It is humbling to even admit something like this right out loud on the internet when I know good and well that our life is full, beautiful, and saturated with blessings.
But I've told you many times before that I am not perfect and certainly do not have it all together, so if you've not been convinced of that by this time, perhaps today's post will do it.
I had some major jealousy issues over Memorial Day weekend.
It started out with Ryan's work schedule. Now I want to be quick to say that I do not want to be "that" wife. I have known wives who do nothing but complain about how much their husbands work and how they're never home, and, well, you know the rant. I am grateful that Ryan has a good job that allows us to enjoy our life together. I am grateful for his co-workers who really really are like family to him - and to me. I am grateful his work is steady and provides for our needs.
But it's health care. And that means there are no vacations. Not to say he never gets to take off work, but literally, there are no vacations in health care. Someone is always in need, every day of the year, every hour of the day, so everyone has to take turns working those days. It's not unique to him, but it does impact him.
Enter my struggle. I am a lover of holidays. I always have been, and it's not contained to Thanksgiving and Christmas. It's all the holidays. And I have always worked in environments that gave those days off. Both at the school and the station, we got not just the "big" holidays, but Memorial Day, Labor Day, July 4th...all of them. So I've just adulted my way through life believing all the people got all the days.
They don't. And health care is among the group that has to report for duty. So Ryan had to work Saturday and Memorial Day itself that weekend. I grumbled on the inside, and it spilled right over to the outside.
Since he didn't get time off, I didn't give myself time off, either. I made a work schedule and sat down at the computer, typing away at my projects, with random sanity breaks to check Facebook.
That was a mistake.
It seems all my friends soaked up the rays at random lakes and pools over Memorial Day weekend. I couldn't blame them. It was about the most perfect weather weekend you could ask to have for such activities. Every feed I scrolled through had pictures of boats, fishing poles, tubes, skis, pedicured toes hanging off piers and lawn chairs, and all other such wonder.
And there I sat, staring at my work, thinking about Ryan at his work, and I got insanely jealous.
Sunday afternoon, during the one break Ryan enjoyed from a working holiday weekend, he crashed hard in a well-deserved nap, and I wandered out to the hammock, where I stretched out and stared at the perfect blue sky above and felt the hammock beneath me swaying in the breeze. I stared at our deck and the bright flower petals peeking out of pots scattered around, and I knew I had no reason in the entire world to not be grateful.
A feed filled with #soblessed {possibly one of the most overused hashtags I've seen} tied to lake pictures kept me from feeling #soblessed in my hammock.
I knew I was in for an uncomfortable lesson from the Lord, and yet I could not shake the discontent.
The truth is, I really am #soblessed. This house and the relief it has offered us in the schedule of our day is a blessing. Ryan's work is a blessing. Being able to stay home and be a writing wife is a blessing. Dog sitting Phoebe was a blessing. Feeling healthier than I have in about five years is a blessing. One beautiful blessing after another camped out right in front of my face if I would just allow myself to enjoy them.
I'm not sure I fully learned the lesson that weekend. I probably didn't even come close to fully learning it. It was nice to have Ryan home that evening so we could roast hot dogs in the fire pit, nap in the hammock, and go for a sunset walk. That felt like a mini-vacation tucked into a long weekend.
Contentment doesn't come {at least for me}. I have to go to it. I have to let go of the things I chase that aren't mine to have and look at the joy in front of me. It's a discipline, and one I haven't mastered, but in the moments I push through to find it, the results are beautiful.
7 comments:
I know my sister and her family deal with that with her MD schedule. Hope you can find your contentment - you two have a special life together!
My husband used to work six days a week and literally he'd take off six days during the year- Christmas, Thanksgiving, the day after Thanksgiving and maybe three other days besides those. He worked that hard so that I could be home with the kids and while I appreciated it and knew how #soblessed I was, I grappled with not being content with no vacations and his constant work. Thanks for sharing your post.
what a great, honest post. I too do this! I am reading a book that I have been sharing with my yoga people. I think we all suffer from OCD. (obsessive comparison disorder) which leads us to comparing and we can easily be tempted into feeling left out. I never really feel left out of anything, but i have the "me too, how fun, let's goooo today!" thing going on. Not always realistic, time wise or financially which is okay, but i still have the "aw man!" thing to deal with in my own heart. I do tons better when i shift my thoughts to what IS and not what isn't like you did. It is so free-ing. It's funny how i can forget that my current state, life, situation, or ability is probably what someone else somewhere is hoping for. Gosh it humbles me. you are a delight in your real way to see life, and the U turns you take when you see your eyes looking in a direction not serving you or Ryan or the Lord. I get so distracted and it's so sweet to come back to what matters. yay for U turns! You are loved!!! XOXO
You don't know me but I enjoy reading your blog! I'm a young mother of 2 boys under age 2 and wife to a very hard working farmer! Farming is very like healthcare in that it's a 24-7 job but also has times and seasons (like planting, right now) where he literally works 18 hour days quite regularly and we have to wait for Sunday to take a deep breath and cram in family time! I had very similar feelings on Memorial Day when the weather was beautiful so of course it was an ideal day to get in the fields! So I was at home and hearing about everyone's awesome Memorial Day picnics and such:( But I so agree about the need to learn to be content! So many blessings to be thankful for even though life is not our ideal often. Thanks for your honesty, it encouraged me!
Great post, Bekah
I'm with you here. Bill's front desk at a hospital job doesn't allow for many holidays off either. This year he had Memorial Day itself off, but not the whole weekend...so no weekend activities for us either. And the past few holidays included 3 children - for which I am grateful and love deeply - but I am not capable of doing parks and the like with all three when it's just me. So I stay home, a lot.
Tamar - MD schedule would be worse than PT for sure!
Maria - All the blessings come with a sacrifice, don't they? Ryan's work schedule hasn't changed because I left my job, meaning he hasn't had to work MORE, but I think my availability makes me notice the work more!!
Polly - So now I know I have TWO OCD's - Obsessive comparison disorder too! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Lois - WHAT A JOY to hear from you! Thanks for leaving a comment! I read your words to Ryan and he just nodded hard because his dad and stepdad were both farmers when he grew up and he completely understands the no vacation policy dictated by a farmer's schedule! {His stepdad was a hog farmer, so it wasn't just crops, but animals to feed too!} He absolutely feels your pain! I'm sorry you lost your weekend too!
Odie - Thank you, friend!
Kristin - It's so good to hear from you! Interesting that even a desk job at a hospital has the same lack of time off! I don't blame you for not taking three kids out on your own. I probably wouldn't either!
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