Make the Memories

One of the things my mother-in-law and I had in common was the love of memory-making. She was the resident photographer of her family, and was far more talented with a camera than I will ever be. (She took classes and took them seriously.)

When we went through photos for her viewing and funeral, there were boxes and boxes of printed photos...just from the nineties alone. (And some real gems of Ryan, let me tell you!) We actually found Ryan's baby book, and she had so many baby bump pictures in there...before that was even the trendy thing to do. I had never seen any of them and loved looking through those pages.

We hadn't even started sorting through the digital age yet. (Oh my!) And I know when I'm able to sift through my own pictures from just the last six years, I will find a few hundred of my own!

I was pretty nervous about being a memory-maker entering the family of an established memory-maker. I didn't want to overstep my bounds and take over what she was used to doing. But I appreciated the times she went out of her way to make sure I was on duty right alongside her, seeing things from my angle and appreciating what I had to offer, too.

Memory-making can become awkward when someone gets sick. How do you know when it's appropriate to take a picture? Should you? Is this something anyone wants to remember?

Fortunately, in our case, I knew Nita wouldn't object. Even if it wasn't her finest moment, I knew she understood the importance of the memories, and she wouldn't tell me to stop taking the pictures.

And. I. Am. So. Glad. I. Did.

So is Ryan.

He thanked me for it the other day. He had looked back through what I'd taken and said over and over he was so glad I never stopped taking them, because there was so much he'd already forgotten about different parts of the last four months. He was glad he could remember those moments through the pictures.

Today I want to show you some of my favorites from the journey...and tell you why I love them.

Just a day or so after Nita's diagnosis, our brother-in-law threw a surprise 40th party for Ryan's sister. Nita came, but she was overwhelmed, scared, and sad over her diagnosis and upcoming surgery. Her tumor was so large already that the effects on her function and health were heavily noticeable. I wanted to get a picture of the three of us, so Ryan held up his camera for a selfie. Despite Nita's love of photos, she'd forgotten already where you look for a selfie, so Ryan took this while showing her where to look. (We did go on to take a REAL picture, and it was good.) But this one makes me laugh because this was the precursor to how Ryan brought ease and joy into every moment of caregiving.

About a week later, post-surgery, her eyes were already so bright again! She was excited to begin her recovery.

She moved in with us for the first part of her recovery, and Ryan made Shafferland a fun house of recuperation:

And I did my best to make the long days without him fun for her too. (In all fairness, I failed at this a lot, but I did try!) She particularly love my cooking and was always excited for me to make the next meal. (She continued to talk about how much she loved my cooking clear up to the very end, so that was pretty much my favorite.)

Ryan was an extraordinary son. He didn't just do the medical stuff. He tended to her soul. This is one of my favorites. He was reading some devos to her the night before she met with the oncologist to discuss treatment. She was afraid, but after his time with her, she was so calm.

I took her to Ryan's hospital several times so she could try to strengthen her legs while he and I did some working out of our own. She LOVED this machine and was so proud of how far she could go on it.

The longer she stayed with us, the stronger she got, and she was excited to learn how to function in real life again. Ryan made goal lists for her, and we'd work on her tasks together. This was the day I taught her to do laundry. I thought about this picture yesterday as I did my own laundry. She was so proud of herself for learning to do laundry.

Ryan took her to the store and helped her remember how to shop. That was the highlight of her week. She told everyone about it.

Even though she seemed to be progressing well, we knew enough about the disease to know that some of the holidays could be our last ones with her, so I made sure to get her picture with Ryan at each one. I'm so glad I did. This was Thanksgiving. She was exhausted, but she wanted to see her family that she loved so much.

She spent much of December in the hospital, but we tried to keep on making memories. During her days in the rehab hospital, I made lunch every day and took it there so Ryan and I could eat with her.

We celebrated her birthday with her, wondering if it would be the last. It was, and I'm so glad we had this special lunch with her.

Even though the location wasn't ideal, we arranged a family photo shoot in case we didn't have the chance for another one. I'm so thankful we did.

Ryan and I hosted the family Christmas, which was something she loved to do, but she wasn't up to it this past Christmas. She loved sitting in our home, though, in her favorite chair, and it was a special, special night.

