, will I be in good enough shape to manage a dress that clings. I do not want to be the girl that sits in the second row of an Easter service and has 250 people behind her saying, “Does she know how that sticks to her?” YES, YES SHE KNOWS! BUT SHE COULDN’T FIND ANYTHING ELSE TO BUY!

4. Color. An Easter dress should be…springy. At least I think so. I like for my Easter dress to have lovely shades of pastels…pinks and lavenders and yellows. I like it to be gently subtle and soothing to the eye. Let me just tell you – such a dress does not exist this year. (Unless of course, I wanted to be any size other than the one I am.) This year it was HELLO red. HELLO brown. HELLO navy blue. HELLO black. Hello…can I have pastels? Why can’t they make that adorable 2T dress about 50 times bigger so I can squeeze into it?

5. Print. And while we’re at it, let’s talk about print. It’s spring…have I said that? Where are the flowers and wisps? The soft, soothing petals and posies of the season? This year it was all polka dots and paisleys and wild takes on strange chains. I didn’t particularly want to walk into church looking like I just crawled down from someone’s living room window or I recently departed a 1970’s couch!

6. Price. I am the world’s cheapest clothing shopper. Nothing makes me happier than a dress (still sporting the tags) for 75 cents at a yard sale. As a result, shopping in a normal store sends me into a bit of price shock. And of course, it would be too much to ask for me to gravitate toward the cheapest dress on the rack. No, no. If the prices range from $29.99 to $99.99, you can believe that every tag I turn over is going to be $99.99. One store I entered had a dress cute enough to make me overlook the print (polka dots) and the color (brown) – but once I grabbed the tag and saw $118 printed on it, I just turned on my heel and left the store. If I’m paying $118 for a dress, it had better be white and come with a groom at the other end of a long aisle.

7. Math. Shopping is supposed to be a soothing, relaxing event in my life. I want to walk into a store, find a dress, decide I like it, and look at the price…end of story. But no. Every single dress was a marathon math session in my head! Original price - $70. Take off 10% because it’s Easter. Take off another 8.5% because I’m shopping in this particular 2 hour window. There’s a $10 reduction at the register if I pick up the coupon directly beside the register, and another 15% off if I’ll just answer these five simple questions as part of a store-wide survey. AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! Just charge me the stupid forty bucks to begin with and forget all the brain strain!

So, after shopping in six stores and two cities over a period of three days, I finally settled on an Easter dress. It was a red and white sundress that met the only requirement I had left by that time: it zipped. I was so fed up with shopping that I would have been tempted to take out a second mortgage to pay for the stupid thing just to be done. It wasn’t my typical Easter dress, but it was…a dress.

Of course then there was a whole new set of problems:

1. Shoes. I didn’t own any red shoes. Time to go shoe shopping. This is hard for a girl like me who hates wedge heels and peek-a-boo toes…are there any other styles out there? I found one strappy red pair of heels at WalMart and bought them – without even trying them on. I willed them to fit.

2. Purse. I didn’t own a red purse. WalMart to the rescue again. Of course the purse isn’t big enough to hold all my junk, but it sure is cute!

3. Sweater. Did I mention it was something in the neighborhood of twenty below zero on Easter? And I was wearing a knee length sundress and strappy heels? (Okay so maybe that was a slight exaggeration on the temp – but not much.) For only five dollars less than I paid for the dress, I could have purchased a lovely white cardigan. Of course 90% of the time, I’m too hot, so when would I ever wear a cardigan again? I called up my friend Lynette. She has lots of clothes. I just knew she’d have something I could borrow. And she did.

So Easter was a success after all…even though I was exhausted by the time I was done shopping. I took an online survey for the store this week – and when they asked why I decided to make my purchase there, I clicked “other” and wrote in desperation.

Confessions of a Couch Potato

My friend Kristin (her link is over on the side) has a "Thursday Thirteen" post, which I find interesting. I'm learning things I didn't know! So far I haven't committed to divulging 13 new things about myself every week, but this week's topic was 13 TV shows I wouldn't miss.

The good news is, I don't have 13 shows I watch regularly every week. That makes me feel better, because I was worried that I never separated from my remote. It feels that way sometimes. But there are some shows I do watch every week, and others I watch if I can. And there are some I would watch if I could, but I'm not home. And I don't have time to watch recordings. (CLARIFICATION - I in no way mean to insinuate that Kristin or anyone else who has 13 regular shows IS a couch potato. Not my intention at all!!!)

So here is my list of shows and reasons.

1. American Idol. Obviously you know I watch this one since I post about it all the time. I've watched every season except the first one. I got hooked on humorous auditions and then was too sucked in to quit. I don't vote, and with the exception of Clay Aiken, I've never bought any of the idols' music - but I wouldn't miss the show!

2. Grey's Anatomy. I got hooked on this show the minute it hit the air. My mother isn't thrilled that I watch this one - she can garner from the previews that it doesn't have the best morals. But the writing on this show is amazing - sometimes I watch it as much for that as for anything else. And I will readily admit I'm a McDreamy fan to the very end.

