Trust

"God and I, we've long had trust issues."

Ann Voskamp opened chapter 8 of One Thousand Gifts with that sentence, and I'm not going to lie - I gasped a little when I read it. Are you allowed to say that out loud? Isn't it sort of...not nice to say about God? (Like in The Best Christmas Pageant Ever when Alice said it wasn't very nice to say the baby Jesus had colic.)

But I have to admit...if I'm to be honest today, God and I, we've long had trust issues.

Nothing tastes more bitter than admitting that out loud.

Yesterday I sat at the athletic fields at IWU, the sun keeping me warm through the window of my car, and I called dear, sweet, patient Ronda, who has so graciously put up with my out-loud ramblings during and post-desert...and with hot tears rolling down my face I said, "The bottom line is I just don't trust God to take care of this and I know that's not even nice."

We talked some and finally concluded it wasn't so much that I didn't trust God as it was I didn't trust people to listen to God and do what He said.

I finally came home and crawled in bed, sporting the olive green sweater I'd worn to church, my pearl necklace, and white flannel pajama pants with all manner of pink, purple and turquoise hearts all over them. (Those are the ensembles that just invite a house fire.)

When I got up, I made my way into the shower, because sometimes I hear God better near water and in the absence of owning my own beach, I thought the shower might help. I sat on the floor, with water pelting me until no more hot water flowed...and I tried to squeak out some prayers. With my head resting against the wall of the shower, I heard God say, "Remember your song? Day by Day? He Whose heart is kind beyond all measure gives unto each day what He deems best? You do know that those gifts are sometimes GOOD things, right?"

Uh. Maybe I forgot?

When the hot water stopped, I crawled out and went back to bed, where I opened Ann's book to the trust issues chapter again. I skimmed through to see what I'd underlined. "What if I opened the clenched hands wide to receive all that is? A life that receives all of God in this moment?"

And "The full life, the one spilling joy and peace, happens only as I come to trust the caress of the Lover, Lover who never burdens His children with shame or self-condemnation but keeps stroking the fears with gentle grace."

So that's where I am today. Learning to uncurl my clenched fists to receive the goodness that is His love.