She was so proud to be released from the hospital and asked me to videotape her walking out. She sang "This is the Day" as she made her way down the hall. That's a treasure for us now!

At the end of the year, she made the long trip (almost a two hour drive each way) for the big family Christmas she loved so much. Her dad and all her siblings were there, and for the first time in FOREVER almost every single cousin was there.

When January came, with all its setbacks, I tried to be respectful in taking pictures, because she was in such bad shape, but I wish now I would have taken more. Taking them, of course, doesn't mean you have to post them. It just means you have them. And I'm grateful for the ones I do have. My only regret is holding back.

She came home, though, and Ryan asked me to keep taking pictures. This was when the doctors said she only had maybe a couple of weeks left, so I documented every little thing - even the everyday ordinary!

 Ryan took this one a week before she died. It was one of the nights I didn't go with him, because I was watching Deuce. She looked so good that night.

Three days later, he sent this one:

And by Monday night, I was back to hesitating on pictures. She was so frail and sick. I told my mom I didn't plan to take any, but Ryan asked me to. Those are just for us, since she did look so sick, but I'm so glad I didn't hold back from taking them. They're the last ones we'll ever have.

So this was our journey. I don't regret a single picture. I only regret the few I chickened out from taking.

Make the memories. One day, you might look back and realize all you'd forgotten, and you'll be so glad you have them.

Goodbyes

Thank you so, so, so much for all your kind words yesterday. I didn't get home in time to respond to each of you personally, but we both soaked up every word and felt so loved.

When we learned of Nita's diagnosis back in late October, the whole term "glioblastoma" was new to us. We researched, and we knew. We knew it wasn't good. It wasn't survivable, short of a miracle. Ryan understood that from the very beginning and made his peace with it, trusting God with the outcome of her life each step of the way.

She had two options. Have surgery and try to have a little more time, or not have surgery and probably say goodbye in a matter of weeks...or less. She chose surgery. She wanted to fight. She wanted to live. She wanted to be healed here on this earth and enjoy many more years of life.

Her surgery was successful in terms of the doctor removing the tumor, and we were amazed at the life we saw back in her eyes just days after the operation. Life and light we hadn't seen twinkling from those eyes in many weeks had returned again, and that made us so happy.

The plan had been for her to start chemo and radiation - just to try to slow the regrowth of the tumor - but over the course of the next few weeks, each time she stood poised to begin treatment, she faced a medical setback that rendered her unable to begin.

In January, she faced the biggest setback yet, and it was at that point that her husband asked all of us not to talk about the specifics of her condition on any form of social media. Nita lived on Facebook, but he isn't a social media guy and I think the publicity of it all was too overwhelming for him. We respected his wishes, but oh my goodness, how hard it has been for me to not write more fully about these last few weeks. I process my life by writing, and while I journal every day, there are some things I process better here, in this space. To not have that freedom nearly took my breath away.

When we saw Nita in the hospital down in Indianapolis at the beginning of January, after the last setback, we were quite certain she would never come home from the hospital. It was so bleak. So scary. So unexpected. But she rallied, and after about a week and a half in the hospital, the doctors sent her home, on hospice care, and they gave us a timeline of about two weeks.

God gave us almost eight.

The last eight weeks have been utterly exhausting and utterly memorable. While she was home, she required round-the-clock care, which her family and friends took shifts doing. Ryan and I spent every Monday and Thursday evening from about six in the evening to one in the morning caring for her, and then we'd come home, get a few hours of sleep, get up, and do another day's work.

My part of that was actually incredibly easy. I made a meal at home and packed it in the car to take for us to share with her. I talked to her if she felt like talking, took pictures to capture memories (since we knew our time was short) and helped Ryan however I could. He, though, had the bulk of the responsibility, and I will have to devote an entirely separate post to his remarkable compassion and care of his mother.

I didn't go with him last week for our two shifts, because we were watching Deuce, and I didn't want him to be in her way. Ryan sent me a selfie with his mom on Thursday, and though she looked tired, she was smiling and sitting up at the table, trying to eat dinner with him.

Ryan's sister called over the weekend and said she seemed to be worse. She tended to vacillate between up and down days, so we thought she might just be having a bad day.