3. Desperate Housewives. I know, I know - all the killing and the adultery - it's a 10 commandments breaker. But the writers come up with some of the best zingers! And though it gets a little far-fetched at times, it's a good source of comic relief. Watch it every week!

4. Notes from the Underbelly. This show just started last night, so who knows how long it will stay on the air. But I have to say, I was cracking up...finally! A show that will say out loud the perspective of a single woman who is losing her friends to a world of strollers and goo-goo-ga-ga talk. I would never say out loud half of what that lady said to her friends' faces, but I've sure thought it!

5. Life Today. Okay I know this one is a switch from the soapy dramas. Life Today, if you've not heard of it, is kind of a Christian talk show. It's hosted by James and Betty Robison, and they have authors and singers on the show. And every Wednesday, Beth Moore teaches a group of ladies. I never miss Wednesdays. Beth is an amazing Bible teacher. Love listening to her.

6. Extreme Makeover Home Edition. I don't catch this one every week - mostly because you can miss a week and not "miss anything" since one week doesn't depend on the one before. But if I need a good cry, I make sure to catch it. I love the reveals and typically bawl all the way through them.

7. Dharma and Greg. I never watched this show when it was on originally, but I try not to miss it in syndication. I think I've seen almost all of them now. The actors on that show did such a great job of bringing those characters to life - and there was a great screen chemistry. (Although I did hear that at the end of the run, personality conflicts did the show in. But they kept it together on stage!) Dharma cracks me up and Greg....well...refer to the McDreamy comment.

8. 3's Company. This is the show I watch while I fall asleep. Not that it's a bad show...but it's just what's on while I am winding down. I love the humor on the show, and I love Jack! In fact, for a while after John Ritter died, I couldn't watch this show because it made me cry.

9. House Hunters. I don't watch this daily, but if I can, I catch it. I LOVE looking at houses, and this is an easy way to do it. I also try to figure out which house the family chose before they reveal the answer. The host of the show gets on my nerves, but seeing all the fun rooms in the houses more than makes up for her.

10. 30 Minute Meals. This is a show that I can't figure out why I watch. I don't care for Rachael Ray - too perky. I never make any of her recipes because I don't own half the stuff. But for some reason, I watch this show almost every night. I've learned a lot of things about food from her too!

11. CSI. I don't watch the new shows, but I do frequently catch a show in syndication. It fascinates me how they figure things out. I'm not really smart in that sort of stuff, so it fascinates me. As does Nick.....

12. Ellen. Another one my Mom doesn't approve of. I don't ever watch Ellen anymore because Oxygen doesn't run it at night and I'm not home when it's on regular TV. I don't approve of her lifestyle, but I do have to say she is one of the best talk show hosts ever. She's funny and switches things up all the time. Loved watching her!

13. Mad About You. This one is never on when I'm home either, but I always thought this was one of the best representations of life and marriage ever. Helen Hunt and Paul Reiser had incredible on screen chemistry. I'd like to own this one on DVD sometime. It's that worth it.

And THAT is How it's Done

FINALLY.

Justice is served. Jessica came over to watch American Idol with me last night and we had some serious cheering going on when the final results were announced. Braeya had been asleep in Jessica's lap and I think we scared her when the screaming began.

I was thrilled to see that Haley wore actual clothes last night and I was excited that Phil and Chris got a chance to stay one more week. (I was also thrilled that my bottom 3 prediction was right for the first time ever!)

I found Haley's commentary on her clothing choice interesting...glad to know she doesn't find it inappropriate.

Now I can sit back and enjoy the rest of the competition.

Not My Favorite Music

Well after loving last week's Idol music, this week's didn't really do much for me. My favorite part of the night was listening to what Jennifer Lopez had to say to them...and wondering who her favorite is. Wish she would tell!

* Melinda. I agreed with the judges that it wasn't her personal best night. However, contrary to her own opinion of herself, I think she did a great job delivering the song and it was very smooth. I loved her dress. I thought it really looked classy on her. And even when taking the criticism from Simon, she was graceful!

* Lakisha. The song was fun, although I felt like she was rushing to keep up with it. I hated her dress. I thought it wasn't flattering at all. But I still thought she did a good job. I thought she raised her game from last week.

* Chris. I didn't see any of his performance. I only heard it from the other room. I wore my strappy heels ALL DAY at work yesterday and by the time I got home, I was ready to amputate my feet. Then I had to mow and walk a couple miles, so by the time Chris got around to singing, I was only interested in warm water for my lil feet. So I was getting that ready while he sang. But from what I heard, it was just okay. I think he'll be in the bottom 3 this week - unless his girl fans kicked up the votes.

* Haley. THANK YOU HALEY for wearing a shirt. That was a blessing. The shorts - well - Simon was right. She's surviving on looks. I am pretty sure Diana Degarmo sang that same song a couple years ago, and as not great as Diana was, she did a better job than Haley! I couldn't understand her - it seemed like she was running out of breath - probably from trying to sing and wiggle around at the same time. But I wasn't so annoyed with her this week because at least she wore a shirt and at least she didn't smirk and roll her eyes at the judges. I would put her in the bottom 3 too.

