The Things We Wish We Knew: Funeral Wishes

 

It feels appropriate to me to wrap up this series today - Memorial Day - with some of the things we learned about funeral planning. 

I have always said that my parents are professional mourners. They know a lottttttt of people. They have always known a lottttttt of people. For as long as I remember, back into my very early childhood, I was always tagging along to visitations (viewings, callings...whatever they're named where you live) and funerals. I had no idea that this wasn't standard operating procedure for most families and learned that many of my friends my age had still never been to a funeral by the time we got into high school. 

Random side story just to cement for you how often I visited the funeral home as a teenager: the director of one of the funeral homes knew I was saving for a car, so every time he saw me, he gave me a dollar for my car fund. (There were a handful of times he didn't have a dollar, so he borrowed from other - very confused - funeral home employees.) I had something like thirty dollars saved from him by the time I bought my car. And he probably only did this little game for 2-3 years. Yeah. I was there a lot.

Clearly funerals aren't a foreign subject to me, but I did learn through the planning of Allen and Nita's funerals that there are so many questions that families have to answer, and it is so helpful if you leave some notes to make those questions easier to answer.

Also...it's helpful if you can make these decisions when you're of sound mind. We did ask Nita some of these questions before her surgery, just in case, and a handful of her answers were...interesting. We don't think she would have answered them all quite the same if we had asked pre-tumor. 

* Do you have a preference on funeral home - and is your funeral pre-paid? Sometimes the funeral home choice is an easy one, and sometimes it isn't. If you have a funeral pre-paid somewhere, your family definitely needs to know that. 

* Do you have a burial plot and do you have requests for a monument? (Or do you want to be cremated?) Cremation vs. burial can be a very sensitive topic, so if you have feelings either way, you should mention them. If you've purchased a burial plot, your family needs to know where it is. (If you're part of a family plot, they should know that, too.) And then there is the matter of the monument. What do you want on it? My friend Amber etches monument stones, and I have learned SO MUCH from her about what goes in to choosing monument stone art. If you have a particular quote, verse, or picture you want on the monument, you need to make sure someone knows. 

* Who should officiate your funeral - and any specific requests for what you'd like to have said at the service? If you have multiple ministers at your church or in your family, it may not be clear to your family who you would choose to officiate. And it's important to mention if you want something specific to be said. Many funerals I've gone to have been specific about including the plan of salvation to those in attendance, for example. 

* Music. Everything about it. What songs do you want used? Who should sing or play? Should there be congregational singing? Should there be prelude music? We found it was either difficult to come up with the right song - or difficult to narrow down the choices. 

* Do you have favorite verses you'd like to include? When Allen passed away, his daughters went through his Bible to find some of his favorite verses - only to find he never marked in his Bible. And no one could remember specific passages he mentioned. So if there are verses you'd like to use in print or as part of the sermon, make sure you list them.

* What would you like to wear? If there's a particular outfit you'd like to wear, make sure someone in your family knows what and where it is. It may not matter to you, but if it does, list your wishes in writing somewhere.

* Who would you choose for your pallbearers? I remembered that many years ago, Mom had made a list of people she wanted to serve as her pallbearers. After Allen died, she and I were talking about pallbearers, and I asked her if she had ever updated that list. I told her I was pretty sure most of her original names were of people who have either died or might not really be up to lifting these days. (My mom is not bothered by this topic at all and actually thanked me for suggesting that she rethink the list. Two days later, she had a new list.) 

* Where should people give memorial gifts to? I mentioned this one in an earlier post, but it is a question the family has to answer at the funeral home, so I'll mention it again. If you have a charity or organization that you would like to be the recipient of financial gifts offered in your memory, make sure someone knows. 

* Is there someone you'd like to have write your obituary? The funeral homes have a template that can be filled in for a basic obituary. But if you would like someone to write a more custom obituary, be sure to mention it. The night Nita died, Allen asked me if I'd write hers. I had NO idea (truly!) that he would ask that, and I was both honored and terrified. I'd never written an obituary before. (It turns out there are books on this subject, and I do have them on my Amazon wish list now.) A few months later, when Allen's first wife (and the mother of Ryan's sister) died, his sister asked me if I'd write that obituary, too, and I did. So when Allen died, Ryan asked his siblings if they wanted me to keep on writing and do his as well. They said yes, so I did his also. Writing obituaries is a good grieving process for me, but it is not easy. 

* Pictures!! Many funeral homes put together a slide show of memories to play during a visitation. This is such an overwhelming task for a family, and obviously there is a timeline on it, since it has to be ready by the funeral. If there are pictures you'd like to have used, set them aside (or make a file) for your family. It will really help make that part of the planning go more smoothly. 

There will be other little details the family will have to choose (casket, program cover, etc.) but if you can leave some direction on the bigger items, it will be so helpful for everyone!

Tomorrow I'll pick a new topic for the blog, but thank you so much for reading along with this one. I hope you've found some things that can help you or your loved ones! 

Sunday Sentiments

 

This week I was reminded of something that I knew...but I lost sight of it. Maybe you have, too? 

I had a conversation with a friend who was struggling with feeling unappreciated in a friendship of hers. She called me, crying, because she felt like she had invested wholeheartedly but she wasn't receiving much in return. 

Have you ever felt like that? It's not fun, is it?

As she continued to share her heart, I asked if the other person in the friendship had specifically said they weren't interested in continuing or if they just hadn't said anything at all.

She said they just hadn't said anything.

I know them both, and my guess is her friend really does still care and really does want to continue the relationship. But the silence spoke loudly - and probably sent a completely inaccurate message!

