Living in the Swirl

We've heard the question often lately: how are you doing? It's usually followed by a pause and a no...really...how are you doing?

We really feel like we're doing pretty well, overall. We are grateful we had four months to prepare for a goodbye, and while that didn't make it an easy thing to do when the moment came, we feel our hearts were are prepped as possible. We are grieving, we are processing our thoughts, we are curious what the future will look like, but we are doing well. It's our first journey through this type of loss together, so we really had no idea how it would work, but so far, we're figuring it out day by day. We've learned to give each other space and grace - and yet hang on tightly and support one another. 

But we do feel like we're living in a bit of a swirl right now. 

I still have stacks all around the house. Stacks of Ryan's baby pictures we brought home from the cabin when we sorted through photos before the funeral. Stacks of cards we've received - and thank you so much for sending them! They have been a comfort to us as we read your words! Stacks of flowers and gifts that each hold a special place in our hearts, because they will always serve as a beautiful reminder of Ryan's mom's life and her relationship with us. 

We're trying to catch up with the life-stacks too. The stacks of work piling up in the office, books I'm now officially behind on reading, spring cleaning that needs done...just the normal everyday that hasn't been tended to in a while. And because we are creatures of routine, we know we will feel a bit more normal when we can tackle some of those tasks. 

We're attempting to settle back into our routines of a regular diet, working out, our cleaning schedule, and time spent together. 

And then there are the things that loom in the future. I have a handful of speaking engagements coming up that I am committed to give my full attention to, some summer plans that need solidified, and the never-ending dreaming and praying over our someday. We feel the weight of uncertainty over things ahead that we haven't had time to even consider until now, but now they're loud and demanding.

So for now, we're living in the swirl. We're back to lists and day planners, hoping they will help us manage the swirl rather than getting sucked into it.

One of you (THANK YOU!!) emailed me this week to warn me about grief-brain and how it can be a very real thing that causes you to stumble in functioning seamlessly for a while. Thank you for encouraging us to offer that grace to ourselves, because I'm sure there will be a few things that get lost in the swirl in the days to come.

But yes, overall, we are doing well. God gives just enough strength and grace for each day, and we know He won't stop!

The St. Patrick's Day Shafferland Shuffle

Morning! Wear your green today or exit your house at your own risk! I'm not responsible for pinches!

It's been a long, strange week around here, and some of my pictures appear to be extremely haphazard. I apologize.n

* Last Sunday was Ryan's mom's viewing, so we spent most of the day at her church, standing in line beside her casket to greet a long, patient line of friends and family. We arrived at the church around noon, the family viewing started at 1:00, others started arriving around 2:00 and I think we greeted the last folks around 8:00 p.m. We stayed for another hour to eat together and got home about 9:30 or 10:00. It was a beautiful day, though, filled with so many hugs and such compassion.

* Nita's funeral was on Monday, and I know I already told you about it, but it was a really beautiful and personal service. We've heard many kind comments about it. Ryan read her obituary and shared some thoughts (as did his siblings) and after the graveside service, we came back to the church to eat a delicious meal, and then we went home.

* Tuesday was Ryan's last day off work - and mine too, though I realize my work isn't the same as his. Since we really hadn't had an opportunity to grieve and process up to that point, and since we were returning to reality the next day, we used the day for both those things, and it was much-needed.

* Ryan went back to work on Wednesday, and he said all his patients were very kind and understanding about his week-long absence. I went for a walk that day and encountered this human-sized possum. Ummmmm aren't these supposed to be nocturnal creatures? I was creeped out. I won't lie. I hadn't worked out in a full week, and that definitely showed as huffed and puffed my way through a run! We also got this beautiful canvas gift from one of my friends. I loved it!

* Apparently spring definitely looms, because our weather radio went off for the first time in tornado season on Thursday! Sigh. Thursday, as you  might also remember, was Pi day (3.14) so we got a razzleberry pie and took it over to share with Ryan's aunt/uncle/grandpa. Before and after photos featured here!