When we went Monday night, the change in her was marked. She was completely bedfast and sleeping most of the time. (Her body REFUSED to let her rest for most of the last eight weeks. She rarely slept, and if she did, it was not a deep, sound sleep.) She did awaken for us, looked us both in the eye, called us by name, and told us she loved us.

Ryan had the privilege of spending three whole hours with her that night, just the two of them. We had no idea in the last half of that shift, she was less than one day away from meeting Jesus.

Ryan went to work on Tuesday, and we planned to go back out to her house that night for just a couple of hours to see her. After work, he asked me if I wanted to eat at home or wait and eat at his mom's house. We had leftovers I could have easily heated up, but I knew there was food out at her house, so I suggested we just go on out and eat there.

At 6:05, we were about a mile from her house when I asked him to stop the car so I could capture this beautiful sunset.

We got inside the house about five minutes later, and we found her even worse than the day before. The hospice nurse said in all likelihood, we had about 24-48 hours left. Ryan went into her room to see her and sit with her, and about 6:30, he asked if I could call his boss and a co-worker to tell them he couldn't come to work the rest of the week. He needed to be with his mom. I went upstairs to call, and at 6:40, while I was still on the phone, Ryan sent me a text that told me to come to his mom's room immediately.

I ran downstairs and found the family gathered around the bed. Twelve minutes later, Nita was in Heaven.

None of us knew it would be that day. But I'll tell you this. From the very beginning, Ryan said he wanted to be with her when she passed away, and he was. He sat by her side, held her hand, and prayed her Home.

Our hearts hurt, but oh my goodness. We cannot wish her back into the fight she's had over the last eight weeks...four months...even the last 25 years of debilitating asthma.

In the days to come, I'll probably tell you more pieces of the story, now that I'm free to process it here again. But I wanted to try to fill you in a little bit, and I wanted you to know how thankful we are that the Lord gave us a beautiful evening to say our goodbye, and He answered our prayer to let Ryan be with her for the final moments.  I'm so grateful for all the little decisions we made (like not eating at home or running errands on the way) that made that possible.

God is always good. Always faithful. Always leading in the details.

(This photo was from our wedding day in 2012.)

Finally Home

There's a song I learned as a kid, and I imagine most of you have never heard it. But its lyrics are more perfect than anything I could say today.

But just think of stepping on shore...and finding it Heaven

Of touching a hand...and finding it God's

Of breathing new air...and finding it celestial

Of waking up in Glory...and finding it Home.

Last night, our Nita took her last breath on this earth and her first good, clean, easy, non-struggling breath of Heaven.

Our hearts are broken because death is hard and we will miss her, but our hearts are praising the Lord that her long, hard struggle on this earth is over. Because I haven't been able to tell you the full story, you don't know all the difficulty she's been through in the last eight weeks, especially.

She fought so hard. She gave this battle everything she had. And we are proud of her for it.

There are so many things I want to tell you about her journey and about last night. But for now I just want you to know she's Home.

Thank you for loving us so well. Thank you for reaching out throughout these past four months to tell us you're thinking of us and praying for us.

Pray for my Ryan? He misses her. He showed such extraordinary devotion and courage in these last few weeks.

I chose this for today...from our last family photo shoot while she was in the rehab hospital:

Until then, Nita. Thank you for raising a remarkable son and accepting me as your daughter.

Milestones!

First up today...we have a new podcast for you. We're just telling simple stories this week, but they made us laugh. Right now we cling to the chance to laugh whenever it comes, and we hope if you need a bright spot in your day, you can find it here.

Listen here

Secondly...it's been an entire year since I was given the title Aunt Bekah the Great, and I have had not one, but two opportunities this year to see and hold that sweet baby girl. (If you're new here, they live far away. It's not like they heavily ration my meetings.) The second chance was such a surprise to me, and I soaked up every minutes! So HAPPY BIRTHDAY, CAROLINE!

And thirdly...we hit a milestone this past weekend! 75 months! :)

If you've heard the podcast, you've heard the we-can't-stop-giggling-at-ourselves version of our attempt to celebrate with dinner and grocery shopping, but here are some pictures to accompany the stories!

First, of course, the official monthiversary photo:

We went to dinner at Half Moon, which is a local restaurant with fantastic food. (Fun fact: Ryan's sister used to be a server there!)