And that's when I realized of the truth I'd lost sight of in the busyness of life.

Silence is so loud.

How many friendships do I have that I've not spoken words of life into lately? Do my friends feel like my silence is indifference? Or worse...lack of commitment?

Our lives have been ridiculously busy lately. We've worked so hard to carry the WillowBridge torch without our work partners, and in the process, I fear I've missed some birthdays, some milestones, and some follow-up. When my days weren't packed so full, I was so much better on keeping up with those things. I was so much better at checking in. There truly isn't time in the day to do it all, but I would never want my friends to think I've stopped caring. That certainly isn't true!

I'm sorry my friend was hurting the other day. But I'm so glad she shared her heart with me, because it reminded me just how loud silence can be.

As we look ahead to the day our new coworkers arrive, I am looking forward to retrieving extra moments that will allow me to speak into those silent places in my own friendships.

Your people matter. Don't just assume they know you're still all-in with your friendship. Say the words. Affirm them! 

The Saturday Six

 

Any of you watching Hometown Takeover with Ben and Erin Napier? We've been watching it and loving the transformation. (If you're so confused right now...Ben and Erin are the stars of the show Home Town on HGTV. They renovate homes in Laurel, Mississippi and do a great job of bringing new life to a small town! Recently they did a second show called Hometown Takeover, where they traveled to Wetumpka, Alabama and renovated several homes and businesses there to revitalize the community.) It's inspiring to see what they can do! It's possible that a few of my Pinterest boards got a makeover of their own because the creative juices are flowing! So today's ideas are inspired by the Hometown Takeover and things I would be likely to put in a someday house!

One.

Ryan teases me about being allergic to overhead lighting in a house. I just so very dearly love the ambience of lamplight, so it's true that I rarely use the overhead light in any room of our home, unless I need to see something really, really well. I find overhead lighting far too bright and harsh. But I did find these lights (which come in a variety of styles and numbers of light-per-fixture) that have such character. I think I could be inspired to use a light fixture like these! 

Two.

No, we're not having a baby, but if you have a home with stairs, sometimes you need a gate. (We had gates in our Kokomo house to separate Braeya and Phoebe when they first met.) But standard baby gates lack personality, in my opinion. So if we ever had a home with stairs and I thought a gate might be helpful, I'd want a unique one like this! 

Three.

Sometimes my Pinterest boards don't reflect any actual budget I would have, you understand. ;) But if I had a lofty budget, I think this wall treatment would make a fabulous accent wall. In reality, I could probably afford to purchase enough to make a single piece of wall art. Not the whole wall. LOL! But I still love it! 

Four.

I don't remember if I've shared this on here before or not, but our tenant apartments actually have coat racks/benches very similar to this one, and we really love them. This one is a little higher end than the ones in there, but the look is very much the same. Ryan and I have this on our wish list for our own apartment, actually! It holds quite a bit without taking up too much room! 

Five.

This doesn't work for us where we are, because our windows don't extend far enough down to catch the lower plants, but I really adore this plant stand. If we ever again have a house with a sun room or sliding glass doors or any other such large window, I'd love to have one of these! 

Six.

And while I don't think I want to live in a house that would have a kitchen this big, I am kind of in love with this entire kitchen. It's beautiful! 

The Things We Wish We Knew: Documents and Legalities!

Hey thanks, everyone, for hanging in here with me this week. I know it hasn't been the most uplifting topic to share, but I've gotten some really kind texts and emails from you letting me know that it's pushing you to think. And lest I misrepresent our own household, I wanted to let you know these are things we are still working on too - as we learn more about what we need!

I especially want to encourage those of you who are not married or don't have kids to not overlook this. I feel like having children or getting old are the two reasons people pay attention to things like this. But it matters for all of us! 

Today I want to talk about documents, and again, I want to urge you to have these things at the ready in case of a natural disaster. If you have to hurry out ahead of a fire, tornado, or flood, these are the things you need to be able to take with you. Sure, some of them can be replaced, but the process of doing so can take f.o.r.e.v.e.r. 

* Copies of your driver's license or legal ID. Of course most people carry the original on them, but it can be helpful to have copies of it for the people who handle your affairs after your death. Some of the information on it will make their lives much easier as they try to answer questions. 

* Original Social Security card. Keep track of these for your children until they are legal adults! Getting a new social security card can be a real nightmare. It only took me three months to become a legal Shaffer. By the way - having your SSN is going to be necessary for anyone handling your information after your death. 

* Military records. I confess that I don't have a lot of experience with what all this would entail, but I know it's important. If you are in the military, I'm sure you know what you need - so make sure you have that!

* Marriage licenses/divorce papers. Copies are helpful for information's sake, but originals are extremely important. (Not having a true original of our marriage license may or may not have been part of the reason it took me three months to become a legal Shaffer.) If you have ever been divorced, you should also keep copies of your paperwork from that, just in case there are ever any questions. 

* Adoption/Foster care records. It can be a mountain, for sure. But these documents are extremely vital for your children to have as they move forward in their lives, so make sure you keep good track of it all. 

* Immigration/Citizenship records. This many not apply to everyone, but if it does apply to anyone in your family, including any children you've adopted internationally, make sure you have all the records!

* Birth certificates. You'll want originals and copies for everyone in your household. (Hang onto these for your children, too!)

* Death certificates. Again - originals and copies are good to have on hand. Even though Ryan's mom died two years ago, he's needed originals of her death certificate to complete some of the matters following Allen's death. Funeral homes can get you as many originals as you need...for a small fee, of course. 

* Passports. Not everyone has one, but if anyone in your house does, make sure it's kept in a safe place with everything else!