* I have a big speaking event coming up soon, so I spent all of Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday working on my talks and power point slides, and I finally felt comfortable with it all on Friday! I suffered through another workout (seriously have to get my routine back!) and then Ryan and I went out for groceries and dinner that night. We had a gift card to Panera, and soup sounded SO good on a cold, yucky night, so that's what we had!

* Ryan worked yesterday, and I did a bunch of writing and chores at home. Ryan's boss brought us fajitas for lunch, so I didn't have to cook (again)! We went out to the cabin to have dinner with the family, and then when we came home, we practiced synchronizing one of my upcoming talks with the power point presentation. (Be jealous of all our fun!)

The Saturday Six

One.

Did you see this story about the dog that accidentally ran a half marathon? So adorable!

Two.

Ryan's mom wasn't a teen mom, but she was a young single mom of two for a while, and she and Ryan formed a special bond in those days. This post by Rhonda Stoppe showed up in my Twitter feed on Ryan's first day back to work after his bereavement leave, and it brought tears to my eyes. Sweet words of tribute.

Three.

If you haven't already seen it (and enjoy such things) there's another Christian Fiction Scavenger Hunt up and running until tomorrow night at midnight! This is the link to the first stop on the hunt!

Four.

I've never seen this written out exactly like this before, but I think it's pretty true! Takes a lot of pressure off of those practicing hospitality. Though no one really told me this before, I feel like this really is my approach to hospitality, and I no longer feel the pressure to have a spotless home before I welcome someone in the front door!

Five.

If you need to get started on spring cleaning, but you feel overwhelmed by all you need to do, here's a 31 day checklist. It might remind you of some things you'd forgotten, and hopefully the breakdown helps make it more manageable!

Six.

Not surprising to you, I'm sure, I didn't have time to read a book this week, but I do have one last little thought for you today. I gave Ryan a fondue pot for our anniversary and sadly we haven't had a chance to use it yet! Womp, womp. I have no idea if this cheese fondue recipe is any good, but I loved her ideas of what to dip in it! And now I want to have fondue night!

Social(ly Awkward) Bekah

Thanks, everyone, for your grace yesterday, and thank you Maria, for your question! Now I don't have to worry about today's post! (Because I'm not feeling profound yet. It'll show up eventually, I'm sure.)

For those of you who didn't see Maria's comment yesterday, she asked me how I blog. Like do I post in real time or schedule posts ahead or what? And what else do I do on social media?

Well let me start by saying I break all the rules of algorithms and everything else, and at times, even my own rules. :) Also, let me say that what I'm about to say are my thoughts on personal social media. It's a whole different ballgame when you have an online presence for a business. I think the rules matter much more in that realm. When I talk about my social media tactics, I'm just talking about my own personal habits. I'm just an ordinary person, not a business depending on followers.

Let's start with blogging, because it was my debut into the social media world. When I first entered the blogosphere back in 2006, I posted whenever I felt like it. No rhyme or reason. I might go a week between posts, and if I felt newsy, I might post eight times in one day.

In 2011, I decided to give some structure to the blog, so I made the choice to put up a new post every single day. And I have! Even though I am vehemently opposed to scheduled posts on all other forms of social media, I do schedule my blog posts, and I do it that way mostly so the early morning reading crowd can have it waiting for them, even if I'm not awake yet. I know some people really like to read blogs as part of their morning routine, so I want to be ready for them when they're ready to read.

Often, I write just a day ahead, so the news is fresh. Sometimes, if I have lots of ideas, I'll write a whole bunch of posts in one day and schedule them out for days to come. And I always have a half-dozen or so posts that I build on over time (like the Saturday Six or what I learn each month) so I start those and add to them until posting time.

I've also never really pigeonholed myself into a blogging niche. I started blogging when bloggers wrote for the sake of having online friends. Many bloggers I interacted with back in 2006 have either quit blogging or they've become topical blogs focused on paid partnerships, etc. That's never been my goal. If anything, it's my goal not to monetize the blog. I do book reviews and often get the books for free, but that's about as far as I go with that. I enjoy reading, and reviewing helps me support my habit, so it's a win-win. Beyond that, I have no desire to make a business out of this blog. I just want to write and hang out with all of you!

