Clarification

It's not like me to try to stir up controversy. In fact, controversy makes me very nervous. I inherited from my mother the genuine desire to have everyone around me be as happy and at peace as they can possibly be. And I'm terrible with debates. I usually just want to say "Yeah you're right" and run away so I don't have to think for myself. As a result, these last couple of posts have been very icky for my tummy. And I think Brandon has about all the intelligent comments I can offer from the debate corner of my mind. But he's asked good questions and I'm glad he's asked them. I need to think about those things.

I felt like I wasn't able to offer the best answers earlier today when I was answering away from my copy of the book, so let me go back and clarify a couple of things. First - about abortion. I went back and found where she said "When the test stick colored, and when I cried out the news to him [her husband], we knew, without asking, that we would birth and raise these babies together just as we had made them. That was all we knew, but it was all that was needed at first." (p. 30) So abortion was never considered from the start. But I distinctly remember hearing Dr. Dobson say on the air that all three women on the panel had the thought of abortion - and maybe hers was just as simple as thinking it and dismissing it. I don't want to give anyone the idea that she pondered it when shes says right here she didn't.

I could not find comment as to why they didn't try some sort of more permanent birth control. Perhaps I overlooked it, though I did search hard for it. And I don't remember reading anything other than they were using birth control (she doesn't say what).

And now that I have the book back in my hands, I went to the end again to try to find the parts I was thinking of this morning - where I'd hoped to find...hope and still didn't. She does say this...she was talking about how her last son was born on her birthday. That was very hard for her because she did not want to share that day. And yet it happened and she felt God had to take that from her too - the last thing possible - to get her to believe that her baby "was not an accident, not a mistake, not an afterthought...That he was a surprise only to me...Nothing about him was a surprise to God." (p. 122) I appreciated her acknowledgement of that. Speaking as a "surprise child," I would have to say learning that I was planned by God was one of the longest, slowest, hardest lessons to learn, but what a healing revelation once it finally sunk in!

As far as the "hope" goes - she does encourage these moms that they'll be more "resilient and resourceful, wiser and deeper..." (p. 124) and she tells them things get easier. That's good, I suppose.

My favorite paragraph in the whole book was the last one. That was when she talked about being unable to measure what she would have lost had these children not been part of her life. The joy and surprise and wonder of life and God's sovereignty was very present in that last paragraph, and I so wish she would have started the book with that vein...and moved to the rest.

Having said all of that, and getting back to my original statement that I don't like controversy, I want to say that my point in becoming so wrapped up in this is not about silencing this woman. She has a story, she has her pain, and she has a right to share that story and pain. My point in this, and the point I tried to make in the letter I wrote is that for every woman out there who has faced an unexpected pregnancy...there is a child who is the surprise child. And our side of things comes with an entire set of joys and trials too. And our side is just as unheard on the larger scale as hers was...which is why she spoke out. And it's why I speak out here.

As I read the book, many times I wrote in the margin, "we feel this too." She talked about how she cried and protested and prayed and questioned. You know - surprise kids do those things too. Maybe not every day. But at some point. And she said she felt alone. Sometimes we do too. She called it a private pain - same here. She talked about needing to pretend that everything was okay. Check!

The Bible says that sometimes we go through trials so that later we can comfort others with the comfort we ourselves have received - that's my paraphrase. This is what she did, and I am glad for the sake of those she's helped that she did it. All I ask that she and other such mothers consider great care and respect in the phrasing of the story. They're not talking about a disease or injury that can't feel the sting of the words. They're talking about a human being - who feels all those emotions too.