* Car Titles/Home and Land Deeds. I know many people may not have these items paid off, but if you do, make sure you hang onto these documents to show what you own free and clear! (This is also something your loved ones will need access to if they plan to sell any of it following your death.)

* Will. It's really important to have a legal will. I know most probably don't want to spend money on this, but it's important to have. Wills can be fairly generic, or they can be very specific. But they are definitely important. Our advice (which we are in the process of taking) is to find a good attorney and draw up a will if you haven't already done so. And if you haven't updated your will in forever, it's a really good idea to do that. If you now have sons and daughters-in-law and grandchildren, or if someone has passed away who was previously listed in the will, you should update your will to reflect that. Attorneys keep this on file, but having a copy is a good idea.

* Documents regarding power of attorney, guardianship, and final wishes. You can declare someone your power of attorney to make decisions for you (or pay bills for you) in the event that you become unable to do this for yourself. You can (and should!) declare someone a legal guardian for your children in case anything happens to you. If you are named a guardian for someone else's child, you'll want to make sure you have all that documentation at hand. And you should make sure your final medical wishes are known, too. Your wishes for life support and organ donation are important to indicate to those who need to speak on your behalf. 

* Other medical information. And speaking of medical information, it's also a good idea to have a list of important items someone (including you!) might need to know: medical history, information about medical conditions, immunization records, prescription lists, etc. 

The Things We Wish We Knew: Stuff and Things

The last couple of days' posts felt heavy to me...which is understandable, since this topic I'm covering is heavy in general. So today I thought I would try to pick something that might have at least more of a creative spin on it for those of you who are like me and prefer creativity to numbers. :) 

If you're just hopping in after a few days away, I'm writing a series of posts about things that are helpful to document in the event that anything happens to you and others have to step in and tend to your affairs. Two days ago I wrote about contact lists that are important to have, and yesterday I wrote about money and bills and such. 

Today? The stuff and things. 

First up, I want to mention something that might be more helpful in the event of a natural disaster than a death or illness. This bullet point stems from what I remember my sister talking about after the tornado that destroyed her home. 

* Home Inventory List. Depending on the type of homeowner's/renter's insurance you have, you may be asked to submit an itemized list of what you own. Apparently your possessions are very much an out-of-sight-out-of-mind thing when you're trying to make a list. You think you know what you own until you don't own it anymore...and suddenly you forget! So while you have the time, it could be in your best interest to make a home inventory list so you have some of that information at the ready when you need it. 

My sister actually found a book with ideas on this back when she was going through it. I'm sure there are also list guides on Pinterest and Etsy if you need some assistance. Making an inventory of your home can be an undertaking. I did some of it when we moved last year, even though I'd like to go through and do even more. (Pictures are a really helpful thing when doing an inventory...so you could start there and fill in lists as you can.) 

* Stories Behind the Stuff. I've written before about how we've tried to minimize our possessions, but we definitely want the things we own to matter and tell a story. I love walking through our home, seeing items, and remembering where they came from, who gave them to us, or what they represent in our lives. But for the most part, only Ryan and I know those stories. 

While you don't need to write out the story of every single thing you've ever acquired, it might be a sweet idea to document the stories of the things that matter most, so when they're passed on to someone else, that person can know the full story behind the piece. 

This is also really helpful if you have items that are heirlooms dating back to previous generations. Do your children or grandchildren know the stories you've always known by heart? 

* Delegating Items to Specific People. Part of this crosses over into what you would include in a will, but I'm still going to mention it here. If you have a possession that you particularly want to go to someone in your life, you have to put that in writing. (And in most cases, you need to put it in legal writing.) 

Whether it's a big ticket item, like your home, a vehicle, or a piece of jewelry, or a financially small item - like a collection of books - it's important to note who you want things to go to. This one can get to be pretty sticky, I'm sure, in some families. (Thankfully we've encountered people playing nice in our experience, but I'm confident that is not always the case.) 

If you've mentioned to a family member or friend that he or she can have something when you're gone, they're probably counting on that being true. If they find out that wasn't ever documented, you could set your children/grandchildren up for some rough relationships in your absence. 

This is also important if you have items you would like to have donated to specific organizations or charities. Make sure you get that noted legally as well. 

One more quick note on this one, too. I saw this on Instagram a while back and thought it was a sweet idea. Some of you might know the name Luci Swindoll. She was one of the original members of the Women of Faith team. She passed away a few months ago, and a few weeks after her death, one of her friends in ministry posted about getting a package in the mail. Inside were some treasures Luci had owned that she wanted this friend to have. It was an unexpected gift and came with a note about what this friend had meant to her and how Luci would want her to continue in ministry. When it comes to leaving things to others, we usually think about our family members, but it might be a sweet gift to offer something to friends who walked with you in life. 

* Mention Anything of Value or Notes of Appraised Values. You know how they say that one man's trash is another man's treasure? It's also true that something that may look like trash could actually be treasure. If you own things that you know hold monetary value, make a note of it. It would be awful for your loved ones to pitch something, thinking it's junk, only to find out it's worth something and they could have sold it. Likewise, if you have something appraised, keep the paperwork on that! It might be helpful later. 

***

I'm sure different people approach the "stuff and things" of life differently, and that is okay. Maybe the stuff doesn't matter to you (or your loved ones) at all. But if it does - or if you just want to ease the burden of sorting through things, I would encourage you to think about a few of these ideas while you have the time! 