I pay absolutely no attention to all the formulas and algorithms bloggers tend to stress over. I don't care about SEO, I don't pay attention to word counts. I don't worry about having pinnable images. I just write and post for the pure pleasure of doing it and the opportunity to process my thoughts. The fact that you show up to read is a beautiful bonus.

As far as other social media platforms go, I am also on Twitter and I don't really like it. I've never liked Twitter all that much. I was held back by the character limits, and while I'm sure glad they've raised them, I still find them far too restricting for my liking. I do link to the blog and podcast on Twitter, and if I happen to catch a tweet that interests me, I may like or retweet it, but that's about the extent of my relationship with Twitter. I don't do hashtags, either, by the way, on any form of social media. (I do look on Twitter if I need a quick answer to something I think may be trending, but that's the only reason I purposefully seek it out.)

I LOVE Instagram. No surprise there, since I love pictures so much. I spend a lot of time reading through the captions and enjoying the pictures. Fun fact: I have never posted a story on Instagram. They frustrate me. I don't like it that they go away, and I am not always able to use volume when I'm scrolling, so I don't like all the things I can't hear. I just want to read it and move on. I normally post to Instagram about once a day and I do not cross-post to Facebook. I follow many of the same people on both and I don't like reading the same stuff twice, so I try not to make other people read my stuff twice.

To continue my rules rebellion, I don't pay a bit of attention to whatever it is you're supposed to know about "Instagram-worthy" photos. I've gathered there are certain rules you're supposed to follow when choosing your picture, but I just pick whatever I want to share.

The other day, I made an interesting (to me, anyway) observation on Instagram. I follow most of the Duggar and Bates girls, and I'd noticed that nearly all of them are becoming more and more involved with paid partnerships, so even their "family" posts are really ads in not-so-subtle disguise. I noticed on one post, almost every comment was about that. People were tired of the ads and wanted them to go back to posting about real life without ulterior motives. I won't unfollow people over that, but I do skip over the post when I realize it's just an ad. I want the real-life stuff.

And finally, Facebook. I love Facebook and try to keep it well-trained to show me cute stuff and not a bunch of things I don't want to read. I don't post on there as frequently as I used to, because I seem to post more often on Instagram. I love keeping up with people's lives on Facebook.

I had to learn a bunch of things about Facebook algorithms when I worked at the station, and there was a LOT to learn. On a personal level, I don't worry about any of it. I post when I have something to say and don't when I don't. I don't worry about the window of time or stress over how many people see it (or don't).

I think Instagram is the newest form of social media I use...no snapchat or any other such app for me.

Oh! I use Pinterest in place of Google, so I don't worry about who I'm following or who follows me. I just look up whatever I want to find. (And I often forget it's technically social media, so that's why I'm just now mentioning it!)

So that's my socially awkward life. How about you? Are you more rules-conscious than I am?

It Was Bound to Happen

I've blogged every single day since 2011, which I think is a fairly decent streak, don't you? And yes, there have been many days in there when I've sat staring at a blinking cursor, completely blank about what to write.

I actually had something written for today and then it somehow didn't seem to fit, so I put it aside for another day. And then I prayed about what I should write for today.

Still blank.

Still blank and officially into this day.

Ryan and I both reentered the work force yesterday, and we both had extremely productive days. His people were good and kind to him (not that we would have expected anything different) and he felt showered with much love.

My people (Braeya) slept on the back of the couch and left me alone so I could crank out a whole bunch of work. I have some speaking coming up and needed to resume activity on my preparation. I felt really good about everything I accomplished, though there is much more yet to be done.

So here we are, back to work, and yet this part of my work gives me a blank today. I guess one day out of nine years isn't too bad, is it?

(In all fairness, there may be more brain-blanks ahead, so if you have any prompts for me, send them my way! Meanwhile, I'll try to be profound tomorrow.)

Much love to all of you, and yes (Mom) I'm still here.

:)

Everyone Needs a Prayer Warrior

I do love people. I really do. To stand in line beside Ryan and receive hundreds of visitors at Nita's viewing was a boost for my heart. (His too, but I'll just speak for myself here.) I loved and appreciated all the hugs and stories and kind words, and when I stop to think about how long all those people waited just to do that for us...wow. An extra incredible blessing.

