Cultivating Relationships with Depth and Purpose

 

Several years ago, I had a conversation with a friend of mine at the church we attended at that time. She had such a magnetic personality. She was fun, deeply rooted in the lord, encouraging to every end, and did nothing ever halfheartedly. She was the kind of person everyone wanted to be friends with because she was so much fun and always left everyone feeling better than they did when they came into her presence.

            But as you might imagine, that left her with quite the conundrum. It’s a good thing to be the person everyone wants to be friends with, because it means you’re doing something right. It’s also an exhausting thing to be the person everyone wants to be friends with, because it means you never have any quiet to your life. You’re always in demand.

            But in this conversation we shared, she told me that she absolutely loved the friendships she shared with the women in her life. She loved going out to dinner or hanging out for a movie night or one of those parties where you know you’re going to buy something even if you don’t need anything. Then she shrugged and said, “But you know what? If I have to pick between a night out with the girls and a night with my husband, I’m going to pick my husband every single time. And if the girls get tired of that and don’t want to be my friend anymore, it’s okay, because he’s my priority and always will be. He’s the one I live with. He’s the one I made a promise to.”

            She wasn’t defeated in this. She owned it. This was her life and her choice, and she was really happy about it! She didn’t expect everyone to understand or agree, but it also didn’t matter to her if they didn’t. She was still going to pick her marriage over anything and everything else if she was forced to choose.

            Our many moves in this past decade mean we have a lot of relationships that have changed. We’ve lost friends along the way because once we were out of sight, we were also out of mind. We’ve lost friendships because sometimes the friendship needed constant attention, and once we couldn’t give that anymore, everything fell apart. Some friendships aren’t gone, but now that we don’t have the luxury of seeing those people all the time, we simply don’t interact as often.

            What I’ve learned from it all is that I hope to cultivate every relationship with depth and purpose – but without co-dependence. I want to have friendships that last a lifetime but are okay if they aren’t deeply invested in every single day of my life.

            Last week I got a message from a friend of mine that I’ve not seen in person in two decades. We message back and forth upon rare occasion on Facebook, and that’s about it anymore. But in her message, she said she wanted to come see me so we could have lunch and talk for a bit. Catch up for a minute. I feel no guilt or awkwardness because so much time has passed. I love her as much as the last time I saw her, and I’m sure the same is true from her to me. I’m excited she’s coming over, and even if it’s another 20 years before we see each other in person again, it’s okay! The same depth and purpose of friendship we had when we first met about 25 years ago is still there.

            The same is true of the friend who had the conversation with me about her choices of how to spend her time. We hardly ever see each other, but when we do, there is much joy and encouragement passed between us. And then we move along with what is immediately before each of us.

            Some relationships are all about in-person contact every single day. Others are almost always a long-distance communication. Some ebb and flow with life changes. But I hope I’m always committed to investing in what I can and not demanding of more than another person can offer in that season.

            And above all, I’m so very thankful for all the friends God has provided along the way. They are a true gift indeed!