The Things We Wish We Knew: Money and Bills

Thanks for reading along yesterday as I shared some ideas of the lists of contacts we've found it would be helpful to have on hand in the event of a medical emergency, death, or natural disaster. Some of you left some great tips too, so check the comments! (Feel free to share your ideas along the way, too. I'm sharing what we've learned, but I am by no means a full expert!)

Today's topic? Not necessarily so much fun, but definitely necessary. Money and bills. The sad but true fact about life is that when you face a crisis, your world stops, but everything else marches on. So while you or your loved ones are grappling with death, illness, or loss from a disaster, creditors still expect payments to show up on time. Please, oh please, oh please, make things as easy as you can and make copious records of the information they're going to need!

Here are some of the things we have (or would have) found helpful.

* A full list of bills due regularly...and all the necessary information regarding them. You know what you pay when you pay it every month, but if you're the only bill-payer in your household, someone else needs to know how to take over if necessary. So make sure to leave a list of all the bills: mortgage/rent, car payments, student loans, credit cards (general, and store-specific), phone, medical bills, internet, utilities, memberships, etc. It's also important to leave a list of automatic recurring deductions to watch for. 

When you make the list, it's good to write everything anyone would ever need to know about paying the bill without you: logins, passwords, account numbers, websites, etc. And if you have multiple checking/savings accounts that you use to pay your bills, you might need to list which bills get paid from which account. 

* Where to find the money. People leave money in many creative places, don't they? Leave a list of all the banks/credit unions where you have checking and/or savings accounts. Again...websites, logins, passwords, and account numbers are helpful for this, too. If you have investments, leave that information, as well as your contacts for those investments. If you have cash saved somewhere in your home or in a lock box at a bank, leave all the information for accessing it. If you have a safe, make sure someone knows how to get into it. 

* Your financial planner's information. This kind of goes along with the contact lists from yesterday, but if you work with a financial planner, make sure his or her name and contact information is readily available to someone. Financial planners sometimes know information that could be really helpful in an emergency, and they usually have resources that could be helpful in moving forward. 

* All the insurance information. ALL the insurance. Home/auto/life. All the insurance information is important - but especially the life insurance. First of all, can I just beg you to have life insurance? While it's nice to have enough to leave an inheritance, it's definitely important to have enough to cover the bills - and to keep it paid up. Please make sure you tend to this for your loved ones! And then make sure they have all the information to access it if necessary. Another tip that is super important is to make sure the beneficiary is kept up to date. If your beneficiary dies before you, please make sure you change the name to someone else! 

* Tax Information. Do you have a regular tax preparer? Make sure you make a note of who prepares your taxes and how to reach him or her. Also make sure you leave information on where you keep your documents to turn in when tax preparation time rolls around. 

* Information for all other financial-related pieces of your life. Do you have a 401K? Pension? Social security? Leave all those account numbers/logins/passwords as well. I'm sure there are other categories of life that I'm not thinking of right now, because they aren't something we've encountered. But if it's a financial part of your life, make sure it's well-documented. 

* Donations. If you make occasional donations to certain charities or businesses, you might want to leave information about that too. If nothing else, it could help your loved ones know where to make donations in your memory if something happens to you. That is one of the questions asked at the funeral home when the staff helps plan the funeral. If people want to donate money in memory...where should it go? It's amazing how the brain freezes in that moment and suddenly you can't think of what your loved one would have chosen. 

I won't lie...finances give me a headache. I can appreciate how a list like this can make you want to just take a nap. But I can tell you that if someone else ever has to tend to your finances, all this will make life so, so, so much easier. It's worth the hassle of preparing it. 

The Things We Wish We Knew: Contacts

Yesterday I told you that for the next few days, I'm going to write about things we have learned are important to gather in one location so someone can find them if something should happen to us. This is a lesson we've learned the hard way after the death of Ryan's mom and stepdad, and we are working to make sure we tend to some of these things now, should anything happen to either one (or both) of us. 

Today's topic? Contact lists!

I used to keep a paper address book. (Anyone? Anyone?) It became so messy, with changes necessary every time people moved, got married, got divorced, passed away, had children, or changed phone numbers. Eventually I moved to a Word document version of an address book, because it is SO much easier to edit! And that is what inspired my list for today. 

* Address and phone number lists for friends and family. I am the keeper of the "address book" in our family. But if something happened to me, Ryan would need to know the names and addresses of the people who are in our circle of friends and family. And if something happens to both of us, someone else might need to know how to reach out to this group of people. However you keep your list - go through and update it. If people have moved, update the addresses. If names have changed, reflect them. If some have died, note that - so no one tries to contact them. That can be awkward! 

* Emergency contacts. While it's good to have the full list of anyone and everyone you know, it's also a good idea to make a list of people who should be notified in the event of an emergency. (Think: who shouldn't find out about this news on social media or second-hand?) For example...I generally know who my parents' friends are, but if something happened and I need to reach out, there are probably some people I wouldn't think to contact. When you make this list, put the name, the preferred method of contact, the necessary contact information, and your relationship to the person.

* Contacts for your kids. We don't have children, but if we did, we would definitely want to make sure we had on hand all the contact information for people in their worlds. Schools. Teachers. Doctors. Counselors. Babysitters. Dentists. Guardians (in the event that we were incapacitated). Friends (or parents of friends) who might be important to them and be a support to them in a difficult time. 

* Contacts for your pets. Your pets might not have quite as many people as your kids, but you definitely want to make sure anyone who comes in to care for your pets knows who to call! Vets. Groomers. Pet sitters. Boarding kennels. Pets take change pretty seriously, so being able to keep them with the people they know is important! And if there is someone you would want to adopt your pets in the event that something happens to you - make sure you have them listed, too! (Might also want to make sure you talk to them about that first!)