* Phil. Though I am still a Phil fan, that was my least favorite performance from him - not helped at all by cracks at the end. He'll probably show up in the bottom 3 again.

* Jordin - I hated her outfit again this week. I didn't think it helped her. But although I hate the song she sang, I actually enjoyed her version of it and thought she sounded really good. She should stay around.

* Blake - my pick for best of the night. He did a SUPER job on that song and he is a good subtle entertainer. He deserves to be in the finals.

* Sanjaya - Once again, I thought he wasn't bad. I thought this was his best performance to date and I actually kind of enjoyed it. He's still not one of my favorites overall, but he's showing much improvement over the others!

Easter

My camera was nearly my undoing today. Apparently some settings could be more appropriately...set...and so many of my Easter pictures turned out blurry. ICK! But here are some that weren't bad.

Me...and the Easter dress that nearly cost me my sanity. I have cute red strappy sandals too but of course they're cut out...

Mom - who wore Easter selection number two after the weather turned sour. Where is her sense of temperature adventure? Well, at any rate the flowers she salvaged from the yard made it spring in the house!

Dad - who mostly wanted to get back to dessert...

Easter Sunday, April 8, 2007

This past Monday, our Ladies’ Bible Study talked a little bit about grace. It was all part of last chapter in the book we were studying, but it caused me to look up the word in the dictionary just to see what it really means. Among the definitions, I found the following: a sense of what is fitting…favor…unconstrained and undeserved divine favor or goodwill.

And this week I received a little taste of grace. So much grace, in fact, that I had to shake my head just a bit.

Most of you know that I was in the Marion Easter Pageant for 23 years. A couple of weeks ago I wrote about how much I miss it and the completion it brought to my Easter season each year. Well, I had seen an advertisement that this past Wednesday, there would be an “Easter Pageant Sing” at a church in town. There would be a choir and orchestra playing the music of the pageant. So I made mental plans to attend.

Wednesday was a disastrous day…one of those days when nothing goes as planned, including the thirty degree weather two days after summer-like temps teased us. I couldn’t get out of work on time, I had many errands to run, and every imaginable setback seemed to hit me. I had a coupon for Fashion Bug that expired that day and I was determined to use it, no matter what. So as I scoured the store for a suitable Easter dress (more on that next week), I watched the hands on the clock scoot closer to seven – which was when the music was scheduled to start.

I dashed out to my car shortly after 6:45 and almost went straight home. I was tired, cold, and hungry, and by this time, I just knew the church would be packed. Besides, I was alone, and I hate going to things alone. But yet I felt nudged to at least drive by the church. Just to see. So I pointed my car in the direction of the church and started driving. As I pulled up alongside the building, I could see the parking lot was completely full and the side streets were starting to fill. It wasn’t the best part of town – and did I mention it was cold? I started to just zoom on past and head home when I saw the nose of a police car just two blocks ahead. Well if I have to take my pick between cops and cold, I’ll take the cold. I made a quick turn into the parking lot – to avoid the cop if nothing else. Just as I pulled in, the car in the second parking space left.

By this time, I was getting the distinct impression that God wanted me at this thing. So I parked, went in, and found dozens of empty seats. Apparently the cars were all the choir and orchestra people. I found a nice aisle seat near the back and settled in to listen to the music. Much to my delight, they not only had music, but they had a video of the Pageant as well! It seemed to me that I’d remembered talk of a taping years ago, so I searched the screen for a short version of myself. Couldn’t find me. Then I saw myself – but I was all grown up! When had they done a taping since I’d been an adult?

As the music played on, though, I realized just how significant this was about to be for me. In this taping, I was playing the one part that had a monumental impact on my spiritual life. Here it is as I wrote it a few years ago:

I chose a new part in the pageant. I wanted a change of scenery, and the part needed filled, so I took it…Really, the part wasn’t much different from my old part. Wander around…fill empty spots…make sure you don’t get in anyone’s way. But there was that one tiny part that was a spotlight of sorts. I was to sit on a bench with the little boy who played my son, and watch the man who played Jesus walk through the crowd and greet people. As he came closer to me, the disciples were to gather around him, drape a royal purple robe around his shoulders and bow to him, signifying that he was the “king.” The man who played Jesus was to look at the robe, shake his head, remove the robe, turn, place it around my (and my son’s) shoulders and make a gesture that said something to the effect of “honor the poor and needy…not me.” And then the pageant was to go on, and I was back to spot-filling.

During the first performance, when everyone was in costume for the first time, that little one minute part became one of the most significant moments of my spiritual life. I was overacting a little, trying to be as “into” my part as I could be. I leaned forward on the bench, trying to see everything, and then when the disciples put the robe around his shoulders, I found myself looking down to the ground. Not because the spotlight was too bright in my eyes, but because I realized that I felt in the way by being that close to such an important group of people and an important moment. Then I realized he was removing the robe and I saw it swing around my shoulders. I looked up and made eye contact with him for one moment…just long enough to see a slight smile from him, and then his gesture, which said to me, “Look at her. I know all about her. I know why she’s looking at the floor…why she doesn’t feel important enough or worthy enough to be a part of this moment. But I am choosing her. I love her. She is worth not only enough for me to give her this symbol of royalty, but enough for me to keep right on walking, even when I know that when I get to the end of this road, there will be a cross waiting there for me, and I will have to die on it. But I will do that…for her.”