But as deeply as I love people and soak up my time with them, I also love being alone. I need to be alone. I need to recharge so I can give again. My processing and grieving must be done in solitude, not around others. 

It's been hard, in the precious few days of bereavement leave we've had, that we haven't been able to be home alone that much for resting and processing. We've given and given and given - and have been happy to do so - but this writer's heart needed a smidgen of solitude.

Yesterday was our first glimpse of that. It was our last day off, and we slept in, stayed on Mo ALL day, never got out of our jammies, and loved the chance to just be. We had no expectations of ourselves. We didn't cook or get in all our steps. We drank a lot of coffee and kept the TV on all day. It was glorious. We'll need more days like that, I know, but until we get them, I wanted to share this with you today.

Funerals are hard for me. I mean, of course they are! Aren't they hard for everyone? But they're not just hard because of the way they represent final goodbyes. They're hard because they make me incredibly anxious. I am not sure why. I can go to viewings all day long (and sometimes it feels like I do) and I'm fine...but something about the atmosphere of sitting in a funeral takes me so far past what I'm able to do in my own strength.

I was so nervous about Nita's funeral, because I desperately wanted to be present for Ryan and support him in all the ways he needed. And I wasn't sure I could do it.

Many prayed for me, and I knew they were doing it. All of those prayers mingled together and made it possible for me to get through. I don't discount any of them. If you were among those prayer warriors that day, I send my profound and profuse thanks, because God used you in a very real way.

But there was one in particular that I want to tell you about today. I won't use her name because I know she didn't do it to be recognized. But one of my friends drove a significant distance to sit in the back of the church and pray me through that funeral. She had already driven to the viewing the day before, sat for a couple of hours in line to hug me, and driven the long trek back home. I didn't expect her to return for the funeral. But as she hugged me in line at the viewing, she told me that even though I might not see her the next day, she would be there.

As she whispered in my ear, she reminded me of the Old Testament account when Moses stood on the hilltop with the staff of God in his hand. As long as his hands remained raised, the Israelites were winning the battle in the valley below. When he couldn't hold up his arms anymore, Aaron and Hur stood beside him and lifted him up.

She came to be my Aaron and Hur. She came to lift me up when I was unable to lift myself.

And she did. My heart didn't race out of control a single time during that funeral. And the couple of times I did feel spikes of anxiety, God reminded me she was praying in the back. 

Everyone needs a prayer warrior. People asked me over and over throughout this past week what they could do to help me. And so many did help in creative ways. We haven't cooked our own meals in a whole week. Someone brought me a Coke during the viewing when my blood sugar went wacky and I had too many hours ahead of me to feel weak. One of my friends served as our photographer during the viewing and again at the cemetery. And oh...all the prayers. So needed.

But everyone needs a specific prayer warrior in the back, lifting her up.

If you're looking for a job for someone who hurts in your life...I highly recommend being Aaron and Hur. I know I'm thankful for mine. 

Until Then, Nita

Nita loved to tell people about Spill the Beans, so we thought it only appropriate to dedicate this week's podcast to her. We're telling stories about our memories with her, and we'd love for you to listen!

Listen here

I am so tired. We are so tired. It's been a long week. Full of beauty in many ways, don't misunderstand. But full nonetheless. A week ago yesterday, we were at Ryan's mom's house for our final shift, staying late into the night. The next day, she was gone, and we've been going 100 miles an hour for the last week, trying to meet all the needs we could meet, help make decisions, and somewhere in the middle there, grieve a little bit. There just really hasn't been time for too much of that yet.

Yesterday was our final goodbye, and I believe Nita would have been pleased with the tributes offered at her funeral service.

Because I know she would have wanted the whole thing documented, I did take some pictures throughout the funeral. The service began with a presentation by the Nursing Honor Guard. I didn't realize they were going to present that little lamp to Allen, or I would have gotten a photo of that, too.

The minister at Nita's church did a fantastic job with the message at the funeral. Really personal and heartfelt.

My sweet Ryan read her obituary and shared a few stories. He did an amazing job. I couldn't have done it. (And yes, I do know speaking is my job.)