We had a card for a free appetizer. We normally don't get appetizers because, well, calories AND frugalities, but this was a special occasion. So we went straight for probably the most carbish thing they had. FRIED MACARONI AND CHEESE BALLS. Oh my goodness. Stop it right now. They were so good. (A bit of a kick if you ever go there and try them...just warnin' ya. But SO good.)

I tried to go MUCH healthier for dinner. This is actually a HALF salad, if you can believe that. And I only ate about 1/3 of it. I was full of macaroni. But it served me well the next two meals!

Ryan kept on his carb kick with fried fish, and he proudly ate the whole thing.

Oh I guess he didn't eat the WHOLE thing. I ate the pickles. :)

We went grocery shopping after that, and this is the moment when I realized I won the "guess the weight of the zucchini x7" game.

So there you have it! Milestones all around. :) And we are grateful.

Deuce Came Back!

If you saw the Shuffle yesterday, you know that Mr. Deuce came back to live with us for another week, and we are sorely missing him now. I felt so bad for him, because he's a Ryan's boy through and through, and in a rare twist, Ryan was hardly home last week, so Deuce didn't get to see much of him. I tried to be a viable substitute, but he couldn't be fooled. (One night, I went into our bedroom to sit with him, because he was curled up on his little bed looking all forlorn, and he got up and LEFT THE ROOM!! Subtle, Deuce. Subtle.)

But even if it wasn't ideal for the poor boy, we hope he had a good week. I know I was sure grateful that it wasn't all Polar Vortexy. Made for much more pleasant walks!

He may be Ryan's boy, but he will take a neck scratch from a.n.y.o.n.e.

I had saved what was left of Moosey, which was the toy we gave him on his last visit. Moosey was pretty much down to just being a stuffed head with a very deflated body. I hoped it would comfort hi in Ryan's absence.

A rare moment of affection. :) In other news, Ryan changed the screen protector on my phone so my pictures are no longer gently frosted in white all around.

Thoughts on taxes, round one. Yeah, I'm with you there, Deuce.

By the second night of taxes, he was a little more demonstrative about his thoughts.

Family selfies with a dog are challenging.

I call this one "hope."

It was a no. Also, yes, we turn into the Barones when the dog is over.

I call this one "happiness."

I'm sure he's happy to be back at home where he can run and roll around in the yard at his own leisure, but we sure miss him.

The Shafferland Shuffle

One week. One week until the time change. Yeah, I still haven't adjusted to those. ;) But I still have a week left, so until then...here's what we've been up to!

* I felt pretty crummy last Sunday. Sometimes it's hard for us to tell (when we don't feel well) if we have actual germs or if we are just exhausted from our life. In case it was germs, we came home from church a little early. I stayed on the couch the rest of the day. That afternoon, Ryan's cousin dropped off Deuce so we could keep him for the week. Braeya froze up solid when she saw him, and she so cracked me up, holding that statue pose for the longest time.

* Deuce was so sad that Ryan had to go to work on Monday, so I pulled out the mostly mutilated Moosey (his toy from last time) for him to continue to dissect, and that seemed to cheer him up. I was so busy all day Monday, cooking and cleaning and doing all my post-speaking chores. Ryan went to his mom's house that night to take care of her, but I stayed home with Deuce. (Photo courtesy of the photos Ryan and I send to each other when we're apart so we don't feel so lonely. Yeah, we're one of those.)

* I spent most of the week in hard-core writing, and that started on Tuesday. I was so grateful for NO writer's block and much inspiration. Deuce was pretty bored by writing, but nowhere near as bored as he was about to be by a whole evening of tax preparation! (Did he pick a winner of a week to come here or what?) I think the best part of the day was when Ryan found out Winter Storm had actually begun. We did a whole photo shoot to commemorate!

* We didn't get the taxes done on Tuesday, so we extended the party to Wednesday, and this time we welcomed our nephew to be part of the fun! (He may never want to come back.) He's such a good baby. I hadn't seen him in over a month, so it was fun to hang out with him for an evening. Deuce LOVED him. Wanted to do nothing but kiss his face all over, so we had to rescue the poor baby!

* I was still writing on Thursday, and I lined up a whole collection of coffee mugs to be my inspiration while I worked on one of the sessions. (I sent the picture to Ryan, and he asked if I was having a heavy drinking problem. Uhhhh no.) I had a meeting at church that evening, and I got this great new binder! (I am so easily won over by pretty binders.) Ryan spent the evening taking care of his mom, and Deuce and I sure missed him! 

