What Makes a Good Friend?

We have good friends. I'm thankful for that. This past year has been a strange one for friendship all the way around, hasn't it? It's tested them and reshaped them in creative ways. We added a move to our strange year, which means we created a distance with the friends we previously had geographically close to us. Maybe, in some ways, it made it easier to do all that during a pandemic. Maybe it's never easier. I'm not sure. But I know that either way, we have good friends. 

But what makes a good friend? I remember at our wedding, Ryan's best man said in his toast that he marks friendship in time and presence. And that is true. But after a year in which time and presence have been challenged, I thought about what additional things make a good friends. 

It's not an exhaustive list, of course, but here are some of the things that have made friendship sweet for me - especially in these last few months.

* They know me and they tell me in the tiniest of ways. Yesterday I got a text from one of my friends who had read an article in the newspaper about the time change and it made her think of me. It made me smile to get that text, because it reminded me she knew me well. A quick picture of an article and I felt loved. Another friend and I have habits of sending back and forth the best grammar-fails we encounter. I love opening those texts and searching for the  nooooooooo moment hidden in the words. A couple of silly examples, but I think that's one of the best marks of friendship. Seeing little things and reaching out with reminders of being seen and known and loved. 

* They check in randomly. I love it when friends call or text or send a note in the mail just to say hi. No real reason. I've been trying to do more of this myself lately - reaching out when someone pops into my mind, because I figure that is a nudge from the Lord. And I love it when my friends do it for me too. A quick How are things going today? - or a follow up on something I'd shared with them earlier. It's nice to be remembered on big occasions, like birthdays, but it's a big bonus to be thought of in the regular sort of day, too. 

* They skip the drama. I love friendships that are easygoing. I didn't say easy. Friendship takes investment and work, for sure. But I love the friendships that are easygoing and void of nonsensical drama. Years ago, before I was married, one of my church friends told me that she flat out didn't keep up with friends who were high maintenance. She was married, running a business with her husband, and raising three kids. She didn't have time for drama-rama. She told me she loved my friendship, but she wanted me to know that if I fell out of her life for two years and came back, she'd pick right back up with me and never give me an ounce of guilt for disappearing, because that's how she rolls. I loved that permission and now that I see her infrequently, I love knowing that when I do see her again, I don't have to stumble over apologies. I can just smile and pick up where we left off.

* They pray for me. Prayer partner friends are THE BEST, and I love knowing I have a whole prayer warrior army I can call on if something happens. Even if they don't get what I'm going through (as is sometimes the case), I know they'll pray fervently, and God does get what I'm going through, so that's good enough. There is unspeakable value in praying friends. This we know in fresh ways, having lived the past few weeks on those very prayers.

* They're willing to be creative. When friendship has to look different for a season (regardless of the reason why) they're up to the challenge. When we moved this summer, one of my co-workers asked if I'd be willing to talk with her via Marco Polo because it's the best way for her to connect with people. She's a working mom of a busy toddler, so emailing or texting are challenging right now. She can Marco Polo while she does her hair in the morning and I can catch her when I eat breakfast. We've actually formed a pretty deep friendship over those little video chats! Another one of my brand new friends takes time to email me once or twice a week, and I've had such fun getting to know her through her stories. 

Ryan's best man was right: friendship is marked through time and presence: taking the time to show up, even in tiny, creative ways. I'm still learning how to do all these things better myself. Moving and working strange hours and having unconventional weekends has pushed me to do my side of these things in different ways than I ever have before. Sometimes I feel like I'm failing with finesse. But I'm grateful for patient friends! 

Thank you to all of you who are fabulous friends. Not just to me, but to all your other friends, too. Keep showing up. Keep being creative. Keep being faithful in the little things and not sweating the big things. Keep praying. Keep being the amazing friends you are. We all need each other.