Nita's brother gave a eulogy, and he did a beautiful job with it, too.

Ryan's brother and sister also shared a few thoughts, and our sister-in-law read a poem for the grandkids. It was really sweet.

Ryan and his brother, the two sons-in-law, two brothers-in-law, Nita's other brother, and Allen were pallbearers, and all the grandsons were honorary pallbearers.

Ryan's two sisters, Allen, and Ryan and I rode in the family limo out to the cemetery:

Before we got to the cemetery, Allen asked if we could stop by the cabin so she could be there one last time. They were kind to let me get a picture. The hearse and limo went in the driveway, and the rest of the procession stayed on the road.

It was a beautiful, sunny day for a graveside service, but WHEW! Windy!! We were pretty chilly. Many thanks to my friend Amber for getting some photos for us at my request.

Nita's church made a WONDERFUL and delicious meal for everyone, and we enjoyed fellowship with our friends after the service was over.

And then we came home and took a long, long nap. We may be doing that again all day today.

Thank you all so much for allowing us to share this part of our lives with you. It has been so helpful for me to process this way. I am grateful for your kindness.

Full Souls

Bless all of you for sitting through some of these posts I write more for posterity than anything else. You're sweet friends.

Yesterday was Ryan's mom's viewing, and we've heard that somewhere in the neighborhood of 800 people came through the church to pay their respects. We know that most waited two or more hours to greet us, and that was a mind-blowing blessing. 

I wanted to be sure to get a picture of us at the viewing, and I feared we would forget if we didn't do it pretty much the moment we arrived, so one of the kids hanging out in the nursery took this for us:

Doesn't Ryan look handsome? She would have thought so, I know. My outfit was chosen for the following reasons: first and foremost, I knew I'd be so hot in that packed church with emotions packed on top of that, so I had to find something very cool. All day long people asked me if I was cold. No. Hot, actually, and sweaty and smelly. I thought this dress looked very much like something she would have loved, though. I wore the necklace she gave me for my birthday several years ago, and my shoes are 100% silver glitter. She loved bling, so it seemed a fitting tribute.

Ryan's sister and sister-in-law did a magnificent job of making a very Nita-esque display in the back of the church:

There were many beautiful flowers, which she absolutely would have loved. (And I love them too. Another thing she and I had in common!) 

The family received visitors for about six straight hours, and it was wonderful food for the soul to hear people's stories and memories.

None of them were more or less important than any others, but here are a few highlights that I thought were interesting.

* Nita's third grade teacher came! She had a photo of the class, too. (And a couple of Nita's classmates happened to end up in line with her, even though they hadn't coordinated their visit.)

* The doctor who delivered both Ryan and me came through the line. His wife was one of Nita's hospice nurses, but as soon as he told me his name, I said, "YOU DELIVERED ME!!!!" 

* Though I had never heard of such a thing until this week, there is a Nurse's Honor Guard, and they came to stand watch at the casket for the duration of the viewing. There were four of them, dressed all in white (with caps) and they rotated in and out for the entire time.

* Several came through line who said they had been her neighborhood friends back when she was a kid!

We were humbled by the number of friends who came and sat through the long wait just to give us a hug. Nita would have loved seeing that turnout. And so many commented that the size of the crowd was a tribute to the woman she was. 

We know that today will be a very hard day...saying the final goodbye. But our souls are full of the joy of yesterday. It was indeed a time of celebration for a life well lived.

The Shafferland Shuffle

I haven't known what day it is most days this week, so I hope I get this recap right. I guess none of you will know if I don't, will you? This is what I think we did this week.

* Last Sunday, Ryan and I helped serve communion at our church. We came home to a beautiful, blissful, lazy afternoon. I finished our anniversary scrapbook and Braeya cuddled up with Ryan. She was so excited that Deuce had gone home and she could have her favorite person back.

* I spent Monday cooking up a storm (three cheers for the blueberry muffins!) and doing chores around the house, and that night we went out to Ryan's mom's house for our normal shift with her. We did not know it would be our last one. Several family members came out during the early part of the evening, but when they went home, he had three hours alone with her, and he soaked up every minute. She knew us that night, looked us in the eye, called us by name, and told us she loved us.