I can’t prove it without hauling out all the journals (and frankly I’m much too tired) but I am fairly certain that the performance on the screen that night was this very performance. I had tears in my eyes just watching it and remembering how God met me there on the bench by the well. I even muttered under my breath, “I wish I could buy this taping!”

At the end of the music, they announced that DVDs and CDs of the performance were for sale. Don’t you know I was the first one in line!

I watched the Pageant a couple of times this weekend. I even stopped and watched that part in slow motion – just to see the look as my eyes met His and His heart met mine.

Wednesday night went from being a night of disaster to a night of grace. A night when God sensed what was fitting and sent unconstrained favor my way – from planting a cop to force me into the parking lot, to clearing a space for me, to leaving an aisle seat in the back just for me. I can imagine that up in Heaven, He had a huge smile as He sat back and waited for me to realize that the night I’ve remembered so clearly was actually captured on film and I could have my own copy. God knows that little things like that make me happy. What a great Easter gift!

Let There Be Light!

There are some parts of adulthood that are just not my favorite. Among them - home repairs. I will decorate all day long. In fact, I have decorated every room in the house - some twice. I'm forever adding new pictures or changing the paint color or moving the furniture or adding curtains. That I can do. Actual repairs...not so much.

Last fall - I don't even know when, but an embarrassingly long time ago, my kitchen light went on the fritz. It was the oldest light fixture in the history of light. The round fluorescent bulbs. I thought the bulbs were bad, so I bought new ones - which was just shy of a $20 adventure - RIDICULOUS. That worked for a while and then even that didn't work all the time.

Shortly after that, my bathroom light went nuts. After cooking and applying makeup (in their respective rooms, you understand) by the twinkle of Christmas lights for two or three months, I finally called an electrician. He came and did what he could for both lights, but even he was mystified about why the lights wouldn't work consistently.

So, finally, a couple electrician-hunting disasters later, I found someone to look at the lights. Today I became the proud owner of two brand new FUNCTIONING light fixtures. I bought the units around the holidays. They've been riding in the trunk of my car ever since. But now they're up and running!

Now I get to tackle the carpet on the stairs...and the roof on the awning...

The bathroom before. Really, I did have a light fixture up, but after the first electrician came, he left it like this so it would be ready for the next guy. It really added to the decor.

The bathroom light - after. So weird to actually SEE my face in the mirror!

I have no words to describe....

No more cooking by flashlight! (It's the only way to tell when the pork chops are REALLY done.)

Prayer Ponderings - Inspired by Brandon

Last Sunday I posted about prayer, and Brandon (my friend from high school...he and his wife are expecting their first baby in a couple of weeks, and I'm so excited for them!) responded with some good questions. I spent a few minutes this morning responding to him down in the original post, only to have Blogger eat my response. ICK.

So I thought I would pose his questions up here - and see if anyone else has thoughts on these ponderments (a Bekah word) too.

Do our prayers alter God's involvement or direction in the future? If so, does this lend itself to an idea that God has a somewhat limited knowledge of the future (still by His choice)? If not, is prayer more about aligning ourself with the heart of God ... rather than about what we pray about? How is our prayer-life impacted by our internalized view of our parents? Is prayer bigger than our concept (kneeling, eyes-closed) and better captured by a lifestyle?

My response was centered around the first two questions/thoughts. Let me start by saying I am NOT a theologian and do not claim to be. My Dad corners the market on theology in our family, and I am perfectly happy to let him have it. I'm not smart enough to argue the finer points...and that is fine.

But my thought is that prayer can alter God's involvement or direction in the future. I say that because the Bible talks about Abraham's pleas to God to spare Sodom and Gommorah - and after several pieces of conversation between God and Abraham, God was willing to spare the righteous in the city. And just this week I was reading in Isaiah about the life of Hezekiah. God told him to put his house in order because he was soon to die, and he begged God for more time. God heard his cries and saw his tears and granted him another fifteen years of life. I believe that God's infinite knowledge and wisdom allowed him to know that all of that was going to happen (this is where theology kicks in and Bekah kicks out) but the core of me trusts that God is so moved by compassion for His children that He is sometimes willing to change His original course.

That's just my quick answer...with more time, I could come up with more opinion, I'm sure. The rest of it, I'm going to have to think about. But if you have any thoughts of your own - pitch them in!

No Words...Again

How does she manage to scrape by as the next to the lowest EVERY WEEK? I don't understand. I am very sad that Gina is gone. I really liked her. At least I was glad to see the top three is as it should be.

My friend Jessica says she's done because Haley didn't go home.

See, I shoulda quit when she made the top twelve. I'm too hooked now to quit.

That's More Like It

I'm not sure if I enjoyed American Idol more tonight because the genre of music was more appealing to me...or rather because I wasn't dying on the elliptical while I watched. It's a toss-up. Either way, I much preferred this week's music to last. My thoughts (and apologies in advance to Phats, as usual)...