* Church people. In most cases, the people closest to you are going to know where you attend church and who your pastor is, but this is still an important area to note. Some churches have multiple pastors on staff, so if you're particularly connected to certain ones, you'll want to note which pastor to contact. If your church has a prayer chain that you would want someone to contact if you are sick or injured, leave that phone number or email address. If you're part of any responsibilities that would warrant a contact, list that. (For example, f you are a Sunday School teacher or greeter or nursery worker, you might want to list someone to call about that.) 

* Work contacts. List anyone and everyone at your work that should be contacted if something happens to you. This would include supervisors, coworkers, and employees you supervise. This is also a good time to think about the work you do - and if there are any notes that should be left for someone at your work to take over, leave that in a place it can be passed along - and mention the name of the person who should receive it. 

* All the business stuff. Make lists of everyone you have done or are doing business with. The attorney who made your will. Every bank or credit union where you have an account (and any particular people you talk to there). Your financial planner and/or investment broker. Your insurance agent. Your mechanic. Your hair stylist/massage therapist/nail tech/barber. Your counselor. The person who cleans your house or tends to your yard. Anyone teaching you lessons or classes. Your gym. And it's good to have a list of all the places where you have regular bills: utilities, mortgage, car payments, student loans, memberships, etc. Think through the people and places you work with on a weekly/monthly/quarterly/annual basis so you someone can be prepared to stop services if needed. 

Also - if you own your own business, big or small, you will want to have a separate list of all the people and places you work with in relation to your business. This includes anyplace you owe money to, any suppliers for products, any shop (physical or online) that sells your product, any clients you serve, and anyplace where you have recurring bills. 

* All the medical stuff. Doctors. Dentists. Specialists. Physical, Occupational, or Speech Therapists. Also be sure to include if there are any particular people you prefer to speak with at any of these offices. (I know some people hardly ever see their actual doctors, but they might see a PA or NP at the office regularly, so that person should be mentioned on the list.)

I realize with what I am about to say, my Bekah-ness is showing. Not everyone is as detailed as I am, and that is okay. But as you make these lists, I encourage you to list as much information as possible that could be helpful to someone in your absence. Remember that just because you know something doesn't mean someone else will just automatically know it. It's better to leave more information than necessary than to cut corners and leave questions. 

Another important thing to keep in mind is to regularly update these list. If you leave one gym for another, make sure you update that once everything is closed out at the previous gym. Maybe put these lists on a rotation to be glanced over each month so you can make sure they're always up-to-date. Having lists really doesn't help if they're not accurate. 

This post (and most of them I write over the next few days) has largely been inspired by the loss of Allen and Nita, but I do want to also mention that these pieces of information are also important to have collected in the event of a natural disaster. Remember when my sister and brother-in-law lost their home in the tornado a few years ago? All of this sort of information was important for them to have, too. They were still here (for which we are so, so thankful) but their minds were overwhelmed with the shock of the loss. I don't even know what kinds of records they salvaged and what they lost, but having lists like these are as important in a natural disaster (fire, flood, tornado, hurricane, etc.) as they are in an illness or death. And this is why it's important to also keep some records in either a safe room in your home or even better - in an offsite location. 

The Things We Wish We Knew

I will tell you from the beginning that the posts I write over the course of the next few days, I'm writing as much for our own to-do lists as I am for all of you. 

If you've been reading here any length of time, you know that Ryan's stepdad died of a heart attack this past February. All of us (including Allen) were unaware he even had heart issues until he was gone. You may also remember that Ryan's mom died just two years before that, after a five-month battle with brain cancer.

We have have found that there is much that is different in saying goodbye over time vs. in a flash, but one thing our two losses had in common was this: we were left with so many questions.

By the time Ryan's mom was diagnosed with a brain tumor, it had already grown quite large, and her ability to remember (accurately, anyway) much information was severely compromised. We talked to her at length, trying to learn things we might need to know, but some of it she just couldn't recall anymore. And then, of course Allen died without warning, so we didn't have a chance to even ask.

With both of them gone now, Ryan and his siblings have so much paperwork to sort through. So many matters to tend to. So many things to wrap up. And they have to do it all based on the information they have. Sometimes it's not much. 

His parents weren't much different from most of us, I'd imagine. They kept so much in their minds. They knew it. That was enough, right? Except now their kids need to know it...and they can't ask anyone anymore.

It has opened all of our eyes to the extreme, extreme importance of gathering information and keeping it in a location where it can be found in case of emergency. 

Let's face it: we don't want to think about being incapacitated or dying. It's not a fun topic for anyone. But what's even less fun than that is trying to find answers to questions when you have to know and can't find what you need. 

If something happened to you, would your loved ones know where to find important contacts? Papers? Passwords? Do they know your wishes? Do you have a will?

These are topics I never expected to know in depth at forty-three. But the last two years have taught us that these conversations are ridiculously important. The gathering of this information is vital. 

So over the next few days, I'm going to talk about some lists of things we've learned are really important. What I'm not going to talk about is how you should keep the information. Everyone has a different level of ability and comfortability when it comes to these things. Whether you choose to keep hard copies or digital or both...that's all up to you. There are bloggers who can speak to pros and cons of that with much more skill than I can. And in truth, some of that is probably personal preference. 

I'm simply going to talk about the things that are important to gather in whatever way you choose to keep in whatever method you prefer. Then if you have an unexpected accident, illness, death, natural disaster, or any such thing, everything will be ready for those who need to step in to help. 

There are so many things we wish we knew from Ryan's parents. We want to make sure we know these answers for our parents who remain, and that we have these questions answered ourselves for anyone who might need to assist us someday. 