* Ryan and I were exhausted by Friday, so I asked him if we could just spend the whole night at home on Mo, watching TV and being bums. He didn't fight me too hard on that. (I did work out right before that, and it was one of the most painful hours of my life. Not like body-painful, but painful in that I couldn't get my head in the game!) We did take a break from our couch party to go visit Phoebe and let her out. I think she was happy to see me!

* Yesterday was our 75th monthiversary, and Ryan celebrated by working all day. :) We did have a special date last night, though. Dinner out and a little shopping after. Some funny stories await you from that adventure! When we got home, Deuce practically knocked Ryan over at the door, curled right up with him on the couch, and napped until his people came to get him later that night.

Our main goal for next week is to see one another more! (Surely it shouldn't be too hard, given the chaos of this week!)

The Saturday Six

One.

Last Saturday was a blessing-filled day, and one of the extra special moments for me was this very sweet post our friend Odie wrote! You may or may not remember that last August, Ryan and I drove over to Ohio to surprise her at her housewarming party. It was the first time we'd ever met her in real life after many years of blog friendship, and in the post, she tells the story from her perspective! Loved it! Thanks, Odie!

Two.

Does birth order fascinate you? It fascinates me! :) I found this article by longtime birth order expert Dr. Kevin Leman, and yep, there I am! (I'm actually a weirdo on this spectrum, because even though I'm the baby of the family, I have no baby child characteristics. I fall squarely into the only child description, because that's how my upbringing looked. My sisters had moved out pretty much by the time I have memories, so I was raised as an only child.) How about you? Did you find yourself on the list?

Three.

This is just cool. What a great principal!

Four.

You know the theme of being still is dear to my heart. Maybe today you're struggling to be still. Maybe these words are for you. (Beautifully written by Lysa TerKeurst.)

Five.

Lent begins soon, and whether or not you participate with a fast, I think you'll find this article by Barbara Rainey well worth the read. Much to think about! I know I'm convicted!

Six.

I love fiction, but I try to mix up the types of fiction I read so I don't get stuck in a rut. This week I read a new-to-me author and a different sort of fiction, and I had a great time with this story.

Grace Hitchcock is a new name for me, but I have to love the fact that she writes about crime and her last name is Hitchcock! :) This book is the first in a series called True Colors, and it's titled The White City. 

The book is set back in 1893 around the Chicago World's Fair. I've never read much about the World's Fair, so this was new and fascinating for me. After I read the whole book, I did a little research and learned that the majority of the framework of this story is quite factual. I recognized many of the names of the characters when reading about the real H. H. Holmes. (Yes, I know many of you history buffs are probably rolling your eyes, because you already know about him, but he was new to me!) Learning about history through fiction is one of my favorite things, so I particularly loved this!

Hitchcock's story introduces us to young Winnifred Wylde, the daughter of an Chicago police inspector. Winnifred's mother has died, and her aunt has appointed herself the task of finding Winnifred an acceptable suitor to marry her before she becomes an "old maid" - at twenty. But Winnifred would far prefer to bury her nose in any of Percival Valentine's romance novels, and in her reading breaks, she loves a good real-life mystery. Unfortunately, her father doesn't take her amateur sleuthing seriously and he absolutely forbids her to entertain any thought of courting a lawman.

While on an outing (a hideous one at that) at the World's Fair - orchestrated by her aunt - Winnifred witnesses a man kidnapping a young woman at gunpoint and rushes to tell her father. He insists her eyes surely deceived her, but with reports of mysterious disappearances taking place around the city, he assigns a new detective to follow her and keep her safe. Winnifred spots him immediately and asks him to help her investigate the kidnapping - without her father knowing.

The book is a beautiful blend of life in the late 1800s, the suspense of mystery, a little danger, and a little fun. (And after reading, I'm OH so glad I do not have to wear a corset!) It was fascinating to me to learn about the rules of high society, the setting of the World's Fair, and the methods of investigation back then, and I got completely caught up in the storyline.

I'm excited to have uncovered a new author, and I'm excited that the next book, The Gray Chamber, will release next January. I'll be sure to read it!