* Tuesday was our little great-niece's first birthday, so at lunch, we wanted to record a birthday greeting for her. I accidentally forgot to switch the phone from camera to video, so I took the dorkiest picture of us, and then that made us laugh. I don't know why I like this picture so much, but I do! (We got this picture of the birthday girl on her big day, so I wanted to include it, since we didn't get to see her in person.) Ryan wanted to go back to his mom's that night, so we went out, saw this gorgeous sunset on the way, and less than an hour after we arrived at her home, she passed away, surrounded by many of her family members. We stayed until after midnight, saying final goodbyes and trying to wrap our minds around the fact that she was actually gone.

* Ryan didn't work the rest of the week, so Wednesday morning I wrote Nita's obituary and Ryan just tried to take stock of his feelings and all that was happening. We met his sister and brother (and their families) for lunch and then went to the funeral home to help set the arrangements. Ryan's niece was excited that I had my laptop with me, and she wanted to "write" something. She doesn't know how to type, but she cranked out a whole bunch of nothing! :) That night, we went back to the cabin to sort pictures, and it was actually a really fun night of reliving memories (for the family) and learning them (for me).

* We had a leisurely day at home on Thursday. Ryan's boss and his wife had a pizza delivered to our house for lunch, so that was fun! I tried to catch up on laundry and cleaning, and I looked through Ryan's baby book, which we brought home from the cabin the night before. So fun to see Nita pregnant with him! I'd never seen any of those pictures before! That night we went back out to the cabin to plan the service. Got that all taken care of!

* Since Ryan had Friday off, he thought that would be a good day for us to get our licenses renewed. It wasn't nearly as painful an experience as our faces say. It was just bright outside. LOL! We went shopping for new clothes for the viewing and funeral, and though this never happens to either of us - especially me - we had amazing luck and came home with several new things! It was back to the cabin that night, where we looked through more pictures and had another meal together as a family!

* Saturday morning, one of Ryan's co-workers brought over a homemade breakfast for us. DELICIOUS! Everyone processes grief differently, and Ryan and I both needed to process it by living some normal life yesterday. He shampooed all our carpets, and I did all the podcast work for next week. We've been so busy running, and I have been so focused on trying to be what everyone else needs, I'd not really had time to sit and process my own thoughts and cry. So I had a big old ugly meltdown in the afternoon. And then we picked ourselves up and went back out to the cabin to have dinner with Allen and help with some last minute things for the viewing and funeral. I took this picture of Nita's nursing photo/cap. She always has it on display.

The Saturday Six

One.

It pains me to say this, but tomorrow is time change day. I am already mourning my lost hour. (I feel like we are losing enough hours of sleep right now, so would it be okay if we just sat out this time change and caught it next year?) Nevertheless, I don't want you to miss church just because I didn't remind you of my least favorite day of the year. :) Duty done.

Two.

Back when Ryan's mom came home on hospice (early January), I wrote this article for Annesley. We believed we were in her final days at that time and had no idea we would have a few bonus weeks to say goodbye. The article went live just a few days before her death. I wanted to share it with you today!

Three.

As a person who always feels like she's a little too much for most people on the planet, I fully appreciated and understood EVERY WORD Kari Anne wrote. If you feel like you're a bit much, read this post. Turns out we're not the only ones! We're okay and special just the way we are!!!

Four.

Ryan and I love a good bargain (and found a few this week!) so I thought I'd share this post. I always find it interesting to see what things are on sale (and why) during different months of the year. So if you're considering some purchases, here's a list of things you may be able to find at a real bargain during March!

Five.

I love the idea of a napping room. A little nook to get away for a quick "happy nappy" as we call them here in Shafferland. (Totally stole that from some friends of ours who have kids and call it that.) Anyway. Doesn't this look like a grand happy nappy room? 

Six.

One last thing for today. Clearly I did not have time to read a book this week, but I did want to share Nita's obituary with you. I was given the privilege of writing it, and I wanted it to sound like her. I hope so very much that I achieved that. I've never written an obituary before and it is difficult to condense a full and passionate life into a few sentences, let me tell you!