1. Blake - I thought he was very classy tonight - both in his clothing choice and his song presentation. I really like Blake and still think he is far and away the best the of the guys. Good job, Blake.

2. Chris - I wasn't raving inside as much as the judges were over his song, but I just love Chris. He's such a cutie! I do think he had one of his personal best nights ever, though.

3. Melinda - ONCE AGAIN, I cried. Why does she always make me cry? I hated the dress - I didn't think it was very flattering to her, but she nailed that song. WOW. I was thrilled for her that the judges can't find anything to criticize. I still think she should win the entire competition. She is classy, fun, and that beautiful spirit in her should be shared with the world.

4. Phil - I thought he did better than the judges gave him credit for...I knew he was singing that song to his wife. That's dangerous though because she's just one vote (or a small handful at any rate) compared to America. I love Phil and want to see him go on, but I'm worried that he's in trouble this week.

5. Jordin - She really is a joy magnet. They nailed that one. I loved her outfit way more than last week - and I thought she did a good job. I don't think it was her best ever, but she still did great.

6. Gina - She looked STUNNING this week. I was so proud of her for stepping aside from her rocker image (though I love Rocker Gina) and showing that she has another side to her...and proving that very well. Some people try to show another side and only end up showing that they don't have another side. Good job, Gina.

7. Sanjaya - Oh Sanjaya. Actually, in looks and sound, I thought this was probably his best week yet. I was glad he toned it down from the ponyhawk. His quirky ability to entertain will probably carry him through another week...in a very strange way, I like him, but he's just not in the league of the others.

8. Haley - Haley, Haley, Haley. Eh, her song was okay, she looked "good" (that was thrown in just for Phats), but I have to say that I really didn't feel sorry for her when it came time for the judges' comments. What were they supposed to say? When you dress to garner attention, then you can't be mad when all you get is an "I like your legs." He probably didn't even hear the song. She is pretty, she is not a bad singer, and I wish she'd just forget about skimpy clothes and wiggling all around the stage and SING to show us what she can do.

9. Lakisha - I liked her song better this week than last. I still think she's not raised her game quite as much as Melinda. In my book, the gap between them is widening. But all in all, I think she did a good job. Her dress was very pretty, I thought.

My bottom 3 - boy that's a tough one. I'm going to go with Chris, Phil, and Haley. I'm going to guess that Phil gets the boot this week.

PB&J Day

Happy PJ&J Day!

At our church, that stands for Pastor Brian and Jaye. However, as much as they deserve a day in their honor, I don't think that is what today is about.

I found here an article that dishes all the good stuff about how Americans prefer their PB&J. I wasn't included in the original survey (why not??) but would love to offer my own PB&J preferences to you. It may also become my dinner of choice this evening because I will have to eat on my way to Bible study and it's just hard to have a sloppy joe in the car.

My perfect PB&J is a layer of crunchy peanut butter (amazingly enough, I don't care which brand) and a layer of my Mom's homemade strawberry jelly - on white bread. I want both layers on both slices, by the way. I eat the sandwich whole - well, I mean I take bites, but I don't cut the sandwich. I do eat the crust, although I tend to eat all the sides first to get the crust out of the way and get to the good stuff.

What's your perfect sandwich?

Sunday, April 1, 2007

Today, I’m afraid, is more of a rambling than an insight. Today I’m thinking out loud to you. Today you get to know how my journal feels. It might make you feel sorry for it by the end.

I’ve been thinking a lot about prayer lately. Maybe that is because one of the covenants I made with God this year was to pray for people as I’m prompted to do so. Maybe it’s just because I have a lot to say to God. I’m not sure.

My parents raised me to pray. As long as I can remember, we had family devotions every night before bedtime. Devotions always ended with prayer. The on-your-knees kind of prayer. Kids, I’ve decided, make that into a game time. At least this kid did. I would put the top of my head on the floor and wait to get dizzy. I would peek (don’t tell) and get a view of the living room from the perspective of the carpet. I would plant my forehead on the floor and scoot my knees around from left to right and see how many times I could do that without Mom and Dad noticing that I wasn’t being still. I’m sure they’ll write back and tell me they knew about all my tricks. I didn’t quite understand why we had to get on our knees and pray…I just knew that we did it.

Then there was the prayer itself. When I was really little, there was a massive exodus of old men in our church. One by one they died – and my job was to try to remember to remove them from my prayer list after they had died. More than once, I prayed for a dead man and then said “OOPS!” right in the middle of my prayer. So finally I concocted the generic prayer. It went like this. Ahem: “DearJesusthankyouforthisdaythankyouforhelpingusineverythingwedid-andhelpustomorrowinallthatwedoinJesusnameamen.” Every night I would try to beat my speed record in delivering that prayer. Mom would say “I can’t understand you.” I would say, “It’s okay. I was talking to God.” If I were my kid, I’d have smacked me. Mom was much more gracious.

Then I grew up. I made the executive decision to stop kneeling to pray. It wasn’t out of disrespect to God or my parents. I just didn’t like kneeling. I got distracted on my knees. Even as an over-twenty-year-old, I would find myself peeking around the room, letting the blood rush to my head, and swiveling from one side to the other. Maybe I didn’t grow up.