Sunday Sentiments

 

The past few weeks have been a whirlwind. (Maybe I really meant months?) 

We're starting to find our footing and hope to find even more of it as we look ahead to sharing the work responsibilities with our new teammates. 

I've gone through a season where I've gone through the motions of spending time in prayer and Bible study each day, but not much was truly clicking with me. I've had seasons like that before, so it didn't terrify me, but it had become annoying. My faith isn't about feeling, but now and then I like to feel something. 

This week I started a study by Darlene Schacht - digging into the passage about the Armor of God. With the first read, I noticed the return of the heart-thirst that had been missing far too long. 

I've been underlining in the study, marking passages in my new journaling Bible, and going back to the pages over and over again throughout the day to really immerse myself in what I'm learning.

One of the (many) lines Darlene wrote that stood out to me this week said this: "The battle belongs to the Lord. He uses the small, the flawed, and the few to further the gospel, so that through our weakness HIs grace abounds all the more."

This work we do is sometimes a battle. Not a battle with the tenants, but a battle against the enemy of this world that longs to claim those tenants. A battle against lies they've believed their whole lives. A battle against mindsets that have been prevalent for generation after generation. A battle against habits and hurts they've held onto - sometimes just to cope with everyday life. 

We talk so often about how to combat those things, and this week I needed to be reminded that the battle belongs to the Lord. The battle plan belongs to Him as well. He alone can fill our hearts and minds with ideas of how to reweave into something good what has so long been meant for evil in their lives and hearts.

And like her study said, God uses the small, flawed, and few for His purposes. Most days we feel 100% qualified as the small, flawed, and few. But it's because we are all those things that His grace and glory can be revealed. It's nothing about what we are doing. It's all about what He is doing. We just have the blessing of being part of it.

Last night Ryan went for a run and I went on a prayer walk all around our apartment. I prayed over every tenant and everything I could think of that they're up against right now. 

The battle is His. The battle plan is His. The outcome is His. We're just soldiers showing up for battle. 

In the armor of God. 

The Saturday Six

 

One.

Have a graduate on your shopping list this year? Here is a gift guide with a wide price variety of options on it. Perhaps you'll find some inspiration! 

Two.

One of the last things we redid in our Kokomo house before we moved was the master closet. We had grand visions of getting a fancy pants closet system but couldn't justify spending the money when we had no clear vision of what our jobs might look like heading into a pandemic. (Little did we know, right?) So we used what we had and organized it more. We ended up really loving it! Ours was a walk-in closet, but if you have a small closet, check out this post with some really good organizational tips. (I second the velvet hangers motion!)

Three.

Our dear Abby doesn't have lights with her awning. (She was born before that was the norm - ha!) We got a string of lights to put on the awning, but we weren't sure how to attach it. Think we're going to start by trying this one - badge clips!!!

Four.

I made this sheet pan breakfast hash this week - and we loved it! I threw in some mushrooms, because we love them, and I used frozen cubed sweet potatoes to make it faster and easier. Delish! 

Five.

Things I learned this week include...Indiana has a digital passport now that you can use when you go to state parks and such. The paper-loving girl in me so wishes it was a paper passport, but it's still pretty cool! 

Six.

Mason jar shaped zipper bags...how cute are those? I saw them in an article about RV storage. The blogger used hers as spice storage in their RV. Pretty brilliant!

Thankful Friday

 I know that Thankful Thursday has a much nicer ring to it, but I don't think any of you really want me to add a second Thursday to this week...so thankful Friday it is!

First of all, I have to share a note of thanks for God's protection over us last night. Ryan and I take a walk at some point throughout every day (weather permitting) and yesterday we weren't able to get away until later in the evening. We were walking past the ball diamonds, and Ryan had just gotten done telling me how much he loves living in a little town with ball diamonds that are full in the summer. I was telling him a story that he was apparently listening to very intently, and all of the sudden, I heard a bunch of panicked yelling. I knew there was a foul ball somewhere, so I paused us and tried to search the sky, but I couldn't find it in time. It came smashing down less than a foot from our heads. 

It was pretty scary. We are so grateful that God protected us from what we couldn't see! (And now we'll either start wearing helmets to walk or we'll find new walking paths.)

But today I also want to tell you about another huge answer to prayer. 

Remember when I told you a while back that our support couple, Tim and Justine, were leaving WillowBridge? I am so excited to tell you that God is bringing us a new couple to work alongside us!

I've been waiting to tell you until the news was made official, and it has been, but the couple hasn't announced it on social media yet. Since we know some of the same people, I want to make sure I'm not sharing their story with people they haven't had a chance to tell just yet. So I'll keep names and pictures under my hat, but I'll tell you a bit of the story.

Back when we first came here - which has been almost a year ago now - we mentioned that this one couple we knew would be pretty perfect in this line of work. I think I even joked that maybe we should just go back where we came from and send them instead. And that was the end of that story...for a time.

Then when Tim and Justine told us they were leaving, we thought of this couple again. We told Rob about them, and he said they were welcome to inquire about the posting if they were interested. So we told them about it, answered their questions about the work we do, and left it to them and God. We thought they'd be a great fit, but if they didn't feel called here, we didn't want to pressure them in any way. 

They did inquire, and a bit later, they came for an interview. We made brunch and everyone had a chance to meet each other, and we spent hours wondering what all was happening in that interview room. (It reminded us of our own interview day. Whew! That was one long interview!) 

And then we waited. And waited. And waited. And lost hope. And tried to have faith that regardless of the answer, it would be okay. 

Tim and Justine officially left. We were on our own.

