The Index Card

I was sick on the couch all day yesterday {with what I'm demanding to be a 24 hour bug that will leave me feeling ALL BETTER today}. Since that makes for very poor blogging material, I'm going to continue with my story today. Again, if you're one of my single friends, please oh please read the words of wisdom from my brother-in-law as I quoted them below!

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I stopped twisting the ring and glanced beside me in the pew.  There sat the index card.  Blue and green permanent marker displayed my neatest handwriting and four dots in the four corners of the card bore witness to four years of sticky tack that had held the card to my bathroom wall.

I’d stumbled across it the night before when I used the upstairs bathroom.  The one that had been mine years before when I’d shared my house with a roommate.  Since she moved out, I’d taken over the larger bathroom and the card had gone unread on a daily basis for those most recent months.  But when I saw it the day before, God prompted me to take it down from the wall and to the chapel to pray over it the next day.  So I’d done just that.

The card read:

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God”  (Philippians 4:6).

“A poor relationship is not better than no relationship.  It will be scary and lonely to eliminate a long-standing relationship like this.  But work through to the other side of the loneliness and see what’s there.  If you want more out of a relationship, hold out for it…Tell God, ‘I’ll trust you with bringing me my partner.’”

Those last words were penned by my brother-in-law in an email over four years earlier.  I’d written to him in desperation as I tried – in vain, again – to relinquish my grip on a relationship that I just couldn’t shake.  I’d clung to these words and transferred them to the index card so I could see them every day as I got ready for work – and ready for bed.  I thought perhaps just reading them over and over would remind me of their truth. 

And I did read them – over and over.  And still I returned to the relationship – over and over.  Then I just didn’t see the card anymore.  But it still hung on the wall.  And that night, God led me back to it.  God reminded me of another time and place when I’d sought to become the woman He designed me to be.  A time and place when I had ached to be free to move on to a forever relationship – but had not been willing to really put the effort behind it.  A time and place when I hoped reading words on a card would magically transform my spirit. 

Sitting there in the chapel, I held the card in my hands and studied Jeff’s words closely.  “A poor relationship is not better than no relationship.”  So true.  What was the point in having someone by your side if he didn’t really want to be there forever?  “It will be scary and lonely to eliminate a long-standing relationship like this.”  A sure promise.  Nothing had been more painful than letting go – consciously – of this love I’d had and shared.  The uncertainty of the future without him was far more difficult than the pain of being alone.  If I didn’t marry him…would I marry anyone?  On and on I’d agonized. 

And then the hope.  “But work through to the other side of the loneliness and see what’s there.”  That had been the part I’d avoided in the four years since I read the words.  The work seemed too hard and the other side too far to even glimpse.  Until recently.  And with diligent work, I’d plodded, day by day, through a “detox” program to eliminate this unhealthy relationship from my life.  There had been tears and anger and worry and fear – but I found Jeff’s words to hold truth.  Working through to the other side had helped me see that there was another side.  “If you want more out of a relationship, hold out for it…”  I’d been scared to hold out for more because I wasn’t sure such a thing existed.  But I was beginning to see that it just might.

Finally, the frightening end.  “Tell God, ‘I’ll trust you with bringing me my partner.’  There is a committal guy out there.”  Gulp.  I sat in the chapel, clutching the card and staring at that last sentence.  I sat.  I prayed.  With thanksgiving, I presented my petition to God.  I verbalized that I trusted Him to bring me my partner.  Though it seemed big – huge – I committed it to the Lord.  I said it again.  I’ll trust You with bringing me my partner.

I waited.  And then God spoke:  Give me the pen.