I also started writing my prayers. It only seemed logical since I’m a writer. I even went back and pulled out excerpts of prayers sometimes to use in things I wrote for others. Hope God doesn’t mind if others eavesdrop on our conversations.

But lately I’ve been rethinking that whole kneeling thing. It started with something I read on a blog that made me wonder if God might just appreciate an extra show of reverence. It made me wonder if I would take things more seriously if I developed a specific posture of prayer.

So I’ve tried it a few times. Here’s what I’ve learned. To get out of bed and kneel to pray first thing in the morning leads to falling asleep. To pray on my knees at my bed while the cats are taking a nap leads to my hair getting batted around when they wake up and find me there and my hair up for grabs. To pray on my knees makes me aware that the ONE skinny place on my whole body is the kneecap. BOY, hardwood floors hurt. If I pray on my knees and I don’t pray out loud, I revert to the peeking and swiveling from days of yore.

About the time I started experimenting with this, God called me to pray very specifically for two people. They are in two very different places of life and in need of very different things. But yet my job, I am told, is to pray. Passionately.

Hard to pray passionately when you don’t exactly know what to pray for. So I prayed about that. How do I pray when I don’t know the need? God suggested that I pray Scripture over them. In fact, since God knows how I love lists, He suggested that I come up with 26 Scriptures – one for each letter of the alphabet – and pray that. I loved it. Spent a whole day with a scrap paper folded up in my pocket, ready to add a new verse as I thought of it. I couldn’t wait to start looking up the verses, reading them in context, and applying them to my subjects.

Learned something. What is good for others is good for me. I’m not even to D yet and God has already shown me a whole host of things I get to work on in my own life. I thought this was supposed to be about other people! Guess I get to multi-task.

But when I pray for these two – I alternate between my knees to show my pleading and petition and pacing to keep me focused on my Scripture verses. I focus well when I pace.

So that’s where I am in prayer-land. Haven’t really decided anything. Still experimenting. Still learning. But whether I’m on my knees, sitting, or pacing, the important thing is that I pray.

Nature of the Beast

I'm a writer. This is what I do. This is what I've done ever since I was a fifth grader and wrote a story about Annie the Angel in Mrs. Bryan's fifth grade classroom. This is what I majored in during college. And this is what I do with most of my spare time.

I love to write because it's the only time that I feel completely uninhibited. Some of the missing inhibition has to stay under wraps because it would not be appropriate to share outside the confines of my computer screen or journal page...but to at least get it out of the confines of my brain is freeing. I love to write because it's something I'm passionate about that most of my close friends aren't, so it gives me a chance to have something unique to contribute to life and relationships. I love to write because it's how I communicate. It's how my thoughts flow best and the only way I can speak without stumbling when I am sharing the raw place of my heart.

But lately, writing has been tough. I haven't liked it. I haven't done it in excess. Here, or in my journal, or on my computer at home. Because...I'm scared of it.

I wrote an e-mail a couple of weeks ago and received a response that attacked my ability to communicate. My reader completely misinterpreted my intended tone, but in the response, my confidence in my communication skill suffered a wound that has yet to heal.

Hysterical, I was told, best described me in the moments following the receipt of that e-mail response. I cried until I had chest pains. I couldn't breathe, and I lost all my water-proof mascara. And now I'm scared to write anything at all. Scared to use exclamation points because I might use them inappropriately. Scared to try to sound positive because it might be interpreted as sarcasm.

I'm just scared.

Such is the life of a writer, though. Writers get rejection letters. I kept my first one to remind me that not everything I write is publication-worthy. Writers get hostile responses to subjects they'd written about very passionately. My first blog comment was a blast about how horrible I am to declaw my cat. I kept it to remind me that there are those who don't agree with my opinions. And sometimes writers are misinterpreted. I still have that email in my inbox where I can see it every day. Someday I'll take it out because at that point, it will only serve to hurt me and I don't want to hurt forever. But for now it reminds me to choose my words - and my punctuation marks - carefully. And it reminds me to remember that a misinterpretation on the part of my reader doesn't necessarily mean a cruel intention on the part of the writer.

Now that I've made my admission, I'll work on posting something besides my opinion of American Idol and my normal Sunday post...

So Close...and Yet So Far

I was thrilled to see Haley in the bottom 3 - NOT thrilled to see Phil there again. And not surprised to see Chris S. in the bottom 3. I will not argue that Chris S. deserved to go home - it was a fair cut. Even so, I had SO hoped it would be Haley this week. But we're closer. This is a step. Maybe next week?

And I think Ryan should leave the ponyhawk to Sanjaya. It was funny, though.

Elliptical Idol

I ended up exercising DURING American Idol last night which severely challenged my ability to hear or comprehend what was happening. Pretty much, when I exercise, the goal is to keep breathing and stay ON the machine. Therefore, my responses are in no particular order.

1. Lakisha - It was good, but really not my favorite of hers.

2. Phil - Not sure I liked the song, but also not sure I could focus on anything but the Ace/Constantine eyes. I love Phil.