And we waited. And waited. And waited. And lost hope. And tried not to think about how many months we might be on our own if they didn't feel called to come here. 

Then Rob called one afternoon. It wasn't unusual. He calls us often. Ryan put the phone on speaker, and he said, "Hey - just wanted to let you know. They said yes." 

I straight up burst into tears and couldn't stop.

I can't explain to you the relief that fell over me in that moment. I knew we still had weeks of solo work ahead of us. But to know that help was on its way was a blessing I cannot put into words. 

So they're coming! They're really, really coming! We are so excited. We are excited because we believe they have a beautiful heart for this kind of work. We are excited for what God has ahead for WillowBridge. We are excited because we will get to share the workload of our days again!

I know some of you have been praying for us in this season, and we are so grateful. We are coming up on one month since Tim and Justine left, and I honestly have no idea how we've been able to do these days other than the prayer support of friends and the strength the Lord gives each day. 

** Our job is confusing and I know that, so let me try to explain this part. Tim, Justine, Ryan, and I were the full time team at WillowBridge. Together, the four of us took care of the building and property, transport tenants, go to meetings, do all the office work, plan and hold community nights, have daily interactions with the tenants, and more.

WillowBridge is part of a department called LARC, and we have two co-workers in LARC named Travon and Cordin. They do a lot of things with our tenants, but they also have many responsibilities outside our building, helping other youth in need. But in this time that we've been without our other half, Travon and Cordin have stepped in to sit with the building throughout some days so we can take a few hours off, run errands, and rest. We are profoundly grateful for them and the sacrifices they are making so we can get a few breaks. (Because of their help, I was able to have my birthday off work, which was such a gift.) Rob and his wife have also filled in to help cover some hours. 

We aren't alone, and I don't want to misrepresent in any way that would make it seem we are. Without Travon, Cordin, Rob, and Sierra, we might not be standing and smiling. But the whole team is so eager to welcome our new support couple. Excited to see what God has ahead for us all! 

We're thankful today! 

That Girl Would Never Believe It

I told you that yesterday marked twenty-five years since my high school graduation, which means that today marks twenty-five years since I stayed up almost 24 hours in a row. (Staying up that many hours has rarely been my forte in life.) Our high school always had a senior fling the night of graduation. Maybe they still do. Or did...before pandemics. I was never one to attend extracurriculars at school, but the senior fling was kind of a big deal. A once in a lifetime moment. 

So the day of my graduation, I got up early to get ready for church and then we had graduation that afternoon, my open house that afternoon and evening...and then it was time to head back to school for the senior fling. I think it started somewhere around 10 p.m. and went until about 4 in the morning. My parents did not want me driving home after that, so I went to stay with my friend Amber, who lived practically next door to the school. We stumbled into her house, all bleary-eyed in the middle of the night. She crawled into her bed and I unrolled a sleeping bag on the floor and may have paused long enough to unzip it and get inside before conking out for hours. It felt so...grown up...to stay out so late.

I think about 18-year old-Bekah sometimes. 

Pieces of the girl I was back then remind me of the tenants I serve now. So many dreams - but not for things that are super lofty. Just dreams of a regular life with a pretty house and some cats to love. I had the blessing of parents who gently guided me toward those things. And now I hope in some way that I can be a guide for those living here. That I can give them gentle nudges in the direction that will allow them to see those simple dreams come to pass. (I also think we can all agree based on the photo above that my dreams should not have led me toward a career in a salon. Look at that. I was cutting my own bangs too short EVEN THEN. Some things never change.)

Other things that never change include...my bent toward creativity. This picture was taken in the yearbook room while I was on staff. To be honest, my one lone year on the staff wasn't a great experience. Our teacher was brand new (to teaching as a profession) and only found out the week before school started that she was going to be in charge of yearbook. She had no idea how to teach it or put one together, and I think it's possible that our senior yearbook went down in history as the worst one ever made. (For the record, I did love that teacher as a person very much. She was SO sweet. I felt sorry for her that she was thrown into that role without any preparation or guidance!) But that aside, I loved being in a class that fed the creative side of me. And I certainly had no clue back then that I'd go on to be a lifelong scrapbooker, making yearbooks of my own.

I worked as a cadet teacher in my mom's class that year. Every student in the class took a turn being the "someone special" of the week, and at the end of the year, I had a feature week of my own. It's good to be someone special, isn't it? We all crave it. Those little first graders did. I did. Our tenants do now. We all want to be seen and known and loved. That never changes, either.

Also never changing? How easily I'm embarrassed. This was on my 18th birthday, which was less than a week before graduation. My friends sang to me in the lunchroom. 

Loudly.

And there was a cute boy in the back. 

This is still 100% me when people stare.

But for all the things that never change, so much has completely changed. Ryan asks me sometimes if the Bekah of high school EVER would have imagined what the Bekah of 2021 does for a living. The answer? Never. Never in a million years. 

Never would I have imagined that twenty-five years down the road, I would be in this role that challenges and grows me and pulls things out of me I didn't even know I had in me. Never did I imagine I'd be working with the same general age group that I was right then. 

This girl never would have believed it. 

I say this to encourage you that God has plans for your life. And it doesn't matter what you'd never imagine you could or would do. If He calls you to it, He'll equip you for it. Sometimes He'll equip on the run, but He'll do it.

I think of this 18 year old girl when I talk to our tenants. I try to remember how she felt. What scared her. What motivated her. What pushed her. And I try to remember that the journey from the pictures you see here to the girl I am today was a long journey filled with a lot of work on God's part. The young adults we work with have that same journey ahead of them. Our job is to show them love and trust God to take it from there.

