The Writing Story

It's been a few weeks since I wrote a post about sitting with the stories. I mentioned that I was sitting with a few stories at the time, and I wasn't able to talk about them just yet. One of those was about my Dad's surprise party, and I told you about that last week. Another of those stories is now complete, and I feel ready to talk about it today. It has taken a while for my heart to be ready.

I am a writer. (You know that.) Writing and publishing are two very different animals. I write every day. I will always write every day. No matter what happens in my life in terms of employment or travel or excitement or boredom, I will always write. I have no other choice. It's who I am. The words have to come out, or I might explode, I fear. 

But publishing...that's a separate conversation. Right after college, I began attending writing conferences and making connections with editors and publishers, and I was confident that publishing would happen quickly and easily for me. 

It did not.

I am so grateful that we live in a time where self-publishing is an option. The two books I have shared with the world have been shared through self-publishing, and both of those experiences are dear gifts to me. I wonder how many writers in years gone by would have given anything for that opportunity! I wonder how many valuable and worthy words we will never read because those authors didn't have a way to share them, and now they're lost.

I haven't published anything for several years. I've continued to write. I've even written a couple more book manuscripts, but I haven't felt it was time to release them to the world.

Earlier this summer, a friend of mine tagged me in an Instagram post about an open invitation to send a book pitch to a publishing house. The deadline was fairly immediate by the time she tagged me, so I sent in a pitch for a book I would love to publish. The idea has been part of my life for probably about 15 years now. 

I sent the pitch and honestly never expected to hear a thing. That tends to be the way of the publishing world - at least for me.

Much to my surprise and delight, I did hear back. Early in August, they reached out and asked if I would be available for a video chat interview to talk more about my book pitch. Yes! So with the sun streaming in the office window one summer morning, I sat with them for a half hour and talked about the writing life and my ideas for this book. 

Much to my surprise and delight, I heard back again! They invited me to submit a book proposal. I had one week to construct it, so life stopped entirely for that week. Ryan carried the bulk of the housework, and Lexi and Braeya entertained themselves while I wrote and wrote and wrote and wrote. I edited. I had a few sweet friends who helped me edit. I gave that proposal everything I had. I prayed over it and submitted it one day early.

And then I waited.

And waited.

And waited.

And waited.

The hardest part about the waiting was actually not even waiting to hear the answer. It was being unsure of how to answer anything else that came my way, because I didn't know if I was going to spend the next few months writing a book or if I would be free to be involved in other things. 

I spent so much of that waiting season in deep, quiet prayer. I asked God not to let me miss any lessons I should learn in that time. I asked for grace to handle the answer, regardless of what it was. 

Almost a month after submitting the proposal, I heard back. They did not plan to pursue publication.

When the news came, Ryan had just gotten home from work and was napping on the couch. He woke up right after I saw the email, and I very matter-of-factly told him the news. He asked how I felt, and I told him I didn't have much feeling at all right in that moment - other than relief to know the answer and be able to know how to proceed with life in general.

The rest of the night, though, was a rough one. After everything finally sank in, I cried away all my makeup, and I wrestled with all the emotions you might imagine would come with the death of a dream like this. Ryan was a sweetheart about it all. He spoke truth over me and also just let me have all the feelings. I think he was even prepared to drive out for a Blizzard if I asked, but I did not. 

Prior to even sending the proposal, I had prayed very genuinely that if there was ANY reason why this was not a good idea, God would put up a block. So I can't be upset that He did. I asked for it and meant what I asked. It's just hard to not know WHY there was a block, you know? It was the closest I have ever come to the dream of a traditional publishing experience, and part of me dared to hope it would really happen.

Maybe, along the way, I will see the reason for the no. Maybe I will never know the reason for it. But if there's one thing I've learned in my journey with the Lord, it's that He does not owe me an explanation. I trust Him to reveal the reasons if He thinks I need to know. And if I don't, I trust Him with that too. (Even if it's hard.) (And it IS hard.)

I remain proud of myself for taking the risk. It was extremely scary and vulnerable to send in the proposal. It was deeply personal and raw. Ryan and Lexi stood right beside me while I hit send and subsequently screamed. We took pictures of that moment - in case it worked out. But even though it didn't, I'm so glad we did that moment together and documented it. This process, even with an end result of no, was a team effort and something that will always be a marking point in the story of us. I'm proud of myself for taking the risk and trying something new. 

A few friends who know the story have asked if I will pursue publishing this elsewhere. Never say never...I've learned that. But I also know that for this time, I need to trust that God has closed the door for a reason, so at this time, I won't pursue publishing it elsewhere. 

This story I've been sitting with for so many weeks is now complete. I stand by everything I did and said in every step of the way. I am grateful that I sat with the story. And thank you, friends, for sitting with me today as I shared this very personal chapter. Thank you for being one of the many reasons I write, every single day.

I still have other stories I'm sitting with, and as they find completion, I will share them with you. The dance of what to share and when is the great quandary of the blogging world. I never want to be mysterious or seem as though I'm purposefully withholding information for the sake of strategy. This is just our actual life we're living over here, and sometimes the experiences that fully saturate our lives and time are deeply personal to us and need to be held close before they're shared. I'm increasingly convinced that each of these current stories matters far more in the realm of what God is teaching me/us through them than the details of the stories themselves. May I not miss any of the lessons He has for me!