3. Gina - HATED the outfit. Really hated it. But I liked the song and I thought she did it well - I agree with the judgnes that it was her best performance yet.

4. Melinda - As usual, I loved her. I loved the flippy hair too. And though it pains me to do so, I'll have to agree with Simon on the outfit.

5. Haley - Speaking of outfits - at least she was wearing one this week. And I almost liked it. Wasn't crazy about the song...just relieved she was wearing something.

6. Blake - I REALLY liked his song and his look this week. Finally, pants I liked! :) They're right - he's the best guy.

7. Chris S. - He's starting to slip in my book. I don't remember a thing about his song, so apparently it did not make an impression.

8. Chris R. - I love Chris R., but I'm worried for him because his voice just isn't up to par with everyone else. But I want him to stay!

9. Jordin - I absolutely hated her outfit - way too bulky. But I loved her song and her spunk. She is so stinking cute and energetic when she sings!

10. Of course...Sanajaya saved until last. I have no idea what he sang or how he did because I was too busy staring at the ponyhawk. WHAT was that??? Good GRIEF. I have no words.

All in all I thought it was a pretty boring week. Maybe that was just because I didn't know any of the music and I couldn't hear it very well above my own fight to stay alive. Or maybe it was just a bad week? Or maybe it was Fashion Idol? I don't know.

Sunday, March 25, 2007

Last week I told you the first five things on my newest top ten list: moments I wish I could relive and why. Here is the conclusion to my list.

6. Liam’s Birth. Most of you know that I’ve attended three childbirths in my life. Live and in person. All three babies were from the same set of parents. By the time I got to number three, I considered myself an expert in how the Mama labored: forever. I got the call for baby number three about four in the morning and given that the first two labors lasted over twenty hours each, I took my sweet time. I did my hair…called in to work…changed my voicemail…fired up the computer…changed my out-of-office auto-reply…and stopped at the gas station for coffee and snacks, because the one thing a laboring Mama did not need was a hungry, grouchy ice-chip-feeder. When I sauntered in the door of the hospital room, I found the Mama surrounded by nurses – about ready to push. After picking my jaw up off the floor, I flew into high speed – grabbing cameras and the video camera. Less than 20 minutes later, Liam was born. I remember nothing about his birth except that it was chaotic. If I had a chance to do that one over, I would have hurried and been able to pay better attention. (Don’t tell his Mom. She, I’m sure, does not want a redo.)

7. The Summer of Swimming. This is one of those carefree, childhood moments that I didn’t appreciate at the time, but I would love to go back and have an attitude of appreciation about now. I grew up out in the country, so there weren’t neighborhood kids to play with like kids in town sometimes have. But when I was in middle elementary school, a family bought the house “next door” (an acre or so away from ours) and they had a son my age. They also had a daughter about three years younger. Their daughter and I, despite our age differences, ended up becoming good friends, and we’d get together in the evenings to play with Barbies or talk about New Kids on the Block (her obsession, not mine) or play house. But one summer, they bought a pool. An above ground, round pool that was all one depth. But still – a pool! That summer, my routine became this: get up, eat breakfast, put on my bathing suit, wait for the call of invitation, go next door, swim all morning, come home for lunch, eat as fast as I could, go back, swim all afternoon, eat an orange push-up for a snack, and come home in time for dinner. It was the only summer I was tan and skinny in my whole childhood. But I loved it! Playing Marco Polo, splashing water, and even running home at high rates of speed through the weedy and no doubt animal-infested vacant lot between our houses…it’s a sweet memory now.

8. First Flight. This past September, I flew for the first time. I was beyond nervous and about threw up when my bag got searched in security. Just as an item of information: if you try to fly with a post-bound scrapbook, the posts apparently look like weapons on the x-ray. On top of that, I was sick with a nasty head cold and so nervous about crashing that I about passed out altogether. I tried valiantly to enjoy every moment of the day, because I knew I’d only have one first flight. But I would love to go back and relive that day – and if I could be so bold as to extend my wish, I’d ask to not be sick this time. I sat by the window but was too chicken to watch the takeoff. We were nearly to descent before I was brave enough to do more than glance out that way. After the flight, my Mom told the attendant that it was my first flight and he gave me a certificate and wings and let me meet the pilot and co-pilot. I completely spaced (cold meds, I’m sure) asking to have my picture taken with them. My one regret. But it was a great day and I would do it over if I could.

9. First Day in the Prayer Chapel. Last April, I finally gave in and obeyed a command God had issued about six months earlier. I walked to the prayer chapel just a few yards from my office and spent a lunch hour in prayer. I had no idea what God had planned, but that day He spoke to me in everything from the floor tile to the pool of colors in the stained glass window shadows to the metal sculpture of Jesus praying in the garden. And when I left the chapel that day, the sidewalk was littered with white petals from whatever kind of trees line the yard of the chapel. It was an exclamation point of something God had said to me – wouldn’t have made a bit of sense to anyone else – but it made me giggle. It also made me wonder why I had waited so long to obey a very simple command. And though I go to the chapel every week now, that first day still holds a really special place in my heart.