And maybe one of these days, they'll look at their throwback pictures from 2021 and not believe what God has done in their lives, either! 

Remembering Bookstores

First of all, I see we have rolled around to the date on the calendar when I graduated from high school. Why do I always remember this date? So many important dates completely escape me, but I always think of this one when I see May 19th roll around. Twenty-five years out of high school this year. What in the world!!?

But that's just a side note. Let's move on to the actual point of today's blog. 

I was moseying through a list of ideas last night and found one about bookstores, and it made my heart sigh in a bittersweet way.

I. Miss. Bookstores.

When I was growing up, we lived in a small town between two cities. There was a Christian bookstore in both of those cities. They were owned by the same family, so it didn't matter which town you went to...you could find the same store awaiting you. 

I loved them both. I could get lost in them for hours and sometimes did. 

I remember waiting for the next book in a series to release and begging my parents to drive me to one of them so I could turn over my carefully saved babysitting cash in exchange for adventures on pages. 

I remember waiting for cassettes (eek!) and then CDs to release so I could purchase those, too. 

I remember learning all about new authors and artists because I could peruse books and music right there on the shelf in front of me. 

I remember saving up to buy gifts for my friends and family and even using the layaway program to save something until I could save enough money to pay for it entirely. I felt so grown up. 

Though I don't remember the exact timeline, both of those stores eventually closed (I think the owners retired) but another family opened a store in its place, and I loved it just as much. It came with an attached coffee shop, which was pretty much the greatest thing ever. Instead of sitting awkwardly in aisles to look through books, I could pull a pile of books over to my table with my latte and thumb through them there. 

I have hundreds of memories in both those little family-owned shops that have nothing to do with the purchases of books or music.

I remember shopping in one and hearing over the radio that one of my favorite morning guys had died unexpectedly in a car accident. (I still have the little newspaper clipping about his death...in my senior memory book. Guess that means it's been 25 years ago now. Goodness.)

I remember meeting my friend Olivia for mentoring meetings and hours upon hours of conversation, learning, and prayer.

I remember writing pieces of my own at the tables in one of the bookstores - just to change the scenery.

I remember falling for a guy who spent as much time at the bookstore as I did. (It didn't work out, but I doubled my visits there for a while.)

I remember dreaming of working in one of those bookstores, though it never came to pass.

Those bookstores felt like home. I knew the people. I knew where everything was. I belonged there. Bigger bookstores have never been home for me in the way that the little family-owned places were. They felt just like a version of The Shop Around the Corner in You've Got Mail.

I miss those little shops. I know that in general they're not as prevalent as they once were, but oh...wouldn't it be grand to live in a town with a proper mom-and-pop bookstore?

How about you? Any bookstore memories? Do you miss them too?

Birthday Fun!

Yesterday I told you about my early birthday dinner at the food truck. Today I want to tell you about my actual birthday!

Back when we sat down with Tim and Justine to figure out all our days off for the spring months, I was the only one of the four of us who didn't get my birthday off. Tim and Justine were in a wedding this past weekend, so they obviously had to take the day, which meant I couldn't. I was super sad about it, but I understood. However...when they ended up leaving at the end of April, we had to revamp all our days off for the month of May. In the revamping, it worked out that I could take my birthday, and it was such a gift. 

Another thing that was such a gift was Abby's return! We had to take her into the shop for a little work before summer travels, and she ended up being gone TWO WEEKS! I had started to panic that she'd been RV-napped. But that very morning, they called to say she was done, and I could have cried. And I did hug her.

Anyway. Remember Ryan's birthday? Cold, soggy, rainy mess? Mine was the exact opposite of that. So he was able to plan an outdoor activity for us! We slept in a little bit that morning and then went to visit Eagle Marsh, which is a nature preserve on the south side of Fort Wayne. 

It's such a strange place, because it's an 831 acre preserve - literally in the city. One side of it almost borders one of the biggest hospitals in Fort Wayne and another side borders the interstate. But it's so big and serene and wonderful! 

We started out at the floating trails, which both of us thought were going to be way more expansive than they were. Nevertheless, they were a thing we'd not seen before:

There are 14 miles of trails, but we could only do about half of them. One of the main ones we could have done was closed, and some others were a bit too wet for us. (The maps actually tell you what kind of shoes you need to wear for each trail. We had on our tall hiking shoes, but for some you really needed proper water boots.) Even so, we saw some beautiful things, and Ryan was super excited to use his bug and plant identifying app. We learned about that app last summer when we were hiking in Not-Hocking-Hills-State-Park and encountered a family learning together through the app. They told us about the app and he downloaded it. 

We were heading into a wooded area when...YOU GUYS!!!!! We saw a deer!! I about lost my ever loving mind. I am so ridiculous about deer. I love them so so much. More than anyone should. I was absolutely giddy and declared this another perfect gift for the day. 

She ran through the woods and into this little field for a snack, but she stayed for several minutes. I tried not to squeal and just took a bunch of pictures.

And then we got back on the path. :) 

Check out how close we were to the interstate! :) 

Ryan somehow saw this miniscule turtle and we had to get some pictures of him. He was so cute!

(He's not touching him there...I just had him put his finger next to him to show how tiny the turtle was!

And then, you guys!!!! I saw another deer! Or maybe it was the same one again and she just followed us to another part of the park. I don't know. I don't even care. I lost my mind AGAIN!!!!

Here's a video of me whispering to her. (I'm hopeless.)

And just a couple more shots from the end of the day:

Why yes, that is a train behind me. :) 

And on the way home? Free coffee!

Had the best kind of day!! :)