* I received a complimentary copy of this book from Barbour Publishing and was under no obligation to post a review. *

Fun for Friday

Hello, March! It is lovely to see you. I would like to say, if I could, that I've looked at the weather forecast for the next few days, and you seem to have forgotten to bring SPRING with you. Please remedy this. I am actually begging.

We've had quite the week here in Shafferland. I've barely seen Ryan, which is extremely unusual for the two of us. Of all the weeks for Deuce to be here! Ryan is his favorite, and he's not been here for Deuce to stalk. In addition to that, I've been in heavy writing mode for a retreat I'm speaking at in a few weeks, and while the writing has gone very well, it has left me completely exhausted. Hard core writing days are like labor and delivery. The end result is well-worth the time and effort, but it's exhausting in the process.

So I was really excited to see Natasha participate in the What's Up Wednesday blog prompt this week, and I'm showing up a fashionable two days late to turn the prompt into a Fun for Friday. :)

What we're eating this week: We've had some fun new foods this week! (Dashing Dish, of course.) Turkey Quinoa Soup, Low Carb Cheddar and Zucchini Herb Biscuits, Chicken in Lemon Cream Sauce, Roasted Parmesan Summer Squash Chips (that's a freebie recipe!) and Mini Cheddar BBQ Meat Loaves so far! All have been declared keepers!

What I'm reminiscing about: As I mentioned, I'm in writing mode, and if you've ever heard me speak, you know I pepper my talks with a healthy dose of illustrations from my life. So I've been looking back over all the years of my life that I can remember, pulling ideas to help demonstrate my points. And also...there's this gem from circa a long time ago:

What I'm loving: I have to also nod to writing here. I haven't had hard core writing days in a long, long time, because I haven't had time. This is feeding my soul so very much.

What we've been up to: Passing like ships in the night. Workouts, watching Deuce, watching Ryan's mom, meetings, weird work schedules, taxes, childcare...all the busyness and none of the together time. Next week is a new week, right?

What I'm dreading: I have a dentist appointment soon. Need I say more?

What I'm working on: Trying to have a really good attitude. I'll tell you what: when I do have hard core writing days for ministry work, Satan increases his jerkiness. I know this and expect it, but it's been a rough one. This week my heart hasn't particularly longed to share (Ryan, food, sleep, etc.), I don't love winter anymore, and it's been a grand exercise in showing Jesus' love when I'd rather be grumpy.

What I'm excited about: 75 months of marriage TOMORROW! I have tried to reserve Ryan for a couple of hours so we can celebrate what feels to me like a pretty stinkin' huge milestone. And also, with all the prep I've been doing for this upcoming retreat, I have to tell you I'm so excited for that, too. It's a group I spoke to last year, so I'm excited to see the ladies again. But the message God has given me feels powerful and sacred and encouraging. I can't wait to share it!

What I'm watching/reading: I'm reading The White City by Grace Hitchcock. (LOVING THAT.) I'm also still reading through the book of Matthew for my devotions (and Charles Spurgeon's commentary on Matthew as bonus material). I've watched a lot of HGTV and Family Feud in the background this week. I did sit to full-attention-watch Counting On, Bringing Up Bates, Manifest, and New Amsterdam.

What I'm listening to: I've been kind of obsessed with piano music lately, so I've pulled up a lot of it on YouTube while I get ready. Anthony Burger, Kim Collingsworth, Erin Paine...

What I'm wearing: Dog and cat hair, mostly. LOL!! Under that? Yoga pants and t-shirts. Tis the week of writing and working out. Yesterday I did put on a real t-shirt and jeans and makeup. It was kind of revolutionary.

What I'm doing this weekend: Celebrating 75 months of marriage, trying to see more of Ryan, watching Deuce, reading, and maybe, if I'm lucky, some scrapbooking! AND A NAP!!! Bring me a nap!!!

What I'm looking forward to next month: Spring. (PLEASE.) The women's retreat where I'll be speaking. Spring.

What else is new? Nothing. New would be fantastic!

Bonus question: What is your favorite board game to play with your kids? Well, I don't have kids, so that makes it tough. I'm also pretty terrible at games. I think the most recent one I played with kids who came to visit was Hi Ho Cherry-O. I lost. Yes. The preschool game. I lost that game TO a preschooler.