10. The Day I Became A Girlfriend. This one seems silly, and I almost took it out, especially considering my college boyfriend and I broke up just a few months after we started dating. But that was the first – and only, actually – time I’ve ever officially carried the title “girlfriend.” I was giddy and ridiculously giggly – calling all my friends, and my mother, of course, to tell them the news I’d waited almost twenty-one years of my life to tell. I couldn’t believe he was actually willing to take that step to consider our story an exclusive relationship. If I’d been able to hold the pen still enough to write, I’d have carried my journal with me all evening and captured every second. As it was, I’m not sure I was coherent enough to write much of anything except EEEEEEE!!!!! when journaling time came that evening. It was a special day, and despite the pain that came with breaking up later, I would relive it just to remember that unique joy. And next time it happens, maybe I will carry the journal just for that day.

So that's my list! And for now, I try to savor every moment as it comes, because no matter how hard you wish, you can't ever redo even one of them.

Movie Night

A couple of weeks ago, we had a movie night at our church. I was in charge of setting up the movie and making the popcorn. I'd never attempted to run the movie projector, nor had I run the popcorn machine. Pastor Brian was so nice as to write out a very detailed list of instructions for both. He even left sticky notes all over the projector so I could find the right buttons.

And I managed to make a whole batch of popcorn without burning myself!

Happy National Goof-Off Day

I see our system at work is helping us out with this. It crashed first thing this morning. SO hard to get things done without it! I've given it my best effort.

Thankfully we have a party this afternoon - that should help pass some time.

I think I really like this holiday and it should be observed as a paid holiday. What would I do on National Goof-Off day if I had the day off?

1. Sleep in.

2. Read.

3. Watch TV.

4. Eat cookies. (Well maybe not. I don't have any and to make them would violate the spirit of the day.)

5. Watch to see how it is that Braeya actually accomplished putting UP the blinds yesterday. Maybe she'll do it again for me.

Speaking of Braeya - cats observe this day every day. So maybe what I'd actually do is follow her and her brother around all day to see what THEY do on a daily basis.

Then again - I may not want to know.

Go Figure

Well I worried that she was going to get into some trouble by not being extraordinary. But I was still surprised to see Chris R. and Stephanie in that bottom two last night. And Stephanie had no business going home before some of those others. Ridiculous.

Still, my fave-favorites are in, so I think I'm okay with it.

And in the meantime, I'll proceed to keep one eye on the sky - why does it look like 8:30 p.m. instead of 8:30 a.m.?

Can We Just Skip to the Top Five?

After last night's American Idol show, I've decided I only like a couple of people, so let's just skip to the end and have the finale! Here are my thoughts...Phats, I'll just apologize in advance because I know you and I are going to disagree on Haley.

1. Haley - I liked the outfit better than last week in that this one actually looked like clothing as opposed to whatever last week's disaster was. But it makes me really sad that she is the only girl in this season who relies on her looks and the shaking of her booty to get votes instead of displaying her voice. I've already written those two sentences ten times to make them as nice as I can, and I have more to say, but I'll stop there.

2. Chris R. - I don't think he's the best singer, but I thought he did a great job last night and he is enough of a charmer/performer that I forget he can't sing as well as some of the others. Unlike Haley, he knows how to use charm without shoving it down the throats of the audience members.

3. Stephanie - She was good but she can do better. I'm worried that she's in the uh-oh middle category of people who will get forgotten in votes.

4. Blake - LOVED HIM this week. I thought he was the best guy. He's got a very wide talent range and he's a super performer. He might be the one guy who can compete with some of the girls.

5. Lakisha - I was with the judges - not her BEST week - but MAN she looked beautiful and I thought she handled the "age" criticism very gracefully. But if my best day compared to her worst day, I'd be happy to sing that well!!! The song though - kind of reminded me of something that would show up in a sappy Disney movie.

6. Phil - I thought he was more fun than the judges gave him credit for. I thought that song showed talent and he should have gotten a better review. I like Phil. I don't think he's the best singer, but I want him to stay.

7. Jordin - She is just a sweetheart. I love her fun personality and her big voice. She did a great job keeping control of that song when everyone was going nuts in the audience.

8. Sanjaya - WHAT?!?! I agree that it was his best night but it was kind of manic, I thought. I don't know - I was so distracted by that crying girl that I couldn't pay much attention to what he was doing. Still, I think he may have saved his spot for another week.

9. Gina - LOVED LOVED LOVED the haircut. Sassy! If my hair would do that, I'd get that cut too. Her song was okay but I just love her. She has officially won me over and I'd like her to stay.

10. Chris S. - See, he's good but to me, he was in that uh-oh category this week too. He's kind of plateaued off where the others have stayed really strong. I'm worried for him.

11. Melinda - LOVE her haircut too and I love it that she really IS that sweet. She can sing anything and she is just wonderful. Let's just quit now and call her the winner. SHE would be a good idol. She keeps it a singing competition, she looks good without looking sleazy, and she is just 100% sweet. THAT should be the role model.

My bottom 3 this week would have to be Stephanie, Phil, and Chris S. just because I thought they didn't improve as much (even as Sanjaya! - gasp!) and I'm worried they'll be forgotten.

Okay Phats, yell at me!